I need advise. Or support. Or maybe to have my head examined. Two and a half months ago, one of my friends and I decided to stop being dumb and start dating. Love came quickly. Unfortunately, I moved to California two months ago. We’re doing the long distance thing until he can get his affairs in order and join me out here. This is all wonderful and amazing. I’m going back east in a week and a half to visit him. While I’m back in Boston, we’re doing the meet each other’s parents thing. I’m terrified.
His family can’t wait to meet me. They’re planning a barbeque. I guess I’m just supposed to be myself, but I’m afraid they won’t like me. However, I can deal with this.
What I’m truly afraid of is my family. I told my parents about him a long time ago. I told them that he’s moving out here to be with me. They seem to live under the delusion that if they change the subject every time I bring him up, he’ll disappear. I mentioned him in passing a few days ago and my mother said “This isn’t serious, is it?” My parents and I don’t have the best relationship. I don’t want to make things any worse, but both my boyfriend and I feel if we put it off any longer, it will only get more awkward. I don’t think they’ll like him. He’s almost nine years older than me, which I don’t see as a big deal, but they will. Nothing they say will change my mind, but I do not want to sit through awkward holidays for the rest of my life.
Anyone have any advise on how to make this less painful? Any words of wisdom on how to handle this? Any help will be greatly appreciated.
To meet his parents: wear something nice and on the conservative side and bring a gift.
Other than that, be yourself and they sound like they’ll love you!
For your folks…make sure that they know that you’re in this relationship whether they approve or not, that it would be much easier if they did, but if it comes right down to it, their opinions don’t matter that much to you.
I’m Gay and my parents and his mother (his father died a long time ago) got along great. But it took some time.
First, stop stressing about it. You can’t do anything about how they feel, so just be yourself in both situations.
His parents sound cool, so just relax. Make a point of trying to get to know both his parents, individually, during the BBQ. That way they can compare notes after you have gone. If both have positive things to say, you are set for life.
Your parents sound like more of a challenge. If they are not ready for this, bail…and I mean now. No need to set yourself up for hard feelings this early in the relationship. And by all means, mention the age difference BEFORE you go there. If your parents flip out, you know this is a bad idea and hold off.
Gay or straight, you are not the first person on earth to have parents who might not approve of the relationship. Be prepared to deal with it. My guess is they will eventually come around, but look at it from their point of view. This is a lot to throw at someone all at once - you moving to the other side of the US, and a new lover, Gay, and someone older. What do you expect? There aren’t a whole lot of Hallmark cards for them to choose from.
Before he meets your parents you sit down with them and say “Yes, this is serious enough that he is doing a cross country move. Yes, he is older than me. Yes, I know you are concerned. But we were friends for a long time before we took this step, he is important to me, and I would hope that will make him important to you, too.”
If they still are cold upon meeting him, don’t spend a lot of time around them.
A good attitude and a sense of humor go a long way. You know you can’t change your parents, but you can decide to not let them get to you and to have a little fun with the situation. For example, make up a prediction list and see how many you get right. Such things as:
Mom will mention one of my old boyfriends.
Dad will say something about people having premarital sex.
Mom will relate a humiliating story about me.
Dad will bring out his collection of celebrity golf balls.
Every time one of your predictions comes true, you and boyfriend get to share a private smile.
I love the idea about the list of things they’ll bring up. I should bring my brother in on that, too. He and I aren’t terribly close, but he’s coming to be my support and as he put it “defuse what is sure to be a tight situation.”
I was going to wear a summer dress when I meet his family? Is that conservative enough, or should I wear slacks and a blouse?
Oh, FTR, I am a girl. I know my sn confuses people, sorry, although as you said, the advice holds pretty much true regardless.
Depends on how old you are. If you’re really young (like under 20), then I can see why your parents might be concerned. Otherwise, a 9 year gap isn’t much.
Ah, meeting the parents. Fun time for sure. Both of you just have to be yourselves; putting on an act won’t fly. Oh, and keep a smile on your face and keep your cool if anything weird happens. Try to be helpful (or at least offer to help) your boyfriend’s mom. Why are you nervous about the interaction between your boyfriend and your parents? Are you worried that your parents will sour your relationship, or are you worried that your relationship with your parents will worsen? If the former, just warn your bf about what might come down. Take away the surprise element. As to your parents, there’s not a lot you can do about that. But they’ll come around eventually.
