I could well regret posting this. Please, this once, don’t make me.
Ah, well.
Today I went to a wedding reception: the wedding reception of the most perfect girl in the world, whom I always adored, and who always adored me, and whom I never so much as asked out.
I got married a year ago. I love my wife desperately. This isn’t that kind of post.
But… well. Did you ever have that “in another universe it could have been so different” feeling? There was never any way we could have gone out. We were just always with someone else at the time, or always just starting to flirt when something immeasurably more important came up. But I knew it, and she knew it, and it was just there, and now she’s married too and… ah, well. In this case I’m very glad I’m a Christian. In the next world we’ll all be so much closer.
I don’t want sympathy, but by God I could use a bit of empathy. Anybody know where I’m coming from? Totally desireless wistfulness? The man she married is just perfect for her, and I would never, NEVEREVER do anything to jeopardise her happiness or my wife and impending child, but… hey… she’s grown up too?!?
Ross, this doesn’t make you a bad guy at all, it makes you human. In my book, it’s perfectly possible to love one person desperately and yet think “what if”. You know you wouldn’t ever actually do anything, so don’t punish yourself for perfectly natural thoughts. I know where you’re coming from, and it’s not a bad place.
In my most recent case (and there will always be a case in the Chrome Spot universe) yes, there was someone who made my life hell in the best possible sense of the word. She teased me mercilessly, and it confused the hell out of me. I recently said that “it reached ally mcbeal levels of stupidity.” I hope that gives you some idea of how things were working.
There was the age thing (I’m older, but not acting my age), the work thing (knew her from work, which made the whole romance thing difficult), and there was the other thing (ambition on her part, lack of it on mine; whole questing-searching thing on her part, I presume, found it sense on mine). Plus the Old 97’s song that I can’t get out of my head with the refrain “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have designs on you.” The constraints in this case are entirely of my choosing, it seems: I’m not married, not seeing anyone even half serious. I also just came back from happy hour and a quick dog-walk, so I’m still loose enough to confess all this jazz.
Be happy; you have someone to spend your life with. I hope the choice you made makes you happier than the choice you couldn’t make. Rest assured that the vast majority of those still living know how you felt. The rest took it to the grave with them.
I think almost all of us can understand. It’s painful, but in a strange way, where you’re smiling, yet hurting a little at the same time. Take heart though that you have a reason to be happy now. And in 10 years time, “what could have been” won’t matter so much because you will realize that the happiness of your marriage and family over those past 10 years and into the future will be far more significant.
Quick aside to Chrome Spot: The Old 97’s rock!
Oh I can totally relate. I’ve been married for five years and I occasionally I’ll meet someone who I wish I’d known before I met my hubby. Not that I would trade places now. I love my husband and can’t imagine my life without him. Sometimes there’s that “what if?” feeling.
Oh yeah, that’s a common thing, Ross. It really is.
I’ve got a somewhat similar story. Now, I’m a bachelor myself, so it’s kinda different.
Two months ago, I attended a wedding where one of my best friends got married to an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was also 7 months pregnant, so it was a pretty convincing marriage picture too.
I’m completely OK with their marriage, I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. The fact that one of my best friends got my “left-overs” is always good for a laugh (hey, we’re a weird bunch that way).
But STILL. It’s weird seeing an ex-GF say “yes” to another man, it really is.
Of course, their life is now officially over, and mine’s just beginning. For example, at the wedding I met one of the girls I used to share a house with in my college days.
She’s one of those rare woman that will only grow more beautiful with age. Wow.
And guess what? She was single again, too.
I’m going over to her old country side cottage next weekend. Fingers crossed.
(Prolly, nothing will happen. But it’s fun enough just for the sheer opportunity to be there again, ya know?)
Yes. It happened to me at my former job about 4 years ago. She was just married, I had been married for about 3 years. We just got along really well and became good friends, but she was somone that made me wonder if I hadn’t met my wife, and she had not met her husband, what would have happened. I guess you could say that there was a small part of me that had a huge crush on her and I kind of got the same feeling from her as well. What was amazing was how well we got along with each other. But I knew then and know now that I was happy being with my wife.
People don’t turn off their sexuality the minute they say “I do.” Being attracted to other people is a given. And gosh, wouldn’t the world be boring if we weren’t intrigued by other people?
The key is to know the difference between fantasy and reality. And it seems to me you do have a firm grasp on that. It’s perfectly acceptable to wonder “what if” and even to fantasize about another person. I don’t consider that a betrayal at all.
