I'm taken!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

That’s right… I now have a boyfriend. Why am I starting a thread to tell you about this? I was hoping you could tell me what tips are involved in making a long-distance relationship work, and thrive.

I met him on another site (which I won’t link to here!), and he lives in Memphis. For some reason, I felt a connection with him… although not as strong as the one he professes to feel for me. Eh… I suppose it’ll come in time.

I know there’s work involved in these things, and I never thought I’d be involved in one of them meself… but who can deny a connection when it is felt between two people? Certainly not me! (although I should note that nobody in real life knows about it yet)

Heck, this is my first relationship of any kind… let alone online! I’m a bit nervous and scared, though he understands that I have doubts. Things seem to be going okay for now, though.

Once again, I’ve written more than I intended to… so any tips / words of wisdom / other thoughts? Share your experiences, maybe? Anything constructive would be appreicated… much thanks!

(if I put “anything,” this bunch would run riot with it :stuck_out_tongue: )

5000 and counting…

F_X

2

I would just like to say that I knew about this before this thread was posted. :slight_smile:

And Flami, it’s normal to be scared and nervous. If you feel a connection, these things will vanish (or at least not become bothersome) with time.

I’m happy for you; best of luck to you!

3

Yes, you did, JimSox5… that’s because you’re special. :slight_smile:

Thanks for the advice… I do indeed feel that connection. Hey, thanks for the luck… I have a feeling we’re both going to need it!

4

I’ve been in four online relationships and all failed. I never got to meet one of them despite having every intention to do.

Just keep in mind that even offline relationships take a lot of work and that online, it’s even harder. Don’t put too much faith in this… I hope it works and you two become the greatest of friends… just try to be cautious.
Congratulations, by the way.

5

Awww Flamster dear… I am in the same boat as you. I fell for a wonderful woman, who I met on here, and I can’t imagine life without her. :slight_smile: I am moving 3000 miles, come this October, and looking forward to it.

Tips to make it work? Talk to him! IM or phone or however you can. The more you talk, the better you will know how he (and you) will react. Get together… in person… physical. Talk about things you’d like to do together, and then get together and DO them.

About who should move where… I am moving because I am the least affected person in my relationship. She has a great job… and two kids… and lives in a paradise… compared to cold, sucky, PA, no kids, no REAL ties… I look forward to moving to be with my sweet Maureen.

6

I’m with if6was9 on this - the long-distance part is a pain in the ass, but it’s all worth it if you’ve found the right partner. As he said, keep talking to your guy and see where it goes.

Best wishes!

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I met my current husband online, and it’s hard to get much more long distance than our relationship is at the moment. When we met, he lived in South Africa - I’ve been there a few times now to see him, the last time being this past February. After I left he got a great job offer in Egypt, so that’s where he is now.

It works for us, but it’s not easy. My view of what’s important in a long-distance relationship:

Trust. It’s hard to put all of your faith into someone you haven’t met; it’s hard to maintain that faith even after you’ve met when you’re never with them. It’s especially hard if self-esteem is at all an issue. But trust is the first and foremost important thing that you’ll need to succeed.

Patience. It’s hard. When things go crappy, and you just need a hug, it’s hard to know you can’t get one. It’s hard to go to bed alone every night, away from the one you love. It’s easy to get frustrated, and resentful of the situation, and to lose sight of the things you love about your far-away person, and see only the fact that they’re not there physically when you need them.

Did I mention trust?

Devotion. You have to be committed to it. You have to want it; you have to know that this is someone you care about, and that you’re not with them only because they’re there. If there’s a danger that you could be whisked away by someone who lives in the same town, then think long and hard about whether you want yourself or your partner to put as much emotional investment into a relationship that takes this much effort.

Oh, and trust.

It may seem strange for this to be last on the list but… Love. You gotta love the person. One of the most eye-opening self-realizations I ever had about myself was I tend to fall “in love” with people for one very wrong reason: they felt that way about me. If someone shows an interest in me, immediately I think I’m in love. Well, at least, I used to be that way.

It can work - it works for me. We’ve been together 2 years now, and married for 1. The plan is that he will finish out his contract in Egypt and come to the US next year. That’s one more year of waiting, which won’t be easy, but we’ve got the right ingredients to make it happen.

