I'm Dating a Cutter.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Subject line pretty much says it all. We’ve been dating for a few months, and I’d seen the scars, but I thought that they were old, that it was something that had happened and was now under control. I thought so until last night; I found fresh scars (weeks old at most; I didn’t see them sooner because she almost never uncovers her sleeves) from either cutting or burning. She said it was from an iron, I think, but I don’t know if I can believe her and I can’t tell by looking at them.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m worried that there’s likely nothing I can do to help, and, for me, that’s the hardest part about all of this.

2

I have a mark on my inner arm from an iron, and it does kinda look like I cut myself. However, unless one works with irons every single day, it’s not a mistake you make more than once.

I don’t really know what to tell you, Catalyst. Normally I’d say look for support sites on the internet, but I have a feeling that far too many websites on cutting support the activity rather than helping people find other outlets for their feelings.

Talk to her about it. Try no to be too upset, or accusatory, because she might get defensive and that would be counterproductive.

At the same time, realize that you’re not a professional counselor; maybe you can help her deal with whatever she’s going through, most likely you can’t. Whatever happens, don’t blame yourself.

3

I’ve heard of this - in fact we’ve had a few cutters on the board. But I don’t understand it at all.

Is it a self-esteem problem? Do these folks ever make life-threatening cuts (my impression is no)? How is this disorder normally characterized and treated?

Anyway, I ask those few basiic questions to perhaps help this thread become the educational link Catalyst can use right now.

4

Ringo cutting is a common symptom of Boarderline Personality Disorder, among other things.

For some people, anti-anxiety medication is helpful.

For some, the physical pain associated with cutting/burning your person is preferable to a constant feeling of numbness which can be associated with BPD, as well as some forms of depression, survivors of severe childhood sexual abuse, etc.

Many cutters will just “grow out of it” so to speak, but it can be very stressful for loved-ones to deal with.

5

So what is Borderline Personality Disorder?

6

Oldish thread, but here is a good discussion we’ve had on cutting.

Will your girlfriend talk to you about it? If she’s willing to do that, that’s a huge step in the right direction. Don’t force the issue- if she feels like you’re judging her she’ll find better ways to hide the cutting. In the end the only thing you can do is be supportive, not of the behavior but of the need behind it, and try to help her find better outlets for that need.

If you have any specific questions, I’d be happy to answer them here or on email.

Alice, I have to slightly disagree with you here… people with BPD have completely different motivations for cutting than the “typical” cutter- they do it for the attention and because they’re too afraid to make overt suicidal gestures. They won’t grow out of it, because while you can treat some of the symptoms of BPD, they really don’t recover until well into middle age.

Ringo… it’s not necessarily a self-esteem issue- there’s a lot of other things tied into it- but s-e does play a significant part. As far as catagorizing and treating- there are always underlying issues and often comorbidity with other disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, depression, anxiety, etc, and treatment of those issues will help in overcoming the need for cutting. The important thing is finding out what the motivation is for the cutting, and teaching the individual new, effective coping skills. Drug therapy will help, but not nearly as much as drug therapy combined with talk therapy. Usually what I call the dedicated cutter gets really good at knowing just how deep and where to cut so it’s not life-threatening, but mistakes can always be (and certainly have been) made. If you ever saw me in my heavy cutting phase you’d think I’d been juggling cats (though I was always careful to cover up the worst of the cuts). The problem comes when you start needing deeper cuts to get the same amount of relief.

Hope this all made sense. It’s getting awfully late. :slight_smile:

7

Here and here.

Think Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction.

8

I would caution anyone who is trying to understand cutting against making any sort of generalization at all beyond “they cut”. In my admittedly not-vast experience (but at the same time not confined to few people) with this, the one thing I have learned above anything else is that the reasons and practices behind cutting are as varied as (shocker here:)) the people.