I’m 15 1/2 years older than my wife, and I was living in Canada when our relationship began. Her dad freaked out about it and went on Prozac. He was convinced in that xenophobic kind of way that I was a scam artist and possibly a murderer, who wanted a free ticket to a Green Card and that we’d be living in a trailer while I shot heroin or some such thing.
The first time I came here to meet my future bride, I was nervous as hell, not at meeting her, but her dad. All I could do was to be myself and try to show that I was not a danger to his little girl. This was real and it was happening, and we wanted it to happen. There were no mishaps, and even though he went through a major depressive period about it, he didn’t try to prevent us from having a relationship. Eventually, he came around.
We’ve been married for seven years, and things are fine now; in fact they were never less than fine. He must have screwed up the courage to let his daughter do what she thought was right, because one thing she is not is dumb, or a maker of poor choices. We never lived in a trailer. I’ve never been unemployed since I got my work permit, and we’re just being two married people. They make me feel like family.
I know it isn’t the same in everybody else’s family. But the best advice I can give you is to be absolutely sure that this is what you want, and go for it, despite the reservations others around you may have. Be who you are. That’s why you’re a couple in the first place, right?
If you believe the BF-parents meeting will be problematic, try to schedule it in a public place like a restaurant (pay for dinner, if you have to). The presence of strangers will rein in their freakadelic tendecies and bring out the socially appropriate behavior.
Another option is to have it at a large family gathering in which you have “allied” family like friendly siblings, cousins, or aunt/uncles who will put your BF eat ease and “dilute” the effect of any awkward moments or confrontations.
Whatever you wear, make sure it isn’t too racy, appropriate underwear, covered. Since you’re worried, when meeting your parents it might be good to minimize the time they’ll be together that first time. Then have something structured, like going to a movie or miniature golf (sounds crazy but it was the best meeting of the parents I’ve ever had), that they like to do.
Whatever it is, keep conversation light, away from the usual landmines of politics and religion. Sports is okay if you know how they feel about any teams that may be mentioned. Then you both can do the usual shmoozing. Brief each other on their hobbies, something about their work, other family or friends who are close to them. Compliment as much as you can and be interested, not sucking up, just putting the best foot forward.
If your parents still don’t like him, for no good reason, it’s not the end of the world. My brother-in-law is a tool and his family is the biggest bunch of losers and loonies I’ve ever seen assembled in one place (except for those who are away-- incarcerated or committed at the moment). My sister leaves him home and comes to visit a few times a year, and it’s a nice vacation for everyone. If you marry, you might eventually spend holidays with just you two and the kids, anyway.
You could also luck out like my parents did. My mom’s family thought my dad was humorless dork for the first three years. It took them a while to realize he had a very dry, but very wicked sense of humor. Then they could see how good they were for each other, like blinders had been removed.
When my husband and I got engaged, BOTH families were outraged. BOTH said the same thing: “You can do better than that!” We have had many a chuckle over that during the last 41 years. We knew all along neither of us could do any better.
My parents are now both deceased, but in time they came to think my spouse was all right. My mother in law now alleges that she loves me to pieces, misses me when I’m not around, and has always done so. Boy, does she have a bad memory. Either that, or she’s ignoring the first two years.
The relevance to you is that if the two of you really care about each other then while it would be nice if the families were compatible, and you should indeed make reasonable efforts to get along, if it doesn’t happen you can still do fine.
Here is the problem. It isn’t your parents. It is you looking for approval from them. It’s ok. we all want it but some parents are tightwads with the acceptance that we are adults. Whatever their hang up is about this boyfriend in your life can hinge on your past relationships with boys/men (same thing, really) and it could be they are not ready for their little girl to grow up and do big mature things. Or it could be a buttload of other things that are beyond your control. It is their problem, not yours.
If you don’t have a great relationship with them now it is not going to magically be repaired with/by the New Man In Your Life. I know you are not looking for that and you want to maintain some kind of workable relationship with them, so during your time with them keep a couple of things in mind: Patience, maturity and in X amount of hours I will be on a plane back to my sanctuary. The last part can be your mantra if you like.
