Just picked up a box of Capt’n Crunch at the grocery store. Wanted to relive my childhood, when I used to sit on the living room floor, get strung out on sugary-sweet cereal, and just did nothing. Thought it may be a nice way to bond with Mini Macro before I went to work (Mini Macro’s my son, not my wanker. Thought I’d stem any jokes before they were made).
Goddammit, I now have little pieces of skin hanging off the roof of my mouth! Jesus H. Everloving Christ, it’s just cereal, it shouldn’t hurt that much! I can’t even enjoy my morning coffee because of the numerous cuts all over my mouth!
I guess maybe I had a buildup of scar tissue on the roof of my mouth when I was a kid, as I don’t remember Capt’n Crunch = Slight Pain Most of the Morning.
I’m not looking forward to tomorrow morning’s breakfast.
Yeah, I know where you’re coming from. I noticed a few years ago that certain cereals were beating the crap out of the inside of my mouth. I don’t remember that happening when I was a young kid. I would eat bowl after bowl of Honeycomb and Cocoa Puffs and the roof of my mouth was fine. Now a single bowl will make me feel as if someone went apeshit inside my mouth with a sandblaster.
Tip for tomorrow’s breakfast: Pour the milk and let the cereal stand for a couple minutes.
In my experience, the plain rectangular Crunch pieces hurt a lot more than the Crunch Berries or Peanut Butter Crunch pieces. (Mmmmm…peanut butter.) But the same thing happens to me–those little babies cause serious pain!
Yes, at age 32, I still buy and eat Cap’n Crunch on a regular basis. My wife thinks I’m a freak.
**MikeG]/b] Thank you!!! I was just going to do that myself.
Also, last time I gave in to the urge and experienced the Cap’n, I was in horror that such a wonderful tooth-decaying sweetness would relegate me to eating yogurt and baby food for the next two days.
Mike G: Sorry about the errant “T”. I didn’t have the box sitting on my desk at work.
Man, when they say “Crunch” on the box, I guess they aren’t fucking around. I guess I didn’t let them soak long enough. How long is the soggy half-life for Crunch Berries? Should I pour an oversized pyrex bowl of the stuff the night before, and let them sit on the counter? Dammit, I have a life(sort of) and don’t have time for this crap.
ok, first off, there’s this little copncept called chewing… it just might help.
although, in reality, I do know what you’re talking about. it is a very odd phenomenon to have the roof of your mouth seemingly razed by corrosive cereal bits. I’ve not experienced this with any cereal other than Cap’n Crunch, however. reminds me of the old SLN skit with Akroyd trying to sell the “Bag-o-Glass” as a safe toy…
oh, yeah… you could also let the cereal soak up some milk before eating, just to the point that it is close to being soggy, but still has some crunch to it. the mouth abrasions are minimized by doing this.
My favorite was always Cookie Crisp. I mean, a little bowl of chocolate-chip cookies for breakfast? Come on! Those things rock. Can’t imagine they are too healthy.
I swear to IPU, the sign that I had actually become old was not when I realized I hadn’t listened to any radio station but WTOP News for a month, not when I first looked at teenage fashion and said, “That’s just stupid,” not when I first talked about the end of the Cold War and realized the person I was talking to was too young to have remembered that.
No, it was when I poured myself a nice bowl of Cheerios and realized they tasted good enough without pouring a scoop of sugar on top. I was crestfallen.
And for tearing apart the roof of your mouth, nothing beats Apple Jacks. They’re deceptive because they’re round, so you don’t think they have sharp edges, but they’re like tiny chakras with a hint of cinammon, serrated edges and jagged crystals all waiting to rip themselves straight across the roof of your mouth. After about five bowls, my mouth was so torn up that I couldn’t taste anything but sugary pain. Of course, after five bowls, it didn’t really matter- I couldn’t feel my toes, either, after that much sugar.
Hey, he didn’t make Cap’n by handing out soggy cereal that soothes people’s mouths. However, I think the name fails to imply the vicious nature that we now know the man to have. But then, you wouldn’t buy it if it were called “Cap’n Laceration.”
i’m a little pubic hair,
short and curly!
i get sticky when you come to early.
when you try to clean me,
i will shout,
“ouch, you fucking bastard!,
you just pulled me out!”