Catalyst gain her trust … that’s, I think, the best advice I can give you. Pushing the issue may make her want to take to you about it–does she have a lot of people she can confide in? Does she know she can confide in you? Things to consider. However, it may also push her away from you because she may have had people try to intervene in the past. Back when I was engaging in similar practices (that never drew blood, but would have been seen by most as similar enough to warrant, to them, large amounts of attention and possible intervention), I didn’t want anyone’s help with it because I felt it was under control. Whether or not it was is another deal altogether (as well as why I no longer do it), but the people who found out about it were the people I could trust and who I knew wouldn’t push the issue if I told them not to because they knew how to help me.

It may well be that she was clumsy with an iron, in which case all this (for this particular instance) is needless. But if she is cutting, try to give her a sense that she can be safe and relax with you. More than anything else, I think, that’ll help her to deal with whatever issues she’s facing in other areas of her life.

Just for the sake of some level of education, here are a few reasons I’ve heard about why individuals cut:

They want to know if, at that particular time, they’re blocking (a practice in which you basically feel no emotion whatsoever). This is one big reason for what I was doing.

They feel the need to punish themselves.

They feel a deeper connection to … their inner self? when they cut.

What bobkitty said about trying to draw attention to themselves. I would probably have been cutting in HS but the support network I’d have needed for it to be “successful” wasn’t there at all. Dunno if that’s a good thing or not.

To cover up some other pain (mostly emotional/psychological).

9

IANAD, but, as a sufferer of BPD, I am very glad not to suffer this trait, though I have tried a few times. Cutting is a big symptom, but really any form of minor self harm (and even major): head banging, scratching, etc. Also “splitting”, where a person is ALL good or ALL bad. Some varying levels of anxiety, a good majority have sexual abuse history, and there are way more females with BPD than males. Another big one is threatening to kill yourself. You get a fix off the attention. It’s a lifelong problem, as it never goes away, though I heard from a friend that it decreases some after menopause, but I have no evidence for that. Medication does wonders, however.

Cutting by itself isn’t any better, because it masks problems of low self-esteem. And you get infections. And you’re constantly in fear that someone will notice, and you have to be ready for an excuse at any moment for why you have this or that scar. And they don’t last forever. Generally, it is looked at by the cutters themselves as a way to make the problem/feelings they are experiencing physical, so they can get a stable hold on how to deal with the problem.

Sites for more accurate info on BPD:
www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/
www.bpdcentral.com/
http://www.suicide-parasuicide.rumos.com/en/resources/dsmIV/prsnd/bpd.htm
(above link for the criteria of those who might have BPD, though only a doctor can diagnose you officially)

For cutting:
http://secretpain.netfirms.com/Links.html
1-800-DONT-CUT
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html
For a wide variety of options, go to www.google.com and type in self-injury

I hope this gives better info than I could give.

/Shadez

10

I should have mentioned, you can call 1-800-DONT-CUT for more info, even if you don’t cut yourself. They’re at least trained and educated in an official manner.

11

[minor hijack]

All the research I’ve seen does show that BPD decreases in both men and women during middle age; the best excuse for this I’ve seen basically boils down to the individual suddenly realizing that this behavior just isn’t working for them at all, and they become extremely amenable to treatment. There is some ongoing research into whether hormones play a role, but the jury’s still out. Of course personality disorders as a rule are difficult to overcome… for some reason BPD is the trickiest one.

[/minor hijack]

12

The DSM now indicates that BPD may clear; it did not in the past.

Cutting also releases endorphins. For some people it functions like a drug would.

13

I don’t know that there is a good answer or a good way to handle it.

For me it’s been something I’ve lived with for over 20 years in one form or another. It’s been a lot better since I got on medication. Short of that there really never was anything anyone could do. No real “correct” way they could respond.

Not a very useful answer, I know… but unfortunately I don’t think there really are any answers. When she is not in that sort of mode, you may want to bring up the idea of medication. Don’t do it when she’s actively upset though, as it will be taken as an attack.

