I spent New Years Eve at home, mostly in front of the computer, talking on a message board with other people just like me :p. I kinda flirted with this guy, everybody was having fun, and someone offered to marry us online, so we did it, as a joke. Nothing official, or real in any way, just a silly joke. We didn’t even know each other’s names! I thought that that was that, it was fun, moving on! But the next day we continued flirting, and then we began to chat (YM), and we got to know each other a bit, and we kinda developed some real feelings for each other.
Now it’s almost four months later, we talk daily for at least one hour, I don’t really know what… We didn’t sink our teeth too much into the “big topics”, but it’s time pleasantly spent. Now he says that he cares about me a lot. And that the distance (almost 1000 km) is killing him. He can’t do anything about it, because he depends on his parents. I also live at home, a very sheltered life, and traveling 1000 km to visit some guy is out of the question.
I know this looks like a teenage drama; unfortunately I’m 25, and he’s 20. Here, living with the parents is not really a big deal at this age (really!). People don’t usually live alone or with a roommate unless they absolutely have to. I’m also shy, passive, not proactive (I even hate the word), haven’t had much experience (romantic or otherwise), I’d say that I have undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome (well all the online tests said so!), but I don’t want to offend anybody. I have no idea how to manage this, other than to put my head in the sand and just leave things the way they are.
I can’t offer him more than this. I can’t go across the country. I may be a loser romantically speaking, but I’m great on the work front, and I can’t leave this job! And I can’t ask him to move across the country, leave everything he knows and has, with costs that I honestly don’t think he can afford… for what? I’m not that much, really. And even if he wants to do that, his parents will talk some sense into him. Maybe it’s true what they say… That women are happy to be just in an online relationship for years. I know I sound lukewarm about this, but I’m afraid to be more enthusiastic and suffer more.
I know that the best logical solution would be to nip it in the bud (or bloom, whatever this is), before it hurts too much, but I really don’t want to. I spend most of my free time with him, and I’ve been really happy and smiling these past months. My life would be emptier without him. Unfortunately, I don’t know what to do. I’m able just to stomp my foot (not sure whether that is the correct expression - English is not my first language) and say “I want!”
Maybe a great Doper mind has a solution. I’m not even looking for the best logical solution (I know that one), just for the next best thing!
My friend just quit her job, sold most of her stuff and moved to England from Canada with two suitcases to be with a man she met on a trip there about a year and a half ago. They’ve spent a grand total of about 3.5 weeks actually together during that time. She’s getting her own place, and they’ll take it slow, and if things don’t work out (they are a fantastic couple and this man is perfect for her, btw) she’s at least had the experience to live in the UK for a while. She’s 29.
If you think this could work out, then it might be worth it.
If you aren’t willing to end this relationship, then you need to see how far it can go. Plan a one week - or even just a weekend - trip to his town/city or somewhere midway between. Take a hotel room; don’t rely on staying with him. Meet him, visit museums or go too coffee houses or take walks or do whatever it is you like with him, and see how you feel. Make a decision then.
Life’s to short to worry about “what if’s”. Right now, you’re not really dating him. The worst that can happen is you won’t end up dating him. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Just be smart and safe about it.
When I was 16 I met a girl on the interwebs who was 21 and we did the whole long-distance relationship thing. When I turned 18 and she was 23 she flew down to Phoenix from Florida and we moved in together. That was only possible because she had two grand saved up in her bank account and she basically blew all of it to come be with me. Took a while to save that money back up but we managed.
That relationship lasted two years, but it wouldn’t have been possible without one of us having a lot of cash (we both flew back to Florida, loaded her shit in her car and drove back- fun fact: My very first time ever driving was on the highway).
Really, you can commit yourself to this relationship but if it looks unlikely that anything is going to happen you should probably move on. I mean, hell, keep talking to him, maybe your situation will change. But don’t start telling a guy you’ve known for four months on the internet that you love him or anything.
Given that he’s 20, I suspect time will solve your problem for you. People change a great deal in their early twenties- even moreso once they get out on your own. The guy you’re totally into right now will certainly not be the same guy in three years, or even in six months.
