This weekend my gf and I are visiting her parents at a family get together that also includes a fair amount of extended family. This marks two territories I am unfamiliar with, meeting an SO’s parents and extended family gatherings. On the whole I am looking forward to the experience as it means spending a whole weekend with my gf, plus from what she has told me her parents seem like good folk.
While unfamiliar I don’t think I’ll have any trouble figuring out the extended family gathering bit. What worries me is that I fear her descriptions of me to her parents may have been more glowing than reality, so despite the fact that I want to meet them I am a bit nervous. Rationally I know that I shan’t have much trouble getting them to like me, I’m a stand up fellow, already have a career job lined up for post graduation, etc. But rationality has never been up to the task of overcoming my paranoia.
Does anyone have any general advice about meeting an SO’s parents for the first time?
Be polite
Don’t dress outrageously
Stay away from religion, politics and sex as conversation topics
Don’t tell jokes until you know what the family’s sense of humour is like
Compliment the cook
Bring a hostess gift (flowers, chocolates, wine etc, ask your SO for the most appropriate gift)
Tolerate the ramblings of elderly relatives with a smile
Offer to set the table, chop vegetables, carry plates, fetch drinks and do the washing up
Eat whatever is on your plate (unless you can’t for religious or medical reasons)
If the men of the family like a certain team or sport, find something interesting to say about it (or at least, avoid insulting their passion)
Be you- but you on your best behaviour.
Tip- my dad has a “boyfriend test”- he asks all prospective boyfriends what they’d like to drink. His theory is that you can tell a lot about a man from how much he drinks and what he likes to drink (my father would be anti teetotallers, alcoholics and men who drink white wine spritzers or alcopops). The “correct” answer to his question is therefore “whatever you’re having yourself”- so far my husband is the only one who has got it right, and he’s the only one that’s still around.
Ask your SO if there is anything her parents do that might be construed as a test, however silly or trivial it might be- first impressions count, and we all have our little prejudices.
My parents recently met my new boyfriend, and my father felt the need to pull out his wallet and show off his concealed weapon permit. Subtle! :rolleyes:
I’m 35, btw, living on my own for nearly fifteen years, a divorced single mother. Some things never change, just a warning.
My bf made appropriately impressed noises at the CCW display and apparently passed whatever sort of test that was, but what really impressed my mom was noticing the little caring touches. We were meeting them for breakfast at a nearby restaurant and when the waitress came by with coffee and I was busy talking to someone, the bf noticed my empty cup and had it refilled for me, stuff like that. Mom noticed those things, which impressed her, then afterward Mom got to tell Dad she liked the guy and since Dad trusts Mom’s judgement, everyone’s happy.
Seconded. When Bonzer met my parents for the first time, this is what he did, as well as clearing the table, carrying the shopping, helping mum and dad get things from the car (my parents, even if they’re coming down for a couple of hours, make it a point to bring loads of stuff that they think will be useful for me, including food). My parents, now believe that the sun shines out of his backside. I’m not going to argue with that!
That includes don’t try to do anything you’d never do. For example, if you never open doors for other people, the first few times you do it you’ll probably get in their way instead of helping. If your mother wouldn’t recognize you in a suit and tie, don’t wear one. Etc.
I was as nervous as hell meeting Hubby’s parents for the first time. We’d been dating for nearly six months at the time, but they lived out of town, so I hadn’t met them yet. (His parents are the nicest people I’ve ever known, which somehow makes me even more nervous around them.)
They were charming and gracious. They asked me many questions, and managed to make the boring job that I had at the time sound fascinating.
His mother made dinner for us, and I was distressed to see a big, fat ham sitting in the center of the table. I don’t eat pork. The smell, taste and very idea of eating a pig makes me gag. How I managed to eat enough to be polite, I will never know. Each bite made me want to vomit. I tried to keep my eyes averted from the carcass which sat there, jeering at me, and tried to breathe through my mouth in order to avoid the reek. My stomach still churns when I think of it, but I managed to keep a smile on my face and lied like the devil when asked if I enjoyed it.
Smack mom on the tail, and tell her that now you see where your GF gets her nice tushy from. Turn and wink at dad and comment that the apple didn’t fall from the tree.
My ex didn’t want me to meet his mother. At first I thought he didn’t like me enough to cross that bridge. But he said his mother was a horrible person. I couldn’t believe that and after lots of nagging, he finally introduced me to her.
He was right.
When meeting the parental units, try to be up on current events so you don’t sound like a moron if stuff comes up in conversation. As a doper, you’re probably already hip to stuff, but hey…it bears repeating.
Oh Lord!! Help with the dishes??? The first time I met my SO’s parents I MADE dinner. In HER kitchen. Talk about walking through fire.
Apparently I pulled it off. Although it’s impossible to tell…they’re English so they may well have put out a hit on me the minute I left. But I’d never know it.
