Dear Neighborhood Dickhead Patrol,
My mother and her boyfriend are insane, I know. They roar and scream and have got nothing nice to say about much of anything or anyone. They are horribly insecure and get meanlooking and a bit offensive whenever they go outside and you and your friends stand staring *all *the time, *every *time. Especially if they are on the back deck and you are peering around the side of the house. I think once they got so irritated that Mom said, “What are *you *fuckin looking at?”
Yesterday I went out with them for a ride to the local videodump, knowing that I hate going *anywhere *with them, but I was bored! Sorry! Will try to keep them more under wraps at my own expense. I suppose some of you were here or there in one of the many pools across the street and noticed them complaining as usual, but you do not understand at all, and I know, I shouldn’t be surprised. They didn’t talk to any of you or barely look at all, just were bitchy to each other. So, what’s it to you?
Anyway, you come by sometime last night to soap the windows on mom’s car to say: DICKHEADS.
Good for you. You threw stones at her house, soaped the window, have let the air out of her tires and I don’t know what you expect to change? Well, I suppose this calls for a keying next, because, to tell you the truth, my mom is going to be like this forever. You may as well ignore them, since they really don’t go out very much, you know? Hey, though maybe you can try calling us the next meanest thing you know: noobs.
Whatever. We *are *dickheads, but you are dickheads, too. I can remember when we first moved in and I stood on the back deck one night. I heard you checking the front door, but I let it go. Sorry, it was a bad time for me. I had been moving everything from her old house almost completely by myself, so I didn’t have the energy to barely move. I’m not the kind of guy that will roar and curse at you across the street or anything anyway. Your klique is mostly what, 13-year-old girls and boys? What the hell do I do, run around the house and do what? Chase you down the street?
(For the record: There was no phone here at the time and I was the only one around, so I couldn’t call the police.)
Thank you for your time, Neighborhood Dickhead Patrol. Your insight has been worthless. I can’t believe you haven’t anything to do after a swim but find some soap for dumb stuff like this. I would want to climb into my bed for even *more *comfort. But hey, I’m a *big *dickhead, so you tell me.
I hope that your parents or one of your own will even you out. Until then, I will see what I can do to to alert your parents, and if not, keep my ear to the phone and the cops to your door whenever you start creeping around.