What are your strategies for dealing with difficult people?
For me, what I find is that what bothers you the most in others tends to be the things that bother you about yourself. Often, when someone rubs you the wrong way, it’s because they hit a little too close to home as one of your flaws.
For example, I had an acquaintance who was very insecure. She drove me up the wall- she’d cry out for attention, pout, put on shows in front of others, etc. I just had a really hard time being around her.
Of course what was really going on was that the obviousness of her insecurity made me fear my own security was equally obvious. She was everything I feared I was, and it bothered the hell out of me and made me want to avoid her if at possible. Notice it’s rarely the feckless drug addicts that bother us. It’s the girl who talks to much, or the man who is too nosy. These are the people who get under our skin. In them, we see an ugly version of ourselves.
With this knowledge, you can better understand why you perceive that person as being difficult, and you can use that perspective to come up with more rational ways of dealing with them rather than getting emotional.
My advice probably isn’t the best to listen to. When someone rubs me the wrong way I bluntly tell them so and ask them to stop that particular behavior. I see no point in trying to ignore it and if they aren’t aware that it bothers you they are never going to stop.
Now with that said I do try to adjust my behavior if I am doing something that I know is a bother to others. I might not always be succuessful in doing so, but I do make an effort.
I’ve heard the philosophy in the OP dozens of times and I think it’s trite. It’s easy to say “remove the beam from thine own eye before removing the speck of dust from thy neighbor’s” because it’s a good lesson to teach and removes the blame from either party, but it’s not the only reason people become annoying to you.
I dislike Princesses, as a general rule. I dislike them because I abhor shallow people who draw attention to themselves and talk endlessly about subjects centering around them. I also dislike people who are materially motivated and think they are better than others because daddy’s rich, or some other garbage. I am in no danger of doing this myself!
I also can’t stand people who exaggerate stories about themselves in the hope that people will find them fascinating, dangerous, or what have you. I think people who do this are kind of sad because they seem to crave approval, and annoying because they’re obviously full of shit and they expect me to swallow said shit and be all fawning towards them. This type of person is practically my polar opposite.
As to how I deal with them – I try to understand their motivations and then I stay the hell away, because life’s too short and there are tons of other people to hang out with and loads more serious problems to worry about.
Yeah, I side with Elysian on this one. In my experience, I find it relatively easy to get along with people who are like me, while the people who rub me the wrong way do so because of ways they are unlike me.
I’m with Elysian. I can deal with the people who have the same flaws as me because I can empathize with them. When it comes to people who are just nasty in ways that are bewildering to me, I deal with them by a) being as nice to them as possible, b) avoiding them whenever I can. Being around difficult people drags you down. It’s not worth it to keep up these relationships.
Screen their calls, block their instant messages, respond with only basic and brisk courtesy when they talk to you, and be coincidentally busy every time they ask you to hang out.
The best strategy is to not worry about whatever their personality flaws are. Making them a better person is presumably not your problem. Focus on what it is you want to achieve and work on that.
For example, let’s say you have a co-worker who you need to produce some work for a project. And you know it’s going to be difficult because she’s incredibly lazy. Don’t try to fix her laziness - that’s probably an insurmountable task. Just focus on getting her to produce the work you need from her - that’s a manageable goal. Once you’ve squeezed the work you need out of her, walk away. Don’t worry that she’s just as lazy now as she was before - that’s not your problem.
And use the same approach to larger issues. You can’t change other people - you can only change yourself. You can do something about your own insecurity problems, but you can’t fix somebody else’s insecurity problems. Help her if she wants to be helped but don’t take up the responsibility for her problems.
I find no one difficult; probably because I’m perfect but I can’t be sure.
Actually, I just remember that if something merely irritates you then it’s not important. That’s not entirely accurate in fact: I have to remember nothing, I just can’t be bothered to be irritated.
I get what you’re saying overall, but I find I’m the exact opposite. The people who drive me nuts tend to be radically different from me. I occasionally find it endearing when people have flaws similar to mine. Maybe I’m just a raging narcissist and I like people who remind me of me.
Heh, one of my most universally disliked coworkers admits this is her mantra. She figures if she’s mean enough, nobody will bother her and she can do whatever she wants to do…which isn’t much.
Unfortunately for her, TPTB is right on her tail. One more write-up and she’s fired
I agree strongly with “you can’t fix other people”. For years I tried to offer advice and hints to my friend to help with his problems, all to no avail. I realized that he has to find his own path.
