i am curious as to peoples’ opinions on the matter. Is it wrong? should people you don’t “properly” know be trusted? If you feel you love someone enough you want to marry them but you dont know how your parents will react…should you go ahead? I’m not asking for answers I would just like some opinions if you’d be so kind enough;)
Assuming you have never actually met this person then I have to say to marry them would be insane. I am all for using the internet as a method of meeting new people. Ive met many people in person through the internet and have had some really good dates using this method. The one thing both people must keep in mind is theres a limit to the relationship until there is a meeting. To use it
(internet) as a means to meet a girl is completely helpful. I have had things get pretty serious before meeting a girl but we both acknowledge the fact that we cant make any serious relationship determinations before we actually meet. After you meet this girl and everythings perfect then make some decisions…but for gods sake, meet her first man!
To marry someone you haven’t met is utterly nuts.
MEETING someone through the Internet? Fine idea. But don’t pretend you know someone enough to marry them without meeting them, 'cause you don’t. People really are different in person.
Meeting people on the internet isn’t really any different than meeting people off the computer. You take the same risk that the other person is a complete nutjob in either environment. The great advantage to the internet over other social gatherings is that who you meet isnt confined by geography, but that obviously brings with it its own costs.
I met my wife in a chat room five years ago and our marriage is still going strong. I knew her for several months before we met, and after a few phone calls and a magical weekend, I proposed. We lived in separate states and we toughed it out for a year while I saved some money and wrapped up my dismal life to be with her.
During this time, I saw other couples heading the same direction. Those that got engaged without meeting ended in disaster shortly afterwards.
I made the decision to be honest with my family and friends about who I was marrying and where I met her. I don’t know if perceptions have changed any, but people thought I was crazy for what I was doing and I had to endure a lot of unspoken criticism throughout the whole process.
Best advice I can give: treat the person you meet online with the exact same amount of respect as you would in person, and don’t jump the gun. Make sure you spend a lot of time talking on the phone, and make commitments in person, not online. And whatever you do, DON’T rush into anything.
Cy
First I would like to say that I think we (my hubby and I are the exception).
We met on a website (not a dating site, something similar to this, open discussion forum). We really hit it off. Held the same views, beliefs and morals. We inspired one another. We ended up Im-ing eachother for hours upon hours every night. Well, he eventually told me he wanted to marry me, even before he saw my picture. We then exchanged pictures and that pretty much confirmed everything. We had to meet. Keep in mind that I was only 20 years old at the time and he was 32. I was living at home with my parents. He lived in San Diego, CA and I lived in Alberta, Canada. After a few months of talking on-line he bought me a ticket to come down to S.D. to visit for 4 days. I told my parents that I had some friends down here I was going to visit. I didn’t tell a soul. We had the most incredable 4 days of our lives. I returned home for a week to pack my stuff and get ready. I did not tell anyone. Not even my parents. If I had of told them I was moving to San Diego to meet some guy I met over the internet that was 12 years older than me they would have freaked. There was no way in hell they would have let me get on that plane. So I packed my bags small and bought a return ticket so they would not know that I had planned for no return. Well a week after I arrived we got married and have been married for nearly 3 years. We are still on our honeymoon and very much in love. He is my best friend. I am glad that I got to know him and his thoughts and mind before anything else. I just got lucky, he’s gorgeous and lives in one of the most beautiful places in the world. As for my parents, well I called a month after we wed and informed them of what was going on. My parents were on the first flight down here to make sure I was ok. They cried and I cried. It has been nearly 3 years and they are just finally getting comfortable with my choices. I left everything behind, my family with who I am very close with, my friends, my city and country. My whole life was left behind. But I was able to re-invent myself and be who I always wanted to be, more honest and truthful to myself and others. Noone knew me and I knew noone. I wouldn’t change a thing for the world. I am a successful business women now and living the life of my dreams with the most wonderful man in the world. And I am only 23. WOW.
My advice to you is just take the time getting to know him on-line first, and I am talking months. If it is ment to be he will wait until you are comfortable. More importantly, trust your intuition, it could save your life.
Good Luck.
Oh ya, my parents absolutly FREAKED out. Sure it was embarassing, especially when my dad told my hubby he had hit men in L.A. and then got on the first plane down here. And it has taken this long for them to get over it. They visit twice a year and I visit them twice a year. My parents and I have a great relationship still. We talk everyday on the phone and send pictures back and forth. I feel horrible about going about it the way I did but I knew he would change my life and this was something I had to do. I trusted my intuition.
My mom was cool with it but my grandmother was embarassed. “Just tell them you met at school,” she’d say.
We sort of knew before we ever met in person that we were going to get married but the question wasn’t popped until about 3 months after we met for the first time IRL. I don’t think it’s a good idea to agree to marry someone you’ve never oh, hugged.
