I can’t tell you why they’re doing it; I wish I could. It could be a fad thing, could be attention, or it could just be the best method of coping for them. For some people cutting works, and the drawbacks to it are more acceptable than other ways.
To them, it’s easy to do, easy to hide, and easy to explain away. It can become a habit, or automatic. They may not realize the seriousness of it…I can tell you when I was first told I was a self-mutilator, it shocked me. I just didn’t think that deeply into it and didn’t put what I was doing in those terms. Using a tool to cut into my body just didn’t seem all that crazy to me - I wasn’t looking at it through the eyes of other people.
As far as the prevalence of cutting is concerned, I think that it is impossible to tell how much is simply a result of increased awareness (was happening all along and is now just less of a secret) and how much the increased awareness itself may have raised the number of practitioners who might not otherwise have acted out in this particular form. The same is true of other maladaptive behaviors like anorexia – People were doing it on their own long before they knew there was a name for it, but now that the subject it is such common knowledge, I don’t see how one can deny that that very awareness does put the idea in the heads of some people who may have not gone in that direction on their own, and even make it seem more socially acceptable / trendy.
How “serious” it is and how much is just misdirected attention seeking might best be judged by the severity of the injuring (superficial or truly damaging?), the presence of a pattern (an occasional tantrum-like action, or the constant go-to coping mechanism?), the duration of the behavior (weeks, months, years?) and whether the behavior escalates over time. I started injuring myself as a very early teenager (over twenty years ago), and at that time it never occurred to me that anyone else might be doing the same thing. I didn’t learn it from a friend or get the idea from reading about it in a book; it was an entirely spontaneous and self-learned behavior. (And it wasn’t a bid for attention; I went to great lengths to keep it hidden.) In my case, it started off with simple cutting and evolved into deep carving, stabbing, burning, and otherwise assaulting myself (like pounding my head against a concrete floor). At no time was I psychotic (it was always a conscious decision and I knew exactly what I was doing), although I now know that that was when I first began living with active, chronic depression. Self-injury was a constant and ordinary part of my life for something like fifteen years. At some point it ceased to be my go-to behavior and I have been relatively uninjured for roughly the last ten years. There have been a few times during that period when I “relapsed” (sufficiently well-learned patterns are difficult to unlearn), but I no longer feel the tremendous compulsion toward the behavior that I once did, and frankly, it no longer brings me much comfort.
And at its best, that is exactly what it did for me. It quieted all the emotion and turmoil long enough for me to feel some sense of relief. At the time, I did not analyze it; I just did it and liked it. Having had some time to consider it, I believe that the reason my mind thought up such behavior and the reason it worked for me was that it gave physical manifestation to the unmanageable amount of internal, invisible pain. It didn’t hurt, it felt good, and watching blood pour down my arms or back would make me feel positively peaceful, however briefly. As to what a parent can do for someone, in my case the answer would have been nothing. Injuring myself was my only reliable coping mechanism and I did not want to be stopped or helped. The only thing that might have made a difference would have been treating my depression in some way that actually worked.
Could you be seeing just attention-seeking? Perhaps. But if the injuries are more than superficial and there is a pattern like I described above, then there are some more serious issues underneath. Self injury does run contrary to the obvious survival instinct in the most literal sense. Nothing to freak out about, but not to be dismissed lightly either.
Do any of you who’ve engaged in this behavior have any guess as to why there is suddenly so much turmoil and inner angst among young people? What exactly do you mean when you say there was “inner pain?” What do you think is the catalyst is?
Teenagers didn’t do this when I was in high school (early 70s). I’m sure people in my husband’s age group didn’t, either. What is it that makes self-mutilation suddenly “the” antidote to pain?
Just my personal experience, not making any judgments or putting forth any theories:
In the past year or so, I’ve scratched myself (within a couple month period) several times as hard as possible (not really cutting, I know, but frankly, if I had had immediate access to a knife/razor I’d have used that). I was so frustrated by relatively minor things that were my fault (accidental) that I became enraged and punished myself. It did get rid of the anger, and I did at the time feel generally disappointed in myself all the time. I’m also a perfectionist, previously high-achieving (previous to chronic illness), and still have very high expectations of myself. I also turn my emotions inward rather than outward.
