How should I tell my parents about my internet relationship?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Greetings Dopers,
I lack an adult in my life, other than my parents, who I can confide in/question, and since I’ve noticed this is quite a mature board I’m hoping to gain some advice and additional perspective on my current situation.

I’m an older teenager (I’ld prefer not to share my exact age unless its entirely relevant) and am in an internet relationship. We’ve been together for over a year and, of course, I knew him before then too. I know there’s risks with such relationships, but he’s never given me any reason to doubt who he says he is, nor has he ever given me reason to feel uncomfortable or distrust him. I don’t think we do anything that could be seen as inappropriate either. His mother (his parents are divorced) knows about me, and accepts us. However, my parents don’t know. They know I have internet friends-at one point they quite cheerfully permitted me to send an exchange package (with just some various items relating to my country) to the guy in question, who I mentioned as a friend. That didn’t end up getting off the ground though, because he said his mum would find it strange if he didn’t send some sort of items indicating his affection. Evidentally my parents would find that strange, so we called it off.

I would really like to meet him. We’ve talked of this possibility, and he said he would be willing to come here so my parents could get to know him. He’s said he would be more than happy to talk to my parents first, once I’ve told them, to relieve any concerns they might have, and he has a webcam to demonstrate to some extent that he isn’t an old man preying on me.
I do feel quite guilty about my parents not knowing about this relationship, and would like to tell them, not simply just because I’m seeking their permission for us to meet up-although that is one of the motivating factors.

I’m quite scared to tell them though. I have no idea how they’ld react. I only know of one person in ‘real life’ who had an internet relationship, and her friends teased and pressured her so much about it that she ended up foolishly dating a local boy in an attempt to prove she wasn’t “desperate” and interested in old, creepy men as had been suggested. I don’t want my parents to go to the extremes and remove my internet/computer access out of fear for my safety because, quite simply, I really enjoy talking to this guy. I don’t
want them thinking that I’m desperate or pathetic either.

I’m the quiet type, and the idea of direct confrontation is more than daunting. So, basically, any suggestions on how I should go about telling them?
Feel free to ask any questions, and thanks in advance for your help :slight_smile: (If I’ve posted in the wrong forum or there are errors in my expression etc. it’s my first post, and I might be a little lost :p)

2

As a mom and an unrepentant fogey, I have a few things that I have to say:

  1. Your age is absolutely relevant. 15 is different than 17 is different than 19.

  2. Call me old-fashioned (see “unrepentant fogey” above), but someone you’ve never met can not be your boyfriend. He can be someone you have romantic feelings for, but that’s not the same thing. If you can’t see the difference, you’re profoundly missing the point of “boyfriend”. I won’t say that an “internet relationship” is pathetic or desperate, but it also isn’t real.

  3. As such, I think you’re making entirely too much of this. Or maybe too little.

If you have an otherwise normal social life, I’d reccommend presenting this to your parents as “Hey, I have an online friend who’s going to be in the area, and I’d like to meet him. He’s more than happy to come here and meet you first. Is that cool?” This is, IMO, how you should be approaching this anyway.

If, on the other hand, you are as freaked out by the idea of them knowing about this as you seem to be, then you *know *that something about it isn’t cool. Figure out what about it is setting off *your *“not cool” alarm bells, and you have your answer as to how to handle this.

3

Have you met him via webcam yet? If not, why?

Although I do feel that internet relationships can be real, I agree with DianaG that age is relevant and that you need to question why you’re so hesitant to have your parents meet him. Additionally, there’s no need to feel pathetic over feelings you’ve developed for someone you met online. It happens all the time. The point is, is the relationship healthy, is it reciprocated, is it appropriate and is it safe?

It’s good that he’s willing to talk to your parents first, but suspect because you don’t want him to.

4

I mostly agree with DianaG, except for her number 2 point. I think internet relationships are perfectly “real” in that you can have genuine affection for and emotional reaction to other people whom you haven’t met in the flesh. The speed of internet interaction, as well as the depth that technology allows, certainly creates more intimacy and fosters greater communication than, say, handwritten letters. And our great-great-grandparents often communicated by nothing more than letter for a great portion of their lives; no one claims their relationships with their correspondences “not real”. In fact we treasure those letters and put them in books now.

