I met someone online tonight, and she and I seemed to click in a lot of ways that are uncommon on the http://www. Anyway, before I get into anything to deep (wether romantic or just a freindly basis) I want to know what kinda experiences you guys may have had with interenet people. I know there are a lot of total creeps out there, so I wanna know what kinda signs to look out for, and when enough is enough…
Well, I met my wife on the net if that helps. We’ve been together for 5 years now, so it can happen.
However, we both lived in the same town, and that made it easy to get to know one-another. Had we lived in seperate cities, or to the extreme, countries, it would have failed most likely.
Why you ask?
Simply because when you cannot meet with a person live very often, your relationship never seems to progress past the “newness” stage. This is the stage where you avoid saying or doing a lot of things, because you’re afraid of scaring the other person away. I.e. You aren’t being yourself. The kind of closeness you need comes only after you get to know the person well (in person) and find out whether you two actually like one-another’s personality traits.
To really get to know someone takes time, and I feel that conversing on the net, or even on the phone can’t fully do it. The closeness that you need for success isn’t really there.
DOn’t get me wrong, though: It can happen, and it has a number of times. I just feel that if you are in a position where you are able to see each-other easily, then you have a better chance of making it last. Statistically, most long-distance relationships fail because of the inability for the parties to see one-other.
Hope this helps.
OK…here’s one thing I came up with early in mine and Fierra’s relationship.
Write a Word document that has questions - questions about everything. Divide it into sections. The first section contains questions like “what are your favorite foods”, what pets do you have and have had", “favorite authors”, etc. Also, things like “Describe a perfect evening.”, “What was the best vacation you ever had”, etc. This section should contain at least 30 or 40 questions, alphabetical by topic.
For the second section, ask more personal things. Such as “Describe your family”, “Describe your education”, “Tell me a typical day at work”, “Describe a typical weekend”, “What role (if any) does religion play in your life.”, “Abortion - thoughts”, etc. This should cover any things that are important in your life.
The final section, if your relationship is ready for it, should include the heavily personal and “naughty stuff” and the most personal stuff there is. Well-phrased questions like “What do you enjoy most about sex”, “What secret thing do like having done to you during sex”, and “What are your greatest fears in life”, “what must I never do to you”, “Describe your past relationships”, etc.
You should take suggestions from her, and then create two copies of the Word doc. E-mail one to her, and each of you type in your answers. Then when each is done, you encrypt the doc with a password, and mail it back. Then you get online together, exchange Doc passwords, and then read through them with each other. This way - there is no cheating. No one can look early at the other’s answers and consciously or subconsciously adjust their own.
We ended up with more than 20 pages of answers each (IIRC). I found that with my Lady Love, our answers agreed an astounding 95% or better. So I’m keepin’ her. 
Una
Excellent idea, just one question. What program did you use to enrypt it? I have no idea what would be appropriate…
There should be almost 1000 posts on this in IMHO, if you want to search.
Well, I meet the most wounderful man on the net,
actually on this board, if someone have missed that,
and it’s Montfort.
After 3 months of chatting, e-mailing and phonecalls we meet
each other for the first time.
He flyed all the way to Sweden to see me.
And here I am in US now for the second time seeing him.
I think I’m very lucky that is works too, since
I live in Sweden and he in The US,
quit a long distance, but that can’t stop us.
Take some time to get to know the person first.
Good luck.
You don’t need to encrypt it. Just set a password on the document in Word.
Good luck.
Look for inconsistancies in the facts volunteered, beware of hearing exactally what you want to hear. I have talked online to several people who were close to ideal until we met. Temper-contol problems don’t really manifest online and personal hygeine/dental issues won’t surface in conversation. Time together, and going into the relationship seeking reality will serve you well. My princessy behaviors are much less cute when Drachillix has to deal with them in a dating context, and my tendancy for analysis to paralysis isn’t something that comes up on the first few dates. And because he is always clean and appropriately dressed, I didn’t even suspect my hunnybunny’s aversion to laundry issues until fairly recently. Neither one of us is refusing to settle for less than perfection, so we’re okay, but we are choosing to work together toward what we both want-----a forever thing.
When do you bail? When you feel an uh-oh coming on that the other can’t/won’t work with you, or when your concerns don’t ellict a “let’s see what we can do” response.
I’m glad I answered his online ad.
Relationships whether on the Internet or in person,
is just that–a relationship.
When you respect and love others, they in turn tend
to mirror this love and respect unless they are of a
perverted nature. Their language of response will so
indicate what type of person they are.
It is your choice to continue with any relationship
or to move on and develop those that are fruitful and
add to your quality of life.
that was a very enlightening post…
welcome to the straight dope Harold 
When I met my fiance on the internet (3 years ago next month) we instantly clicked, because we had a common interest, The Beatles.