One or both of you will probably not feel the same way then as you do now.
I have never understood how people can put up with long distance relationships. You’ve never met this guy, but you two like talking, and so I think you are building up a lovely fantasy world - if you don’t meet, you wont be disappointed. There’s always the ‘someday we’re going to meet’, which is kind of exciting. You ‘have someone’ in your life. But he’s only 20 years old; he may enjoy talking to you, but IRL he’s biologically driven to hook up with a real live girl sooner or later…That said, I say, go for a weekend and meet him! Who knows? I have personally known three people who met people online and went haring off to distant cities to meet their ‘soulmates’. It worked out for two of them, the third…not so much. But go, just for a weekend, and see. (I know we would like an update if you do!)
I’ll be honest- I think you would benefit from working on your social issues and gaining more experience. It sounds to me like you are deeply infatuated, but don’t really want a face to face relationship. This strikes me as a fairly immature, and I’d be willing to bet you don’t have tons of relationship experience- which isn’t a great way to be entering into a live-in move-across-the-country relationship.
If I were you, I’d try going on a few dates locally- nothing serious, just for fun. Get used to dealing with romantic situations face-to-face so that when you do meet that special someone, you are emotionally ready for them. Take steps for cultivating this current relationship, but don’t put all your hopes into it. Infatuation is not the same thing as comparability, especially for inexperienced people.
I don’t think it will end well. The type of situation is better suited toward an online friendship rather than a relationship. You two live so far away, both of you live with your parents, etc.
I can tell you this probably won’t pan out from personal experience- I actually met someone on Craigslist who flew 400 miles to meet me. The plan was she would spend the weekend at my apartment…big mistake. You can chat with someone online, talk to them on the phone, but you really don’t get to know them until you meet in person. In my situation, both of us had our own apartments, enough disposible income to fly back and forth if we wanted, etc but it didn’t work out.
For you, as far as dating goes, you’re much better off finding someone close to you already (both physically and socially). Now I’m sure this guy is great to talk to, which would make him a really good friend. But to build an actual relationship I believe you truly have to physically interact with someone over time, and when you are far away from them from the start it makes it hard- also, it kind of forces one or the other to move/change their life/etc right from the get-go which is a lot to ask for so early on.
First of all, yes, “stomp my foot” is a perfectly acceptable expression.
This will work out in one of two ways: either the relationship will end, badly, or you’ll become one of those couples who get married within a few hours of meeting each other, stay married for decades of bliss, and are held up as an example of what good may come to future whippersnappers who are planning similar rash, impetuous and romantic gestures.
Anyone wanna guess which of the two I’d bet my money on? Anyone see a third possible ending?
(Hint: smart money is on “ends, badly.” But then, I’m a realist more than an optimist.)
OP, there is an enormous amount of space between “chatting on the Net” and “moving in together.” If you want my advice, then please take some time to explore all that space. It’s a whole lot bigger than you think.
Okay, I was involved in a LDR years back and after months of talking online and on the phone we met in person and later married.
Now I’m involved in an LDR where after about two months of talking online and on the phone we met in person. We see each other for about a week every six weeks and have a tentative schedule for me relocating.
So, what’s my point? The big change in each of these relationships happened with the “we met in person.” I knew both men very well from our conversations (where we DID talk about the big topics), but anything more than a deep friendship does require eventually meeting.
So, why is meeting out of the question? Why is traveling out of the question? If it’s a matter of money or the like, you can save. If it’s a matter of will, though, that’s not something you can save up. And the longer you go without having the will to meet, generally speaking the less likely you are ever to find the will to meet. You will have built one another up to unattainable heights in many cases, and you will fear losing what you have.
For me, the risk of losing a great ld friendship was worth it for the chance of finding someone I could love. And it paid off in both cases. You have to decide what you are risking and what the real payoff could be and weigh them.
Good luck. It’s possible to meet someone online and make a solid relationship out of it, but it takes work and will and it won’t just happen without both.
This is us: well, it was a few months, and not a few hours. We’ve been married over 12 years and I wouldn’t change a thing.