Oh and just for a quick background: I met him in a chat room, chatted with him for months before it ever turned at all romantic. In February of last year, I flew to South Africa, and arrived on Friday - Valentine’s Day. The following Monday, we were married in a small civil ceremony. The Monday after that, I flew back. So, I married him 3 days after actually “meeting” him for the first time. Obviously, it won’t always work out like that.

Oh.

And trust.

8

By Flammie:* “Heck, this is my first relationship of any kind… let alone online!”*

It concerns me that your “first boyfriend” is an on-line relationship. Make an effort to meet face-to-face as soon as possible. There’s no substitute for the real thing.

I’m not trying to be negative here, just hope you soon feel the warm touch of a live, loving hand. That touch sure beats electronic images.

Good luck!

9

Hey, at least you’re in the same countr…
pokes around for information on Flamsterette_X
…um…
At least you’re on the same continent!

One of the most important pieces of information that I’ve discovered during my long distance relationship with a Canadian is the fact that with a national calling plan from AT&T, you can make it so that you get unlimited night and weekend minutes to call Canada. (Information on that here, though it looks like you can’t sign up for it easily online at the moment… hope that doesn’t mean they’re getting rid of it!) If you don’t go the cell phone route, get cheap calling cards.

10

You’re in a committed relationship with someone who you’ve never met in real life?

That just seems beyond bizzare to me.

But hey if it makes you happy…

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Have you seen pictures of each other? Talked on the phone? How old are each of you, if you don’t mind me asking?

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Congrats Flammie. Let me add my bit.
I had similar questions to you a number of months back and was asking some of the same questions.

Eight months and two international trips later things are looking very good indeed. It looks like this will be a permanent match, and a first for both of us.

What do we do to cope? Lot’s of phone time. It costs about the same as a movie together once or twice a week. But at the moment, our time together is phone time. That’s how we have gotten to know one another.
We send lots of stuff via snail mail and reasonably regular emails. Lots of photos sent. Cards, gifts and that kind of stuff.

Meeting IRL certainly does put wheels on the relationship, but if you are talking about the deeper things and not just gushing, then it is possible to be reasonably confident about the solidness of your relationship before you meet. I don’t think you should take a lot of notice of those expressing skepticism about meeting online. There is still a stigma attached. It is however how many people meet these days. Many places in the world have communities that are not as tight-knit or social as they once were and friendships often form in new and different ways.

Some advice
[ul][li]Make sure you know whatyou want. Write it down. That’s so that you can check that you are actually in love with the person you have met and not some image you have created in your mind.[/li][li]Email chat and phone communication can easily be deceiving – not intentionally necessarily, but because so much of our communication is through tone and body language. For this reason you need to be careful to prioritise clear communication and to run regular checks on your own expectations, fantasies, and to check that you are actually meaning the same thing when you speak.Use snail mail. It gives you something to hold.[/li][li]Ask the tough questions. They will let you both know where you are at. And if the relationship is one that is going to last, then it will be robust enough to handle bigger issues.[/li][li]In a long-distance relationship you find out about one another in a different order from other relationships. Just be aware of that. Sometimes it will feel a bit different or odd, but that may just be because of this different dynamic. Work out ways to use this to your advantage. LD relationships give you plenty of opportunity to get creative in a way that you wouldn’t if you were able to just drive around the corner to meet up.[/li][/ul]
Congratulations again, and have lots of fun. You will find heaps of people on the SDMB who have done it and made it work.

j_sum1

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You two need to get Web cams! And do naughty things in front of them!

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Speaking only for myself, I have no problem with meeting someone online, and I don’t attach a stigma to meeting that way. It’s what comes after the meeting that’s problematic. So much is missing from an exclusively online relationship.

Where’s the joy of holding hands through a movie? Riding a bus together and sharing comments about the other passengers and the scenery? Can you notice a small scar on the girl’s hand, ask about it and get a funny story online? No, because you’ll never see the scar.

Look at it this way: You can Google on skydiving and read about it, or you can put a parachute on and go jump from an airplane. Which do you think is going to be the richer experience?

