Dear Paramount,
Stop airing the fucking Frank Skinner show. The man’s a fucking twat, and as a comedy channel, it would be more appropriate for you to show something funny. The Seinfeld reruns are good, and merit you a pat on the back.
Sci-Fi Channel: We subscribed to you back when you weren’t part of the package because you showed Dr. Who. Then you stopped. Then I discovered MST3K. Then you cancelled it. Please fall into a deep pit filled with rabid dachsunds.
The History Channel: Are you Hitler’s long-lost lovechild? Lay off the WW2 crap. While you’re at it, lay off the crappy “documentaries” a la that Nostradamus one with Orson Wells. Are you still showing “In Search Of”? Stop that too. Rerun the second “History of Britain” so I can fix my crappy taping of it and we’ll be good.
Comedy Central: You suck on general principles. I hope all that SNL gives you hives. It sure gives me hives.
A&E: You used to be good. Then you started showing mystery shows all day. How is this art? “Biography” used to be good. Then you started using it to kiss celebrity ass. Please stop. Now. Immediately. Without delay.
TLC: You suck.
TV Guide: Get rid of the hyper-pretty talking head from the top of the screen so I can actually see what’s going to be on.
Cartoon Network: You’re all right. Please add the following shows to your lineup: Freakazoid, Earthworm Jim, The Tick. Thank you.
And, even though it’s not a cable channel, to PBS: You stopped showing Dr. Who. You stopped showing Red Dwarf. You still show Lawrence Welk. Please to be falling into the same pit as the Sci-Fi Channel.
You obviously don’t subscribe to Playboy, then. If there’s one thing they consistantly fail to suck, it’s ballsack.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned Wisdom yet. With Michael Tucker narrating Chicken Poop for the Soul, it should be the All Glurge, the Puking Time network.
SciFi: You create one of the best SF television series in history, Farscape. It gets you great press; it gets you viewers. So you cancel it four-fifths of the way through its five-year story arc. Why? To be able to produce JOHN EDWARD and DREAM ANALYSIS SHOWS and SCARE-YOUR-FRIENDS-SHITLESS-ON-TELEVISION REALITY SHOWS WITH FUCKING 90210 BRENDA. Your programming is suddenly dedicated to “reality” crap and to bad slasher filmsneither of which fit your primary mandate, which is science fiction television!
Goatsnelchers!* RRrrrrrrrrrrrR!!
*snelch, v: sexual act not unlike felching, only using your nose instead of your mouth. You heard it here first.
Food Channel
You pushed two of the coolest (and highest rated) of your shows ever, Iron Chef and Naked Chef into the endless random-rescheduling-shifting-time-slot-roulette-wheel-of-doom while making it so the arteriosclerosis-inducing-migraine-aggravating Emeril gets slotted everywhere.
If I wanted to see a lazy-eyed-drooling schlub deep frying a rump roast as an example of interesting and innovating cooking, while an audience of pointy-spectacled flowered-mumu-clad grandmothers titter in astonishment, I’d go attend my family reunion.
Cartoon Network- When you play the classic Looney Tunes/Merry Melodies cartoons on Saturday mornings, don’t take up valuable time during this show to air music videos to promote your own shows (you do enough of this during the commercial breaks). I want to see Bugs, Daffy, Yosemite Sam and the rest of the LT/MM gang, dammit, not “Dexter’s Rap” or whatever the hell you call that lame shit that I have to (im)patiently sit through.
Game Show Network- Dump the Newlywed Game, and while you’re at it, get rid of “Love Connection”, which isn’t really what I would call a game show in the first place.
Psst, SpazCat - Freakazoid is on every weekday morning on CN. 
Fox News Channel - PAT SAJAK? How the hell is a fucking game-show host qualified to comment on current events? Oh wait, this is the “fair and balanced” news network, as long as the balance is between moderate Republican and hardcore right-wing nut. Tell Bill O’Reilly he can take that pompous, holier-than-thou attitude and shove it up his ass, if it will fit next to that stick that seems firmly lodged there.
Comedy Central - I watch you a lot. That said, who’s in charge of programming, the monkeys that run ABC these days? You have the rights to shows like Dilbert, Clerks, and about 6 or 7 other great shows, yet you air them in the middle of the night! Why not cut down on the SNL reruns (or at least show the good ones) and run the good shows, coupled with quality stand-up (the good Comedy Central Presents, Harland Williams-era Premium Blend, some hour-long specials) and funny movies (Office Space, UHF, etc.)