I’ve had several satisfying relationships with women I’ve seen on the internet. Each encounter usually only lasted 30 minutes, or until the wife came downstairs and caught me…
Here’s a little personal story… My spouse and I “met” through the Australian Big Brother Forums a few years ago. At first we simply enjoyed each others’ posts. After a few weeks, we used to voice chat through Yahoo. Over the next few months, both of us (unbeknown to the other), were starting to always look for each other online, and would then Yahoo chat all through the evenings until dawn.
It wasn’t long until I realised I was really starting to have deeper feelings for this man that I’d never met. He too, was developing those same feelings toward me.
We went through the normal communication process of forum posting, to voice chatting, to private emails to eventually daily private telephone conversations, which lasted anywhere from 3 hours up to most times 8 or 9 hours, constantly talking. We swapped photos of each other, and then began sending photos of family members, pets, cars, friends… everything that was a part of our personal lives, we shared with each other.
We were both in extremely unhappy marriages at this time, and had been for several years. I suppose we sought solace in the fact that we could both so relate to what the other was going through. We became incredibly close and realised just how much we had in common. Yes, after about 6 months the inevitable happened. We both realised we had actually fallen in love with each other.
Once having come to that realisation, it became increasingly difficult to not want more from our “on-line” relationship. We both lived in different States - over 12 or 13 hour’s drive away. So distance was definately an issue. Anyway, eventually he drove over to meet me face to face. That was probably one of THE most amazing experiences in my life. To finally run into the arms of the man I loved beyond measure, was something that words cannot simply describe. Anyway, he stayed over in my State for a few days, and we saw each other as much as was possible.
After he had to leave to go back to his home-state, it was only another 4 or 5 weeks and he drove back again, this time staying for 2 weeks. We had missed each other terribly. In the meantime, my husband had left the family home, and my “internet love” and his wife had separated.
It caused a great deal of upset to all the friends and family concerned on all sides. People’s attitudes towards the fact that we had gotten to know each other via the internet, made them all extremely suspicious as to what sort of person this guy was! Likewise, his friends thought I must have been some kind of freak, who couldn’t socialise with people face to face. Nothing could be more further than the truth!
Anyway, early 2003 he made the huge break of quitting his job, leaving his home, family and friends to come and be with me permanently. Neither of us have NEVER had such happiness in our lives before.
I believe if you communicate openly and honestly over the net, it is far better than even getting to know someone face to face right from the start. Commencing a relationship face to face, does tend to involve other barriers, such as initially being guided by physical appearances, let alone physical contact. Via the net, there is only one form of communicating. It takes a great deal of thought to really get across what you are trying to say, when you are merely limited by the written word. One has to not only really think about expressing themselves correctly, but also how what you have typed may be interpreted by the other person.
Communication is paramount if getting to know someone via the net, alongside total honesty. (May I also add, those things are equally important in real life, too)
As far as setting your sights on marriage, I think, as in any relationship… one step at a time. We have discussed getting married. I know we will, but there is no break-neck rush to have to do so.
In summary, I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with on-line relationships, as long as both parties are totally honest about themselves and their feelings, morals and general outlook on life.
Anyway, no doubt I’ve rambled on too long, hope I haven’t bored you too much :o
I can’t really condone a set of actions like those of Stomp. I’d really suggest that someone be met before a marriage is proposed; anything else is (generally!) a recipe for disaster. I did meet my own girlfriend online, but nothing was serious until we had met several times. Heck, it took a good long time after that for anything to get serious. And it worked very well - we’ve dated for four years now.
(Now, I do admit to a bit of contra-parental duplicity about the matter. I was eighteen; Colleen was 23. How was I to tell my mother that this woman was driving an hour and a half to see her little boy? “Uhh, I’m going out for a few hours …” “Who with?” “Uh.”)
I always do everything backwards…
I met the guy I am dating in real life (he was attending a local college)…at the time, we were just friends, and he has since moved away. We’ve stayed in touch through the internet, and have gotten very close since he left. He’s supposed to be coming back up here to see me soon huge grin
that’s gotta be my dream. You’re life…all the things you’ve just told me…it’s my dream plan of my future.
And I don’t intend to marry him just “like that”. I want to take it slowly and get to know him in person well enough. I don’t intend to rush into anything.
I’m far from bored! It was very interesting to read what you said and thankyou for sharing it with me as I agree with alot of what you stated:) that it can be better and more demanding to have a relationship over the internet…regarding written words and how they are presented. I think I have a better understanding of him than I ever could have if we had just met face to face.
thankyou everyone for your comments. It is much appreciated:D
Actually that’s fascinating. What always struck me as strange about online relationships is the absence of physical contact. Now people don’t like to admit it but every romantic relationship is founded on a good chunk of lust. You look at your future partner and it’s different to looking at Sally in accounts (even though Sally may be far more attractive than your FP). It’s some really cool visceral thing - click, whack in the head with a frozen fish, can’t eat for 3 days.
What your post is telling me is that things are more involved than that. There are other avenues to feel the same thing. Maybe I’ll have to go back to basics - Rollo May Love and Will.
So thanks for the perspective.
