Dealing with beautiful people

In My Humble Opinion
21

Movie stars don’t do it for me, really. But I ride the bus to work, and just about every day, a young woman gets on. I swear, she must be the most physically beautiful person I have ever seen. Just stunning, gorgeous, perfect features, nice body, everything. I have no business talking to her, and I never will, but gawd, she makes me feel like I’m in high school and can’t muster up the courage to talk to the pretty girl I had a crush on. I’ve heard other people she knows talking to her, and she seems very nice, personality-wise, too. So I understand the way the OP feels, I think. This girl is so deadly beautiful, she scares me. Even if I were in a position to do something about it, what could I possibly say or do that wouldn’t totally embarrass me, make me look like a dork and ruin my chances to know her? That’s how I felt all through puberty, and even afterward.

I know it’s stupid. I know nothing is ever going to happen regarding it. Even though I never have to worry about it, the feeling is nonetheless real. Pretty women make me so nervous…

Damn, she is fine, and I’m sure some young man is going to be incredibly happy to be her husband.

22

I had a few thoughts reading this thread…

People don’t think they are as pretty as you think they are…maybe with exception of those strange packs of pretty girls that are hired by liquor companies to whip bar patrons into a frenzy with their baubles and tequila discounts.

People aren’t as pretty as you think they are. Look at any picture of Oprah sans makeup and hair and then the cover of her magazine…now that is an art and one hell of an artist. Add this with spray on tans, wonder bras, body slimmers, nice fitting clothes and you can be a hottie too.

I am a beautiful person–at least I was. 5 years ago I was 10 pounds lighter and didn’t have those “cute” little wrinkles around my eyes. But even at the height of my attractiveness–I still looked like hell in the morning. Hell. I look like hell right now…messy pony tail, miss-matched PJ’s, glasses. But this afternoon for a party I’ll be dressed and hair curled and have some makeup on.

Do people treat you differently? You bet. In my corporate gear, a lot of older folks think I got where I am for being pretty–until they realize that I work my ass off and help them solve their problems. In my sweats at the store, people are sooooo nice to me. Helpful, smile like I deserve to be treated nicely. If I’m geared up for a date with my husband though–I feel like I’m wearing someone elses skin. Girls give you dirty looks (TEENAGERS gave me dirty looks–WTF?) men stare at your boobages, and people actually seem to talk a bit slower.

But, it is never going to change, is it? People are always going to feel “not good enough”. At least I’ve never met someone who was so comfortable in their own skin that they don’t have down days.

23

Oddly, they are just as insecure, too. :smiley:

No, I’m not one, but I bartend and I know them. They’re from local modeling agencies. And there are very few people more insecure than people who make their living off their looks.

Food for thought.

24

Can you elaborate? My father has been telling me this for ages, but could never be bothered to explain properly.

25

A tan?! :rolleyes: This is some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard. Yeah, cause skin cancer is soooo attractive. Plus it makes your skin age a lot faster, so people who don’t tan look better when they get older. Tans, working out, dressing better–all superficial, and won’t make you more attractive if you still feel the same way inside.

ArrMatey, I’m not convinced you’re as ugly as you think you are. Everyone is attractive in some way.

Beautiful people aren’t any better than you. We assume that because people are better-looking than we are, somehow they’re better people, and that’s just not true. A lot of what we think are good looks is really clothes or haircuts or makeup–things that are really superficial and take a lot of time and money to maintain. I could look better if I spent more money on clothes and worked out more, but I have more interesting things to do with my time and money.

So how do you talk to attractive people? The same way you’d talk to anyone else. Don’t make assumptions about the kind of person they are before you get to know them. I’m uncomfortable around certain types of people. I just have to remember when I’m talking to them that there’s a reason why I’m uncomfortable, and the more uncomfortable I am, the more nervous I get, and it goes downhill from there. If I don’t worry about what they think, then I don’t get nervous, and I can talk to them like I’d talk to anyone else.