Anyhow, that aside, the basic advice I agree with: tell your parents that one of your internet *friends *is coming to town and you’d like them to meet. Simple. If you two hit it off in person, then it’s not so threatening later on to hear that romance has blossomed. If you get together to find that you can’t stand the way he chews his food or his pheromones are just not doing it for you, then there’s no drama needed (with your parents, anyhow).

As long as you’re not planning to marry this guy on first meeting, I don’t think you need to make too much of a big deal about it. And “friend” is a lot less scary for a parent to hear than “boyfriend”, internet or otherwise.

5

I think this is the right approach. Internet relationships can lead to real relationships, but you can’t be sure that it’s real until you’ve met the person and see how you get along in real life. No sense in making a big fuss over this and then find out you two don’t even get along in real life.

6

I feel the need to clarify here that internet *friendships *are perfectly “real”, even if you’ve never met the person. But to take the extra step to “boyfriend”, with all of the emotional and physical commitment that word implies, with someone you’ve never actually *met *is a *substitute *for something real.

A meeting of the minds can absolutely happen online. I have several friends that I met online. But online friends don’t preclude real-life friends. An online *boyfriend * precludes real-life, close-up-and-personal romantic relationships. Why would you give up that possibility?

7

Your age, gender, and parent’s general attitude towards internet friends are all very relevant to responding to this post appropriately. Until then I would be leery of offering any advice.

8

If you’ve never actually met the guy, I’d still put your relationship in the friendship zone. Because no matter how well you get along online, you two may meet and find the chemistry is nil. So by all means have him come over, supervised, as a friend. If you two hit it off, then you tell your parents. They’ll likely be less weirded out if they (and you) have met him in person. And liked him, of course.

9

I may be missing a vital piece of information from your OP or have misinterpreted something, but just based on what you have written here I would say log off the internet and find a boyfriend in meatspace. If I am reading this correctly it seems like this is not only online but also long distance and a first romantic relationship for you as well. The internet is a wonderful tool and will allow you to meet many people and do many things you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do otherwise but it should not replace face to face interactions. If you are thinking of him as a boyfriend and not looking for romantic possibilities elsewhere because you are already “taken” then in this case the internet is more of a hinderance than a help.

Think about it this way: even if your parents meet him, like him, and approve of your relationship, what good does that do? Will you be able to go out and hold hands at the movies on friday night? Will he be able to take you to your prom? Will he ever be able to offer you more than text on a screen or a voice on the phone? Is that really how you want to live your life?

10

The only problem with the friend is going to be in the area is that the friend is in another country if I’m reading the OP correctly. Depending on the distances involved, having a friend just being in the area would raise questions of many parents.

An internet relationship of today isn’t too different from penpal relationships of the past. Eventually a meeting is going to happen. But as Acid Lamp states, there are far too many variables for a definate answer to this one.

That being said, I’ll tell you what I would expect from my children in this scenario. Telling me that they’ve met someone on the internet that they’ve really hit it off with and like a lot. He or she would like to come here to meet everyone and spend the weekend. Odds are that I’d go along with it. Your parents might be of a different opinion.

Internet predators are real, but like plane crashes. You hear about them because they’re news. For every plane that crashes there are 10000 that land safely. For every perv that tries to hook up with a 13yo there are 50000 online relationships that are perfectly fine. No cites, just numbers that seem reasonable to me.

It’s all going to come down to your relationship with your parents, and their opinions. If they are reasonable people, honestly should always be the first approach.

11

There is another gigantic piece of information missing: his age (and specifically, the age difference between the two of you).

12

Information required for me to give advice:

Your age
His age
Where you are both from
Your experience with dating up until now

13

I told my parents about my online LDR about a year after it started. The difference is I was 26 when I met my SO.

Before saying anything or proceeding with face-to-face meetings, I would make sure of two things:

that you truly know your SO, that you can speak with confidence of his personality, his goals, his likes, and intentions; that he is a good person and is good for you,

that you want the relationship to go somewhere, and more importantly, that the relationship is capable of going there.

