Dating services- your experiences

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am a male in my early 30s (32 to be exact). I am still single, and my most recent opportunity to escape singlehood didn’t pan out like I was hoping it would, the details of which I will spare readers for the sake of brevity. I have tried or at least considered several options for finding women, but each of them has had its drawbacks and obviously none of them have ultimately worked. One of those options is using dating services. I first tried a few dating services about ten years ago, but nothing beyond a couple of one-time dates ever came out of it. I then tried another service a few years later, where they tried to match you up with compatible people, instead of just browsing listings on your own. I was listed for nine months without even one person referred to me or vice versa, before I gave up on this one. Discouraged by these experiences, I then stayed out of the dating scene for several years, but I got back into it earlier this year after a friend introduced me to a female friend of his. We hit it off well and we went together for about two months before her feelings about me and herself changed. While I am disappointed that things didn’t work out, I’m not wanting to give up again and waste away my 30s like I did for half of my 20s, and I don’t want to face the prospect of being in my 40s and still being single by then.

What I am asking for here is for people to share their dating service experiences. They can be good stories, bad stories, whatever. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, your age or your previous dating/marriage history. Hopefully enough of you will have good stories to share that will convince me to try this option again.

2

A friend of mine recently signed up to an internet dating site. She met a lot of people and had a lot of fun, and has just moved in with a guy she met through the site - they’ve been together about a year. She just signed up for fun though, and I suspect that is the key. If she had joined hoping to find a partner for life, she probably would have been disappointed.

3

I’ve been happily married to Pepper Mill for the past nine (Nine!!!) years, so all my information is out of date. I used a lot of dating services, mostly because I wasn’t meeting any women. I tried meeting women through activities, but it never seemed to work. Adult Education classes, church groups, sports clubs – nada. I never met wiomen through friends because – despite what you always hear from women about there not being any good men out there – none of my friends ever seemed to know any available women. I tried personal ads in small papers, with absolutely no luck. (Even when I kept changing the ads). So I tried dating services. I’ve used them in four different U.S. cities. I’ve had a lot of experience.
First, despite the questionnaires and interviews, I got the clear impression that the dating service emphatically did not know me or what I was looking for. Many just seemed to have a quota to fill, and not enough bodies in their data pools. One dating service had no moral qualms about combining the lists from their dating service with their roommate service, so I ended up being paired with some women who didn’t want (and weren’t expecting) dates. That was fun.

Some services were clearly only in it for the money, and customer satisfactioon be damned. Another group I joined was volunteer-run, and you selected your own date from binders full of personal data sheets (minus names, addresses, and phone numbers, of course). This was moderately more successful, but it still didn’t pan out. The other services I used were so overall unsuccessful and unsatisfying that I can’t even recall details.

Why did I keep going? Because they were one of the few games in town. I could still be guaranteed a few dates with the datuing services, along with the hope that something might develop. I pursued other avenues at the same time. I finally did meet Pepper Mill through a common-interest approach – we met at a science fiction convention.

4

After my Horrible Divorce was finalised this year, I tried out three Internet dating services. If you have ever visited darn near any commercial website, you will probably have seen their ads.

The first two sites I tried were no better than standing around a cocktail party with a drink in my hand, even if the drinks had cost $30 apiece, since that’s how much the sites cost per month. With both, you posted your picture, a few personal details, and a little essay. The personal details had “meat-market” written all over them–one site asked for my annual income! Neither of my ads attracted anything other than porn spam. You could also reply to ads. I replied to about 25 ads and received ZERO replies.

I was just about to give up on that entirely when a friend of mine suggested another site. This site was pretty full of mumbo-jumbo about finding “perfect matches” and “your soulmate” (that should give away the identity of the site I suspect) but actually seemed on the right track. It asked for about 500 answers to personal questions, put together a “personality profile,” and actually matched you to other respondents. You couldn’t respond to your matches right away; you had to send a series of potted answers to potted questions back and forth before you could get an e-mail address–and see a photo of your match. I got about 35 matches in three months: 25 responded to me at least once, I reached the “e-mail stage” on 10 of them, spoke to three and actually dated two. (I actually had three dates in a month, which was about the same total I had in the four years before I met my ex-wife!)

The last site I was on seemed to be put together well for my personality. I particularly liked, although I suspect most people would not, that I didn’t see a picture of the match before I got to the e-mail stage–I understand that the site has recently changed that rule, however. And I have to say that the matches I had were mostly well-suited, and the two women I dated were intelligent, funny and perceptive, if not exactly my “perfect match” or “soulmate.” Had other things not transpired, I’d probably still be using the site.

