Some of my favorites:
“I know what you’re thinking, punk,” hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, “you’re thinking, ‘Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?’ - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel loquacious?’ - well do you, punk?”- Stewart Vasperu, Scotland. (I’d love to see a movie with Clint Eastwood as an angry writer)
Todd languished there, neck deep in the pumpkin-hued Amargosa Desert sand like a long forgotten cupcake in an Easy Bake Oven gone hellishly amok, and it finally made sense . . . “ooohhhh, DEATH Valley.”- Jeffrey Barnes, Atlanta
It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide. -Derek Fisher, Ottawa, Canada
Detective Otto Slugbert liked to compare himself to a legendary chess master, but his arch-enemy Bert Boswell often sneered that at best he resembled a merely average player of Mille Bornes® or Tri-Ominoes®.- Mary Hickey, Kirkersville, Ohio
It was within the great stony nostril of a statue of Landrick the Elfin Vicelord that Frodo’s great uncle, Jasper Baggins, happened to stumble upon the enchanted Bag of Holding, not to be confused with the Hag of Bolding, who was quite fond of leeks, most especially in a savory Hobbit knuckle stew.- Camille Barigar, Twin Falls, Idaho
While Hector and the heroes of Troy trembled behind the ramparts as cowboys below the walls raced up and down the beach, six-guns blazing and cries of “yee-hah!” filling the air, other cowboys across the sea were laboring gamely but in vain to throw a palisade around Wichita, Kansas, thereby adding veracity to the old homily of history that it is easier to cow a fortified city than to fortify a cow city.- Christopher Backeburg, South Africa
As I watched the sun rise through the wisps of smog like an angry Scandinavian sumo wrestler clad in a gold lamé muumuu, riding an arthritically slow escalator through the smoke of his own cheap panatela to the linens and beddings floor at J C Penneys, I realized that upon the orb’s overtopping the horizon, simple geophysics would deal that metaphor a quick and far less painful death than it deserved.- Dennis Grace, Austin, Texas ([Comic Book Guy]Best simile ever.[/CBG])
Those who commit crime made the little rodent angry and sad so he decided to dedicate his life to fighting them by making himself a little costume and becoming a super crime fighter, but, because he was so small and wouldn’t be noticed, he nonetheless was able to carry the fight to the miscreants by letting the air out of their automobile tires during the commission of a crime, thereby earning himself the honorific of Deflator Mouse.-Brian Gregory, Bremorton, Wash.
His mistake, Shut-eye McBlamaway reflected, was not in standing up to a gang of desperadoes and rustlers on the high country, but in standing up to a gang of desperadoes and rustlers who had just left the set of a Sergio Leone shoot, and were thus equipped with those guns that never run out of ammunition.- Samuel Goldstein, Los Angeles (I love the name “Shut-eye McBlamaway.”)
The goose waddled slowly, heavily, across the road, exactly the way my mother-in-law would if she were a goose.- Mary Montiel, Wichita, Kansas
Twas brillig, and the toves were not just slithy, they were stinking drunk.- Richard A. Polunsky, Houston
The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days.- Randy Wilson, New Albany, IN
Enough quoting for now. Go read the rest yourself. I leave you with some wisdom:
“Grasshopper, the three secrets of life are as follows: first, keep your eyes and ears open; second: don’t tell everything you know.”- Andy Otes, French Forest, Australia