Cartoon Network - Thanks for expanding Adult Swim, but you can do more. First, quit using Scooby-Doo to fill 17 hours of the schedule. I think I’ve finally seen all of them now. Second, call Nickelodeon and buy Animaniacs and Tiny Toons back, and see if they’ll throw in Rocko’s Modern Life and Invader ZIM. Third, get Williams Street to get off their asses and give us some new Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast eps.
TBS, TNT - Quit buying the rights to movies that you have no intent of showing without severely damaging cuts. Examples include the first Austin Powers movie, Ghostbusters (apparently “It’s pissing me off!” is verboten at TBS) and The Blues Brothers.
ESPN - You I like. I keep.
A&E - I have serious issues with your little “network.” First, you sucker me into watching Magnum, P.I. by putting it after NewsRadio. Then you decide to cut both of them from the schedule, you suckers of Satan’s cock. I need my hour of NewsRadio back, you bastards! And throw Night Court back on, too. While you’re at it, do we really need 5 hours of Angela Lansbury every day?
Fox (yeah, Fox. It’s a cable station out on this side of the lake) You’ve got three shows, and they all suck. I turn to Fox at random times during the day, and I know that at least 50% of the time, The Practice will be on. 40% of the time will either be Boston Public or a repeat of the exact same set of clips/interviews about Boston Public. 8% will be Ed, the Bowling Lawyer, the 21st century’s answer to Small Wonder. Your tagline is “Only on Fox”. Is that supposed to mean you’ve set up some kind of quarrantine for crap?
Man, and to think Fox was one of the channels I was looking forward to getting. I think I watch a sum total of 5 minutes of it a week now.
Seriously, Fox News has Pat Sajak as a commentator? I shouldn’t be surprised. On 9/11/2001 I was glued to the set, flipping around looking for new information. I mostly watched CNN, but for the first time I looked at Fox News. CNN had been talking with retired generals and high-level diplomats; Fox News was giving us the insights of Oliver North and Jerry Falwell. Haven’t watched it since.
To the Owners of the Scifi Channel;
Please please please fire those Goat Felchers who currently run your network (into the ground) and hire people who actually know and love Sci-fi. Show the foresight and fortitude to back them down when they make tragic mistakes such as cancelling popular shows like Farscape.
Please Kill whatever brain damaged scumbag handles the programming Schedule. They obviously don’t know what the fuck they are doing. You cannot build and maintain viable shows when your audience has no fucking clue when they will be on, or when they take mysterious 6 month breaks between episodes while something else is scheduled in their time slot. A rabid, blind chimpanzee with raging hemeroids(sp?) and multiple forms of palsy could sit down and create a better and more consistent programming schedule than these fools.
You are my new personal hero. As soon as the newspaper puts the TV schedule back in the Sunday edition where it belongs, my VCR shall be programmed. 
Oooh, oooh, my turn!
Trio you ratbastard shitweasel LYING assholes! I hate you! Just to get it clear to your chancred “brain” matter, let me explain the meaning of “uncensored” to you. Uncensored means it HASN’T BEEN FUCKING CENSORED! This means if the show has pix of dix in it, you gotta show it or it’s CENSORED. If the show is all about men and their relationships with their respective penises, you cannot bleep out the word “dick,” because in addition to be totally lunatic, logicwise, this causes the program to be CENSORED. If there are naughty words in there, you have to keep them in and I want it known right from jump that I’m not even talking the effword here, I’m talking words like “asshole” and “dickhead” and such that can even be used in prime time on networks. If such words don’t appear when they’re supposed to, the program is CENSORED! All that being said, if I see one more luridly red & white advertisement featuring “David” with a figleaf trumpeting “Trio UNCENSORED,” I will probably come to all of your respective houses and beat you unmercifully with a huge dildo, although you probably won’t recognize the threat since dildoes on your UNCENSORED programs are pixilated so far it’s impossible to ascertain what they might once have been.
Oh, and finally, the temple carvings at Khajuraho are ART, you fucking shitsniffers, not pornography, so stop with the goddamned pixels already!
Whew, that feels gooooooooood!
Teletoon (the Canadian Crappy Cartoon Channel): Goddammit, Undergrads was cool, watching 13 episodes, we, the collective audience of 5 have never seen before. Then you stupid people decide to run those same 13 episodes everyday. Why would any rerun 13 episodes that haven’t been updated in 4 years!