Some people might not like you because you don’t fit their standard of attractiveness. That’s their problem. If they judge you based on your looks, that shows that they’re shallow and probably not worth knowing anyway. So it saves you the trouble of getting to know them better before you find out that you really don’t want to be friends with them.

26

I can elaborate on that. When you make your living from your looks, it’s a double-edged sword. Some women are extremely competitive, and will hate you on sight, men will either love you or they will be rude to you as if you are just an animal with nothing else going on for you but your sex. And there’s always the worry of aging. No one stays young forever. But, if you make your living from your looks, you usually don’t have a very long window of opportunity. For some, it’s ten years, for others, it’s 15. Still, it will end at some point.

And then there’s the endless perfectionism. If everything isn’t perfect down to the toenails, then many women don’t feel attractive at all. And it’s hard not to compare yourself to the newer, younger models. A few extra pounds, a bad haircut, sagging breasts; these are things that many people can live with, but for someone like myself, it’s just not acceptable. I’m 31, and I still feel compelled to pose for pictures, go to nudie competitions, and dance in the club occasionally. I thought I could walk away from it, but I never could. It’s just ingrained in me that my self-worth is tied into this body and face.

It’s kind of a shitty way to live, that love/hate relationship with yourself. Knowing that other people often only take you at surface value, even though you have other important qualities. But, other times it can be great with all the attention and confidence it brings.

I always wonder what would have become of me if I had never set foot in a strip club. I’d probably just think like a normal person and I wouldn’t be obsessive about my looks. I might have realized I was attractive, but I doubt it would have ever exploded into what it did. I would probably have learned to have confidence from other things. My sister is beautiful, but she doesn’t realize it–IMO, that’s real beauty. I’d hate to see her become an egomaniac like me. It’s not really cool at all.

27

Thanks, Indygrrl. That was enlightening. I would like to say, however, that the way it comes across from your tone here, you certainly don’t seem like an egomaniac. Maybe you’re different in RL, but here, you’re cool.

MagicEyes, a good tan can take a few pounds off instantly, and I nowhere did I instruct him to fry his skin to a crisp on a tanning bed. I’ve used the illusion to keep friends going to the gym on a consistent basis. Working out, as well, can be very psychologically rewarding. If you think you look better, you’ll feel better. It’s not the most wholesome approach, I know, but I think it’s important for one lacking in self-confidence to be provided with training wheels. Bodybuilding helped me break out of my shell in high school; I’m certain it can for him.

28

Meh. Syntax.

29

I think I need to second this. Insecurity has nothing to do with your hotness relative to the hotness of those around you; it’s all about your own perception of yourself. I’m a reasonably cute person myself, but for most of my life, I’ve felt totally beneath everyone else’s notice. I didn’t feel ugly, exactly; I just felt invisible. Certainly I never felt attractive. I could have been around the most beautiful of beautiful people or the ugliest trolls ever dreamed up; it didn’t matter. My problems were all on the inside.

I don’t know how to fix this for you. For me, it required therapy and medication (granted, I had more problems than just feeling unattractive). Everyone’s different, and I don’t know what will make you feel better about yourself. Whatever it is, I hope you find it.

30

I’m guessing you’re young, so you’re not too worried about what you’re going to look like when you’re over 30. When I see tan, I don’t think “Wow, he looks good,” I think “Skin damage!” I know a lot of people who are paying the price for getting some sun, and that’s not pretty. Some people think tans look good, but a lot of people think it doesn’t look good and it’s not very smart. What’s the point of doing something that you think makes you look better now, but will make you look a lot worse when you’re older? And people who spend a lot of time working out are nice to look at, but by the time you go to work and then go to the gym, there’s not a lot of room left for anything else in your life.

31

I don’t think he was suggesting the guy become a bodybuilder with a tanning bed tan.

