Daughter sneaking alcohol. Response?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife went into my daughter’s room to look for a lost object. She found two empty bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade under the bed. We don’t know if both were drunk by her or by her and her friend that stayed the night a couple weekends ago.

My daughter is 15 and stays with me only every other weekend. I’m not sure how to respond. Sure, I can simply talk to her. Tell her I don’t approve, she made bad choices, etc. However, I think some punishment is due. At 15, though, I have little I can do.

I really don’t know how to respond on this. Any thoughts?

2

I’ll start off by saying I’m not a parent, so take this all for whatever it’s worth to you.

I guess my first question would be whether you’d normally consult with her mother when it comes to disciplinary issues. This might be especially important given that there may be evidence of drinking at her other home. Maybe it’s a bigger problem already than you’re aware of.

As for what to do with her, have you ever talked to your daughter about alcohol before? If not, it might be best to have a talk before jumping right into punishment. But if this has been a problem before, I’m assuming there are privileges you can take away from her. I’m sure that’s not ideal given how often you see her, but if you feel like she’s going down a bad road, what else can you do?

3

Yeah, if you haven’t had The Talk yet, it’s high time. Particularly if you’re keeping Mike’s in the fridge; the uninitiated might think it’s relatively harmless.

Worst, most draconian solution: you might need to pick up a beer fridge with a lock on it, but that’s just treating the symptom.

4

I don’t have specific suggestions, because consequences that work on one kid won’t work on another. You know your daughter better than anyone here, so that’s something you’ll need to figure out.

But a few general points: first, building on what Asimovian said, be sure to figure it out in conjunction with her mother. I think whatever consequences you decide on (if any), both you and her mother need to implement it equally. It can’t be a “dad is so mean/strict” situation. If you don’t have that kind of relationship with her mother, then I think consequences for a first offense do more harm than good.

And having the talk is really important, more important than consequences. You want her to trust you, not resent you. Explain what your concerns are, and why they are valid. Give her useful information. The reality is, she is absolutely going to drink in high school no matter what you tell her now or what consequences you impose. Focus on the biggest concerns (drunk driving, date rape while incapacitated). You can do that while still expressing displeasure for any kind of drinking. But a blanket “never drink again” will just make her do it secretly.

5

Mikes Hard Lemonade at age 15 is (in an of itself) not that high alcohol. At 5% alcohol it’s basically the same alcohol as in a Miller Lite (4.2%). Kid’s experiment, I don’t think I would go ballistic if I found my 15 year had drunk a lite beer. Thinking back I tried various alcoholic drinks in my teens.

I think rather than punishment you need to take this as an opportunity to delve into alcohol issues, pregnancy, STDS etc. It’s a good time to have a talk about the issues with alcohol. It’s also a good time to discuss birth control options as drinking teenagers can make bad decisions about sexual protection.

6

This.
If you suddenly became more responsible on that magic day that you go from 20y & 364d to 21 yo we wouldn’t have any drunk drivers. :rolleyes:
I don’t care what the BS Puritanical laws say, when I have children of an appropriate age, they will have a drink. I’d much rather them learn to drink in a controlled environment & learn that it’s not a big deal than think they have to sneak it, binge drink, & do something stupid/dangerous/deadly.

7

It’s tough to control her so that she doesn’t drink at all. The key is whether she drinks responsibly or not. Obviously she shouldn’t drink, but it’s not like you can totally control her. And if you come down too hard, she may rebel and drink even more. So how you handle it will highly depend on what type of personality your daughter has. How is your daughter doing in school? How responsible is she? Do you think she’s at risk for drinking out of control?

One thing you can be emphatic on is that she is not allowed to give her friends alcohol and that none of her friends can drink in your house. You can get in legal trouble letting another kid drink, not to mention the liability if they get hurt.

If she was drinking with a friend because they thought it’d be fun, that’s one thing. I wouldn’t get too upset about that. But if she’s secretly drinking by herself to get drunk, that’s pretty serious.

8

Is your daughter a problem child or is this a first time thing?

If this is a first time thing and your child is doing well in other aspects of life then perhaps punishment is not necessary. Have the adult talks and let her know if she acts like an adult she can be treated like one.

If punishment is needed then you know what your daughter likes and what would be a serviceable punishment. If it were my kids it would entail taking of electronics and limited time with friends, but that would work for my kids and might not work as well with your daughter.

9

This. I’d seriously recommend against punishment. Especially if you drink yourself. I get that there’s a BIG difference between an adult drinking alcohol and a 15yo drinking alcohol, but good luck trying to explain that logic to a 15yo.

Just talk to her likes she’s a young adult. Tell her your prefer she didn’t drink, but you’re smart enough to know she’s her own person and you can’t stop her from drinking if she has half a mind to. Tell her what to watch out for like Astro says and let her know that if she’s ever stuck somewhere intoxicated, and needs a ride home, or the safety of her father, to please call, no questions asked. Then end the conversation with a hug.

Do that and you may wind up with a daughter who thinks you’re the coolest dad on the planet. Not only that, she’ll be more likely to heed your advice.

