Daft Hamburger Confections You Would Consider Offering to a Conservative Burger Friend

Politically, I am a raving anarchist. In the kitchen, I am William F. Buckley. I keep to classic and simple foods. A good conservative hamburger is dressed in a classic and simple manner. Onion, pickle, mustard, nothing that would cause a heart murmur in J. Wellington Wimpy. Now, then.

Last summer I found myself in South Dakota town of Custer, south of Mt Rushmore, at a burger joint called “Black Hills Burger and Bun.” There, I had a revelation called the “Hot Granny.” It had won awards west of the Mississippi for not only Best Burger, but Best SANDWICH. Bear with me here.

Lightly toast your roll. Grill your burger, medium rare, the way all the best people do. Now, you have already roasted a handful of jalapeno or serrano chilis, seeded, stemmed, and skinned them, and cut them into thin strips.

Hamburger onto roll. A heaping tablespoonful of salsa verde onto the patty. As many sliced roasted chilis as you can take onto the salsa.

Here’s the weird part. A SCHMEAR of cream cheese on the top half of the bun.

Slam together and eat. The cream cheese ameliorates the heat of the chilis. Ex-fucking-quisite.

At “Black Hills Burger and Bun” they also criss cross the burger patty with crisp bacon strips. I have always held that bacon on a burger is gilding the lily, and I don’t think it adds to this experience, but do indulge if you like.

Now, who’s come across other weird-ass hamburgers that are so good they would appeal to traditionalists? Recipes, please, if you have them.

My daughter and I once made sliders with a dollop of vanilla ice cream between the burger and the top bun. Pretty good! But you had to eat it fast… :slight_smile:

We had it branded and everything, but now forgot our trademarked name. I blame the corporate interests that own America.

Ahh! She just remembered… “Burger’s Sucream”. :smiley:

*Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives *burger recipes.

ETA: My favorite daft burger-Beet sliders.

Oh yeah. The JCB (Jalapeno cream cheese burger) at My Brothers Bar in Denver. What a perfect combination. The Beat boys used to hang out there. In fact, there is a framed letter on the wall from Neal Cassady (Dean Moriarty in Jack Kerouac’s books) written from prison asking a friend to pay his bar tab for him.

At the local Killer Burger (menu) they do a number of varieties, but are best known for the peanut butter-pickle-bacon version. It’s outstanding. I’ve also had the Black Molly: “Smokey House Sauce, Grilled Onion, Philly Steak, Provolone, Brined Green Chilies, Mayo, Bacon” (and a burger). They used to do a ghost pepper burger, but making them created a lot of problems in the place (gas masks, having to clean the grill afterwards, etc.), so they stopped.

This is a local chain and is one of the best burger joints I’ve eaten in in 67 years.

One of my favorite burger places in Chicago (Lockdown) has a burger called the Fat Elvis. It’s a burger patty topped with peanut butter, bacon, and a banana sauteed in Grand Marnier.

It’s about as daft as can be, but it really, really works.

I’ll admit those Californians hit on a good idea when they started putting avocado slices on burgers.

No doubt.

My all time favorite is, burger, cheddar, bacon, avocado, and hickory sauce.

Who is the OP? His name sounds so familiar. Didn’t he voice Jiminy Cricket? I thought he was dead.

C’mon, Uke Ike! McDonald’s doesn’t even seed its jalapenos. Might as well use a green pepper. :wink:

He’s from New York City.

That’s the only place you can get cream cheese by the schmear.

We have a restaurant chain called Original Joe’s that has a Kona burger, to which I add avocado slices;
Lettuce, tomato,avocado,mayo,red onion slices, grilled pineapple, peppered bacon, mozza and sweet teriyaki on a really good bun.

Get outta my head!!! I stopped in to mention pineapple. Sounds insane, but it’s been around forever and is delicious. It has to be grilled and the teriyaki makes it even better.

The OP’s burger sounds like poppers on a bun. All my favorites. I’ll have to try it soon!

Drizzle the grilled patty with honey. Sprinkle heavily with caviar. I call it The Sharknado.

Medium Rare ground beef is disgusting. As a man who loves a bloody rare steak, even slightly pink ground beef makes me gag. I don’t get how anyone can enjoy a burger that way. It feels like greasy mushy mess in your mouth.

I’m also pretty sure that while on properly handled steak, all the bacterial load is on the outside that will be killed when you sear it, ground beef will have an even bacterial load throughout and therefore must be cooked thoroughly to ensure safety. But maybe I’m not correct on that point.

I love raw fish in sushi, I love rare steaks that are barely warm throughout… but yeah, not my ground beef. A properly made burger needs to be brown all the way through.

For me, it depends on the patty. A thin little fast-food style burger? It’s hard to get the proper browny-crusty goodness on the outside without leaving it well-done in the middle. A big ol’ 1/2 lb pub burger? That has to be on the rare side of medium rare for me, or a proper medium rare if I know the place well enough that they won’t give me a medium burger by accident. Then again, beefsteak tartare is one of my favoritest things in the world…

Agree with drew. A pink burger is an affront unto Nuggan.

Teriyaki burgers are great. But one of the best changes I’ve ever seen to a burger is making the patty out of 50% ground beef and 50% hot Italian sausage.

Judging by the menu at Prime 112 in South Beach, which was buzzing with that year’s Republican National Convention on the memorable night my husband and I ate there, a Republican would appreciate lots of bleu cheese, foie gras, and a healthy drizzle of truffle oil on his hamburger.

You can’t go wrong with pulled pork, pimento cheese, and deep fried jalapenos.

One other contribution: a little local fast food place near my job has a gyro burger, which is basically just their normal burger with 2-3 small slices of gyro meat on top, kinda like a bacon burger using gyro instead of bacon. It’s pretty good and not overpowering, but their burgers and buns aren’t particularly good. I’d love to find a higher-quality version of that somewhere.

Yeah, well, look how things worked out for Nuggan. I’m sure he was affronted by nice rare burgers too.

Burger with calamari rings is lovely, especially topped with some seafood risotto.