I could use some advice, maybe a script of what to say, to deal with my mother’s unreasonable demands…
As an example, she’s now demanding the phone number of the friends I’ll be staying with next week. I’m forty years old, ferchrissakes! Besides, she has a history of abusing other people’s contact info - often trying to get them to get me to do something.
Her fallback justification for this entitlement is, “But I am your mother! Why would you [maintain boundaries/hold different priorities/think independently] with MEEEE?!” This justifies anything, in her mind.
Any phrases I can repeat to counter this?
Advice doesn’t have to me mom-specific, since other people have a boss, roommate, spouse etc. who simply won’t accept “No” and badger you stubbornly for whatever they want.
The only thing that works with these people is a flat “No,” and you must not budge an inch. If you cave in after repeated nagging, that sends an even more dangerous message: *“All I have to do is badger **purplehorseshoe **hard enough, and she will cave in.” *
So just say “No” once, and then move on. When she continues demanding those numbers, give none at all.
Edit: That advice only works with moms and roommates. With a boss, I’m not sure, since he/she could jeopardize your job. A spouse might need a more surgical/deft approach too. I’ll leave that advice to more qualified Dopers…
“Mom, I will not give you <Jason’s> number, it is not mine to hand out. If you need me, you have my cell number, just call and if I do not answer immediately, leave me a message and I will call back as soon as I get the message.” If she keeps whining, keep repeating the exact same thing.
This is of course assuming you have a cell. If not, just tell her that you will call her once per day [morning or evening, not sure which would be better] and that you will see her when you get back.
I learned with a friend from Long Island with serious boundary issues that you have to be firm and lay out exactly what will work and offer the max you will allow [the one call a day during the week or the ability to call your cell and leave a message]. My friend had originally the habit of not realizing that while I worked odd hours, in that framework I had to be in bed and asleep so I could get up and make it in to work. She knew my schedule, and I made sure that she could leave me voice mail and email, but no phone calls between certain hours. <I finally had to break the friendship off because she started slipping and really screwing with boundaries, she started showing up at the house during my sleep times and calling around to my other friends to find me if I wasn’t answering the phone at home.>
I don’t have a phrase, just a technique. Be as polite as possible. Once you get angry and start being rude, they have the advantage. You just need to keep saying no as politely as possible - don’t yell, don’t lose your cool.
“I’m sorry, I’m not going to be doing that.”
“No, I’m afraid that’s not going to work for me.”
“Yes, you’re my mother and I love you, but I can’t give you that number.”
It’s very hard for someone to pull off a big angry rant against someone who is being sweet and polite – they sound like a jerk and they know it. In the right circumstances, sincere politeness – not sarcasm or passive aggression – can be a very potent weapon.
I have a problem with the phrase “won’t take NO for an answer.” If that’s the only answer you give her, then she can take it or leave it.
If you mean “won’t take NO for an answer without giving me a shit-ton of grief and guilt,” well, that’s on YOU now, isn’t it? And only you can solve it by not taking her guilt trip for an answer.
Good advice upthread. Here’s mine: The two of you have to talk about a lot more than her unreasonable demands. I’m not saying you’re wrong about this, but you have to admit that it’s a more urgent problem to be 40 years old and to seek advice on a message board on how to deal with your mother. Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings and I’m sure I was at least as exasperated at 40 with mine as you are now with yours. Respect, friendship and love are things that can’t be asked for or demanded, and when they’re missing, confrontation is sometimes the only choice, especially with family members. Rather than to seek a head-on collision, what you should do is to try to figure out how both of you have gotten into this situation. You’ll know why you’ve put up with it and whether or not you’ve given her reason to act the way she does, but you might have to spend a lot more time trying to figure out her side of the story. Nobody can script this for you. What’s often at the root of these things is that the other person has been treated unfairly by others (she by her mother, for example) and the resulting frustration is being taken out on you. If so, she might not even realize what she’s doing, and from what you’ve said, I gather that it won’t be easy to get her to come around. Best of luck. It sounds like you’re going to have be the adult for the two of you.
I went gallivanting around Europe in the early 1980s, and “not being able to get in touch with Spoons” drove my mother crazy. I was in my early twenties, there were no cellphones, and overseas calls cost a fortune. Prior to leaving Toronto, I did let Mom know where I would be staying in London before my flight home in a few weeks, and its phone number, but when I checked into my place in London the night before I left, there were no messages. I guess Mom just hoped for the best, and I’d be on my British Airways flight to Toronto the next day. Which I was.
If I had to check in with Mom every day, as aruvqan suggests, then I’d be dealing with a Mom who hasn’t yet realized that her babies are now adults. Sometimes, Moms need, as mine did, a lesson that their baby is now an adult, and I was able to prove that after that trip. No cellphones involved.
Parents teach us a lot as we grow up. But sometimes, we need to teach our parents that we are adults when we do grow up. OP, tell your mother “No. That’s Jason’s number. It’s not mine to give out. I’m 40 years old, I’m an adult, I make my own decisions and do as I please. You can call me if you want, but don’t be offended if I ignore you. And no, I won’'t be calling you unless I need to speak with you.”
I’m going to disagree with all this (this is going to be one of those threads isn’t it? … a dozen people, two dozen opinions…) but I think the very LAST thing **purplehorseshoe
** needs here is a long involved conversation with her mother about their differing expectations and goals. Because clearly what we have here is a situation where one person is very experienced in wearing the other person down and substituting HER goals and needs for THEIR goals and needs. A deep involved conversation is just going to let that process happen again. Purple’s mother’s wishes are not reasonable. There’s no discussion needed - she just needs to accept that
Put the privacy shoe on the other foot. “I’ll give them all your numbers, in case of emergency. They might be touchy about having their numbers given out.”"
CaptainAwkward.com has some great discussions about reining in/corralling boundary-pushing people, and the dynamics of “but Faaaaaamily…!” I’m fortunate to have a pretty low-drama life but even I’ve found some good scripts and tactics there.
Stories there can also be a damned good reminder that my life could be A WHOLE lot worse.
You only need one phrase (to be repeated a few times before hanging up the phone): not gonna happen. Right before you hang up, say, “I’m not discussing this. The issue is closed. I’m hanging up now.” Don’t give any reasons, because reasons just invite discussion. Don’t argue, don’t justify, don’t jump in the pit where she wants to tangle with you. If it’s your safety that’s at issue, you can say, “I’ll give Mary Lou YOUR phone number and if I croak off, she will call YOU.” Otherwise, just don’t get into it and don’t listen to ANY of her reasons/arguments. Be strong. ACT like a 40-year old, not a 12-year old, k? After all these years, you must know that nothing you say is gonna change her mind. Hell, I’VE never met her, and I can tell you that. (That’s ThelmaLou’s toughlove.)
You can’t be “reasonable” with her because she’s not going to be reasonable.
She isn’t the problem. You know she is going to be unreasonable so you need to adjust your behavior. You can’t reason a toddler into good behavior and you ca my reason your mother into accepting normal boundaries.
As others have said, you need to learn how to say “no” and stick to it.
Several people have given you good ideas. “I’ve said ‘no’ and this is the end of the conversation.” Then hang up.
There isn’t anything magical that you can say to convince her to accept your boundaries. You just have to be firm.
No one here is suggesting purplehorseshoe burn her mom bridges. She’s not cutting her mom off or refusing to speak to her. She’s saying no to one request that past experience has shown to lead to problems.
I’m curious about your reaction. Do you see it as “burning bridges” when you say “no” to someone?