I’d just like to say that both the Llama and I were certain Alec Guiness died around ten years ago. When some lame news lead said, “One of the biggest stars of Star Wars has died,” we thought it was the guy who played Chewbacca (and that the “biggest star” thing was a pun). I went online to search out the answer, and when I saw it was Alec, we both flipped out–“What?! He died like ten years ago!!!”
We stand corrected.
I think that it’s extremely important that we know exactly who has this power. We need some kind of test or something just in case some of our posters have it and don’t know it.
I’ll try first.
Al Gore died of boredom – he listened to himself again.
Sorta makes ya wanna treat me with a little more respect, don’t it?
Seriously, though, I was extremely weirded out when I heard the news this morning.
This type of thing has only happened to me once before, and it was even spookier.
When I was a teenager (in the 70s) I was watching Monty Python. It was the opening sketch for the Spanish Inquisition, in which Graham Chapman enters the house and says, “Trouble at the mill.” If you know the sketch, you know they have trouble with it, and have to start a couple of times.
At one point, while they’re hashing this out, Chapman wanders into the background behind the furniture and lights his pipe. At that moment, I flashed on the certainty that he would be the first Python to die.
Spooky.
And Gatsby, I am cursed. I thought it was a curse that doomed me to wait forever at the ATM while the person in front of me negotiates a hostile corporate takeover with his bank card, when all I wanted was a lousy $40!! I guess it runs deeper than that, though.
And I want everyone to know I was nowhere near the Grassy Knoll in Dallas.
It’s the numbers in the name, always a dead giveaway. Those number people are always…oh…uh…never mind…
grem
My Jedi mind trick is working indeed. Rightfully is is called the Mojo mind trick–those damn Jedis stole it from me a long long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. Although I am omnipotent and am in fact responsible for the deaths of everyone everywhere, these poor huma-- ahem people believe they are the responsible ones.
Wait a minute. Is this thing on? I keep confusing how to transmit thoughts to their minds with how to transmit words to their computer. Ah yes I remember. My evil purpose will not appear in print as long as I don’t click on that button right here…OOPS (It’s not easy being omnipotent)
Milossarian said:
Surgoshan said:
Steeljaw said:
You foolish mortals. Trifle with me willya? Haven’t you read my profile? I don’t call myself a hired killer for nothing.
VaHermit said:
Ike, I’m thinking about Helms and Thurmond right now. They both are getting up there in age, aren’t they? Too bad if they just up and kicked the bucket, huh? Two dedicated public servants. Yeah. That would be sad.
It really would.
obfusciatrist said:
That’s better. I am pleased with you. Come and sit at my right hand.
Ike, I’ve noticed that both Helms and Thurmond are getting up there in years, aren’t they? It would be sad if two such dedicated public servants just went tits up on us, wouldn’t it?
Really sad.
For a small fee, could I get you to speculate about the deaths of:
Rush Limbaugh
Dr. Laura
Jessie Helms
Slobodan Milosevich
or perhaps you could provide a fee schedule and we could work something out. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
DAVEW0071, so do we just have to ask you, or is there some kind of request form we have to fill out, or what?
Sad to say folks it probably doesn’t work that way. Knowing Finangle and Murphy, he probably has to feel real regret about the fact they are so old. In fact, knowing the way the universe works and how perverse it is, his gloating statements of supposed regret probably just caused them to live a few hours longer.
Well, it’s not like I gave the guy liver cancer, after all.
Look, this is a new-found ability. I think I’m gonna need to take some classes at the community college or find a support group or something to help me get a handle on this.
I’ll get back to all of yez when I get some kind of certification.
We can talk price then, 'kay?
In the meantime, just to be safe, you can all go on treating me with that same endearing mixture of abject fear and awed respect that some posters were hip enough to exhibit right away.
DAVE:
I tremble at your postings. Even before we discovered the full extent of your powers, I knew that you were the leader I have yearned to follow since I gave up on Zarathustra.
Your diction fills me with a special kind of terrible longing I normally associate with Double Decker Taco Supremes: the desire to consume mixed with the horrible foreknowledge of what I’ll feel like a few hours later. But I cannot stop myself; I must read.
If you ever need a minion, I’m there, oh powerful one. I can be anywhere you need me to do your bidding in under a day, for with your magnificent power as my ally, I can accomplish great and wondrous things.
[special note to Eutychus55 or UncleBeer: any chance you could copy this to obfusciatrist and Baglady? No sense not hedging my bets.]
How about Professor X’s private school?
I am picturing the look on the secratary’s face when you go to City Hall and apply for a Psychic Killer business license.
BTW, I hate you for killing him!!! Damn you!! You area bastard. I am not scared of you DAVE !! There I said it! Your puny mind trick cannot effect me! My mind is too powerful! All these other dopers will kiss your ass and worship you, but not me. I am above all that. Go ahead, do your worst!! Let the others take bets on how long I last. I cannot be killed. Guiness was old and weak, he was too ill to defend against your psychic killing ability. I on the other hand, am young and strong. I will not yield to your sorry excuse for a superpower! Maybe you have a future as a pyschic friend operator, but not a psychic killer. Unless you want to make a career of only killing REALLY old and week people!!
Oh, and if a plain crashes into my apartment complex this week and everyone survives but me, that is just a coincidence and has nothing to do with Dave.
Dave, that’s awesome! I thought I was the only one afflicted with this curse. With your permission, I would like to steal this line to replace my own "What are you waiting for your fucking toaster?!"
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Would that be plain like the Great Plain crashing into your house or plain like Jan Brady plain crashing into your house?
Either way I imagine few survivors.
Grrrr… ok PLANE!!
As if that was my only spelling or vB code mistake I have ever made. Keep you eyes peeled, I will make thousands more…
I have a feeling this ant crawling across my desk is going to die very soon…
Gee…so sorry to hear about Rep. Bob Barr’s little accident…(hope, hope)
Gatsby, you can use my line, if you like. G’ahead, g’ahead. Use it. It always makes me feel better.
Bear_Nenno, you just wait. I’ve got my eye on you. The mills of the Dave-Guy grind slow, but they grind exceeding…er…slow.
Knead, I am pleased with you. You make a fine dogsbody. Live long and prosper. No, wait, that’s not Star Wars, that’s Star Trek. Damn. Well, nice job anyway.
I will take any praise you give to heart, O Great One, even if I don’t understand it.
I’m ashamed that everyone wants celebrities and politicians they hate to die. I have bigger fish to fry. Dave look at my post in the [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=20546"]]( [url) Celebrity Death Pool and make sure that everybody it who hasn’t gone to their reward does so forthwith. 
Keith