This is fantastic advice. Go meet him first and see if you click. Then cross the next bridge after that. I would also add to make sure it’s a public place and you have a family member or a friend you trust that knows where you’re going. I’ve seen relationships like this work out: I’ve seen them end where the two people remain friends: and I’ve seen them go horribly wrong. I don’t want anyone to experience that last one.
Long distance relationships in and of themselves can definitely work, but as has been said, you’ve got to meet in person and find out whether you have any chemistry at all in person before you can even begin to figure out whether it’s worth pursuing. Any good relationship is work, but long distance relationships have more than their fair share of inherent difficulties. Getting bogged down in that before you even know what spending time together is like doesn’t make much sense.
I was in a long distance relationship when I was 18, and I’m in one now. Both have been rewarding and quite worthwhile. But no big decisions were made until we met in person. I’m the last person who is going to discourage you from giving it a shot. But if you can’t get beyond the other issues you’re having, I’m not sure how much hope I can offer you.
A very wise Doper advised me thusly about my current relationship as it was burgeoning: if you wait too long to meet physically, it is possible to build up such a tremendous idea of this person you communicate with over the phone and online, and such a fantasy world surrounding the potential relationship, that by the time you do meet, you’ll be blind to who the person really is and how you actually interact. Better to meet sooner rather than later and figure out if your ideas of one another right now are accurate.
I’m in a similar situation myself. My g/f is 26 and I’m 22. She lives in Toronto, Ontario and I live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We’ve been talking for 8 months or so, and I’d say we both consider it a very close relationship.
I’ve visited her twice (as the distance is not 1000 km or anywhere near), so that hurdle has been passed. We clicked in person, too, but there are other factors that are being worked out for the relationship to progress further.
No rush here, though. We’re perfectly content chatting it up via text/skype/etc. for now (with occasional visits thrown into the mix). Don’t take things too fast. I’d say 4 months is getting to the point where I’d consider meeting. It’s arguable, but I’d say there is more at stake the further away it is.
You aren’t living if you don’t take chances. Maybe it would end up bad, but maybe it will end up like some of the other people in this thread: instant chemistry, lasting relationship, you know the rest…
Obviously, your hurdles are substantial ones. Neither party can reasonably move (right now), so it’s an internal decision that you need to make (and discuss with him). Is it worth it to keep talking online for quite possibly a long time? Even with no guarantee of positive results anytime soon? If you can deal with that, then absolutely. You never know what situation both of you will be in 6 months down the road, a year down the road, etc. If you don’t think you can handle that emotionally, then it’s probably time to move on.
Wow, such great and kind advice! Thank you all for sharing your experiences!
Careful! Wall of text coming, because… well, because you are all so awesome!
I want us to meet… But I don’t really know how to break it to my parents. I’ve never done anything like it. I don’t think I’ve spent a night away from home that wasn’t work-related. Now I’m looking for work-related stuff in his hometown, but there’s nothing happening there! It would be great if he could travel here, just for a weekend, but his parents are more protective than mine (and that’s really something!). Our parents know some things, but not the whole extent (such as it is).
Did you see each other during those two years?
Well, we already married each other on the internet! During the first night, even! We’re diabetes-inducing when we talk, but most of the time it’s not really real.
Hmm… I would be okay-ish with this dying on its own, of old age. I told him that maybe one day we’ll run out of things to say, so that would be that. But he wants to kill it, because it would hurt more otherwise.
I know. I know. I’m working on them. I’m pushing myself to get out of the shell, to socialize, even to make chit-chat. Sometimes it’s still… I don’t know… like I’m going through the right motions, but not really feeling it. I took advantage of an opportunity to speak in public (lecturing), and I’m miles away from where I was when I started.
What else do you think I should do?
I don’t have a lot of experience in dating. I don’t have any experience in anything more serious than that (I’ve never really loved anybody). It takes me a lot of time and goading to open up and relax. Most people tire or don’t care enough (and I don’t blame them). So where the hell do I find dates locally?? I tried okcupid… The first date was kinda awful. Nothing bad happened, just… we would say things staring ahead, not looking at each other, and trying to sound very smart. In hindsight, I think we were both scared shitless (sorry!), but regardless, there was no second date. I also tried people I studied with, or worked with, and nothing really clicked. Now I’m thinking that maybe I should have tried harder, but that’s that.
