Tacky headlines of future celebrity deaths

Paul Simon: There Goes Rhymin’ Simon

Across Traci Lords Not of This Earth

Ralph Nader: Un-alive At Any Speed

Abe Vigoda is really dead.

God rules no more recounts for Al Gore.

Is Bill Clinton really dead? Define “is”.

George W. Bush-whacked

Paris Hilton dies… Hallelujah!

Charlton Heston’s hand cold, dead

(mark my words, this will be in the Onion)

The bell tolls for thee, Chuck Barris

RIP Jennifer Lynn Lopez Ojoa Judd Anthony Combs Affleck Timberlake Combs Pitt Lee Combs Federline Combs

Dick Clark’s Ball Descends

Time, History of Stephen Hawking Brief

Aaron Spelling Finally Cancelled

Dan Quayle Ded

Scotty beams up [insert name of next Star Trek actor to die here]

Joan Fontaine dies. Olivia de Havilland wins feud (or vice versa)

Harrison Ford: Han Shot First

Paul McCartney: Now it’s up to Ringo

**Pauly Shore is Dead. Really.

Not-Being John Malkovich**

This time, Paul Really is Dead

Paul Newman in Cold Hands Luke.

Charlton Heston: Enters Food Chain.

  • I’m so going to hell for this…

**Burt Reynolds cast into The Longest Two Yards

Cokie Roberts goes flat

Jerry Seinfeld unable to do “stand up”**

Judy Garland Not in Kansas Anymore

Generalissimo Francisco Franco says Chevy Chase is Now Dead
Gerald Ford Stumbles for Last Time
Reports of Kurt Vionnegut’s Death not Exaggerated

**Jimmy “Good Times” Walker is dyin’tonite!

Silent: The singer formerly alive as “Prince”

Suzanne Pleshette’s voice to drop six more feet**

John Edward Finally Able to Communicate with the Dead

Paris Hilton Actually Accomplishes Something

Regis Philben Gives Final Answer

Maureen McCormick: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia Is Dead, Dead, Dead

Shelley Long Gone

Catherine Bach Pushing Up Daisy

Survey Says Richard Dawson Dead

**Zagged: Zig Ziglar

Ben Stein? Ben Stein? Ben Stein?

Ken Lay’d to rest

Dan is Rather dead**