Cycle of Abuse- How does it stop?

My head is spinning. I just finished reading that kind thread by Jeremy’s Evil Twin ( ), yet I had nothing new or intelligent to add to it.

I had a number of other inspirations (I’m not sure if it’s the right word). I’m readnig Valis now, by Philip K. Dick, which isn’t a good idea if you’re in a fragile state of mind.

Nor is it a good idea to be reading the Maxx comics, but maybe I’m trying to find something.

In the Maxx comics, you get to see what happened to Mr. Gone, why he ended up hurting all those women, and it’s very sad. Makes you feel bad for him. Doesn’t excuse him, but somehow- you understand.

My question, which I think might end up being other people’s opinions is this:

I fear over people who have been abused. They often have no place to put that shame and anger and hate. They end up becoming abusers themselves. What if you don’t want this to happen, and yet you find yourself behaving in ways that you swore you would never…
Other than therapy, are there other ways to make it stop? Is there some kind of guarantee that you will not become an abuser yourself? Or a self-abuser?

I’m sure that not EVERYONE ends up hurting others because they have been hurt. How do they channel all the hate then?


Ummm, why

Is there something you don’t like about therapy?

That being said, sure. All therapy does is lead us to growth & healing that we’re entirely capable of doing ourselves if we can just allow it. That’s one reason that self-help books are so popular.

The main thing that’s required to stop the cycle is for the person involved to know there is such a thing, and for them not to cop out with “this is the way I am, I cannot help myself from doing this”.

Is there ever a guarantee? Nope. There’s no way I know to guarantee a human will behave in a particular manner in a particular situation, that’s part of what makes us human. All we can do is be self-aware human beings and do whatever we can to behave in a manner we consider being appropriate, and even laudable.


Here’s some information that may be useful:

  1. The current research says that violent behavior seems to stem from the COMBINATION of an abusive childhood and a mental illness. Just one of these factors is not enough, both are present.

  2. In cases of school shootings, it does seem to be the case that these were kids who didn’t fit in and were teased and bullied (hence the abuse). Schools are finally beginning to take a hard look at bullying and realize it’s not just a phase we have to endure.

  3. This change in policy is not just good for the victim but for the bully as well. Bullies often grow up being much less successful in life.

  4. An integrated approach is probably what will ultimately be needed to reduce violence. Parents need more awareness of child development and appropriate discipline as well as an awareness of what their own substance abuse can be doing to their children (if it is present). Schools need to maintain peace so that bullying and teasing are not allowed. They should promote an air of acceptance. Doctors can become aware of potential mental issues and make referrals early on, especially with new parents.

anyway, just my two cents.

You break the cycle by learning to love yourself. You have to care about yourself enough to take responsibility for your own happiness. You don’t have to forgive anyone but yourself for being a victim.

It is usually never easy and frequently tortuous but always worth it. The path towards peace of mind and a peaceful life is one of true joy.

My father was abused, quite badly, as a kid. so were all his siblings. But he never abused me or my sister or my Mom. He’s a wonderful man. In fact, so far as I am aware, he’s never even gotten into a scuffle.

Why? I dunno. He never got any therapy. He states that he made a conscious decision early on that he wanted HIS family to be entirely unlike what his was like when he grew up, but how he did that when others do not I don’t know.

One possibility is that he has never had any substance abuse problems, which may have something to do with it; many abusers are junkies or gin monkeys. Some of his brothers and sisters did inherit the alcoholism and all have been far less successful in life than he, though to be fair I’m unaware of any of them being abusive to their kids.

I have the answer.

You decide to step up and break the cycle.
It’s as simple as that. It’s not a simple task to perform but it starts with a decision that you (the abused) is as far as it goes period.

Dealing with your problems becomes your personal problem and will require a lot of work. Whatever works for you, just keep an oath to yourself that your poison will not seep into your kids.

I come from a line of abusive alcoholics. You grow up feeling like crap and wanting to hurt the whole world. You don’t like yourself or anyone else.

I never had children for the fear I would abuse them. I think I would have killed myself first.

I have horrible problems trusting people. It’s ghastly to lose your trust in the world as a child. You can’t get it back.

I have made a conscious decision to be nicer to people. I do have a horrible temper, and once it goes, watch it. I also remember anything anyone did wrong to me. Forgiveness is not my way, though I’m trying to get better about it.

Abused children live with demons every day, but don’t we all?