For what it’s worth, I found Stomp’s account to be very unsettling and not a “success” story, despite the way it was presented.
WENDYRULES- I know what you mean about meeting for the first time. When I got off the plane to see him for the first time my heart was beating so fast, I was sweating, nervous. I ran over to him and grabbed his hands, they were so sweaty. I guess he was as nervous and excited as I. I will never forget that moment. It gives me butterflies everytime I think about it. I also know what you mean about the importance of communication. It was diffucult at times to convey your thoughts through written words and being careful so that they were taken the wrong way. We actually use those communication skills everyday here at home. I think your advice was right on.
For everybody else- We corresponded for 6 months before we actually met face to face. Like Wendyrules, we started with our messages, then IM-ing and then e-mails then phone calls that sometimes lasted 8 hours or so. We are both very spontaneous so when he asked me to marry him after 5-6 months or so it didn’t surprise me and I was thrilled. All we had to do now was meet face to face. We both knew that sooner or later we would get married so why wait? I don’t reccomend jumping the gun like we did, as I said earlier I think we are the exception and not the rule. On another note, at immigration they searched my bags and questioned the things I was bringing down here with me so they knew something was up. They issued my an I-195 that stated if I didn’t return to the country within 15 days I would be arrested and deported. Neither of us were going to let that happen. So, I guess that was also a factor in us getting married so fast.
Sometimes I think I wish I could have done things differently. Like informing my family and having them fly down for the wedding but at the time it was not an option. He wanted to ask for my fathers permission but I wouldn’t let him because my father would have said no.
Wether or not you find my story to be a succes, I really don’t care. I am the happiest women in the world and frankly I wouldn’t care if everyone in world dissappeared and it were only my husband and I.
My wife and I met online. We were both in our 40s at the time (i.e. no gooey-eyed 20-somethings) and we took our time getting to know each other. After about a year, we were both keen to meet IRL and see where things went from there. Six months later, we were married. We just celebrated our seventh Christmas as a married couple. I couldn’t be happier and she tells me the same thing. So is it a good idea to meet people online? Sure. Is it a good idea to take things one step at a time and not be in too much of a rush? Absolutely.
Good luck.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with meeting people over the Internet, as long as you’re level-headed about it and maintain your own safety (both physical and emotional). I don’t understand why some people think there’s something wrong with meeting a person over the web as opposed to, say, meeting him/her in church or in a bar.
But I don’t think the Internet is a justification or excuse to act in some way that it would not be okay for you to act otherwise. Without making overt moral judgements on anyone else’s choices, I will say that if in your world it is not okay to worry and deceive your family, or cheat on your spouse, with some person you met IRL, then it should not be any more acceptable to do those things with a person you met on the 'net.
Thanks for your comments. I’m glad I wasn’t perceived as raving on! Anyway, I must say that I too, feel that because of the circumstances of our relationship, I sincerely DO believe that my partner and I have a deeper understanding of each other also.
Stomp, I agree 100% with your comments about meeting IRL for the first time. Although I must admit, for some reason, I wasn’t nervous! Just incredibly excited.
The way we first met face to face was amazing. As he was driving closer to my house, he would text message me on my cellphone - just saying 45 k’s (“k’s” meaning kilometres). That was how far away he was from my house… then I received another message 20… then another one 5… and then at 1.03am I received a message that simply said “0”. It was at that point that I heard a car idling out the front of my home and saw the headlights shining down the street. I knew instantly it was him! I just dashed through the house, ran down my driveway, through the gates and straight across the road and into his arms. As I said in my previous post, there are just NO words that could ever describe that feeling! We should stood there holding each other for what seemed like an eternity. That incredible experience will never leave me.
I honestly do believe that relationships that are struck up over the internet do progress at a deeper level that those that are started in the conventional way.
The only thing I must say, that I do tend to find a little sad, is perhaps that the internet is potentially responsible for so many failed relationships in real life. Particularly if one partner is not computer literate. Becoming involved in internet communications can seriously damage relationships… it can potentially drive a huge wedge between couples. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Whilst one may think that communicating in forums etc is “sociable”, in real life the person sitting at the computer typing away to people all over the world, are in fact ignoring the people that are around them.
I don’t know about everyone else, but I was a culprit of spending endless hours “chatting” to people online (almost an addicition, if I can say so myself!). It can alienate you from your loved ones, if you allow it.
Anyway, I seem to have digressed a little! I am so pleased to hear that people who have met online are having successful and happy relationships, as I most certainly am! Good luck to all of you!
I met my current boyfriend on some message boards kinda like these and it only took us a few weeks of IMing before we met… It was really nice and I enjoyed being with him right from the start as he made me laugh lots… Kind of ironically I bumped into him by accident twice in the following week (advantage of living on a small island) and we blossomed from there, meeting up for lunch etc… Marriage isn’t likely to be on the cards anytime soon but he has totally turned my life around and I don’t think I could bear to be without him now and I’m glad we met quickly.