Mom, why are these things so difficult to understand?

The BBQ Pit
1

You are, basically, an intelligent person. So why is it so difficult for you to comprehend that:

  1. I don’t want to have long, drawn-out discussions about messy, contentious family issues when I am at work.
  2. That goes double when I am under deadline pressure at work, and/or when my boss is sitting in my office.
  3. I pretty much don’t want to shoot the breeze with you in general (or with anyone else, for that matter) when I am at work. So if you call me to ask a quick question, please get to the point in, oh, at least 2-3 minutes or less.
  4. I am at home most weekday evenings, and have told you hundreds of times that if you want to talk to me about anything that is not time-sensitive, an emergency, and/or requires more than a yes or no answer, you should call me at home, not at work.
  5. If something is really an emergency, and I am not at my desk when you call, leave me a voice mail that actually explains why you are calling and what you want me to do about it. Otherwise, I am going to ignore your message until it is more convenient for me to do something about it, i.e. when I am not at work or otherwise committed.
  6. I know you are unemployed, and your time is rather flexible at the moment. That does NOT mean that mine is. I’ve been putting in fair amounts of overtime, plus I have my own stuff to take care of (as you would know if you saw the boxes still in my dining room from my move, which was 2 months ago). If you yell at me and/or hang up on me when I tell you I am too busy at work during working hours to deal with your issue right then, I am not terribly likely to call you back immediately. Therefore, you are not going to get what you want. So stop calling me at work and yelling at me.
  7. When you yell at me and/or hang up on me, no matter how ludicrous the reason, it gets me upset. When I am upset, I am not productive, and I make mistakes. When I make mistakes, everyone suffers, including people who don’t deserve it (like the poor people whose visas I’m trying to work on). I would like to remain employed, so stop calling me at work and yelling at me.

If you can’t deal with the above restrictions, I will completely refuse to pick up your calls when I am at work. That’s why we have a receptionist, in part: so employees can actually get their work done.

And furthermore:

  1. I’m sorry you lost your job, really I am. You have no idea how sorry I am. However, since you have not asked for job-hunting advice (which I’m not qualified to give, in any case, and which you probably wouldn’t listen to if I did provide it), don’t you think it’s a better use of your time to look for a job or handle your household issues than to call and give me unwanted advice about my job and/or household issues?

  2. How is it that you are a frail senior citizen when you want me to help you with anything requiring physical exertion, but when it comes to hiking, canoeing, or cross-country skiing, you are suddenly in excellent physical condition?

  3. How is it that you are overwhelmed with the mundane details of your life and of job-hunting, but you have time to take two long weekends to go camping in the past month?

Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

2

Hi Eva. I don’t know if your mom actually reads this board, and this really is a memo to her (doesn’t sound like it, but she might be a member and you don’t even know it!), but I’m going to assume you’d appreciate our sympathy. You’ve got mine. I don’t know what it’s like to have your mom, but I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the difficult issues above. My mom has her own issues of course, but nothing like these!

3

Aren’t mothers capable of providing infinite irritation? When mine does her crazy-making stuff to me, I recite my Mother Mantra[sup]TM[/sup]: “She punches my buttons so well because she installed them.”

Sounds to me like you need to stop taking calls from mom at work, though, till she learns the boundaries!

4

Oh, Lordy, don’t get me started on mothers again! :wink:

But if I might add some items to my own memo:

  1. Any comments about my childlike behavior in regards to an argument with my husband (which, incidentally, has nothing to do with you) are instantly nullified when you then phone said husband to try and fix things. It’s like telling your child to grow up when you’re still wiping his ass and rocking him to sleep even though he’s 30 years old (and not retarded, ill, or in any way debilitated).

  2. Invoking the Worry Clause (i.e., “You know I’m a worrier, so you cannot [fill in the blank–Example: be away from home or fail to answer the phone when I decide to call you]” is getting really tiresome. I’m 33. I’m married. Continuing in this vein:

  3. If you try to reach me and can’t reach me, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY HUSBAND MAY HAVE KILLED ME. Yes, I did meet him on the internet, and yes, we do sometimes argue, but let’s be reasonable: We’ve both known him for a good year now, you like him better than you like me (in fact, you instantly assume that any and all arguments with him are my fault), and people who meet people on the internet are not all psychopathic axe murderers. If that were the case, I’d be one too, now wouldn’t I?

That’s all for now. I feel better.

5

Hmm. Maybe Skip’s mom should read this. I’m sure she’d be interested to know her daughter in law is an axe murderer…

:wink:

6

Eva Luna, it sounds like you really need to have the receptionist screen out your mother’s call for one solid week. If you have caller I.D. at home, consider not taking her calls there either. At the end of that time, call your mother and let her know exactly what the new boundaries are. It’s sort of like a system reset. Let’s hope your mother can get a clue. Her jeopardizing your career is neither motherly or polite, it’s just downright rude.