Being a cool dad is nice, but when you can get a teenager to actually listen to you… That’s golden!

10

Education education education. Your daughter needs to understand about addiction, what it feels like, what it does to the thought process, and how powerful even the most seemingly inoffensive substances become once addiction sets in. She needs to understand that while it will be going on around as she gets older, it is actually illegal for her to drink now, and there are very good reasons for that. One of which is that studies have shown the earlier drinking starts, the more likely it is to end with addiction. Another is the way that some males will use it to lower a females inhibitions.

At this age kids most often get into trouble with booze if being drunk is the only time they feel happy or relaxed or just like they are having fun.

Talk about types of fun, and which are appropriate at her age. Find out whether she has enough access to fun activities, or if she and her friend were defaulting to booze out of sheer boredom.

Talk about the risk of allowing booze to become a default for relaxation, and other methods to help her wind down from the stress of school, social life and other responsibilities, all of which are increasing enormously at this age.

Ask about whether she is happy in general. If not, why not, and how can you help? Ask yourself how often you hear her laugh, or see her smile? Are you making sure it is often, and that happiness is her standard mode?

Ask about the friend. Does this friend drink often, or was this a one-shot deal? Check for lipstick on the bottle openings, you may be able to tell who drank what, or at least whether two different people drank one bottle each.

I definitely agree with telling her Mom, and discussing this as a family; but I get that this is not always possible. Do it if you can. It seems to me that the hardest decision you need to make is whether to tell the friend’s parents.

Bottom line, make sure she knows that she can come to you with concerns. Don’t let this conversation become angry or scary. Maybe the friend’s parents are abusive, in which case telling them would be a huge betrayal. Or maybe the friend needs help, in which case you can go to the school counselor or your pediatrician if you can’t go to her parents.

Or maybe they just tried drinking for the first time, and only drank one bottle each, in which case she just needs to know where this path can lead, and that you are a safe source of information and guidance.

I would also be very careful about phrasing how the bottles were found. The perception of a step-parent “snooping” in a teenagers room is freighted with potential negatives.

Good luck, and good-on-you for taking this seriously!

11

What are your actual feelings? do you really not want her to drink because you think alcohol is extra bad for kids in a way that it isn’t for adults, or do you just not want her getting in trouble with the law, or in trouble in school in some irreversible way?

If it’s the latter, tell her that. That’s what I’m planning to tell my son about pot and underage drinking. As it happens, I don’t drink (except token amounts on Jewish holidays) because it triggers migraines, and neither his father not I smoke pot, although we’ve both tried it. What I’m going to tell my son is that I think the laws are draconian, but the law is the law, and pot and alcohol are not worth getting into trouble over. He’ll be able to find out soon enough about alcohol, and he’ll just have to take my word on the pot, unless he wants a criminal record.

He is allowed to do anything he wants short of becoming a test case for the ACLU: he can write his congressmen, he can join NORML, he can go to marches and rallies, but as long as the law is the law, and he is my responsibility, he needs to obey the law.

Of course, he has had tiny sips on wine before, so he actually knows what it tastes like, and he’s in no hurry for a full glass. He has had the last drops of his dad’s beer, he’s had a tablespoon of wine in his Sprite on a holiday, and he’s even had kosher wine on Shabbes when there wasn’t grape juice for some reason. He actually prefers grape juice, and I don’t blame him.

I have no delusions that he won’t get drunk some day, and he’ll probably try pot, but there are no addicts on either side of the family (we have our share of problems, but that just isn’t one of them), so I’m not to worried about addiction.

Now, if I had a problem with alcohol in and of itself, my response would be different.

I think the OP’s real problem is that his daughter is sneaking around behind his back. That needs to be nipped in the bud. If she can sneak in hard lemonade, she can sneak in street drugs. If she gets punished, it needs to be clear that it’s for the sneaking around, and not for the drinking itself.

Anyway, my 2 cents.

12

Its just like catching the kid smoking cigarettes and making them smoke a carton, have her chug hard liquor till she learns her lesson. Sorry bad joke, in all seriousness she should be punished and have some of the things she enjoys or privileges revoked until she can prove herself worthy of your trust again. The only problem, that you already mentioned is she doesn’t live with you full time. Will the other parent back you up and coordinate with you to make her punishment consistent?

13

I’m not a parent so take with a grain of salt:

I have been going to AA meetings over the last half year (not for me specifically) or so and am amazed at the amount of stories with family connections to alcohol. Of course there is some selection bias here.

But seems like children of alcoholics have ~8x the risk of being an alcoholic as other people. It’s believed to be around 50% genetic based on twin studies.

Anyway - you didn’t say whether alcoholism runs in your family. If it does - I’d probably handle the situation differently than if it does not.

Other than that - I would support the idea of non punishment - or punishment that was sort of on the light side. Virtually all kids (I’m guessing based on experience - not on study data) experiment with alcohol at some point. Mikes hard lemonade is kinda on the light side, but I’m not sure how much that matters - as some kids have a harder time getting alcohol vs pot - so it might have been just what was available.

