Man, oh man, oh man. Looking over my earlier posts, I almost can’t believe that I made them. Other than the third season of The Amazing Race, I can’t remember a time my enthusiasm for a reality show plummeted faster. The music choices, the bizarre eliminations, the depressingly predictable scoring, the endless themes and skits and shows…sheesh, it almost looks like a Mad TV* parody at this point.
Oh well, I started this season, and by gum I’m going to finish it. In fact, I’m going all out…I’m making predictions on where the last four are going to finish, and I’m going to STAND BY THEM 100% right up to the point they inevitably blow up in my face.
Shame about Romeo, but at least he accomplished his stated goal and built some character in the process. Best of luck on his new career, definitely.
CHELSEA KANE
Pro: Fast learner, poised, cheerful, confident, in great shape.
Con: Partner is becoming more and more of an albatross, to the point of annoying the judges (very bad sign).
Deserves - 1st. I picked her as a favorite from the beginning, and nothing that’s happened since has changed this stance. She just looks great out there, and she should not be punished for Ballas’ sins…
My prediction - 4th. …which, of course, means she will. Plus there’s that whole kill-the-front-runner vibe that invariably surrounds these shows. Not as powerful here as on some shows, but it’ll be enough to deny her the final.
Where she’ll end up now that I’ve stupidly made a prediction - 3rd. She’ll get just enough support to foil my prediction, then, when the viewers realize she’s gone the distance and there’s nothing to lose by being petty, she’s toast.
RALPH MACCHIO
Pro: Agile, plenty of stamina and grit, great chemistry, and he’s an actor, which seems to account for 90% of every routine these days.
Con: Take a wild guess.
Deserves - 4th. He’s hurting. He should be gone already. It’s scandalous that these stars can’t simply bow out gracefully. Acknowledge the fun times and set him free, dammit.
My prediction - 1st. Between his boyish charm, all the sympathy votes (and he’s just going to get more and more), and how much the show is trumping him up, he’d need incriminating photos of Mark Bergeron to have a better chance at running the table.
Where he’ll end up now that I’ve stupidly made a prediction - 2nd. The X factor here is the judges. If their opinion doesn’t mean anything, which it doesn’t the large majority of the time, Macchio wins easily. If it means a lot, he doesn’t have a prayer. Roll the dice a hundred times and take the average, and it looks like they’re going to do just enough to deny him the mirror ball trophy.
HINES WARD
Pro: Fantastic attitude that’s never wavered, fit, healthy, as fresh today as at the very beginning, dependable fanbase.
Con: Still a bit stiff despite his efforts, hammy actor at best.
Deserves - 2nd. Would’ve been a solid 4th-6th in past seasons. He should be more than happy with the runner-up spot.
My prediction - 2nd. He’ll make it a lot closer than I’d like and give the eventual winner a scare but come up just short.
Where he’ll end up now that I’ve stupidly made a prediction - 4th. The ability to do cornball theater shouldn’t mean anything, which means that it’s going to make all the difference in the world. He’s going to be the odd man out, and legions of Packers fans will celebrate like this matters a millionth as much as winning the Super Bowl.
KIRSTIE ALLEY
Pro: Uh…she’s an actress. And she’s very inspirational. And…uh…uhhhh…nice personality?
Con: Overweight (it’s improved, but not tremendously), limited physical skills, looks like she ran a 10K after every damn routine.
Deserves - 3rd. Should’ve been 6th, but as it stands now the important thing is showing Macchio some mercy. Then she can crash and burn in the final, much like Bristol Palin. Man, that is one contestant you do not want to keep reminding people of…
My prediction - 3rd. That actually sounds about right (and a reasonable compromise for the typical DWTS viewer), so I’m going with it.
Where she’ll end up now that I’ve stupidly made a prediction - 1st. Every season there’s at least one thing that goes completely against my sensibilities, one outcome that utterly, savagely screws me over and keeps on screwing and screwing and screwing until it strikes oil. This is where it happens. I can feel it. I’m dreading it. I’m loathing it. It’s going to happen. It’s ridiculous. It’s unfathomable. It’s going to happen. It’s going to create shockwaves. It’s going to make the Kelly Monaco flap look like a hissy fit. It’s going to happen.
Still waiting for that first 30. Saving it for the final, perhaps?