I haven’t tried speed dating (“hurry dating” as it seems to be called in T.O.), the personal ads, or singles nights. My single (mostly female) friends who have have been pretty disappointed with them though. In general, their problem with speed dating is that the time alloted lets you know if you don’t like someone but not if you like them; with personal ads that they don’t give you much space to describe yourself; with singles nights that they attract cheap drunks. Needless to say, YMMV.

Good luck, and cherchez la femme.

5

I’ve been divorced about ten years, and I’ve spent about three or four of those years unattached, all told. Most of that unattached time, I was answering or placing Internet ads, and I expended a lot of energy and time (and money!) on meeting women whom I contacted over the Net, with nary a single meeting resulting in a relationship. (I went out with some of these women several times, but nothing ever really clicked.)

A friend of mine (who wound up marrying somene he picked up on the subway) assessed the problem as follows: “There’s too much pressure because you both know that the other is looking for a relationship. If you just met socially somehow, you would be feeling more positive about the other person because you wouldn’t know at first if he/she was even available. So you tend to be more relaxed in social settings than you are in a 30-minutes-over-coffee-knowing-your-life-is-on-the-line situation.”

I know people (including me) who collectively have been on thousand of Internet-generated first dates, and I can’t think of one who is in a relationship now that begun that way.

I would recommend reconciling yourself to celibacy before I’d recommend bulk Internet dating. Unless you just have a lot of time, energy, money, and patience.

6

I met my SO online. We were in the same book discussion group on Yahoo Groups. I also used a few of the more heavily advertised Internet personals sites and met lots of really nice men–a couple I dated for quite some time. Of course, that’s the woman’s perspective and we are at a definite advantage in the online dating game.

7

I tried Matchmaker International about 12-13 years ago. Idiots. They never hooked me up with anyone remotely close to what I was looking for. I emphatically asked for a non-smoker. Three of the seven women were HEAVY smokers. I cut the membership (IIRC, about $600) off after seven attempts and put it down as lesson learned. I ended up meeting Mrs. Blue Sky through a mutual friend.

8

I met Mrs Mangetout through an ‘introduction agency’ specifically catering for single people of the Christian faith; it was little more than a newsletter with contact details (some of which were direct and others through a PO box); we wrote to each other a dozen times, then arranged a meeting and the rest is history. We’ve been married ten years now.

9

I met Mrs Alien through a dating agency. We were both divorcees and finding it difficult to meet people. It was expensive (£470) but in life you tend get what you pay for. My wife had tried a number of other agencies and definitely got her money’s worth i.e. the cheaper ones were crap. We finally met in February 1998 and married in July 1999.

My advice – be patient and persistent. Remember that if you didn’t pay much for the service, the research (into compatibility, location, detail offered) will be limited and you’ll get a lot of misses. In the end, if you find the right person, it doesn’t matter how long it took or how much it cost. Good luck!

10

I have tried internet dating extensivly for probably about 8 years now. I never paid for any ads or anything just things like yahoo and aol personals and i discovered the experience to be decidedly a mixed bag. Ive had women look NOTHING like thier pic and or description and ive met others that worked well and dated for long periods of time. in fact the woman im dating now i met online from yahoo and she is wonderful. With the online thing you have to be willing to seperate the wheat from the chaffe so to speak and go thru a handful of UGH dates per every decent one but if you find the one its all good in the end.

11

Rather than going for specific ‘dating’ sites, I would join chatrooms in Yahoo! (for eg). I met my current partner that way, just a chance meeting in a chatroom. We had a few long (8 hour!) conversations then I met her. We hit it off and have been living together for the last year.

The dating thing does, I think, put pressure on you. If you can chat to people without dating being the primary reason I think you’ll have better luck.

Hope it works out?!

J

12

I’ve had major troubles meeting someone in social situations. (Now how do I say this correctly?) But even tho I’m 41, most people take me for late 20s, early 30s tops. So what’s the problem? I get hit on by 25 year olds, and men in their 40s ignore me. So internet dating services are all that’s left. At least the potential and I know each other’s ages right off the bat.

I dont know why a lot of people have been having so many problems with internet dating services – I’ve been using one for the past few years. Granted, I haven’t met the love of my life yet (although I did date one guy for one great year) but I’m having lots of fun.

For those who did try it and got few responses – have you had an opposite-sex friend check your ad out? I hate to say it but I’ve not responded to men who find it too much trouble to be grammatical or use punctuation (come on, how hard is it?), for example. Have a friend critique you ad for appeal or errors. And have a good pic of yourself – it helps.