And if I met someone here, and dated him… would that be considered cheating? :dubious: I know I would feel uneasy, but I’m not sure I’m thinking straight.
I know. And even if let’s say that we meet face to face, and we hit it off… what then? THEN it would get really difficult.
Thank you! Finally!!
Why yes, I do feel like a young whippersnapper! I keep hearing about people who fly half-way across the world, not the country, after knowing each other for 2 days and 1 hot night, and get married, and have lots of cute and smart kids together. You don’t really hear about the ones that don’t make it. There is also a cognitive bias, I think - I seem to be surrounded by couples in long-distance-relationships, where she is older than he is. And I wasn’t before talking to this guy!
Hmm… We did talk about one of the BIG things today, sort of, and it didn’t really go all that great. He thinks gay people should be drowned or something. :eek: I’m actually putting this on his tender age, and I hate having to do that. Also, here, until a few years ago, homosexual behaviour used to be punishable by years of prison, so it’s not really something out of the ordinary for someone to think like that.
I guess it is because we don’t know how to deal with our respective parents. Or maybe that’s just an excuse.
Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind!
Oof, I do feel like I wasted some years not living! Just studying and now working. Maybe that’s why I feel younger than my biological age. Thank you and good luck!
I’m less concerned about what is considered ordinary, and more concerned about how you think. I’m guessing from your comment that you do NOT share his views about homosexuality, but how strongly do you feel about it? That’s the sort of comment that would be a deal-breaker for me, but you have to evaluate that for yourself.
What you should really be careful about doing is saying, “Well, that’s always been a really big deal to me, but this guy is so great in other ways that I’m going to overlook that.” I don’t think I can say enough times to be careful about falling into that sort of trap of letting things slide that you wouldn’t normally. If it’s not that big a deal to you generally, that’s one thing. But if it’s not that big a deal to you BECAUSE it’s him…well, just think about whether you really think that’s something you can overlook going forward.
ETA: I just re-read and noticed that you’ve chosen to attribute an ignorant attitude to his youth. Please see prior comments about being careful. I don’t think you should EVER assume that someone is going to change to your liking going down the road. If you choose to overlook his attitude because you think he’ll “come around” at some point, that may come back to haunt you.
That’s a troubling thing to hear, obviously, and it’s something you should think about very hard. It’s possible to have a relationship with someone very unlike you, but if someone doesn’t share your basic values, things can be very uncomfortable, or even scary.
My advice, though I’m not really worthy to give advice, is to talk more about these BIG issues. Ask questions and answer to the best of your ability. Though meeting might be difficult right now, you can still learn a great deal through online and phone interaction.
And start bringing things up to your parents about how you are looking to expand your dating horizons. It never hurts to lay the groundwork.
She flew down and stayed at my place for a month. At the end of that month we decided we wanted to live together because, really, there was no other way for the relationship to work. I mean, she lived in Florida, I lived in Arizona.
So after that trial month we both flew back to Florida together to pack up her things in her car and we drove back to Phoenix. Lived together for two years before things dissolved.
Nope. But I had work. And so did she, she was able to get a job transfer from Florida to AZ. Neither of us could have afforded a place on our own, but together we were able to afford a place.
During that month trial period she would sleep in my room at my mom’s place, during the day we were pretty much out and about all the time.
No, my mom wasn’t particularly upset about the situation. She wasn’t thrilled, to be sure. But she trusted me and my judgment. As did the girl who flew down to live with me. The very first night we were sleeping in the same bed, etc. A lot of trust to put in someone you haven’t known in person for a long time, I guess. But thankfully for her I wasn’t an ax murderer.
I know I sound lukewarm about this, but I’m afraid to be more enthusiastic and suffer more.
We’re diabetes-inducing when we talk, but most of the time it’s not really real.
