I’m seriously dating someone for the first time in the 5.5 years since I’ve been single again, and the boyfriend and I are planning to travel to his hometown this weekend so that I can meet his family. Quite frankly, I’m terrified. I’ve done the “meet the parents” thing only twice, having met the parents of my high school boyfriend and my first husband. (Honestly, I think the only reason I married my second husband was that his parents were dead. That gives you some notion how good a relationship I had with my first husband’s mother!)
I know this is a big step in a relationship, and I also know that the boyfriend has already soldiered through meeting my mom, dad, and kids. But I’m terrified. I don’t worry so much about meeting the boyfriend’s father or stepfather. Potential mother-in-law, however, frightens me. I got along fine with both of the previous SO dads that I’ve met, but the two moms I’ve met have been very, very protective and intimidating. Any hints? Any funny stories about meeting parents of significant others? Reassurance? Help!
The first time I met my SO’s parents, I’d just been mugged. Look at anything that will happen to you as a step up from there.
I was on a train and had my laptop stolen, together with a very pretty physical encounter with the purlioners thereof, so when I eventually trundled back home to meet them I had cuts and bruises all over my face, a rapidly expanding black eye, and barely had time to say hello to them before getting into an extended call with the police, making a statement and other sundry activities.
They were horrified by the whole thing; it was very nice of them to be so concerned but also really quite awkward. Ah, fond memories. That was two years ago, and I’m meeting them again this weekend, and I’m a bit concerned that I might not get on too well with her dad, since he’s definitely the protective type and I’m her first serious boyfriend. When I’d first met him it was all new and he didn’t have really all that much to worry about, but now that it’s getting serious I’m not quite sure what he thinks of me.
The only advice I can give is to relax and not sweat the small stuff - you may or may not be instantly cosy with his parents, and there will probably be something of an awkward formal stage, but it can be worked through.
Don’t be too self-absorbed. When people are uncomfortable, they tend to ramble about themselves… take time to ask them questions, let them talk. Be a good listener. And by that, I don’t mean hearing what they say, but actively listening. Of course, mind your manners. And when all else fails, remind them of how proud they should be of their child. The fact that you all like said person is something you all have in common. Build from there.
It’s never once been a problem for me. I’ve never thought of the parents as future in-laws, just new friends. Treat them as equals, help out in the kitchen, certainly treat your SO with honor and love – they’ll love you.
Good advice. Offering to help in the kitchen is huge - they’ll want to adopt you immediately. Asking to see photos of your SO as a kid is also very endearing, and asking questions about their family history will show you’re really interested.
Have you asked your boyfriend for tips or advice? Any topics to avoid? Hot-button issues? Times when you should just smile and nod your head? How have his parents reacted to previous girlfriends?
Has your boyfriend been married before? Any kids? Is there a significant age/cultural/religious/racial difference? I’d expect some questions about your history and how it will mesh with his, so be prepared with some answers. I’d especially think about what you will say about being married twice before, because that will probably be a legitimate area of concern for them.
Overall, just be confident (fake it if you have to). Be “sweet.” As tdn said, show how much you care about your boyfriend. And stop thinking of them as “in-laws.” You’ll just psyche yourself out.
You know, I’ve met many parents of guys that I’ve dated, and gotten along with all of them. And it’s not like I’m really that lovable or anything. Mothers-in-law may often be awful, but it usually comes out after the first meeting.
ETA–and what SaharaTea said.
Also, remember that this is a chance for you to evaluate them. You might gain significant information that will help you decide how you will handle future issues with your SO.
Absolutely. Get the briefing. My last GF told me not to engage her father in topics that are overly intellectual. He only has a 5th-grade education and is terribly sensitive about it.
On the other hand, women never have to worry about meeting my family. If I’m dating someone, she’s automatically adopted. I guess I have a “type.”
Ditto. You’re not in high school. These are people who (hopefully) want to see their son happy and fulfilled. Get to know them. There’s something in them that made him who he is.
I knew I was marrying into the right family when, during dinner, the entire family got into a debate over how much a gallon of water weighs… which was only resolved once someone got up and looked it up.
I’ve done this from both sides. Don’t fret. Assuming the parents are not over-protective in a sick way, they are probably happy that their son has met someone he is interested enough in to bring home. If his parents are nuts, he’ll warn you. My younger daughter has had a lot of success just by being polite. That seems to be rare these days for some reason.
When I first met my future father-in-law, he asked me about my prospect. Not a problem, since at the time I was studying computer science at MIT. He’s a musician. So, keep a sense of humor, and realize they may be as nervous as you.
Thank you guys so much for all of the good advice. I was prepared for most of it, but I really appreciate the “ask about hot-button topics to avoid” suggestion. We’ll have a couple of hours’ drive to get to the boyfriend’s hometown, so that sounds like a good topic of conversation for the ride down. Fortunately, good manners and helping in the kitchen are things that are second nature (thanks, Mom,) so I’m set there. Plus, my job requires a lot of interaction with all sorts of people, so I’m pretty good at asking people a couple of questions and letting them spend as much time as they will answering… makes me seem like a much more interesting person when I let others talk about themselves, you know!
I guess I’m just jittery about this, since I had pretty much come to expect that I would be single for the foreseeable future, if not always. The only real reason I’m worried about meeting his mom is that she’s afraid that her son is moving into a serious relationship too soon after his previous one. As a mom, I can certainly understand that concern, and totally don’t blame her. But I think that even the most oblivious person, much less a mother who loves her son, will see how very happy the two of us are. (And I don’t mean happy like giddy teenagers. I mean happy as in very, very content and comfortable and genuinely in awe of finding a relationship that neither of us expected. If that makes any sense.)
The good news, though? His parents certainly can’t say that we can’t possibly know one another well enough, since we’ve been friends since meeting in high school in 1985!
When I started dating my husband, he had just gone through a painful divorce. I don’t think anyone in his family thought it was a good idea for him to get involved in a serious relationship. It was totally nerve-wracking meeting his mother the first time because he is closer to her than anyone else. She was polite, but I could tell she was sizing me up. We get along great now, but I think it took a while before she really trusted me not to hurt her baby boy.
I think too often we are disappointed when we aren’t instant best friends with the SO’s family. That’s how I felt anyway. But some relationships take time to develop.
Thanks for the good advice again, y’all. I’ve just finished my thank you notes to mom & dad, grandmother, and grandfather. According to the other half, I made a good impression, and worried for naught.
So, keep a sense of humor, and realize they may be as nervous as you.