I vote to have a neutral territory meeting with each set of parents seperately in a restaurant. It certainly does keep the freak out episodes down and there is comfort in a waitress asking " Can I get you anything?" when things get tense.
Also, I highly suggest coming up with a list of ‘things to do’ while you are out there. Whether they are real plans or just imaginary back up, you can use it as a reason not to spend time with family ( whomevers) if things get squirrelly. This is what is refered to in Shirley Ujest’s Mind as " An Out." Always give yourself An Out.
And next time, young lady, don’t fall in love with a wonderful guy and then move across country. Love is expensive and nerve wracking. You’ve been warned.
I know, I know, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love and move away. But falling in love wasn’t in the script. And I like the mantra. It might just get me through the week without killing someone.
We’ve settled on meeting in public, as both my brother and I think this is a much better idea. My parents won’t make too much of a scene, I hope.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. Intellectually I know most of this stuff, I just need it said (well, written).
We’re coming from similar situations! My boyfriend’s parents were very eager to meet me and wanted all of us to go out to dinner so they could get to know me. They are very lovely people btw and during the first few years of our relationship, I wish I had parents exactly like his. They were very welcoming and accomodating of our long-distance relationship.
My parents and I did not have the best relationship which did not help when I told them that I was dating someone new. It was a bit of a frigid reception, actually. And they thought that anyone I dated would be a complete asshole since I had only dated bad men before I dated my current SO.
Since I knew it was inevitable, I told my boyfriend what he could expect, and that anything my parents said wasn’t to be taken to heart. I warned him about the things that could happen, but that it was no reflection of how I felt about him. My mom was pretty nice to him when she met him, but oh lord you should have seen the glare and the sizing up my dad did when he met my SO. He was civil but very gruff - but this didn’t faze the SO since he was well-warned and took it in stride.
Luckily, they got to know him and warmed to him. He’s helped it along by helping out around the house and being as polite as possible, even when my dad was being a prick by saying mean things about me just to show that he has dominance over me (old Asian men…just smile and nod if you don’t know what I’m talking about). So my boyfriend paid his dues by being treated as a man on probation by my father for for the first year or so.
It’s been over 5 years since they’ve met him, and now they consider him as another son. They actually think of him as my caretaker and do not butt in my life as much since “Tony is looking after you”. I guess it’s a compliment!
Okay, so we both lived through meeting each others parents. We met my parents first. My boyfriend called them Sir and Ma’am and tried to drum up conversation. My brother was nice to him. My father ignored him. My mother spoke to him once, and that was to tell him she’d kill him if he hurt me (how she would know I’m still not sure). They have chosen to be silently apathetic, which I guess we can deal with. Any time I would try to bring up my boyfriend in conversation, they would change the subject.
His family was another story entirely. They loved me and I loved them. They kept saying how they’ve never seen my boyfriend this happy and that there is a twinkle in his eyes that hasn’t been there in years. His sister declared we are perfect for each other. As we were leaving, his mother welcomed me into the family and thanked me for being in her son’s life.
So it was better than I feared and about as good as I could have hoped for.
Congratulations on surviving Phase 1. For what it’s worth, my father is 11 years older than my mother and they fell in love when she was a teenager. My grandfather didn’t approve of him because he was too old and the wrong class. My parents have now been happily married for over 40 years.
I could use some advice on this myself. This Thanksgiving, I’ll be meeting the family of the gentleman I’ve been dating for a year and a half. I think we’ll be staying with his mother. I’ve already decided on little presents for his sister, nieces, and nephews, but I’m still trying to figure out what to do about something for his mother, whom I gather we’ll be staying with. According to him, wine and chocolate are out, and I don’t think flowers will survive the drive. He says a gift isn’t necessary; I say not bringing a gift is unthinkable, even if Mum wouldn’t disown me if I turned up empty-handed. According to him, his family isn’t easy and his sister’s betting I’ll run screaming, even if she does seem to like me. I’m pretty tough, I don’t scare easily, and I know what the stakes are. Advice would be appreciated.