Working out can have a place in anyone’s life. Who doesn’t have 30 min. to take a walk? It’s great for you on a number of levels and it doesn’t mean you ahve to spend your life in a gym. If you don’t have any time left after work and working out, then you are spending entirely too much time at work. But, workouts are a matter of priority, if you don’t care, then you probably won’t be able to find the time. If you do, you’ll squeeze it in wherever you can.

As for the tan, a little sun looks good on most people. But, rubbing yourself in baby oil and sitting on the beach is not advisable. You can put sunscreen on and still get a little glow from being outside. I don’t buy that sun=evil. There are ways to be smart about it.

32

I’ll second the idea that telling someone to go to the gym isn’t telling them to waste all their time on their body. Excercise makes you feel good on so many levels. It gives you more energy, it can help you to sleep better which also improves your mood, it releases endorphins which make you feel good, it helps ward off heart disease and certain cancers later in life, and it may help prevent dementia as you age. With all those benefits and completely disregarding that it might make you feel better about how you look, why in the world wouldn’t a person exercise??

33

I’m one of those guys who has no body part that I can’t find fault with. No, I’m not a perfectionist, and I’ve got a real healthy self-esteem. It’s just that I don’t have “nice eyes” or “nice legs” or “nice hair” or “nice” anything else. Everything works, and that’s about it.

Back in 1987, I had just come out of a difficult relationship, and decided to put a personal ad in the local gay paper. I described myself and what I was looking for, and got about 20 responses. One of them totally eclipsed all the others. Everything he said about himself was **exactly **what I wanted to hear, including a lot of things he had no way of knowing from my ad.

When I called him, I was quite overwhelmed by the entire conversation. He was smart, funny, warm, humble, charming. and seemed to be genuinely interested in me. When we agreed to meet, I started dreading that first moment when he’d see me. I pictured him as being this unbelievably gorgeous man, and started to project how he’d react when seeing how un-gorgeous I was.

When we finally met, he turned out to be so incredibly beautiful, I wanted to just turn around and run away, rather than having to deal with an inevitably awkward rejection. But then I decided, “What the hell, nothing’s going to come of this, but why not just enjoy being with this guy, even if it’s only long enough for him to make an excuse to leave.”

He came toward me with a huge smile and open arms, and made me feel that he was just as happy to be with me as I was to be with him. We talked for a while, then got something to eat, after which he invited me back to his place.

While we were making love, he told me that I was, in many ways, very much his favorite type, and he appreciated the fact that I didn’t assume he was looking for someone like himself. He said that most of the guys he was interested in were too easily intimidated, and didn’t know how to relax and have fun, without worrying about all the “what ifs.” He also told me that he didn’t see anything wrong with me that really mattered.

What I learned that night was that this man, whose physical beauty made me weak in the knees, was even more beautiful on the inside. We’ve been together monogamously for over 17 years now, and I’m constantly amazed by how utterly beautiful this man is - on the inside, where it counts. And it took me a while to really understand and accept his love for me, and to be totally secure in our relationship.

And the amazing thing is that now I’m happy with the way I look, simply because **he **is happy with me, including the way I look.

So, ArrMatey!, your problem isn’t the way you look. You don’t have to have “beautiful” body parts, but you do have to be open to the possibility of meeting someone (beautiful or otherwise) who appreciates you for the person you are on the inside. And who knows, they might even like the way you look, too.

34

Sadly, everyone continues to remind me that it’s what’s inside that’s important, and that I need to like myself before others will like me. I find the people who tell me the first thing are the ones who haven’t had to deal with this problem. I’ve found also that the second thing… Well… I just don’t see it changing. I’ve never had good self-esteem, except for one very odd year of my life, and I don’t expect to ever have it again.

So, in essence, if that’s the trick, I’m sunk.