Of course my previous SO, I met his father…and and took an instant dislike. And never met his mother beyond seeing the back of her head. Which seems to be as much as the SO saw of her.
So what I’d add to the above (helpful, best behavior…always a good idea) is talk to said gf and try to understand the family dynamics before you walk into it.
The first time I was to meet my now-inlaws, I came down with viral pneumonia and spent several days in the hospital followed by several weeks of recovery from literal near-death. Therefore, our first meeting was rescheduled for several weeks later, on Thanksgiving. I was feeling quite ill that day but was determined to put on a happy face and go through with it. Big mistake. I was in lots of pain and about half-conscious, but I tried to be friendly and then sit down to dinner. Which I took one bite of, then bolted for the bathroom to throw up.
So the first impression they had of me was that I was in very fragile health, and my mother-in-law’s cooking made me instantly and violently ill. :eek:
Fortunately, they were very understanding and subsequent meetings went quite well. I think sometimes they like me better than either of their actual children.
So, try not to puke on or near your girlfriend’s family. Also, watch your language around them.
I was lucky enough to meet my husband’s family prior to us actually dating, so there was a lot less pressure because of the friend-to-couple transition.
His extended family however…I got to meet them at his grandfather’s funeral. I never met that grandfather. Very awkward “Hi, nice to meet you, sorry for you loss” to a fairly large family. Toss in the only female cousin (about 11 years old at the time) who was quite jealous of me (my husband being the oldest cousin, and therefore the coolest in her eyes, and I was “taking him away”), all the conversations in French (which I speak, but I tend to live my life in english) and arriving late at the church due to getting lost on the back-country roads in the St-Middle-of-Nowhere area of Quebec…well, it was awkward! They were all very nice, but emotions were tight. One uncle was very understanding though, and took it upon himself to buffer me from the very distraught and therefore aggressive other uncle.
Since then, at one time or another, have commented on how brave I was to accompany my SO to this funeral, and to meet them at such a difficult time.
I’m on the parent side of this now, and most of what everyone said is right. Except I don’t go with irishgirl’s father on drinking - someone who just followed me I’d consider to not have a strong enough personality to keep up with my daughter. Express interest in her parents’ interests, and no pawing of her in public.
When I went to visit my wife’s parent’s for the first time, long before we got married, I had rather long hair and was probably a bit offputting. Her father asked me what my prospects were. Since I was going to MIT in computer science, that was an easy one.
There is a lot of great advice here, in fact I think I may print off that list, irishgirl, and bring it with me.
Queen Tonya, your father sounds a good bit like my own. When my sisters start bringing home serious boyfriends he plans on greeting them at the door with a rifle in hand… he’s a tad on the protective side.
Oh, and lieu, you owe me a new keyboard. Now I’m afraid I will have trouble meeting her mother without laughing as I think to myself, “Remember now, no tounge, no tounge, no tounge…”
Well, I managed to make myself feel silly, meeting by boyfriend’s parents for the first time. His mom came in for a little hug, and I couldn’t help but do the two-cheek kiss thing. I’m French-Canadian, dammit,* it’s in my blood*! But yeah, it was seen as adorable, I guess, because they seem to like me.
Advice: Be you. Because if you fake it, it’ll show. Of course, if you’re normally a jackass, maybe hide that just a little.
You missed out challenging dad to feats of strength while criticizing his shelving and choice of car. (Then flirt outrageously with the underage sister, and try to sell blow to the 17-year-old bro.)
Seriously though: don’t forget to smile. This is an easy thing to forget when you’re nervous. Just don’t overdo it and look like a lunatic, as I did once.
I still giggle when I think about DH’s first meeting with my folks. He was an Oakland boy who had grown up with lots of black friends (no problem there!) but spoke like he was hangin’ with the boys all the time. He also had(s) several tattoos, but the most offensive one was a bust of a nude woman who looked American Indian or Hispanic. I asked if he was attracted to this type of woman and he said no (of course, with me being a translucent blonde). I didn’t like looking at the ginormous boobs on her. She was placed on the inner side of his forearm.
We went to meet my parents in late July and it was easily 90+ degrees out. He wore a jacket the entire time. I assume he was ashamed of his tats. I still rib him about it.
FF to marriage and impending fatherhood. He went through about six laser treatments to remove “boob girl”. He said it was incredibly painful, but I didn’t want my boy to look at his daddy’s arm and ask why another naked woman, clearly not me, was on his arm. I didn’t want my boy thinking that putting indelible drawings of naked women on his body was okay. Degrading to women and all, you know. You can now see only a faint trace of “boob girl”, thank God. I think my problem was that her boobs were quite pert and had lucious nipples. So there, my own insecurities drove my hub to endure excrutiating pain, just for me.