I disagree you should lie and say he’s a friend for several reasons, the main one being that it would be a poor display of your own maturity and responsibility.
On a side note:
Your relationship is as real as you both decide it is. If you consider yourselves dating and are comfortable with that, then that’s what it is.

14

Have you ever even spoken to him on the telephone?

15

p.s. Welcome to the Dope.

16

how do you* know *his mother knows about you?
As a parent of teenage girls, and as a lawyer who has seen some victims of similar relationships, I can acknowedge that this guy might not be evil, but I must emphasize he could be. I think if you have reasonable parents they should be present when (if) you meet this guy. I would not make any exceptions to this rule for any reason. If he is who you think he is, then he’d be fine with that. If he objects, you got a problem.

Your question was how to tell your parents. Depends on how you all get along, I guess. I suppose tell them what you told us. If you’re more comfortable talking to one of them, start there. I think they’d be relatively okay if you let them know the reason you’re telling them is because you know it would be crazy to meet anyone from online without their involvement. If it were me, I’d downplay the “seriousness” of the relationship. They don’t need to know that, they just need to know the guy wants to meet in real life.

17

(bolding mine)

I agree 100%. It’s not real until the two people involved have spent some time together. There’s a lot you can’t know without the personal contact.

I have a female family member, age 17, that has driven to meet two guys she met on the 'net.

Guy #1, 55 miles away, didn’t suit her fancy at all. This after several months of on-line communication. The one meeting was enough to shift him into the “friend” category.

Guy #2: She drove 70 miles to meet with Guy #2 and his dad at a Burger King and then they all went deer hunting. The girl had her deer rifle and a .357 pistol, but I was still a little concerned.
She got home safe and sound and had a “pretty good time”, but I’m getting the vibes that he isn’t worth the gasoline involved.

Whether it’s a good idea for her to go meet these people I don’t know. She’s 17 and has good judgment in other areas, so all I do is listen to the results, without making negative comments.

18

DianaG pretty much nailed it, although I must say I’m surprised to see so many people echoing the “it isn’t real 'til you meet him” bit.

When I was… well, I don’t know how old you are, but I was 15- I had a long-distance relationship with somebody I’d seen- ie. she was eight feet away talking to a friend, I asked the friend about her later, got her number from the friend, etc.- and it all went horribly wrong when we actually met for the first time about six months later.

19

When I was 15, I met a person online and fell pretty hard for him. I was calling him my boyfriend about 3 weeks before I turned 16. He was a few years older than me, and he lived about 700 miles away (I was in Utah, he in So Cal). Everybody told me that he was probably a psycho, that he couldn’t really be my boyfriend, that it was first love and I’d get over it, and that I was making a huge mistake.

I said “Whatever, jerks. I know what I’m doing.” Because I was 15/16 and thought I knew everything. Also, that’s what I say to people who tell me I’m wrong.

We’ve been together for nearly 11 years now, and married for 7 of those.

Things worked out great for me and I have no regrets. I just thought I’d offer that as a counterbalance to some of the more dire warnings in the thread. Or the suggestion that you find a “real” boyfriend.

As for how to tell your parents, I would suggest that you just refer to him as a friend. Parents tend to freak out over their daughters dating, regardless of how or who they’re dating. If he does visit, introduce him as a friend. Give your parents a chance to become accustomed to him and like him. Later, indicate that you’re growing more serious about him.

20

Oi.

Repeat after me: If I haven’t interacted with him in person, I have no idea who he is.

He doesn’t have to lie to you to make this true; he only has to lie to himself. As long as you’ve got a computer screen and hundreds of miles between you, you can only take his word for pretty much everything he tells you about himself. And god only knows if his self-perception is anywhere near accurate. You have no reality check of seeing for yourself how he behaves.

Some people are gems in type, and absolute assholes in person. It’s harder to filter your true colors when there’s no backspace key.

Been there, done that, have a whole collection of t-shirts. My sophomore year of college was full of internet stupid.