So I’m standing there at 2:00 a.m. holding my kid’s turdy ass in the air and once again the damn Handy Diaper Wipe Dispenser is clinging to the last 4 wipes. They’ve joined together to form a wad that won’t fit through the Handy Diaper Wipe Slot. Whipping the box through the air wildly only works part of the time. Usually I just manage to hurl the Handy Diaper Wipe Lid onto the floor and under some piece of furniture.
And just for the record, the EZ Reach variety isn’t any better; since they can’t rely on the box lid to inflict annoyance, they’ve eliminated all surface variety on the wipes themselves. This guarantees that you can’t possibly get a grasp on one sheet at its center and must instead pick up a whole pile of them from the outer corner. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent futilely scraping the surface of the diaper wipe with my stub of a fingernail in a vain attempt to peel a single sheet.
I think these were designed by the same geniuses who created the Kraft Deluxe mac & cheese box, which I swear cannot be opened by a human thumb.
My wife always leaves the cover/lid open on these bastards. Not only do they dry out, they somehow go beyond dry and turn into some substance that is not to come in contact with human skin.
How does this work? A little moisture, pure heaven. Dry, untouchable. Who invented these? And, more importantly, why can’t my wife ever close the lid?
We have found a solution to this problem. We put a new wad of wipes in the box, then give it to the baby. She pulls them all out, then stuffs them back in. Voila! pre-separated wipes. You can’t use the pop up dispenser any more, but they never stick together.
Try Huggies wipes, you just pull them off of the whole stack one by one, no dispenser necessary. I usually pull three out befroe the diaper comes off, and if it isn’t a three wipe job, I just fold 'em and put em back.
Pampers wipes are continous, like Kleenex. If you pull one you get a long sting of them. You look like a magician pulling a magic scarf out of his pocket.
Huggies are one at a time wipes (or they were), but they stick together. I can’t tell you how many times I have needed ONE or two wipes and I can’t get them to unstick, so I have to pull out a stack that’s 1/4" thick.
You apparently haven’t learned Rule #1 of changing Diapers:
The number of wipes left in the box will be in direct inverse proportion to the size of the mess in the diaper.
Slighty damp diaper? Full box of wipes.
Same kid, half-hour later, massive blow-out toxic-waste style mess? Two wipes left in the box. Never fails.
Sorry to quote myself, but regardless of wipe brand/style, this is the key. If you aren’t sure what you are dealing with, peek through the leg, or hold the baby up in the air and sniff its ass. . . I wouldn’t have believed I’d become an ass sniffer until my little bundle got here two months ago.
Last weekend I caught myself sniffin’ bootie in Texadelphia. The waitress was not pleased.
Oh yes, I’m all too familiar with this. I also try to pre-peel and set out at least three wipes before removing a stinky diaper. If that fails, I find the key is to have an idea of where the edge of the top fold tends to lie on whatever brand you’re using, so you don’t spend an hour scraping the whole top with your nail.
I also use baby washcloths soaked in a solution of water, baby oil, and lavender essential oil. Much easier to separate, and they work better.
For instance, no disposable wipe will remove the last vestiges of Cheerio poop. I swear you have to pick each individual granule of oat fiber off the kid’s butt with a pincer motion if you use the disposables. The nap of the washcloths does a much better job.
I’ll pick my nose, thump my nose, pull hairs out of my nose, squeeze zits on my nose, poke my nose with a pin, thumb my nose, turn my nose up, blow my nose and scratch my nose, but I refuse to use it to sniff shit on purpose!
I get plenty of shit-whiff on accident around my place.
I have a friend who never did the sniff test or peek test. She’d stick her finger down the back of her baby’s diaper to see if he was poopy, and always, always, shriek in horror if her finger came out covered in baby shit.
I never could understand why she did that.
And with regard to this, from AerynSun:
This brings back memories. And not very pleasant ones.
I am soooo glad my kids are well beyond the diaper age.
The wife of a friend of mine lived in Saudi Arabia for a while, many years back. He reports that grown, adult men would pee in the street in a manner quite similar to that described in the Chinese article. Said the fronts of those white gowns tended to have yellow streaks.
I always wondered what Native American women did with their papoose poo. How on earth did Sacajawea manage?
Well, we have cats who eat too fast, so we have plenty of that in the house - it’s gotten to the point where we try to catch them with a bag before they can do any damage. It’s the Grand Prix of Kitty Puke.
But the thought of cleaning Cheerio-encrusted butts is just a little too squidgy. Maybe I can invent a hose that’ll get right into the little holes and squirt those bad boys right off instead of picking them off.
(Although, it’ll just take one cute little two-year-old baby grin, and I won’t care about this stuff…those damn smiles get me every time…).
Ahh what memories it brought back. I’m glad my youngest is 14 now, so I haven’t changed a diaper in quite a while.
My son (now 21) could produce more shit than grown man. Just as he was learning to walk we’d catch him all the time pulling himself up on the sofa and then we’d watch him stand there, face getting redder and redder whilst he passed a brick into his diaper. “Uh honey, I think we might need to change his a diet a little bit”
By the way, what is it about Thompson Seedless grapes that a) don’t digest, and b) produce the foulest smelling shit in the world.
I’m tellin’ ya, it’s just plain weird to be changing a kids diaper and see grape skins, and yellow corn.