Secondly, (as Blue Sky pointed out) have you checked the person’s criteria on whether you’d match? (I indicate Christians only, I get responses from Jews; I ask for whites, I get responses from blacks). I also happen to be into tall men. I got a response from a guy who was 5’2. He emails me again several days later with a really nasty message about how it’s my loss. Possibly. But if you’re only into blondes or athletic types, believe me, I won’t be copping an attitude with you about your preferences if I’m a brunette or overweight.

For those of you who met through chatrooms – WHICH ONES?? I’ve been on the net for over 5 years now, and except for one (a goth/wiccan/vampyre one, no less) every chatroom I’ve visited has been boring and full of idiots. 90% of it is people greeting each other, or making nonsensical noises (that my children get reprimanded for when do it) or holding private conversations, and rarely does it ever involve the subject matter at hand (if there is one). I’d love to know what these chat rooms are, so let me know!

All in all, don’t give up. Those I’ve dated I’ve remained on good terms with, even if there is no romance in the air. But you can never have too many friends – and you never know – you may meet your future spouse that way!

13

I belonged to several on-line dating services and was mostly disappointed. Nearly all of the mail I received was from men who obviously hadn’t read my profile (wrong age/race/religion/whatever). Worse, most of the writers had not bothered to spell check or were unable to write at an 8th grade level. I met with four or five of them, but no “spark” ensued.
The two men I met through The Straight Dope were far more interesting, although only one of them lived locally.

14

When I was living in Dallas in 1985, a well-meaning friend signed me up for (read:paid the fees) for The Millionaires Club. Nothing at all against the service, as they were friendly, helpful, etc. You gave your info, which was put into a binder, and made a video of you for the opposite sex to view if they chose.

Pretty standard stuff.

In the 3 months that I availed myself of the service, I selected (as I recall) about 20 ladies…none responded. And not one time was I selected by any lady.
Being somewhat of a cynic, I decided to try an experiment. I took out my personal info (loose-leaf 3-ring binder) and made ONE change to my profile.

By that evening, I had been selected 5 times.

Anybody care to guess what I changed? You get one guess.

feh

15

Was it income Toaster52?

16

BINGO!!!
…and women will complain about we men being shallow-minded.

feh again

17

The local dating services I keep seeing ads for (particularly “It’s Just Lunch!”) seem to be aimed exclusively at, and priced for, rich people – excuse me, “professionals.” Nothing for the common man.

18

If you don’t mind me asking Toaster52 what was the new income amount that you input?

19

I think the online services can work, but only if you’re pragmatic in your approach, don’t forget that you can still meet people IRL, and don’t expect X responses because you spent Y dollars. Do your research on the sites before you fork over the money. A lot of them will give you some sort of free trial. At the least, you should be able to view ads without paying a fee.

All that said, I met the guy I dated for 8 months last year through a free ad I placed with no picture (hey, that’s the longest anyone’s put up with me to date!). I also met a few other cool guys through internet dating services. The cool, non-shallow types are out there, but you have to be willing to sift for the needles in the hay.

The truth of the matter is that these services are a women’s market, so if you’re a guy out in the trenches, dont expect huge responses. Rather, invest your time in writing a good ad that avoids all the trite cliches, add a good picture and bung it up. Don’t stop there though, write the the women who’s criteria you fit, and who you really find interesting. Send personalized 1-2 paragraph intros with unique subject lines that say WHY you were attracted to her ad, and WHY you think you’re a possible match. Believe me, she won’t receive many repsonses like this, so yours will stick out from the pack. Women with nice pictures up will receive tons of responses, and often be overwhelmed, but these responses are usually cut and past jobs from guys who’ve not bothered to read their ad text, etc.

20

I know two happy couples–very happily married couples–who met over the internet.

My cousin has been married for around 15 years, to a cool babe he met through a dating service. She’s seriously hard of hearing (lip reader), so the bar scene wouldn’t have worked for her. They have two kids, big suburban home, happy happy, etc.

I met my husband through a personal ad in the local “free press” newspaper. We’ve been happily married for 10 years.

That said, I spent several years trying some dating services. It’s better for women–there are many many more men. I have heard 5:1 or even 10:1 or worse. (men:women) So, the women can afford to be picky, I guess. My friends referred to the guys as my “geek of the week.” Truly, my biggest problems with these guys was that most hadn’t met women because they were completely obsessed with watching pro sports. (No problems with their looks or employment history, I mean)

The emphasis on “professional” is intended to mean (for women) this guy is employed and makes a nice living, and is minimally educated: and (for men) she isn’t in this just for your money. Don’t know if these are true of “professionals” but that’s how the companies push the concept. High prices are indeed intended to weed out “riffraff”.

As one geek-of-the-week (nice guy, but no click) said, “If you keep knocking on enough doors, EVENTUALLY you have got to have one answered by someone you really like.”

Good luck! Don’t give up!