The thing is, it also only happened when I was experiencing low blood sugar from mild to severe hunger (not diabetic, nor do I monitor my blood sugar, but I know the physical feelings when I’m very hungry) and once, clearly pre-menstrual.
I don’t know what that means for people other than myself, but if the effects of low blood sugar and hormones are similar in others, it might be a factor. Teenagers *are *known for being hormonal, after all.
In case you’re interested, I stopped because it scared me really badly how it immediately became easy and automatic for me, and for less intensive emotional triggers each time. Now I choose not to because I do not want to be dysfunctional and unhealthy. Maybe the fact that I can do that (choose not to) disqualifies me - I don’t know.
Hope there’s a bit of helpful information in all that.
Well, being angsty is cool these days. Was that true when you were in high school? We all indulge traits and behaviors that we consider favorable, and being interesting and cool in the eyes of peers is especially important to teenagers.
As someone who was in high school when this trend really seem to come into the big time (right after I graduated- the next year- the whole emo scene exploded) and as a high school teacher now, I can tell you that they can and do hide it if they want to.
I knew people who exclusively cut on the insides of their thighs (what the fuck? OW), bottoms of their feet (JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK), armpits (WHY, GOD, WHY?), etc. Those kids? You’ll never know about.
The ones who do it, take pictures, and post it on MySpace are the same ones who cut on their arms, wrists, etc.
No, I’ve thought about this, and I honestly don’t remember angst-as-cool. We listened to a lot of music, smoked pot, tripped, and were downright thrilled with our lives. Boyfriends would come and go, and sometimes break-ups would be tearful, but we wouldn’t flip out over it. We’d flunk tests sometimes, and I got kicked out of school a few times for smoking. We were concerned about the war, but I don’t recall anyone being incapacitated by sadness or anxiety. Quite the opposite, actually.
Anyone else from the early 70s experience the angst?
My own armchair diagnosis is that it’s a control thing. In the cases I’m directly familiar with, it seems like they’re not so much trying to get people to look at them. What they’re really doing is sort of holding their bodies hostage against a desire to be left alone and control their own lives. Parents can’t stand to see children hurt, so they back off whatever supposed dominating behavior is going on. The kids don’t enjoy the pain but the outcome is worth it. I have to think it’s about the outside perception because the self-abuse always leaves a mark and never causes permanent functional damage. They make the cuts in a location where they can control who sees it and when, but there is always something that can be shown when necessary.
I don’t know…
I know adults who self-harm as manipulation (do what I want or I’ll hurt myself…now, see what you made me do?)
or attention seeking (pity me, pay attention to me, give me love, feel sorry for poor little me, I’m so much more fucked up than you!)
or to gain control (they usually also have issues with abuse and/or eating disorders)
or to feel something (again, often issues with abuse)
or because they wanted to punish themselves (usually issues with abuse…again).
For people with personality disorders, who cut as attention seeking or manipulation, basically, you just ignore it.
For everyone else, you try and deal with the underlying stuff so that they have healthier coping mechanisms.
With the kids…unless they have depression, eating disorders or a history of abuse, I think you’re going to have to go down the route of treating it as a particularly poorly thought out coping strategy for teenage angst.
A strategy which has the added benefit of making everyone who cares about you suddenly bend over backwards trying to help you and be nice to you, without calling you out for your bad behaviour, and which makes your friends think you are cool and badass.
I think, in the case of emo teens, cutting is more about “acting out” than anything else (certainly it’s not often a sign of a true suicidal intent…although self-harmers are more likely to die by their own hand, often unintentionally- when they take things too far by accident).
But, you know, this is just my 2cents…
Is biting and scratching considered similar to cutting? Or are they entirely different?
I used to do this. I have no idea why. It seemed at the time (late 60s) to just be sort of something to do, no more significant than doodling with ink on a sheet of paper. But, obviously, it was more significant.
Or maybe not.
I have tried to figure out what was going through my head. But I was a teenager, so whatever was going through my head–if anything–is long gone.
Well, that was an enlightening conversation. I think.
I picked my son up from school, and took advantage of flooding in the area for us to take the long, long way home from school. As has always been the case for him, being in the car loosened his tongue.
He said two things that rather shocked me: first, cutting is just “something you do to release stuff”. When further questioned, he said, “I play shooters [first person shooter video games], Nate cuts.” I tried to narrow “stuff” down: stress? anger? what? and he couldn’t really be specific, just…stuff. “All the stuff that builds up and gets to you, I guess.”