Ross, this happens to everyone from time to time. There are popular songs written about the phenomenom and everything. The way to deal with it is to remember all the things you love about your wife, the little things unique to her. The feeling goes away in a few minutes, just like deja vu.
(Or, if you’re a fan of SF, you can simply tell yourself that indeed there are infinite universes, and sometimes we get a quick mental glimpse of the ones that are very like our own. And in one of those other universes, another Ross is indeed with this other woman, and you got a quick flash of that Ross’s life. This isn’t a particularly useful fantasy or anything, but it’s fun, and it’s a handy delusion for people with chronic decision-making disorders.)
But really, Ross, don’t feel bad; I can’t say whether or not you’ve sinned, since I am not an expert on that, but I can say that I don’t think you’ve broken the bounds of a standard committed relationship. This has nothing to do with infidelity. IMO, at least, it has much more to do with your perceptions of yourself - in other words, you’re acknowledging that you’re still a human being, with an independent existence and worthwhile qualities, still capable of choice. This is an important recollection for those of us in long term relationships, since we can sometimes forget there’s a singular person in amongst the gestalt of the marriage.
And, even better, after acknowledging that you are capable of independent choice, that you have other options and other chances, you’re choosing to stay in your current life; what expression of commitment and satisfaction and fidelity could be more powerful than that?
I don’t want sympathy, but by God I could use a bit of empathy. Anybody know where I’m coming from?
Oh, yeah. Most people have had this occur. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or bad to your wife for feeling like this. Even if you adore your spouse, it doesn’t mean you can turn off loving feelings toward another person (note I said loving, not lustful). You’re human. It’s OK.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. Same situation: totally in love with your spouse, but still find yourself wondering about that alternate reality with X or Y.
Hey, thanks, guys. That was a really helpful and cathartic discussion. I feel better, thanks to you. Perhaps we all shared a little moment of Ross growing up.
When I met my wife one of the things she did a lot was tell me how sure she was that I was “The One”. I said it too, and I felt bad because it seemed I was only doing it to be polite. Since then, however, I’ve realised that I really, truly don’t believe in this “The One” thing. It seems to imply that there’s one person with whom our lives with be a constant state of hassle-free bliss, and with whom the “in love” phase would last forever. And that’s pants, really, isn’t it? Whoever you end up with, it’s going to be LIFE, so it’ll remain extremely stressful.
Of course my sort believe God has someone picked out from the start of our lives, and He does, but He’s God, right, so He had today’s sock choice picked out aeons ago too. Do I spend the rest of the worrying that I’ve somehow short-circuited the free will/predestination gig that He’s had running perfectly for all eternity?
Do I sausage.
I guess I believe God’s intention is that everybody just grab a partner and get on with it. What happens next is His problem.
“What if I had asked her? What if she’d said yes?”
Lyric from The Road Not Taken
Joe Diffee sings it.
“I love my life and I’d never trade what you and me had for the life I’ve made. She here and she’s real, but you were, too, so every once in a while, I think about you.”
Lyric from Once in a While
Garth Brooks sings it.
These songs sold millions of copies because many people can relate to ‘what if’.
Ross, everyone has been in this boat, unless they’re wearing very heavy blinders.
I think deepbluesea’s 3rd paragraph sums it up very well. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve only proven you’re normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Personally, I use it as a 5 minute vacation from reality, and then press onward with the task at hand.
And one other thing - don’t assume that this other woman is forever beyond your reach. Not to wish anything bad, but sometimes spouses die, and the surviving ones remarry. It’s possible you and her may yet be together. (Did I give you another daydream?)
And after rereading that last paragraph, it sure feels like I just did a loud fart in church! Sorry, some days I’m not so glib as others…
When I was in HS I was totally in love with one of my friends. She was smart and funny, but I think she was ashamed of her looks, (she was a little overweight and taller than most girls) I was to shy then to approach her, and though I’m sure whe liked me, for some reason she never broached it either. Anyway she hooked me up with her best friend who I dated for several months. After that I coudn’t hook up with her because of the friend issue, but I’ve always wondered.
Yeah, me too. I mean, I think it’s possible that God has one person picked out, but then I also believe that God can see all the variable time/reality lines that each of our small, individual, daily decisions can create so I don’t have issues with it that much. I don’t think we’re puzzle pieces with only one match.
