i’m a sucker perhaps. some time ago my friends told me to just try it! you never know!. so i did. i put up my profile and picture on something called friendfinder.com. under soulsling of course. what else. so i did it. and i’m not sure what to really expect other than some wierd experience i’ll laugh at later on, but for now cause myself some humiliation. The one woman i’ve met through the internet, on our third date i found out she was married. not cool. so what should i expect, and what do you think about internet dating?
am i a total loser for this?
i can’t seem to meet a woman IRL otherwise, because everyone i meet in my area has hangups and walls around them higher than the buildings here.
is this actually cool? normal even? I just recieved a response from what seems an intelligent and sophisticated young woman in the area. I have these hope building up inside me that this might actually work, but i’m wondering if that’s just the mental patient in me or if i’m just a sucker waiting to get slammed again. confusing, i would never do this through the newspapers or a magazine, so why would this seem easier or more acceptable to me? i can’t answer my own questions, can you?
While I don’t have scads of experience I have delved into this area myself. What I have found is that what you find in local dating services is the same on the internet, just broader geographically. You still have the married women looking for a side-dick. You still have the 50 year olds trying to pass off as being 23. You have the basket cases with emotional rollercoaster personalities, the skeleton collectors, the perpetually lonely/depressed cat farmers, the heavy drinker/smoker with no morals, the divorcee with more ex’s than IQ points…
One other thing I’ve noticed in my vast (4) encounters that have gone from cyber service to real life. The ones that ramble on & on in e-mail are the quietest at the table in the restaurant.
Just my thoughts, hope it helps.
I have heard many people say it is crazy to meet IRL someone you first met on the internet and I cannot tell you how stupid this sounds to me. The people on the Net are real people.
What I think may not work so well is the idea of the personal ads and they have not worked well for me. I think it makes no difference whether they be online or on paper. I think you cannot approach the start of a relationship as if it were a job interview. Establishing human relationships takes time, lots of it. There is no way around that. Saying i want a girlfriend but don’t have the time to find her and build the relationship is like saying I want to be a rocket scientist but I don’t have the time or money to go to college. Well, you are not going to be a rocket scientist.
There is nothing wrong with personals per se but, as has been pointed out, there are just too many people there who are not what you want. The odds are against you.
>> everyone I meet in my area has hangups and walls around them
Well, it can be several things. Maybe you are not meeting enough people and you need to get out more and meet more people so you can meet the one that can make you happy.
Or maybe you are meeting the wrong people, in which case I think personals will not help as the cross section there is probably worse than average.
Or maybe you are meeting enough people but it is the general culture that you don’t quite like and what would satisfy you is a person from a different cultural background. You can meet and chat with people from around the world and develop good friendships. If it comes to a certain point, then you can travel to meet them.
I have lived in DC for the last 12 years and my experiences with women here have been less than impressive. I attribute this to several factors but they can all be attributed to American culture today.
For some years now I have maintained online relationships with several women in Asia and it has been very rewarding. Of course, if you are looking to get laid this next Saturday, this will not work for you. You also have to be open to other cultures. I have known these women now for some years and we chat and email regularly. I have travelled to Asia yearly for the last 4 years and met them. One of them already got married so she’s out of the pool but I can see where there’s a good chance I could marry one of the others some day.
What I specifically like about them is their happiness and satisfaction. They have so little and yet they are happy and will give you everything they have. They are a joy to be around and, of course, when it is my turn, I would do anything to make them happy.
My experience with American women is just very different. Maybe just bad luck but many of them just have too much baggage. They’ve been hearing all this about how men are the cause of all their problems and many have come to believe it… they go from one bad relationship to the next, always coming to the conclusion that it is the guy’s fault. I do not think it is their own individual fault but American culture today is quite messed up when it comes to personal relationships. It seems to me people in other countries have less in the way of material possesions but put more value on personal relationships.
I know it’s only two cents but I hope it helps.
sailor, you hit the nail on the head with that one. the “American” woman theme is pretty consistent in my life as far as just not being able to have any luck meeting one who is happy with what she has and who she is. The women i’ve met from other backgrounds were always wonderful. I attributed it mostly to just women in NY. but i suppose it’s all over, and the culture in the states doesn’t push self contentment, but a need to always be better or as good as what we see on TV. I have a pen pal in Brazil, and our relationship that way is great actually. I would travel to see her if i could afford it. (one of the reasons i’m moving to DC is so that i can afford to save money instead of living paycheck to paycheck.) My email-pen-pal in Israel is another wonderful relationship, we actually talk on the phone sometimes. I’m happy with these people as people, and enjoy our conversations and rapport, and the woman i’m considering meeting through the internet dating service i spoke of in my OP is from India originally. I’ve begun correspondence with her via e-mail, and i’m in no way expecting to fall in love or even jump in and get married right away, not even when i meet someone IRL. I get out plenty, and meet plenty of people, i’m just sick of so many of the women i am meeting out there. I suppose i’m just generalising what the internet dating thing is like, both from all the horror stories i’ve heard, and what i’ve been through. I would much prefer to meet someone and become fast friends rather than meet them and date right away. Is that actually possible you think? Last time i tried that, the girl asked me why i didn’t make a move on her yet. I explained that we’ve only known each other 3 weeks at that point, why would i? she was upset and refused to continue a relationship of any sort with me. very confusing. what is one to do?
