I’ve had a…not good relationship with my dad. I don’t hate him, I don’t love him. I feel towards him the same way I feel towards my neighbors; I don’t know you and you don’t bug me too much, so you’re pretty much OK.
But he called me and asked if he and his wife could stop during a trip so he could meet his grandkids. I said OK. He is barely “grandpa,” and only because he is genetically their grandfather does he hold that title.
His wife is NOTHING to my girls. Maybe she’s cool, maybe she’s a bitch; it doesn’t matter. My mum is “tiny granma.” My wife’s mum is “nana Debbie.” What should my dad’s wife be called?
I let my 4 year-old call my stepmother Grandma. I certainly don’t call her mom, as I was in my mid twenties when my father married her, but because they were already married for a while when I had my daughter “Grandma” was way less confusing for my daughter.
My mother is dead though, so that was another factor. If stepmother wasn’t Grandma my daughter wouldn’t really have one. It sounds like your family is crawling with them, so YMMV.
Edit to add: perhaps my point should be to call her whatever makes sense to you and your family, there’s no “proper” way to deal with it.
I’m a dad’s/grandpa’s wife and I’m okay with being called by my first name.
I’d be okay with Miss too, but it feels a bit unnatural. If a child called me Miss, I’d think they were coached ahead of time.
How are you going to introduce them to the kids? Are you going to say “This is my dad; his name is X?” or “This is your grandpa” or “This is Mr. X”? Your kids will probably take their cue from that.
I plan on introducing them as "this is granpa DESK, sr., he’s daddy’s dad. This is “Miss K, granpa’s wife.”
My wife works at their daycare, and “Miss (name)” is the usual title for “Women who I need to listen to but aren’t related to.” I don’t want to hurt her feelings though. Any problems between me and “poppa-san” aren’t theirs, it’s ours. She doesn’t deserve the grief, even if he does.
So, she’s not "grannma,"but what title is sufficient?
I notice you’re from “down in the boondocks” - would that be the southern portion of the United States? If so, I think a Miss or Mrs. in front of her first name would be the norm. Folks further north seem to be more comfortable with the first name only, but down here that smacks of disrespect (whether intended or not) unless specifically invited to be that casual. Grandma or Granny seem too familiar unless she extends that permission and you feel comfortable with it.
My exstep grandkids, step grandkids and three-fourths of my friends’ kids call me Tia Pansy or Auntie (ahn-tee) Pansy. It’s a familiar but respectful title that offends almost no one. My nephews call me Aunt (ant) Pansy.
To my ear, Miss Pansy sounds funny when said with a western twang instead of a southern drawl, and it’s not nice to snicker at children who are trying to be polite.
Well, another Southern point of view then:
My sister’s kids call my mom(and her mom) Nana and my dad(her step-dad) by his first name. That’s the only grandparents they have.
My brother(dad’s son)'s use the same names. My dad doesn’t really fit the Grandpa name. Brother’s mom is Bowwow(she runs the humane society in town), and I think they call his stepdad by his first name. Brother’s wife’s mom is Nana name or something similar, and they call his dad by his first name.
My kids have
Nana (my husband’s mom)
Nonny (my bio-mom),
Grandma Smith (my grandmother, whom I call Grandma generally and was referred to as Grandma Smith only occasionally to clarify we weren’t talking about Grandma Jones(now deceased) when I was a kid)
Grandma Annie (my step-mother, whom I call Annie) and
Aunt Martha (my dad and Joanne’s non-legal partner - she didn’t enter the picture until I was an adult - I call her simply Martha).
When I was a child meeting my step-mother’s mother for the first time, I was so nervous because I didn’t know what to call her. I think I was around 11. She arrived late one night after I was in bed, and the next morning as I tiptoed past the guest room, she called me in for a chat. She was this little wizened old Victorian-era schoolmarm from a wealthy Vermont family. She had, at this point, been living alone in a house in the woods for well on 30 years. With all the dignity and gravitas of that behind her, she announced: “I hear you’ve had some trouble deciding what I should be called. I taught school for 25 years, you know, and I always told my students, 'I shan’t care how you address me, so long as such address is done with respect. You may call me Alice or Grandmother or any other thing you can dream up!” In the end, we decided on Grandma Alice, and so it was until she died a few years ago.
We knew my grandfather’s second wife (wonderful woman) by her first name. She is still the only grandmother I know, since my blood grandmother died before I was born.
I don’t particularly care for my step-mother and my daughters and step-son all call her Grandma Pat and my dad Grandpa Mike. My step-dad is Grandpa Harold, mostly because he became a grandpa at 32 and it tortured him to hear it. My husband’s step-parents are called Grandma and Grandpa first name. It’s just what we call the grandparent’s married spouse–they get to become grandparents through marriage. My kids have a whole mess of grandparents using this method.
My grandpa’s got a new wife (er, new since I was 7) and I’ve always called her by her first name. I love her dearly.
I do, however, introduce them as my grandparents. But, when I write letters to them I put the salutation “Dear Grandpa and [hername],” which doesn’t seem to be weird to any of us.
Okay, this is kind of complicated, so bear with me. I have two half-brothers (same mother). However, my dad raised them and even when my parents divorced, they continued to live with MY dad. So technically he was a stepdad in the first place and then when my parents divorced, he was no longer related. Meanwhile, my mother remarried and then my dad also remarried. Both brothers now have daughters. Their names for my many parents:
My mom = Grandma Sparkles (because she wears sparkly shirts)
My stepdad = Bradpa
My dad = Paw-Paw
My stepmom = Granny Jan.
Definitely agree with this. The old “courtesy aunt/uncle” thing. The person’s first name should be used rather than anything like “grandma”, but a first name is a bit too familiar for children, so it’s “Aunty Firstname”. My son knows all my adult friends as “Aunty/Uncle Whatever”. He’s nine years old. A few more years, and he can drop the “Aunty” or “Uncle”, but not just yet.
Ask her what she’d like to be called by the kids. If the kids don’t feel comfortable with her choice, Miss Whoever seems a bit formal. I think she’ll probably be offended by the formality of it because people don’t refer to family as Miss Anything, and she is family, even if the relationship isn’t particularly cozy.
