Dealing with a little girl that just won't sleep in her bed

In My Humble Opinion
21

What’s going on with her when she comes in? Is she scared, upset or almost asleep? That would suggest different solutions. For instance, you could make a little nest outside your door - she’s not allowed to come in and wake you up (she should be old enough to understand that) but if she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed there’s a blanket and a toy and a torch by your door for her to snuggle up with.

I also wonder if she’s night toilet training and she’s being woken up by a slightly full bladder. Could you take her to the toilet at 10 or 11pm (my 4 yr old does this really without waking) and relieve the pressure?

22

I would add to my post that I understand that there may be underlying issues to her need to sleep with you and those should be addressed in the light of day to better understand where she’s coming from and to find solutions that will work for her.

For instance (just spitballing here), if she is terrified of being alone, you could promise to sit in the room with her until she’s asleep and then tell her that you will leave at some point. Once nothing happens when she’s alone, she’ll hopefully get over her fears.

My experience with this was with 2 year olds, so there wasn’t a lot of meaningful discussion or exploration of psychological triggers.

23

With your magical ability to diagnose behavioral issues via the Internet with only a cursory amount of knowledge about the situation you should have your own show. At least on public access.

Meanwhile, the AASM-certified physician I consulted a few years ago explained that poor sleep habits and life-long insomnia is often the result of developing poor sleep conditioning in childhood, and left to their own devices many children do not learn good sleep habits, especially if there is an underlying behavioral issue or environmental stress. He explained that our modern 8 hour/day sleep cycle is not a natural cycle and has to be learned and conditioned, and that failing to learn it in early childhood may result in sleep difficulties through adulthood, especially when the resistance to sleeping is due to an unaddressed anxiety or psychological issue such as night terrors. This is not some far out, wackadoo suggestion by some naturopathic herb peddler; this was a physician trained in one of the Top 20 medical research schools and board certified in sleep research and therapy, backed up by decades of research on sleep disorders.

Difficulty in sleeping is not like other normal obstructive or control-related behaviors in childhood like refusing to clean up after themselves or eat nutritious food. It is something that most children will despite inclination to be disobedient just because of basic biology and the need children have for sleep. It may be that the child described by the o.p. is just being willfully disobedient, but it may also be that she is resistant to sleeping by herself because of some anxiety or issue that she is incapable of describing or even fully conceptualizing. Nothing the o.p. has described doing really addresses that possible aspect.

The method described by Honey, which reinforces and conditions the need to sleep in her own bed, is likely the most effective approach, and gives the parent the opportunity to see whether there is anything else that may be disturbing the child’s sleep. Just telling her to go back to her room and sleep is not providing any kind of conditioning or training, and is about as useful as telling a child to fly to school. Creating a ‘nest’ or some kind of intermediate solution is probably just drawing out and exacerbating the situation without making it clear to the child what the expectation for sleeping arrangements is.

Stranger

24

It’s going to be a painful week. Start on a Friday.

First, as everyone suggests, find out the “why” - scared? Lonely? Address these if you can. I let the family cats sleep with my children. My sister started putting her small dog on her youngest child’s bed when this came up. I also recommend a " white noise" machine. My son listens to “rain”. My daughter listens to “ocean”. Turn it on a bed time and leave it on all night.

Second, establish a routine. Do the same things every night, in the same order, to get to bedtime. Brush teeth, put on jammies, hop into bed, read a story, sing a goodnight song (or say prayers or??). Then lights out. Both my kids have night lights. My son has the door open, my daughter has the door shut. I kiss them goodnight, using exactly the words every night, and I leave.

The first week you may want to start with sitting next to the bed for 10 minutes, then 7, then 5, etc. just wean it down. Tell her when you are leaving. Do not steal off. She will come to find you.

If she gets out of bed, put her back into bed. I used to sing the song again, then the kiss and the phrase. Then leave.

You must keep taking her back to bed. Do not stay more than a few minutes or that will be the next, new normal. Back to bed. Repeat the end of the goodnight routine. Hug, kiss, tuck in. Off you go.

The first few days will be hard, but she will adjust. The routine helps immensely.

If she is nervous, I found it worked wonders to simply tell my son, “you are safe here. I (we) are in the house. Nothing will hurt you. This is a safe place. You are safe.” This is not the time for coming clean about house fires or home invasion. Just tell her she’s safe.

If you don’t have a pet you can leave with her, I also found a stuffed animal that had a heartbeat (or purr), when it was hugged or leaned on.

Good luck… Stand firm.

25

What time is bedtime? Maybe it’s just too early for her? We’ve moved from a fixed time year round to a sundown model, especially as our almost-5-year-old daughter’s room gets the afternoon sun. So she’s not even going to bed until just after 8 (summer’s nearly here in the Southern Hemisphere).

