Dating Tip: Avoid Doctors!

Hey! Wake up out there, damn it!!! Why are you still dating that Medical Student or Doctor??? :mad: :mad: :mad: Is your relationship with s/he going nowhere? Think it might all magically change someday? Hey, hopeless romantics especially, it ain’t happenin’ dudes! If this is you, lay it on the line for Dr. Right because while you think your relationship has potential, your Dr. Right just sees you as something to feed his/her ego. Yes, it applies to both males and females in medicine (from comparing notes between family and friends). Give them a dose of their own medicince while you still can! :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

This seems even moreso true while they’re in Med School! Their classes and demands (if interning) have them at their weakest. Still, you’re just a crutch to lean on as you bend over to lick their wounds of Dr. Right’s bruised ego. How many times have you/will you continue to put yourself through this? Regardless of how much time you’ve invested in your relationship, if it is not progressing or you are suffering in your relationship with Dr. Right, you’ve got to get out while you can. Spare yourself a lot of heartache and tears. Trust me, it just gets worse and worse and worse!!!

One BIG bell-ringer of a warning is when s/he starts telling you how noble s/he is for what s/he is doing for people. How s/he loves to help people, but yet s/he’s treating you like crap. So, what does that make you? Chopped liver? You come first, damn it! And, don’t you ever, ever forget that in the dating game! Yes, in the eyes and heart of Dr. Right. You are a stepping stone on their road to success.

It’s funny how everyone assumes a doctor should have a good bedside manner, and yet how often you hear the complaint that it’s hardly found today. Well, there’s good reason for that…too many of these doctors’ hearts thrives on ego and self-worth, not compassion.

And, this goes for ALL fields of medicine. The majority are self-serving. One day, you will wake up to find them gone, often without a word, and you realize how Dr. Right cared no more for you than the rug on which they wipe their feet. To them, you are disposable as a latex glove. It hurts to cut bait, but it’s nicer when you’re finally in control of the relationship! Please share your experiences with me!

Misery loves company!

  • Jinx, voice of experience (Damn her!)

P.S. Beyond heartache, you’ll learn to hate yourself…and it’s a long road back to rediscovering the happier person you once were. You’ll never fully recover. :frowning:

Hmmm, I can’t say that Dr.J has ever tried to trot out the “I’m so noble” line on me. Part of it might be because I know he doesn’t do this because he’s such a noble, long-suffering creature putting the good of his fellow man ahead of his own happiness. Of course, he also doesn’t do it for the ego or the money. He does it because he enjoys it. (Most of the time. Everybody has the occasional day when you really hate your job.)

Being involved with a med student or resident is hard. People who have never done it have no idea. Even when you try to explain it to them, they don’t really understand until they see it first-hand. They have no concept of what it’s like to try to hold together a relationship with someone who is always busy, chronically sleep deprived, constantly physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and smells like formalin. (That smell! Oy! After a few weeks, it hangs around them in an aura like PigPen’s dustcloud. Thank Og it’s only for a few months.)

There’s a reason so many relationships don’t survive the medical training process; it’s so grueling that it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time or energy to devote to anything else. It takes so much for them to just be able to hang on, they lose the ability to focus on other people. During some of Dr.J’s rotations, he barely managed to feed himself and his cat, much less spend any time with me when he was coherent or notice my emotional state. A fair bit of the time it fell to me to put enough effort into the relationship for both of us.

It was a strain on our relationship, and on me, as was his first year of residency. (And that’s in a pretty benign program–I simply can’t imagine what it would be like in a malignant one.) Between his work schedule and mine, we barely got to see each other, and we were both exhausted and cranky a lot of the time. But it gets better. This year he’s only working 70 hours a week, and it’ll go down to 65 next year. Then when he gets into actual practice, he’ll probably only be working a paltry 60 hours a week. I won’t know how to act, having him around that much.

Why would I put myself through all this? Well, I love him. I think that he’s worth it. More importantly, I think that we are worth it, and I’m confident that he feels the same way. There’s not the slightest doubt in my mind that if our roles were reversed, he’d do the exact same thing for me.

I got naked with a doctor once. All she said was, “Penicillin. Stat.”

I was heartbroken.

Dr. J sounds like a good guy. :cool: Not saying all fit the bill. Even though the training years are hard, there is a Brood X of med student that is dangerous. Know the warning signs! One red flag I failed to mention is when all they can do is talk about themselves without caring much to hear what’s new in your life. It’s not so easy to see when blinded by love. But, objectively…there are warning signs I’d like to share with others in the shoes I once was stood in…and the quicksand, too. Except, it wasn’t quick - making the heartbreak that much more intense. - Jinx

My girlfriend just wrapped up her first year of med school, so far so good. We were both amazed that like 95% of the people broke up during the course of the year, it really puts a strain on a relationship. We had a pretty good understanding, and I basically just let her do her thing, sometimes going a few weeks without seeing her. I expect it to get a lot crazier, but since I’ll be going to college for the first time this fall, I’ll have my own problems for the next 4 to 6 years. :stuck_out_tongue:

Are we lumping PhD’s into this, too?

There is absolutely nothing intrinsically wrong with doctors. Any profession that places large demands on your time and energy is going to adversely affect your personal life.