He later said that cutting is part of “identification.” “Like you guys had…what was it called? Preppies? It’s what you do to identify with a certain group.”
He also said, of this particular friend, that he (the friend) generally feels like his very presence makes things worse. That if he’s around someone, they experience drama or trauma or bad things happen to them. My son wasn’t sure whether or not this was connected to the cutting or not.
He (my son) also said that he made his attitude about cutting clear to him when he found out his friend was cutting. When I asked him what his attitude was, he said, “It’s stupid…get over yourself and get over it!” We might have to have a refresher course on empathy…
*I rambled a bit more than I intended but here you go - my thoughts and opinions from my observation and personal experience… *
I moderated a self-injury recovery forum a few years ago. It really gave me a different perspective on other people. Everyone has something to battle, no matter how normal their lives seem. Some of the people fit the “cutter” stereotype - goths and emo teens who listen to depressing music, and talk about death. And then there were beautiful prissy gymnasts, car enthusiasts from wealthy families, attractive young football players, a firefighter and even one school teacher that I knew of.
Self injury doesn’t seem to fit in any specific group - rich, poor, young, old (as old as 30, 40, 50+), straight, gay… I do think that the older people hide it better. We have more to lose and fewer people to confide in. Self injury in high school is much more easily forgotten compared to self-injury as an adult.
I think it has become more main stream in the past few years. It’s more commonly seen on TV and in movies & music. If a kid has heard that people cut because it distracts them from overwhelming thoughts - it’s easy to get the idea in your head that it might work for you too.
How many stressed out adults have you heard sigh and say “Ugghh, I need a drink” or “I need a cigarette”. To me, those things are similar. Some people drink, smoke or do drugs to mask some other problem.
I’m 23 and have cut off and on since I was about 15. It’s been 2 years+ since the last time I cut myself but I feel like it’s still lingering. It can be an addiction. Sometimes I think all I need is “just one little cut and I’ll feel better.” because in the past it did make me feel better for a short time. It is an endorphin rush, a release, a distraction from problems, a way to cry when the tears wont come, and yes - for some people it’s a way to get attention or to shock others.
How to understand it? I don’t think you can fully understand unless you’ve been so desperate to feel something other than _____ , that you take a knife to your own skin.
**How to help? **The biggest thing is having a healthy positive outlet. Encouraging someone to write, read, draw, paint, play with the dog, work out… something other than sitting around focusing on their depression and anger - that helps. Therapy helps too - as long as you find a psychologist that doesn’t treat you like you’re an idiot, or think that you’re psychotic. Sometimes you go through a few before finding the right one.
Feeling loved helps… really!
I’ll have to take your word for this since I don’t know the people you’re talking about, but I tend to think this:
and I also think that abuse can sometimes not be too readily seen from the outside sometimes.
I’m a 1968 vintage. Cutting is something I’ve mostly heard about here, never encountered it for real. Other forms of self-harm, yes, but not cutting. Choosing that one over another seems to me to be sort of a fad, not in the sense of “the cool people do it, so I will” (although previous posters in this thread did it that way) but in the sense that when someone is looking for a way to self-harm, and there is a particular way that’s being talked about a lot, that’s the one they will choose. Also, IME the herd impulse is expressed a lot more strongly in American kids than in European ones; there are less herds available, so rather than choose one that you already fit into, there’s more of a need to pretzel up in order to fit into those available. If they perceive the herd to be cutting, they will cut; this is a dangerous spiral (and the reason I hate teen mags with “Spanish girls are doing it at 12!!!” on the cover… it makes it sound as if “every Spanish girl but you is doing it at 12, how can you be such a loser!”)
I had some classmates that I can picture cutting if it had been a thing that had been going on then, but it’s a very specific group. Some of my classmates came from a nun’s school where, for two years, the director and her clique had been a bunch that shouldn’t ever have been allowed close to teenagers. These girls’ self-esteem was completely dependant on having a boyfriend; they didn’t even care what the boyfriend was like so long as one existed. If the bf they happened to be with that week did drugs, they’d do drugs; if he didn’t, they didn’t. If one week they were bf-less, they angsted about it in a way that left the rest of us wondering what the heck was in their breakfast milk; they actually considered angst cool so long as it was over not having a bf. The rest of us were too busy studying, getting long-term g/bfs (as opposed to “some dude whose name she can barely remember”), getting into college, helping at home and listening to music our parents hated; we didn’t have time for angst and the closest we came to it was “oh shit, I think I flunked that one, oh shit shit shit!”
