By “self-injured”, I mean things like intentionally cutting yourself with a razor blade, burning yourself, things like that.
As for myself, I voted “I used to” where I would cut my arms with a pair of sharp scissors. I think I was 14 or so then. Not a fun time in my life.
Yup. Started in my teens and stopped ~8-10 years ago. Always cutting, with a knife, not razor blades.
For me, being in physical pain took my mind off how much emotional pain I was in. Now Dr. Albracht keeps me on these little white pills, and I don’t have the desire to cut any more. Thankfully. 
Never did it, both of my daughters have, one found herself in the loony bin for a week (last month, in fact) because she got a little too deep. Despite really having an open mind about it and trying to understand it, I simply fail to see how it can work as a coping mechanism. I have to rely on what I’m told without fully ‘getting’ it. Sort of like explaining “blue” to a blind person.
If any of you cutting-types can delve a bit into just what’s going on in your head I’d really appreciate it.
I used to, when I was a teenager. I think it was half attention seeking (even though I never showed my cuts to anyone) and half distraction from my inner angst. I was extremely angsty as a teenager (most of it was resentment at having to live in Korea) and cutting provided an odd kind of relief.
The best way I can explain it is that physical pain is easier to bear than emotional pain (to a degree; let’s not get ridiculous about it), but also more immediate. So if you’re in emotional pain, inflict some physical pain upon yourself. The immediacy of the physical pain pushes the emotional pain out, at least for a while.
I agree, Homie. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and still gravitate towards people who are hurtful towards me. I scratch my skin…the motion comforts me, and knowing that I am just hurting myself instead of lashing out at other people…
yeah, i did it a few times as a teenager. all very shallow cuts, always looked worse than they actually were. i think it was mostly attention seeking behavior on my part. i stopped after high school, did it once in my early 20’s after a very messy, very painful breakup. never felt the desire to do so since.
Probably needs another option. I can’t say “I used to”, but I have done it and have a scar on my leg where I cut it with a broken bottle.
At no time was this routine, which is why I can’t answer “I used to”, and I certainly don’t now. But on perhaps three occasions in the past, I have. As to why, I don’t really know. The first time, I was at a party and I found the sensory overload a bit distressing, so I grabbed a broken glass and hacked up a bit of my hand. I have poor hearing, and often hate these situations. But back then I was 19 and drunk.
Otherwise, not sure I could explain why it helped. I couldn’t even assert, confidently, that it did help.
I bruised myself with a pipe. Sometimes for attention, other times to punish myself for screwing up. Sometimes I’d bang it on my arms but if I was feeling especially sorry for myself and wanted sympathy I’d hit my cheek and brow repeatedly until I had swollen bruises then I’d make up elaborate stories about getting beat up or mugged. I know it’s ridiculous. I was around 12 or 13 at the time though, and I don’t know why but I was just so damned desperate and sad.
Nahhhhhhh, I love my skin too much. I used to think about it when I was younger though.
Did a bit of it in my late teens/early 20’s. I kept x-acto knives around, and would flick the blade back and forth against my hip and outer thigh, leaving about 20 scratches and cuts of various depth. Best I can describe it, sometimes I would get wound up, like, really emotionally and physically hyperactive, but in a completely directionless manner. Not like where you get a burst of energy and clean the whole house, or go for a run, but like…I called it “buzzing” because my thoughts were too fast and nonsensical and it felt like a tight buzzing noise in my head. So I’d cut my leg and it would bring me into focus. The intensity of the pain drowned out the buzz for a moment, and I was able to slow myself down and figure out what I needed to do to calm down.
I quit the self harm thing when I discovered drinking. That went spectacularly badly. Now I’m two months sober for the first time in five years. I’m a little curious as to what’s going to happen now.
Even wild animals do this when stressed. It’s common in zoos or wherever animals are caged. I worked at a rehab place that rescued injured and orphaned seals and sea lions. We had a near-adult male California sea lion who could never be released because he was epileptic. He lived in a small outdoor cage with a little above-ground pool, and we took him out for a little walk from time to time. He got in the habit of chewing on his flippers, to the point where he had major gashes with bloody chewed-up red meat exposed.
Yes. Several times over the past decade I have tried cutting myself with scissors or an x-acto knife. The last time was about 4 years ago. I was in my mid 40’s at the time.
It is like pinching yourself to see if you are really awake, except in a bad way.
I did it as a 13 year old. I have since learned about perspective, self respect, and over all better coping skills. It must have been a hormone bomb of some kind messing with me. I can’t explain why life seemed so surreal and awful.
Teen-aged. X-acto knife. Deep secrecy.
I still have no idea why I did it. I mean, sure, the red line with little drops of blood popping up on my skin, but why did I do it the first time? I’d never heard of anyone doing that, at the time.