TLC As someone earlier stated, it’s not learning anymore. I used to watch it for Beakman’s World and World, A history on Television (I don’t remember the title, but it talked about history from pre-homo sapiens up to the cold war in like 300 episodes or something). Now all you show is stupid boring Trading While You’re Out Crap-a-thons and British Cop Chases! Cripes
Game Show Network I hate Newlywed Game. Bring back Joker’s Wild, those questions were friggin’ hard and obscure yet informative. (Ok, I admit, I haven’t had GSN in 2 years so I don’t know if Joker’s Wild is back in the schedule rotation).
TBS Start playing other movies instead of Lethal Weapon (insert number, but it usually is the same one with the Chinese Triads), Patriot and other movies, which you guys always seem to play 500 times a week. Also, I like Ripley’s Believe It or Not, but fire that annoying blonde girl (yes, she’s great looking), she is so annoying and idiotic, it’s as if I am watching Kelly Ripa! (She does look like her too…)
Cartoon Network- Take out everything you air in the early mornings and replace with anime. No Hamsters, Uncensored full runs of Robotech, anything that I will actually watch.
KTTV Channel 5- For the love of god!!! Please!!! Bring back the hour of 3 STOOGES on Sunday Morning!!! I BEG YOU!!! It made my weekends and hangovers livable!
**BET–Black Exploitation Channel
MTV–Mindless TV
VH1–Video Hell #1
TNN–The National Wrestling, Star Trek and–What Else?? Network
MSG–Many Losers Sucking Garden Fans’ Money
YES–Home of the runner-ups
ESPN–Exploit Athletes? Yay! Sports Network
FOX–Fair and Unbalanced–yeah, like a seesaw with only me on it
CNN–Clueless News network
COM–Comedy? Ha!! With the scheduling yeah
TOON–The Tartakowsky, Anime, and Hanna Barbera network
NICK–The Spongebob Channel. Oh yeah and Clarissa.
WE–We Women are boring. Wanna watch?
TNT–dud since losing Nitro
TLC–The Listless Channel
Animal planet–Home of the most dangerous animal on the planet–Seve Irwin.
Sci-Fi–Please let this channel be fiction already!
TBS–What’s left of the AOL/TW merger in 2005.
MSNBC–we want viewers–please!!
CNBC–I have the Bloomberg channel. It is a friend of mine. CNBC, you are no Bloomberg Channel!
BCAT–come on, there has to be somebody in Brooklyn that can do a cable access women’s wrestling tape show. Come on!!
HBO–holy sh–! We produce better shows and movies than everybody else! To Hell with leasing movies.
STARZ–commercials in our movies? What you gonna do about that, punk!
American Movie Classics–Um, we ran out of classics.
Bravo–not brave to show schlock.
C-SPAN–the only show worth watching, only to play whack-a-politician with the British House of Commons on your TV. Exeter is standing! Whack 'im.
**.
To VH1 – I actually enjoy your documentaries and “Top 100” countdowns, and even the occasional off-topic movie as well, but would it KILL you to play a few Behind the Music episodes aside from Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Mary K. Blige and Ozzy Osbourne OVER and OVER and OVER again??? It wouldn’t be so bad except you keep scheduling obscure episodes like Judas Priest (which I’ve been needing to re-tape ever since copying over it by accident two years ago) and then REMOVING them from the schedule at the last minute!! WHY BOTHER PUBLISHING A FUCKING SCHEDULE IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA STICK TO IT??!?!??!?!???!?!
NICK- FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
First you take Ren and Stimpy off cause its ‘too crude.’ Then Rocko’s Modern Life, leaving you with two piece of shit shows. Then you buy the rights to the shows you just took off to prevent anyone else from showing them. Fucking. Then you pile up your schedule with crappy piece of shit shows like SpongeBob ShitPants and shit, making it utterly unviewable. WE NEED REN, STIMPY, AND ROCKO!
I see you come from a Law and Order family too. They pay more attention to that show than they do to me. Our family conversations have to wait until commerical breaks in between the endless marathons of the show at primetime. It’s killing me. I NEED ATTENTION. Sure, I don’t want to be disturbed or talked too while I watch the Simpsons or Seinfeld. BUT THAT’S A TOTAL OF 1 HR. A DAY. Law and Order takes up at the very least 3. TNT, get off the air, and take L&O with you. I need my parents back.
I see you come from a Law and Order family too. They pay more attention to that show than they do to me. Our family conversations have to wait until commerical breaks in between the endless marathons of the show at primetime. It’s killing me. I NEED ATTENTION. Sure, I don’t want to be disturbed or talked too while I watch the Simpsons or Seinfeld. BUT THAT’S A TOTAL OF 1 HR. A DAY. Law and Order takes up at the very least 3. TNT, get off the air, and take L&O with you. I need my parents back.