Presumably they were drunk by her and her friend - meaning one drink each. If she actually drank these alone I would be much more concerned. I’m assuming she won’t cop to that and will either blame it on her friend or say they both had one.

Some people don’t know it has alcohol I. It. I remember a story a while ago about a college professor (May have even been a place like Harvard) who ended up in a temporary CPS nightmare when he innocently bought his son a mikes hard lemonade at a baseball game or something where there was tons of people around. He apparently just thought it was a cool lemonade name or something.

Some people really don’t understand percentages and stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people thought it was “non alcoholic beer” or something. I would at least make sure she understood what was in the beer - how to figure out the content of an alcoholic beverage - the difference between proof and % - and the “safe” amount of alcohol for a woman (which she of course wouldn’t qualify for yet) - as well as how to estimate BAC based on those charts.

I remember when I was around that age - me and my friend were incompetently trying to pick his front door lock (he wasn’t locked out or anything) with a plastic comb and something else. His father “caught” us and instead of yelling at us (I think he did briefly yell something) - he sat us down and explained how locks worked (he wasn’t a lock smith, but had to key locks due to his job) and the theory behind picking locks. This didn’t turn us into theives and I’ll never forget that conversation.

My parents did use the whole “no questions asked - we will pick you up if you need it cause the driver was drinking”. I never had to, but believed them (and still do), and it was always in the back of my mind.

14

I agree with this. If you haven’t already, it’s time to talk about birth control.

And next weekend that your daughter’s over with her friends, be sure to have a big, strenuous, family outing scheduled for 8am the next morning. Maybe some family volunteer yard work, maybe a little habitat for humanity. Maybe help a friend get his boat ready for the summer! Nothing like a little boating to make a hungover teen regret their life choices.

15

Since apparently the OP and his daughter’s mother are divorced or separated, it would be helpful to understand what the mother did with regard to punishing your daughter, since it was at the mom’s house where the empties were found.

If mom has dished out some form of punishment, I would encourage you to keep in place while your daughter is at your home. That shows that both parents are united in this.

If mom decided not to punish her, and you think that there should be some type of punishment, then talk to her mom. The two of you need to figure this out as parents together.

16

unless you think it a problem, after investigation, don’t tell her mother yet. because you have less contact with her then your daughter might feel able to have more freedom at your house. you wouldn’t want that home and parent situation to be affected if it is not a problem that happens there.

have sensible talk with daughter. let her know of the hazards and problems with drinking at her age. let her know you want her to avoid problems or get guidance to work through them. other teens have to find their limits as they mature.

17

I don’t think you’re reading that correctly. He said his [current] wife found it, not the girl’s mother.

18

You are right. My misread. Makes more sense that the punishment would be more difficult to carry out just every other weekend, unless he was able to talk to girl’s mom and get her to make the punishment consistent at both houses.

I would suggest at a minimum having a frank discussion about drinking with the daughter. Not a lecture but a conversation, stressing the importance of not drinking and driving or being in a car with someone that’s been drinking. I would also add that there is always the offer for her to call you if she’s been drinking or the friends she is with have been drinking and she needs a way home to call you and “no questions asked…no punishment”.

19

Hi. OP returning.

My relationship with my daughter is strained. In large part, it’s because of the visitation thing. I have my other kids 50% of the time, week-on/week-off, and my daughter fought me on this schedule.

Counseling, tears, etc. and I gave up trying to make 50% happen.

I’m sure, when confronted, she’ll say she didn’t know it was alcoholic. It’s an easy defence but, IMO, bogus defense. She knew what she was doing. I’m sure it was just experimentation. They went out to the garage where the soda is kept, the Mike’s just on the same shelf, and one nudged the other and they grabbed one each.

I can probably talk with her mother about this. I’m not 100% sure she’ll believe me or not blame me. She sees herself in her daughter too much, IMO, and mom was a “bad girl” growing up. Early involvement with alcohol, drugs, and sex and she might just expect it in her daughter.

I grew up in Beaver Cleaver’s household and, as far as I know, none of that happened at anything near this age for my sisters or me.

I don’t want my house to be the “safe place for experimentation”; “Better here than out in the world” or anything like that. I want her to obey the house rules which, she knows, includes no underage drinking. That’s what I want.

20

What, precisely, is the problem that needs to be addressed?

[ul]
[li]Mike’s is shitty booze so she may have terrible taste[/li][li]Underage drinking is illegal (if it is)[/li][li]She is too young to drink by some other standard than the legal one, as demonstrated by the fact that she was drinking Mike’s[/li][li]She appears to have acquired a fake ID, and she’s not using it to vote[/li][li]Only people with problems turn to demon rum[/li][li]There’s some background information that makes this seem worse than it currently does to me, e.g., there’s alcoholism in the family, or this isn’t the first time she’s been found altering her consciousness[/li][li]Some other thing[/li][/ul]

By the way, does your wife often go into her room to look for things? Conversely, if “missing” items frequently “turn up” there, that’s an important part of the story.