There are many reasons that people do. If it’s on a visible area, it’s often a cry for help. If it’s hidden, it’s more complex than that. Personally, it was a control device for me. There were too many things in my life that I couldn’t control, and I could control the pain. I’ve heard that people can become mildly addicted to the rush of neurotransmitters that pain releases. I didn’t cut, for what it’s worth; rather, I’d manipulate the joints in my hands to cause pain. I’ve never heard of anyone else doing that, though.
I had bouts of it as a teenager, and somewhat recently, it started up again during periods of intense emotional pain. Pretty superficial cutting, enough to cause burning/blood/pain. Some weirdness in my head thinks I “deserve” this pain, deserve to be abused. It’s convinced I’m simply not worth the air on this planet. That sounds pathetic, but nobody ever said this was logical. It’s overwhelming, the feeling to hurt yourself. Mine stems from a deep sense of self-loathing and feeling like a caged animal trapped inside my own head.
For me, it was a choice between THIS MUCH emotional pain, or this much physical pain. Given a choice between an evening of misery and self-loathing or a self-inflicted paper cut, the paper cut was an easy choice.
The reasons that physical pain can substitute for emotional pain get complicated, and I can only speak to my own experience here, but I’ll take a shot at it.
All pain triggers the body to release endorphins, but damage to the top layer of the skin releases endorphins like crazy. This is why many people who harm themselves stick to shallow scratches, it’s got a better chemical payoff than other forms. If the endorphins put an end to the current spiral of mental suffering, mission accomplished. It’s a bit like going for a run when you’re upset, but faster acting and way less healthy. It takes more every time, though, and for many people it becomes an addiction and takes on a life of its own. YMMV, but that’s usually how people end up cutting so deep they end up in the hospital - they didn’t get there overnight, they’ve been working up to it for a long time. They really didn’t intend to damage themselves so badly, they were just trying to get their fix and it got away from them.
When my therapist pointed out that self harm was an addiction it took all the fun right out of it for me. She was right, I was doing more damage every time to get the same results, and I was starting to cut for the sake of cutting rather than to deal with an immediate emotional crisis. Addictions run in my family and I’ve seen what they can do, so I immediately cut back (no pun intended) on how much I was doing. I stopped for good six months later. I was lucky - I was a very mild case, and I got help early. I was actively cutting for maybe a year. I still thought about wanting to cut every day for five years after I stopped.
The endorphin rush is one of the payoffs of self harm, but there are others. It can also be a form of self-expression. One therapist told me that it’s common in young women (and presumably young men) who have been objectified: “Look, I’m real. I can bleed. I’m not a doll or automaton.” It was also a way of proving my own toughness in a twisted sort of sense: “You all think I’m weak and worthless, but look at this. I can handle more suffering than you know exists, and I can heal it. I am strong.” (Watching cuts heal was the best part of the whole thing for me.)
As others have mentioned, it can also be a form of self-punishment. My first foray into self harm was after having non-arguments with my dad as a preteen. He was extremely self-centered and controlling, we were not allowed to be mad at him. If we felt hurt or upset about what he did then that was our own fault. I had a weird sense of the world being out of balance - something was very wrong here. Of course it was my dad’s behavior that was wrong, but I wasn’t allowed to express that. Somehow punishing myself (by beating on my legs with my fists) balanced the scales again and my world was no longer in danger of exploding.
So for a bunch of reasons, self-harm can be incredibly cathartic. It’s a way of self-medicating emotional problems, but it can become a problem in its own right and (IMHO) needs some specific attention for recovery. Recovery is possible, though. There’s a better way to live. Really. I had no idea that life could be good until I took the plunge to try and heal. I’ve been basically happy for the last few years, and it still astonishes me.
My apologies for the novel, I hope it’s of some use to those who are reading it. Inigo, the best thing you can do for your daughters is just to be a loving parent. It’s okay that you don’t entirely get it, my Mom never did either. It was actually a good reminder to me that healthy people don’t think this way. Best wishes to you and yours. Self harm is a real bugger, but it can be treated.
I had something similar to that (along with depression and other issues). I call it ‘cycling’, I’d get stuck on the same thought, over and over and over like a car spinning its wheels in the mud. It could spiral up into something like an anxiety attack, or stay at a lower level and use up half my CPU cycles and utterly drain my day as I tried to get other things done. Self harm was the best way I knew of to stop it. Fortunately I’m now on SSRIs that keep it from even getting started, which is far preferable. I suspect it’s a physical thing that will stick with me for life, although I hope not. I thank God every day that I’m living in a time and place where SSRIs are available!
Hang in there. 
I promise there’s an end to the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet. It’s gorgeous out here.
I used to scrape a certain area of one wrist with a pin, but I didn’t do it to try to relieve any emotional pain. I wanted a tattoo, and I figured that if I scraped this area often enough, I’d get a scar eventually. So yes, in one sense I deliberately injured myself, but I was doing it for bodily modification, I was trying to get a patterned scar. Oh, and my mother was horrified at this.