A Relationship Hypothetical

Let’s say there were two people who live hundreds of miles away from each other. They’ve never met, but they play the same online game, frequent the same message board, whatever. They talk online, they text, and they really hit it off. To the point where after a few weeks, they decide they need to be together in a relationship.

Trouble is, they’re too far apart for any practical relationship. They don’t have the finances to travel to see each other with any kind of regularity, so one says to the other “Hell with it…come out here. We’ll call it ‘for a visit’. Stay with me a week or two, and if it works, you stay for…well, you just stay”, to which the other agrees, packs up the car and heads to a possible new life.

Anyone been in, or know of anyone who was in, a situation like that? Any stories of how things like this turned out?

Did either of these people ever leave their computer logged into the Dope at work? :slight_smile:

It was an alt.music board rather than an online game, but we’ve now been together over 15 years, married for fie.

I’ve actually been in this situation twice and both times it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t do it anymore. I have mentally and verbally jived with several people, to whom I am not cute enough to be seen with in public. Them’s the breaks.

I know a couple of people who’ve done similar things but never after a few weeks, always after years and years of talking. Could it work out? Yeah, sure. Could she be coming to cut out your kidneys to add to her collection? Yeah, sure. People can be awesome all they want online and never let you know that they have pretty severe issues until you meet them in person, but then again sometimes you meet someone and you just know that you are so compatible it is almost like it was meant to be.

If this is about you (and I assume that it is) and you are in the middle of a divorce, you have a small child you share custody of, just moved into a new place, etc. I would tell you to log off the internet and step away from the crazy. Not only will this potentially screw up your kid but if your wife/ex-wife finds out you have some woman you’ve never met in person coming to essentially move in forever she wouldn’t necessarily be wrong in arguing with a judge that you aren’t taking your daughter’s safety seriously and should lose custody completely. Beyond that, divorce is a pretty messy process even in the most amicable of situations and mentally you probably aren’t in a place where starting a relationship would be a good idea.

I’m going to tell you the same thing parents have been telling their 16 year olds since the beginning of the internet: If she is the one for you she will still be the one for you next year. Wait a while and get to know one another before you jump into this.

I’ve known some people who’ve been in similar situations. Usually doesn’t work out so well when one person leaves their whole life to travel far away just to be with another person they’ve never interacted with in person. But sometimes it might as well be ‘meant to be’ and they live forever in bliss.

I would never participate in something so risky. Anyway I’m almost never physically attracted to people I click the best with in terms of personality, interests, communication etc.

I’d say the odds are against it working out. Anyone willing to just up and leave everything they know for something they barely know is a bit kooky.
I married a guy I met online. We talked online and on the phone for 2 years. We lived on different sides of the Altlantic so meetups were difficult, but we did see each other in person several times before we decided he’d come live with me. The marriage lasted 5 years.
Now that I look back, if I had met him under “normal” circumstances ie: through friends, in a bar…etc I think we may have dated only for a few months and then broke up.
Once we lived together, I slowly found out things about him that I could never know while corresponding online or on the phone. Nothing major, just personality quirks and incompatible traits that you’ll never see until you spend time in person.
I’ve heard of all kinds of stories like yours where they end up being soulmates and living happily ever after, but I’d never do it.

My daughter met her husband in 2006 playing World of Warcraft online. We live in Georgia and her husband-to-be lived in California. He came to visit for a week and then about 6 months later she moved out there. They got married in 2008 and now have two little kids. Things are going extremely well for them, and I’m so happy about that. At the time I thought the whole idea of it was crazy! It’s proof that it actually can happen and work out well.

It worked for me - with another country involved - with a major caveat that I’d known him online for years, and we had been speaking in a romantic fashion for about a year, not several weeks. And my divorce was more than a year old.

I beg you to wait. If my husband and I had done it in a few weeks, with me going through a divorce, it would have ended very differently. Plus, my son was older than the Littlest Briston, by several years.

If it is mean to be, find a way to visit. I did, with an 8K mile difference. People who say that there are real true differences IRL to iron out are correct.

So please, please give it a bit more time.

This sends up red flags for me, and I’m someone who just moved cross country to live with my fiance–packing essentially everything I own into a Jeep Liberty.

Relationships shouldn’t, in my opinion, be about need. Everyone should be able to survive, and thrive, apart. Two self-sufficient people can form a solid relationship. Two desperate people who need each other should probably cool it before someone gets badly hurt.

Yep, just about that exact thing happened to a friend of mine–their game of choice was World of Warcraft. They’re married with children now. The woman (the one who moved) was divorced with a kid, and seemingly not in a great place in life at the time.

I don’t know exactly to what extent *need *played a part at the time, but they obviously decided that they wanted to move beyond a virtual relationship, and from the woman’s perspective there must have been financial motive (I don’t mean this in a bad way; rather, that she was looking out for the welfare of her child). Anyway, it seems to have worked.

Question: you mention online chatting and texting. Are there phone calls involved, here? How deep are the conversations? Is it all flirting and infatuation, or are there practical and philosophical discussions being had?

As long as there’s a genuine understanding between the people that it may not work, and that no-one is running from something they shouldn’t be running from, they should go for it. Just don’t burn too many bridges, there’s a high chance it won’t work, but fuck it, do you really want to spend the rest of your life thinking “what if”?

Excellent advice!

I agree with most everyone here. My live-in girlfriend and I met two years ago working summer stock theater together for a few months. After a month in a relationship(ish) in person, and almost a year of living apart (I’m in VT, she was in SD), she decided to move here, and it’s been wonderful.

Being apart for a while is ok; and while waiting can be hard, taking a few months or a year with maybe a visit or two can be good, and can help inform your emotions much more clearly.

Some of you exceptionally clever folks weren’t fooled in the least by the word “Hypothetical” in the thread title, and correctly surmised that this was a situation in which I found myself*****. So with that out of the way…

UPDATE: She’ll be here in about 15 minutes. I’m flipping. The Fuck. Out.

Thank you.
*****…and offered up advice that, if it did not fit into my preconceived notion, went completely ignored…but thanks anyway! :slight_smile:

I moved from MS to MD to live with Agent Foxtrot. No regrets. We were together for a year.

I say go for it. I’d be a big hypocrite to say anything else. And if you’re in love and got a chance for happiness, take a chance on it.

Thanks for the update (you cryptic fella, you), hope everything goes fantastically, and more updates! :slight_smile:

Shit, don’t freak out. Enjoy the moment. Whatever you do, if for some reason real life reality doesn’t live up to expectations, be a gentlemen and don’t take it out on her.

If you reach a lull in the conversation, lighten things up by talking about this board and the whole sheep thing. Or not.

We already crossed that bridge weeks ago.

“I googled your handle [I use **Hal Briston** just about everywhere] and found some interesting things about sheep. There something you want to tell me?”

She’s a keeper, this one…

I remember you mentioning that before. You were playing Words With Friends, IIRC. Pity, I was hoping it was another Tale of True Doper Love.

Similarly, I use Invisible Chimp almost everywhere, including on OKCupid. I’m kinda scared what things a woman might find out if she Googled me. I’ve never been that concerned with privacy; I’ve mentioned my very common real first and last names here. Maybe I should think about it more in the future.