The entire summer we spent talking to each other. I was in Utah, he was in Southern CA, so the phone bill was kinda ugly. But it was OK, because the more I talked to him, the more comfortable I felt meeting him face to face. We met in Las Vegas that September, and have been basically inseperable ever since.
Now, I have another very close internet relationshp. Not a romance, but my net buddy is one of the closest friends I have ever had. Just because we talk and talk and talk.
So, in other words, just like any relationship, good honest communication is the key.
This is really more a MPSIMS thing. I’ll move it over there for you.
My last boyfriend I somewhat met online (well, I met him at Rocky Horror where everyone from a board I was on was at… we’d talked online previously, but… anyway, you don’t need to know all the details) We were together for 7 years, but it was a BAD relationship. I jumped in before really getting to know him, and then let my emotions cloud my judgement. I think if I’d taken the time to get to know him offline, having met him “normally”, I may not have allowed myself to get trapped.
Not the same kind of relationship, but I did meet one of my best friends online. Friends for 4 years, never met. Talked via e-mail, talked on the phone, but didn’t get a chance to meet until this past month. And we clicked when we met. It’s brought the friendship even closer than we’d imagined it could be. This is now someone that I cannot imagine living my life without.
So I’ve had both ends of the spectrum. I’d just reiterate what everyone else has said. Take the time to get to know them first, before you jump off into the deep waters. Could be psycho, could be soulmates. Just take the time to be sure which it is.
My best friend is someone I met about 8 years ago online.
I moved cross-country to be with someone I met online just recently. It didn’t work out. Would I do it again? Yes. Would I move cross-country to give it a try? No. So just know your limits, what you’re willing to do and not do to maintain a relationship with this person.
I met my current gf online. We both were online trivia addicts and both were playing in the same IRC channel(s). As fate would have it, not only did we live in the same city, but only about 4 blocks away from each other. We were both Fine Arts majors and we had a Russian class together (which we both dropped). Not only that, she was friends with my roommate, who assured me she was cuter than ‘the typical internet girl’. My only advice–be friends first. We fight constantly (10 months later)because we delved into a relationship too fast and weren’t good enough friends first. The only other problem is telling other people how you met. To save face, we tell people we met at a “Fans of Gary Coleman” convention while waiting in line to have him sign our ‘Whachu talkin’ about Willis’ t-shirts.
I’ve done the on-line thing twice (Well, I’ve met and dated a few others I met on-line, but they were in the area so the actual relationship wasn’t on-line) and neither time it worked out. The first time was one of those “Meet someone and talk until 6am when you have to leave for work and meet again the next night for the same thing, oh we really bonded” deals. It was great, it was wonderful. We met fleetingly when she had a lay over at O’Hare and it was still wonderful. I then flew out for a weekend to be with her (Chicago to Lincoln, Nebraska) and it was still wonderful, but soon after getting home, it sort of petered out. Once the endorphins died down, we both realized that ultimately, this was going to be more work than we really wanted at the time. Add to that, she was in college and I didn’t really want the worries of what she was up to and she wasn’t sure she wanted the restrictions on her life on behalf of someone a thousand miles away. We mutually ended it on a fairly good note which was probably the best possible outcome.
Second time was more of a slow process. We had been talking for ages and finally met. She became pregnant (which was a fiasco in itself) and moved up here to live with me since I had the better job. Immediately, she went into a depression about not being at home, flitted through a couple of jobs, pushed our son off onto his grandparents because we couldn’t afford to keep him up here, stopped working altogether and just slept all day and did the internet all night and complained about not having any money for her bills (here’s a hint - get a job) while I was saddled with rent, utilities, food, my own bills, etc. After the first year, I asked her to stay, thinking we could work things out. Halfway through the second, I was happy to see her go. Went and got a lawyer and got physical joint custody of our son and am happier with him than I was with the three of us. There were a lot of circumstances to the story but if I knew even a tenth then of what I know now, there’s no way it would have happened. Needless to say, I hadn’t expected the above to happen when we moved in together, but that’s the sort of chance you take.
Currently, I’m seeing no one and that’s fine with me. I’m making it a point that my next relationship be local. For the effort both types of relationships take, I want someone I can see and have dinner with and enjoy in person instead of through a screen. Of course, I make lots of promises to myself that don’t pan out…
Oh, one other point. On-line romances tend to move along at an alarming pace which can be a problem in of itself. When you meet someone the “normal” way, you learn about their Aunt Betty while sitting across from them at the local IHOP and get a chance to see how they interact with the waitress, if they slurp their coffee, what sort of tip they leave, what-have-you. In other words, you get to observe a bunch of stuff that’s probably important in making a decision on what sort of relationship you want to have with this person.