Back when I was a real-life engineer I was workin 80+ hours a week on really high pressure assignments, and maintaining a romantic relationship proved to be impossible. I had a couple implode fairly dramatically. The job also took a heavy toll on my health, and it got to the point where I just couldn’t take it any more. Some people do well, and even thrive, in that kind of environment, but I’m just not one of them.

I now have a job that’s much less intense and demanding of my time (and also pays a lot less) and my quality of life (especially my love life) is much, much better. You have to do what works for you.

You certainly could. If love is a disease, my doctoral program was the broad-spectrum antibiotic. :frowning:


I expect that most of your problems derive from your own unreasonable expectations of your Dr. Right(s). Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of idiots in the medical field. You just managed to find one or more that fall into the idiot category. Lucky you.

Medical school and residency put great pressures on a couple (note that I didn’t single out the doctor). You either live with it or wash out. If you’ve chosen correctly (and this may be your problem) and are able to bear up under the strain, you’ll get through it just fine. If you are expecting a lifestyle and interaction that closely approximates “Friends”, you should check your own baggage before flaming an entire profession.

Respectfully yours,

CJ Finn “voice of experience - 3 years med school, 3 years residency, 3 years practice, good marriage, two kids, no misery”

Well, I think this applies to an awful lot of non-doctors too :). If the object of your interest seems to be far more in love with him- or herself than s/he could ever be with anyone else, it’s time to walk. Fast. I don’t think those kind of people ever change.

Oh, and Exgineer is right about doctors not being the only difficult profession when it comes to the success of relationships. My husband was in the Navy for the first 7 years we were married, and a good part of it was spent away at sea. Even under the best of circumstances it’s difficult to hold a relationship together when you are apart so much, and the potential for a bad outcome can be fairly high. I remember feeling pretty bad for one of my coworkers, whose only gift from her husband when he returned from a Med cruise was a case of herpes he picked up in France :eek: .

Congratulations to you and your SO, World Eater. IME, the odd-numbered years seem more-stressful than the even ones. The first year is a hell of a transition, especially for those returning to school from the workforce. In addition, it is also academically very stressful. The third year is rotations, which will stress your spouse out again and (probably) separate you for months at a time. In the fifth year (i.e., internship, the first year of residency), you may not see your spouse for a week at a time. Lastly, the first year of post-residency practice is another stressful transition.

As a medical spouse that knew full-well what he was getting into (we married in college), I can verify what CCL says. Actually, that’s not correct. I knew she wanted to go to med school, and there were no doubts about wanting to be with her and support her. But you can never know what you are getting into.

I’ve painted an awfully bleak portrait haven’t I? Here’s better news: I’ve been married to that former med student for 16 years. From college, through post-grad medical lab work, medical school, residency, and practice. I wouldn’t have done this unless, like CCL, I thought my spouse and our relationship was worth it.

I’m sorry you got burned, Jinx. I would say that there are assholes in every profession, but that would sound like a trite excuse. The stress of medical school can bring out the underlying asshatness of a person – the more asshatness a person possesses, the more it will be expressed during this time, but the process doesn’t somehow infuse it in a student.

Is it still all right to date lawyers and Indian chiefs?

Ya know, I think I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that. :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t know much about dating/relationships with MDs but my tip is to avoid actors/models at all costs. They go weeks on end without work then, when they get a gig, it’s all intense and torrid. If they get work on commercial TV, they are public property and it’s hell to be seen in public with them. They’re on stage all the time, even in bed. Their bodies/face/hands are their livlihood, Og forbid any excess in eating, drinking, physical romping and the like. Hair? Has to be perfect all the time, no mussing, ever. Fingernails? Must do them every day. You get the picture. It may not be narcissism but it’s as close as you can get. There can be no let-up in their search for fame, fortune and reknown. Such self-absorption leaves little in the way of sharing or mutuality.

Give actors/models a big miss. An MD sounds tame in comparison.

It’s even worse when you’re an attorney/in lawschool. Then your M.D.-SO spends a great deal of your limited time together yapping your ear off about frivolous lawsuits and lawyer-hate even though you have nothing to do with med mal and likely never will.

dare one generalize further about relationships and human beings?

(I can’t help visualizing the t-shirt: my husband went to Nice and all I got was this lousy case of Herpes)…


Give up models??
My God, man, have you given leave of your senses?

My very good friend’s fiance is an actor, he’s been in some movies and is an important character on a show. He’s nothing like you describe. He’s a very nice, down to earth guy. Self absorbed and narcissisic would be the last two words I’d use to describe him.

When my dad went to Med school they actually took the guys aside and gave them advice about relationships. The profs suggested they marry(the days before cohabitation was even considered) a secretary, since she could support them financially during school, and would type up all their papers really fast. My dad said the profs actually helped set some guys up with doctor seeking golddiggers saying they could always dump her after they get the degree.

Johns Hopkins Hospital had a policy of not accepting interns or residents who were married. That was later amended to allow marriage if the spouse lived out of state.

Spouses were considered an unacceptable distraction from truly training in medicine.

This was back in the 19th century. But that attitude prevailed a long time even after the rules were changed.

(Hopkins Med School was the first to accept women students on an equal basis with men. They did this only because the money necessary for the school to open was withheld unless they agreed to it! :smiley: )