I’m simply concerned that Flamsterette_x will miss out on much that she should be gaining from being in a caring relationship. Our Flammie is young and this is her first boyfriend. The world should be opening for her in a burst of bright spring colors. All five senses should be involved. Electronic symbols on a computer screen can’t replace the scent of his after-shave.

Again, Flammie, I’m not being negative. I just hope you get to spend some IRL time with your lucky young man.

15

Thanks for the great advice, guys… I really appreciate it, and have saved it somewhere private to look back on. :slight_smile:

You seem to really be wise in this sort of thing… email me when you have a chance. (it’s in my profile) I’d like to know more, perhaps… or just to know I’m not alone! Seems crazy… but I’d really like advice on how to handle certain things if / when they come up.

John Carter: You’re not being negative, just practical. No worries there. :slight_smile:

Cisco: We’ve seen pictures of each other, haven’t talked on the phone yet (although we do have each other’s numbers in case that happens in the near future), and we’re both 27. :slight_smile:

SHAKES: When it comes to this sort of thing, it’s better to think of yourself as committed… no cheating. :stuck_out_tongue:

j_sum1 and TellMeI’mNotCrazy: Thanks for the detailed advice… I’m sure I’ll be needing it in future. In fact, I plan to mail him a birthday card soon… so that’ll be the first use of snail mail, I think. I also talk to him a lot, and we’ve weathered one issue already… with more to come, I’m sure.

Snooooopy: HAHAHAHA… that’s what I expected from you!

F_X

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Another thing I meant to mention is that Yahoo (or MSN, but I prefer Yahoo) voice chat is a great way to have long conversations for free. My husband and I used to spend literally hours every day talking - and it didn’t cost anything aside from 20 bucks for a headset. Compared to the phone bills we’d have racked up if we spoke that much on the phone, 20 dollars was a mere pittance :wink: I think actually speaking is really important, because in a spoken conversation, there’s not time to carefully “craft” an answer like there is when you’re simply typing. That, and the sound of someone dear to you laughing is always a very good thing :slight_smile:

17

Eerie similarities… I met my sweetie online (though not through the SDMB) and moved to be with her. She had (and still has) the good job, the kids, the church support network, etc. I lived in Northeast Ohio, so I only had to head a few hundred miles west, and I’ll have been a Hoosier for three years as of May 16, 2004. Sure, there’ve been problems (her ex-husband took part of the family land and built a house on it, one reason I took an apartment rather than moving in with her right away, and why she’s in the process of relocating to a different neighborhood). Nevertheless, she and I are definitely recognized as a couple by those people who’ve met both of us.

A big SECOND to that motion! She and I exchanged long e-mails for a few months, then advanced in turn to IM and telephone. For our first in-person “date”, we went to Michigan for a weekend centered around a basketball game (mutual interest), and booked a two-bedroom hotel suite just in case there was no face-to-face spark. Whether we needed both beds will be left as an exercise for the reader’s imagination… :wink:

Good luck to you, if6was9 and Maureen, and also to Flami and so-far-unnamed boyfriend. A long-distance on-line relationship can indeed develop into something far more intimate, in several senses of the word. As long as you each consider yourself the luckier partner, you should weather the storms!

18

See? I’m special! So says Flami, and that’s good enough for me. Make sure you let us know if you show this guy to these boards.

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Thanks, love, I think you’re pretty special, too. :slight_smile:

YES! Talk about everything. And, if you find things you disagree on, and you will, talk about those things in detail, to avoid misunderstandings later. It may very well be he has a good reason for having voted for a putz in the last election. Hey, it’s forgiveable. :smiley: Try to get a good deal on a cell phone contract. Make sure it’s with the same company as his, that way you get the unlimited mobile to mobile minutes. $380 for one month is not a fun surprise. Even if it’s well worth those morning wake up calls. No, I don’t think I’ll elaborate on those. I second what Snoooopy said…get a webcam. Talking on IM and on the cell every day isn’t the same as being able to see your sweetie. That seems to help, because it certainly does get old, being 3,000 miles away.

Finally, one of the most important things, once you do decide you want to be this person, is patience. *6 and I take turns being patient. It isn’t always easy, but if it’s right, it’s worth it. Just like any relationship, long distance or otherwise. I hope you find as much happiness as I have.

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And thanks, Sternvogel, right back at ya!