14

While cutting IS a symptom of BPD, not all cutters have BPD. It can also be found in people who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression, Dysthymia, and probably a few other diagnoses.

Having read the other thread that bobkitty cited (which was painful to read in parts), I would say that she is a great source of info. I would also be happy to be a resource, having cut a lot in HS and early 20’s, and being “recovered” now.

Hard as it is to swallow, I think the reality is that you CAN’T help, in the sense of solving this/curing her. You CAN help in the sense of supporting her getting some professional help and sticking by her. Whether she is a relatively new cutter or an experienced one, the issues which lead her to cut have likely been around for a long time and won’t go away quickly.

But, as others have said, cutting does end. I haven’t cut in almost 10 years. I have tons of scars which I now regret (although people telling me at the time “You’re going to regret that someday” didn’t do shit to deter me), but I am glad to say that that chapter of my life is closed.

15

My boyfriend’s little sister (who just turned 18) was hospitalized for about four months last year for an unspecified personality disorder, where the most obvious symptom was cutting. She’s a great kid: straight A’s, devoted to her religion, a full ride to a private university, etc. Her explanation for cutting: “If I 'm not perfect, it’s not ok. But if I cut myself and then I’m not perfect, it’s ok.” She was hedging her bets, I guess. She had to have over 100 stitches for the incident that hospitalized her last year, but she’s steadily recovering. However, I don’t think she would have recovered without such intervention.

(To be fair, her situation probably isn’t quite the same as a lot of cutters; her father and eldest brother died within four years of each other, and the family was struck with several other tragedies, minor and major, in the years around that time)

I don’t understand it either, but I wish you luck.

16

<— bipolar

17

Some people turn to cutting to relieve anxiety and stress after “recovering” from an eating disorder.

It’s extremely efficient, although not very constructive. Try biting your lip when you really want to cry, and the sadness and hurt will subside as you focus on the pain in your lip. Problem is, with cutting, you generate more stress and anxiety. It’s efficient, but extremely shortsighted, just like binging or throwing up.

18

My ex-girlfriend had this problem. I had a very hard time dealing with it. I tried everything, but nothing I did seemed to make her happy enough to stop. She had the problem for years before I met her, so I never expected to change her, but it was disheartening, to say the least. I loved her so much, and I still do to certain extent, but our relationship ended rather harshly, so I doubt it’s mutual.

Anyway, just try your best to not think about it, and keep her mind off of it. Feel free to contact me, if you want. If I can help at all, I would be happy to, but it’s making me upset right now so I’m going to end the post.

19

To clarify some things:

The new cuts/burns weren’t an accident; when I saw them and asked what happened, she said “don’t be naive.” I’m just not sure she’s giving me a straight story on when or how she did it.

I don’t think it’s for attention. She’s attempted suicide in the past; she wasn’t even allowed on campus without seeing a psychiatrist every week because she was considered such a suicide risk.

I know she takes medication for other problems, such as insomnia, but I don’t know if she’s taking anything to treat the real problems, like the severe anxiety/panic attacks she has (she’s 19 and didn’t start driving until a few weeks ago for just this reason). She also doesn’t seem to get much from the sessions with her psychiatrist. She’ll talk with me about it, but only to a limited extent. She’ll openly admit to me that she worries about what people will think when they see the scars, etc., and that she does it because it gives her something else to focus on, but she won’t really get into the underlying issues. And there are underlying issues. The most immediate one right now is her parents’ impending divorce.

I’ll reply to more of the posts after I’ve done some more thinking.

20

I’ve cut myself on purpose twice that needed stitches. No real reason why. I am, in fact, nervous to have sharp knives in my house because they are somehow tempting to me.

I don’t want to die, I’m relatively happy, but for some reason it has called out to me twice. Very strange. Also, I’ve never told the truth about it to anyone, ever, so now you know.