35

No one here seems to be acknowledging the fact that good looking people are treated differently than others. A few days ago, I read a study which measured the percentage of “good looking” toddlers vs. “ugly” toddlers were buckled into shopping carts. The difference was quite high. In addition, the “ugly” toddlers were allowed to wander further from their parents, etc. I also recall studies that looked at how much help pretty, thin, young women got vs “plain”, overweight young women got when pulled over for mechanical trouble. (I think they cars were given flats.) And of course we all know that tall, good looking men are more likely to be promoted etc. than short, squat, unattractive men.

On Saturday, I took a run with a friend of mine who is, to quote a woman seeing a picture of him shirtless, “built like Tarzan”. My very attractive neighbor couldn’t help flirting with him. (I’ve never actually heard a woman flat out say about a guy she just met, and who is part of the conversation, “He’s very sexy standing there.”)

We have all been trained to know when someone is “out of our league”. I’m not a bad looking guy, I make a good living, have a sense of humor and all that, but, if single, I would never hit on an Angelina Jolie. (Ok, maybe I would, but it would be sheer chutzpah and an understanding that the odds of “yes” are much higher if you actually speak.) Likewise, Brad Pitt would stand a much better chance seducing my wife than Danny DiVito.

36

My apologies if this would be considered a hijack. Isn’t or wasn’t there a club for really beautiful people, who wanted to meet other really beautiful people who wouldn’t be intimidated by their looks? It was part social club, part support group, I guess. I always wondered who decided who got in, etc.

37

ArrMatey, you CAN improve your “self-image” (I don’t much like that phrase but can’t think of a better one) regardless of your age or circumstance. You can learn to be happy to be you, at any age, at any time of your life. You can do therapy, or you can find something you love to do and not care if you’re good at it and just get swept up in doing it and forget what a loser you are until suddenly you’re not a loser. Just don’t assume that how you feel right now is how you will feel forever. One GOOD thing about aging (one of the only) is that you discover that you never stop changing.

38

There really isn’t a trick or a shortcut. If you dislike yourself that much, probably the only thing that would help is counseling. You can buy all new clothes, have plastic surgery out the wazoo and work out for two hours every day, but that won’t make you feel like a better person. And then you’re still relating to other people on the basis of looks–you’re a better-looking person, so they’ll treat you better than they’d treat a not-so-good looking person. If that’s enough for you, good–but in the long run, you’re better off if you can like yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve for people to treat you badly regardless of how you look. I’d rather know that people like me for who I am, and not what I look like.

39

Like others have said here:

Don’t get intimidated. The way they look is just skin and muscle. The real person inside is just like you- they’re insecure about things- most likely the way they look.

They fart and belch. They get diarheea(sp?). They pick boogers when people aren’t looking.
In my experience with the beautiful people of both sexes, the truly stunning can often be very down-to-earth, eager to please and nice. I think so many people are intimidated by them that they are paradoxically starved for affection in some ways. I used to work with one of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, who was in the swimsuit calendar, no less, and she was a truly nice, sweet girl, who tried extra hard to make sure everyone was happy.

Now the people who are very attractive but not stunning are the ones who usually have attitudes in my experience.

40

You saying that reminds me of this man I used to be friends with. He is a college professor, nice looking, but he thinks he’s hideously ugly and that no one would ever have anything to do with him. No amount of trying to pump him up worked. He would complain that he had no friends (even though I tried my hardest to be a friend to him). And he pretty much wallowed in his own self-pity.

I hope this isn’t the case with you. If you never bother to take anyone’s advice, and you’re just settled into this self-hatred, then you should probably get professional help. If you say things like this and ignore all suggestions, then yeah, life looks pretty bleak.

And I’ll tell you what I’ve told him a million times, just because someone is good looking doesn’t mean they don’t have problems. He would tell me that I could never understand. But I’ve dealt with hardship too. Beautiful people have a slight edge, but that’s about it. Looks only carry you so far, and then you’re on your own like everyone else. Romanticizing the lives of others will only serve to upset you.