If the results are like newspaper ad dates, they have worked for me. I’ve met lots of nice girls via the classifieds. The only real problem is that in a city this size they end up too far away to see often afterwards. Nobody yet close enough to just hang with or catch dinner after work. Has to be the weekends to make the travel time work out.
I just wish the ads had better area breakdowns, like they manage with housing listings.
The worst date was a real looker. We met at the county fair- most ad dates like public places. I thought she liked me, and she was snuggling on the ferris wheel, but then she started tying everything to her ex.
Finally she let out that her ex doesn’t know she’s seeing other guys yet and is the jelous type, but she was planning a “good time” to rub his nose in it. I couldn’t make excuses fast enough. Some trouble comes with flashing neon signs.
Internet relationships are the easiest ones of all to do.
I don’t think internet dating is any crazier than the newspaper personals. I just think it can be a colossal waste of time. Try it for awhile, but don’t depend it to find Ms. Right. I tried the personals about 7 years ago, and the one thing these guys had in common: we got along great on the phone - would yak for an hour or more, but then reality was a disappointment. We can all be charming, talkative, etc. when we’re hiding behind a phone or a computer, but face-to-face is another matter. One guy I enjoyed talking to immensely and was looking forward to the date. Well at dinner he clammed up. I had to keep initiating and carrying the conversation. The rest of the date didn’t go well either. Met one really nice guy who I continued to see for months, but there as no chemistry there for me, and when he got serious, I had to end it. I just grew tired of the whole thing and gave up on it. Maybe you’re trying to hard. I hope you’re getting out there and doing things because you like to do them, not to meet women. If you get involved (hobbies, out-doorsy stuff, work) you’ll meet women, and one day, out of the blue, Ms. Right. That’s what happened to me. I gave up on the personals, threw myself into my job (which I loved) and stopped worrying about dating or meeting the right guy. Then one day when I least expected it…there he was. (Met at work.) We’ve been together 5 years now.
I have never tried personals, because I am highly unconcerned with my unattached status, but in my experience, internet dating isn’t really a good idea. At least, getting serious before you meet IRL, anyway.
A few years ago, I met a great guy in an AOL forum devoted to RPing. We did some RPs together, and became pals. We IMed and chatted a lot. He’s a year older than me, we have a lot of similar interests, and he’s a super friend. Then he got more serious, and I was sort of dragged along, as I tried to convince myself that I felt the same way about him. When we finally did meet IRL (he lives in Illinois, I live in California), I realized that I had been fooling myself. I did love him, as a great friend, but nothing more. Telling him this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. We agree on a lot of superficial things, like TV shows and music and movies, but when it came to really important things, like religion and family, we never saw eye to eye - although I don’t think I saw this until afterwards. (I should have known when he said that he would have to baptize his children Catholic to please his parents - I’m Jewish, and NO WAY are my kids being baptized!) I know I hurt him a lot, and it was a long time before we could just be normal friends again. I’m happy to say that we are still pals, but it’ll never be like it was, and I regret this in the utmost.
I’m not saying love can’t be found on the internet, of course. Manny peoples on the SDMB can attest to this, and I’m extremely happy for them. However, I think that it’s a mistake to get deeply involved before meeting in person.
Internet dating is like pen pals. You find a lot of creeps and guys in prison are really into it, hoping to find someone rich and desperate. They probably keep dozens on the line at once, just playing the odds.
If I want a date I ask one of my brothers to set me up.
Their friends won’t try anything stupid, like getting pushy too soon, because they don’t want to be dumped among friends.
Or they just read your posts, Sangria, and find out what a looser you are.
Gee, so, how many dates HAVE you gotten? I mean, besides the guy opening the door and finding YOU standing there?
Anyone off this board want to date her? I know I wouldn’t even for a million dollars. I can smell her from here. She smells like troll.
I don’t know about personals, but there’s nothing wrong with OL dating.
I met my current BF in Yahoo! chat. We chatted, emailed, IMed and talked on the phone every day, sometimes for hours. We really connected. When we met in Las Vegas (He was from SoCal, I was in Utah) we instantly clicked. Our 2 year anniversary is coming up, and I love him more and more everyday. I never would have found him if it wasn’t for the internet. He moved to Utah to be with me shortly after we met in Vegas, and when I moved to CA, he moved with me.
It can work.
Starting a relationship is always tough no matter what way you meet the person. This can be hindered when you consider that the internet is global, and you are likely to meet someone who is, oh, 552 miles away, which makes it even harder.
Not that you can’t make a long distanbce relationship work. Some can, some can’t. But you have to factor in your tolerance for such things if you want to even try one. That said, you can meet people while traveling and still wind up in a long distance relationship, or someone can move away after you started dating, so the internet is not a monopoly on this by any means - it’s just more likely you will do some travelling to get to your object of desire.