Over the computer, you’re not afforded this luxury. You start the night talking about your Aunt Betty and then, because you don’t have food to order or coffee to slurp, you’re pushed into the next tidbit about your life in order to keep the conversation moving. Before long, you’ve told ther person all the normal stuff about you and maybe about your ex-boyfriend who used to cheat on you or how you french kissed your cousin at your 8th grade graduation party and by the end of the evening, you feel like you’ve really shared with this person you still don’t know. Two weeks later, you’ve gone through about three months of “real life” confession and bonding time over the computer and you think you’re in love and this is the one for you. But you’re still running a deficit of three months of real life experience with the person based on how much talking you’ve done. And depending on the person and how lucky you are, when you do meet them, that can really show.
My point is that internet relationships tend to grow at a vastly accelerated pace in one aspect and remain stunted in the others. Like a plant where the leaves and branches outgrow the roots, there’s an excellent chance it’ll suffer greatly for it. I’m not sure how to keep it slow and let it happen at a moderated pace; but if I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about internet relationships
Some of the more common warning signs of Internet relationships that could possibly go awry . . .
[ul]
[li] Your friend mentions something about “DOS” and “batch files”[/li][li] Your meet your friend after a few months, and note his/her rather short thin frame, large grey head, and two distinct large obsidian-like eyes. He/she greets you with “Klaatu baratu Nikto”[/li][li] Your friend invites you to his/her “yacht on the bay” only to learn it’s more like a canoe in the pond at the end of the block.[/li][li] You decide to trade naughty pictures, and discover stickfigures drawn by Microsoft Paint in your inbox.[/li][li] Your mate speaks only in that screechy modem-sqawk language in person.[/li][li] Your mate’s photo looks strangely like the one you saw in the Post Office on the bulletin board.[/li][li] Your friend’s online name is ANGLE and she asks you how old you are and what you are wearing.[/li][/ul]
Tripler
God bless ya, Wally!
This is so true! I had an internet relationship which lasted six months before we actually met. I thought things were wonderful. It just seemed so right. We did the Q and A thing, we shared stories, embarrassing parts about our life, talked about what we wanted in a relationship, whether it was marriage, kids, white picket fence and all that. And we clicked.
After six months of this, we met. I had butterflies the size of albatrosses in my stomach, and we had decided to go somewhere neutral. We met up at a coffee shop in town. I was terribly disappointed. Terribly. All the things we had discussed OL was just gone. All he could talk about was how rich he was and how he’d made a fortune in computers. We talked about our favorite coffee houses and I mentioned a funky little place where I knew almost everyone, and artists would show up and have drawing contests. He told me about a bar at the Singapore (or was it Hong Kong?) Hilton. He’s been so impressed with the service he’d decided to give a $100 tip.
I don’t know. He bugged me. You know how the little things can bother you to pieces sometimes? He was slightly hearing impared (and, no, I’m not prejudiced, my cousin is deaf and I’m trying to learn sign language) and the way he cupped his hand behind his ear just drove me crazy.
So we finished our coffee (the feeling was mutual, thank God) left and that was the end of that. He never wrote or IM again, and neither did I.
The moral of the story is, no matter how much you click in theory, it doesn’t mean squat if you don’t connect in person. That said, I do think it’s a great way of meeting people. Some really do hit it off and I’m really happy for them. I just didn’t have that experience.
One of my best friends is someone I’ve never met in real life, ever, and probably won’t for a long time. He reads far more of my mind than is fair. Other than him…
Online I have met a couple of the most fucked-up, misrepresenting people humanly possible. I have met people who are all talk and no action…all action and no talk…oy. I have turned formerly straight men gay, and formerly swinging people monogamous. I have been propositioned by the dregs and studiously ignored by the fascinating.
I met my husband online, but that was in the bad ol’ days of BBSing, and not what I think the OP had in mind.
I have tried to become friends with people who have either stopped answering or never answered my emails.
I have never been sought out for friendship by anyone. I have never had email show up in my box telling me how fascinating I am and that anyone would like to know me better. I’ve gotten a lot of bullshit “fuck me” mail, which I have now learned to studiously ignore because the people who write it invariably end up being less than they say they are and pissing me off.
Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder the size of the Death Star. People just keep shoving hunks of wood up there and I keep letting 'em.
Quite honestly the popular, well-liked, often-emailed people on here who bitch about how unlikeable they are can kiss my ass.
So I guess the answer is: there’s plusses and there’s minuses, but apparently the most you bitch about being unliked, the more people are gonna like you. I should be prom queen by the time I hit “submit.”
Yeah, ok, so I’m cranky.
For some people, the internet is the end-all be-all, and gets them far more social interaction than they would normally get. More power to you, if you can. Me, the internet just makes it so instead of having barely any goddamned friends, I only have almost no goddamned friends. Or vice-versa. I’m not sure which.