When SiL was doing her medical internship, one of the things she realized was that in general Latin American guys don’t hit their women: when they want to hit her, what the do is punch the wall instead. She saw a lot of broken hands that way. I think for those in whom it isn’t triggered by the herd, a lot of self-hurting is that kind of transference.
Two things:
-
There are some really fucked up homes out there that seem fine on the outside. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
-
We’re talking about children here. Maybe some of these worthless attention seekers would improve with positive attention, i.e. mentoring, someone older and wiser to talk to.
I’m not a parent but these things always bother me.
In this particular case, I do. Or at least, my son does, as he spends almost as much time there as here, often overnights, and generally unannounced. Has for 8 years now. We’re really almost co-parents of each others’ kids. If there was abuse going on, he’d know it. He agrees that the kid is “not so messed up as he’d like people to think,” and that there’s no abuse happening. Could he be lying? Maaaaybe…but my son’s a terrible liar. He’s great at just not telling me things, but when asked point blank, he can’t lie for shit.
My son did say that the boy in question is being “tormented” by one of the girls in the group. That is, he’s madly in love with her and she leads him on but then dates a string of useless boys who aren’t him - come on, we all know that story, right? (In fact, my son explained it this way: “It’s like Apollo and Starbuck, only Anders is 7 other guys and Apollo keeps trying to give Starbuck relationship advice while it’s tearing him up inside.” 
Who says television isn’t educational?)
But, in my mind, teen relationship angst isn’t on the level of abusive mothers or eating disorders in terms of stress that needs relief. I guess I just have to stop thinking about cutting as something that only very damaged people do. Mrs. Johnson’s drinking and smoking analogy was very good; if I was to describe alcohol and smoking and the dangers of alcohol and smoking to someone for whom it was foreign, it would be just as unbelievable as a common stress relief valve.
Absolutely. And I’m going to step up my relationship with the boy, talk to him and see if I can get some answers from him without freaking him out.
I cut myself as a teenager. My family is fairly conventional and apart from my cutting phase there weren’t any particular issues I had to deal with at the time. Then again, my family had just moved to Korea and I was being forced to attend a Korean school (as opposed to an international one) so having to deal with corporal punishment and militant school rules was certainly a trying experience.
For me it was kind of an experiment - I think I wondered if enduring physical pain would distract me from my other concerns at the time. There was a bit of an attention-seeking element to it as well - I wanted to tell my parents how much attending Korean school sucked, but I felt like that would make them express their disappointment in me, which was something I dreaded at that age. I also knew they would just tell me to suck it up, so I figured that something as extreme as cutting would maybe get them to take me more seriously. I never cut myself where they could easily see it, though - I thought that would be too obvious. In the end they never found out and I discovered that I could deal with life without needing physical pain as a distraction.
I think, also, that as a teenager you tend to lack a sense of perspective - everything you’re going through seems like a big fucking deal, so you feel like cutting yourself is kind of a matching gesture to the drama and angst you are going through. For me, once I realized that with most crappy things “this, too, shall pass”, cutting myself just ended up seeming silly and overblown.
This is a very informative thread. I really don’t want to diminish the pain that some kids are feeling, nor attraction of the temporary relief they get from cutting. But it would be more understandable that the kids were taking this (in my opinion, rather drastic) measure if their situations were proportionate to the act. I also remember the days when small issues seemed like gigantic, insurmountable ones when seen through a teenager’s eyes, but we didn’t see them as so big that we wanted to mutilate our bodies. I guess it’s the permanence of the cutting that seems so disproportionate.
Do schools provide information (flyers, etc.) and assistance when cutting becomes the remedy du jour for stressed out kids? I would hope that they address it with both the kids and the parents. I wonder if most parents even know that it’s becoming the response of choice among the kids.
Well, I found out about this because said kid’s mom had an appointment with the school psychologist because of the cutting and needed me to babysit the younger kid. I haven’t yet had a conversation with her about what transpired at that meeting.