All right, you handcart-pushing box-loading mailman wannabes, listen up. I’ve had problems with your service off and on for the past year, but this tears it.
Is it so hard to ring the damn doorbell? It’s right there on the wall. Yes, beside the door. No, that’s the mailbox. See the button with a symbol of a bell over it? Yes, that’s the “doorbell.” No, I realize it’s not physically attatched to the door, but if you push it anyway, I’ll hear it. There was somebody at home all day, so I won’t buy any “I rang but you must have been out” bullshit.
I must also commend you on your camoflage skills. When I look out the screen door, I would never have suspected that you sneakily put the box behind the bush. No, I wasn’t suspicious at all that somebody had put my doormat behind said bush and it now was hovering a foot off the ground. Wait! It’s not an antigravity doormat at all! That clever FedEx man covered this box with it and ran away. Oh, you scamp.
Good thing you put this box behind the bush, because God knows I wouldn’t want to deprive the ants the chance to eat my salmon shipped from Seattle before I do. You semi-sentient dog target, do you possibly make the connection between the fishy smell, the picture of a fish on the box, the word “FISH” just below the picture, and the concept of “perishable goods?” Oh wait, you must have, because you wanted to keep it nice and cool by putting it in the sun then covering it with my filthy doormat. You then struck a deal with the ant colony and asked them to protect it, and sealed the deal by placing the box directly atop the ant freeway cruising across the front yard. My hat’s off to your hygenic prowess. Who knows, two huindred years ago you could have been a leader in the field of medicine instead of giving my food to the insects.
I’ll think of you as I’m picking charred bugs off my salmon steak as I barbecue it this weekend, you stupid fuck. Oh yes, and expect a delivery later tonight. It’s a jumbo-size can of whoopass, and it’s coming from UPS.
I can never understand delivery people. I’ll order some miserable $5.00 widget and it will take three days to get it because they’re trying to get my signature. But when I ordered my expensive television mail order, the guy dropped it on the porch, rang the bell, and was back in his truck and driving off before I made it the 20 feet to the door. I was pretty pleased having an enormous box prominently labeled “Really Nice Expensive Television” dropped on my front porch for any evil passerby to see.
Finagle, exactly the same thing happens to me everytime someone calls to drop off a package. They ring the bell and are in their truck driving away before I even get to the door.
That’s weird, because I had to sign a release to get them to leave my packages without a signature. I receive something at least once a week, and sometimes three or four, and I don’t want to have to worry that something important (like a game with a deadline) won’t be delivered until they catch me at the right time.
And when I call them back, the person tells me they’ll be there between 1 and 4, which means 4:30. But I HAVE to be there, and awake (I work graveyard shift), in case the come at 1.
I used to telecommute for a company that shipped documents to me via Fed Ex, and it took ages to get them to respect the “no signature required” thing I had signed. I actually caught the guy once putting the “failed delivery attempt” post-it on the front door, without knocking first. He hadn’t even brought the package up to the house!!!
You can always check http://www.fedex.com for information on FedEx’s policies. You might also want to remember that it’s up to the sender, not the delivery person, to pay for a particular service. There’s a difference between “deliver only if someone signs” and “drop it off at the door because the sender already gave that option.”