Now, one thing I will say, and this is somewhat pathetic but true, is that the internet is a great way to meet people if you just want to get laid. I am not making any judgment calls here, so don’t do it against me. As long as you have two consenting adults and there is no deception going on, and they’re safe…
Now, getting together just to bump uglies can lead to relationships, or not. But to me there’s a difference right off the bat if this is your motivation…
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, two days, 13 hours, 36 minutes and 21 seconds.
3742 cigarettes not smoked, saving $467.83.
Life saved: 1 week, 5 days, 23 hours, 50 minutes.
soulsling about your last comment - I also tend to move from platonic to sexual relationship kinda slowly. At one point I learned that statistically, the average number of dates before sex is someting like 3. This really shocked me. I move way slower than that.
As far as ways to meet women, I never was much for the bar scene. During the time I lived in Chicago, I tried:
A) A dating service
B) The Internet
C) The Reader Personals
as ways to meet women. My experiences:
First off, I’ll agree with Satan that Internet dating seemed to have more of a get-laid no-frills air about it. Can’t say I understand why. I met either A) women looking for something “on the side” - unwilling to divulge much personal information (not suited to establishing long-term romances) or B) women desperate to meet a man, any man. A lot of the later were real head cases. Perhaps the semi-anonymity of the Web leads people to believe they can keep up “the game” even when they finally meet IRL. I dunno.
As for the dating service, A) most of the women there were obviously gold-digging. I mean, thirty seconds after you meet someone is a little quick to start asking how much money you make. I got a bunch of that. The only caveat about my dating service experiences is that during the time I tried it out, I was much shyer than I am now, and much more insecure, so I think I got “passed over” a lot.
The best dates I had in general came from Reader Matches (newspaper classifieds). Although I never met anyone who turned into a girlfriend, I also never experienced any real horror stories (I got enough info up front to be able to decide that certain women were Not For Me.)
I wonder if some of the results can be attributed to each method’s “barriers to entry”. EG, for the dating service, it cost a lot of money to join, so there was some self-selection towards people who were better off financially (or looking for those who were). For the Web, there’s almost no barrier, plus a lot of anonymity. You can establish some form of interaction before even knowing what the other person looks like, and that can go on for a while. Plus the Web’s worldwide range menas you can find partners who do not move in the same circles or live in the same area as you, leading to more anonymity. The whole point of the classifieds, though, was to meet someone IRL almost immediately. Less anonymity, but still low cost of entry.
Hope you found some of that rambling useful.
P.S. Ironically I met the woman who became my long-time SO at a friends wedding (totally meet-cute I know) and would never have run into her any other way. Plus at the time I wasn’t looking. Sorta got hit from behind. Life really is what happens when your making other plans, I guess.
My neighbor whos a woman met a lot of guys from one-and-only.com Didn’t like them though. I like that site, you can see all the ads for free. YOu have to pay to respond. But take note, they don’t delete the old ones very often, if at all.
I have never dated a woman I met on-line whom I didn’t have netsex with first before meeting her in real life.
Make of that what you will.
[quote]
(women)… they go from one bad relationship to the next, always coming to the conclusion that it is the guy’s fault. - sailor*
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- That’s a big NOOOOOOOO SHIT!!! , , , , The James Dean syndrome is alive and well.
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- And they always go back out, and find another of the exact same type of guy, and pretend that things will be different. While ignoring guys they get along fine with, because they just want to “be frends”. Yea, that all sounds kinda familiar, , ,
- I have found that they often start looking at me more after they get pregnant, but then I kinda see it as buying someone else’s troubles (especially when the guy they were totally, completely in love with can’t manage to hold down a job flipping burgers), and I don’t want kids right now [anybody’s!], so then I get to say “you’re a really nice girl and all, but I just want to be friends”.
Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas. - MC
alas, i lose again. so how much of a loser am i for getting stood up in cyber space? don’t tell me, i’ll just sulk in my little underground lair for a little while…
soulsling, if you want to meet women you have to get out from behind the computer as not too many women come inside your house and ask a guy out when he’s sitting at the computer…
There are lots of places to meet women…Im going back to college, gonna get me some of those young coeds. I went back a couple weeks ago to visit one class & Im sure I could have got a half dozen phone numbers if my other girlfriend wasn’t in the class.
Wait, how do you get stood up online? She blocks your IMs?
Anyway…I agree with Satan. Online dating can work. The hardest part of it, IMO, is hte distance factor.
i got stood up online because i was expecting a response to an email i sent her. she never responded. then i sent another email, and she still never responded, so that was stood up. i suppose i just don’t meet her qualifications for suitable guy.
handy, i get out plenty. I go to clubs, i do parties, i take Capoeira, go rock climbing, hiking, camping, take yoga, walk in the park, hit bars once in a while… its the place i’m convinced. this city… never have any luck here from what i hear from other guys as well. i don’t want to meet a woman in a bar 'cause i don’t drink, and i wouldn’t want to date a drinker, or a smoker, so that cuts off about half the city’s women. getting out isn’t the problem, it’s filtering out the weirdos, and actually meeting someone interested in being met by me.