I read both kids to sleep and stay for a few minutes after lights out. The 19-month old can be a bit of a challenge - last night took almost an hour, he just wouldn’t give up wanting more books, playing with things, getting up and trying to open the door, until finally he got bored with me ‘sleeping’ on his bed and gave. His big sister’s a lot easier, fast asleep before I’d finished a chapter of her current book.

26

I used to keep a futon and sleeping bag in my kid’s rooms. I would go into their room with them and sleep on the floor. Not in their bed. Initially next to them, then further towards the door. After a few weeks the sleeping bag went on my floor and they were invited to sleep in the bag in our room - but not in the bed.

Also, consider sleepovers - does she have a friend who can spend the night on Fridays? When you have a friend in your room, it isn’t so scary, and you look like a wimp if you run to mom.

27

Have you tried reading her a book at bed time and no TV or internet before bed
time. This can get a kid wired up. What about a nice stuff animal to hold to while sleeping ? Does she have nightmares or are the bedrooms so far part that your daughter feel that she all lone in the house? My daughter wanted to sleep me once in awhile but not every night. If she had a bad dream she could climb into bed with me. It was like sleeping with a barrel of monkeys . LOL!

28

Get professional help to determine if there are sleep issues. Night waking may be physiological versus psychological. I have a daughter with horrendous sleep issues associated with her autism. Believe it or not, there are kids with real sleep issues and all the standard sleep routine, wake routine, back to sleep routine, lock 'em in the attic best practices in the world are worth jack shit if that is the case.

I would *highly *suggest first speaking with your pediatrician and if it seems warranted be referred to a pediatric sleep specialist (your Children’s Hospital should have a clinic). They can do a full on sleep study (we did that a few months ago and the clinic explained they have done this on as young as a week old baby).

There are some very mild drugs that have been used for decades that help with sleep and minimal/no side effects. Melatonin might be effective. The sleep clinic will also provide you the education for tried and true methods for behavioral related sleep issues.

Anyhoo, go to the pros and not the Dope for a real medical diagnosis.

In our case, better living through chemicals has made a world of difference in the life of my child and our entire family. 5 years of sleep deprivation is a burden that you, and especially your child, should not have to live with.

29

Get a kitty cat she can snuggle with. Make sure she is the person to hand-feed the animal so it prefers her.

30

Now you have two critters that don’t sleep through the night.

Not a good plan.

Ref old programmer joke: “I used RegEx’s to solve a problem. Now I have two problems.” A special case of the more general “when in a hole, quit digging” rule.

31

It’s funny, but I actually was about 5 once, and I remember snuggling with kitty for this very thing.

32

We did something similar to what Honey did, and it worked well. I also second the suggestions to check in with her pediatrician, if you haven’t already.

33

@Habeed: I’m all for cuddling. I sure had a stuffed something-or-other I loved when I was that age. It’s the “alive” and “nocturnal” parts I’m objecting to as a grown-up. Mostly tongue in cheek.

34

Yeah then if someone found out she could have her child taken away.
If everything was tried I would bring the child to a doctor , something is keeping the child from feeling safe at night . I hate to say this but if she is going to school I would ask her if anything is happening there . I know a child that was too afraid to sleep alone b/c one of her crazy neighbor was telling the girl she was going to HELL and be burned alive b/c she didn’t go to church .
Her mom was bullshit when she found this out.

35

Being a doormat is also on the list of underlying problems. You can either raise children to age appropriate standards or add another bedroom to the basement for your future adult children.

This is a 5 year old.

36

Doormat is certainly a contender, but if it is physiological then doormat is completely asinine.

Again the OP should bring it up with the pediatrician and/or get to a pediatric sleep center for the sake of his kid, and the sanity of the household.

37

WTF? Bedroom door locks in a family house? Is that normal?

38

When we bought our house in 1994 every single bedroom door had a lock and the master bedroom had a keyed lock. We change the door knob on the Kiddo’s room when he was born so he could not lock himself in.

39

A load of the responses in this thread would make sense if the problem was at bedtime, but from the OP I don’t think it is. He says:

From that, it sounds like the problem isn’t her bedtime routine, or her not feeling safe in her room, or anything like that. It sounds like bedtime goes OK. The problem kicks in when she wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn’t know what to do about it. That’s why I said it sounds like a sleep problem more than a behavioural one.

40

I was going to say that this is VERY common in 2-year-olds. I never had children, so I may be mistaken here, but it seems to be much more common in girls than in boys.

As for what to do about it, I have no idea what might work best for the OP.