7

It could be much worse she could SHOW UP at your job everyday.

My mother does this, sometimes more than once. I have ask, demanded and begged her not to do this. But she informs me that it’s not like I have a real job. I’ve worked at the community library for 22 years. However since “All I do is type” it’s not real work to her.

She has to bitch to me and all my co-workers about everything that has happened in our family. Over and over again.

Trust me on this mother none of my co-workers give a flying fuck what your ex son-in-law and the crazy bitch he lives with are up to, and since he hasn’t been a part of the family for 17 years neither do I.

8

Oh believe me, I’ve tried all that. I’ve tried “Mom, I’m not going to return your calls, either, unless you tell me why you are calling.” There have been times when I returned her calls and even she didn’t remember why she was calling.

I don’t have caller ID at home, but believe me, I’ve seriously considered it for this reason alone. Actually, I think things would be greatly improved if Mom were dating someone. Anyone know a nice guy in the Chicago area with socially conscious politics, perhaps a bit artsy with a beard and Birkenstocks, who wants to date a nice 60-year-old woman with Jewish mother tendencies? (She is a Jewish mother, after all; I suppose it’s genetically programmed.)

9

It’s amazing how annoying parents can be.

I’m not the best person for advice, but would it help if you rang her on a couple of arranged nights, or even every night?

10

Perhaps we should get your mother and mine together for lunch.

I do like my mom…honestly, I do. However, living together when we’re both adults - it can get very touchy sometimes. I’m a grown woman, used to paying my own bills, eating when I want and where I want, going to bed when I want, getting up when I want…etc. She doesn’t quite understand that.

She and my dad have been away for a week and just got back last night. Out come the guilt trips about what I’m eating. I have gained a little weight since last year and I know I need to get back on the wagon - I lost a good deal of weight two years ago. But I haven’t gained THAT much weight back, and I know that I need to have the right mindset to get back on the wagon. Every time I eat something…“You really need to watch what you’re eating. We both need to get back on our diets. Do any of your clothes fit right?” and ad nauseum, ad nauseum. I found myself sneaking a snack last night and realized I’ve become fifteen again and sneaking food.

We’re going to have a chat about it this week. For one, it makes me feel like crap when I already feel bad enough about gaining the weight.

Mothers.

Ava

11

my mother is fantastic.
She’s on of my best friends
she treats me as a person, not a daughter
i treat her as a person, too.

my dad on the other hand, is a complete adn utter prick.

fathers.

(exasperated).

12

Well, my dad certainly has his prickish moments, too (one of them involved a subpoena…long story), but they are generally out of clueless neglect rather than overinterference. At least he seems to understand that now that I am 34 fucking years old, I have a better understanding of how to run my life than he does. Plus he knows better than to bother me during working hours. Perhaps this has some relationship to the fact that he is still gainfully employed, and Mom is not.

No wonder he and Mom didn’t make it over the long haul. They have absolutely nothing in common.

(And no, I’m not willing to call Mom every night. I don’t think such an arrangement would work, anyway. The whole problem is her desire for instant gratification.)

13

mm. See, my mom had a nervous breakdown when she was 42. I was 15, then.
She went into psychoanalysis, realizing that if she did not confront her problems they were going to keep on haunting her,e and she did not want to keep feeling the way she did.
She had enough guts to do it.
She’s a balanced women with lots of interests and hobbies and friends, and even though my dad is a prick, she still married to him, they still live together.
Goes beyond me, but I don’t criticise her as it’s her life.
She does not owe me anything, and likewise does she understand that she cannot make me feel as if I owe her anything either.
She just happened to raise me in such a way that I realise she’s a very special person, love her to bits, and i’ll do anything in my power to make her happy.
And you know what? the fact that I’m happy, is her best reward.
or so she says.

i love her. She’s the best.

maybe you can ask for a refund for yours?

:slight_smile:
just kidding. Hope things’ll work out with the 2 of you.

14

I can totally sympathize, Eva. Not about mothers (mine doesn’t call at work), but about the phone - I hate answering the phone, and am likely to let it ring at work and at home cause I just hate talking on it to anyone. If anyone I knew thought I was dead cause I didn’t answer the phone, we’d have to have a little discussion about “my phone, my phone bills, my choice.”

15

Don’t get me wrong; I love my mom, too. One would be hard-pressed to find a more empathetic and concerned person. Concern, however, can be a double-edged sword. Mom always did her best to make sure my sister and I had everything we needed, and whatever extras she could scrape together the money for, and she did it basically all by herself (with pitiful child support from Dad and occasional help from my grandparents, who probably would have helped her a lot more if they hadn’t lived 800 miles away). I have a lot of respect for what she managed to pull off in the child-rearing department on extremely minimal resources.

However, she seems to have difficulty respecting that the umbilical cord was cut long ago. I think one of the funnier moments in that department had to be the summer after I graduated college (out of state, BTW, which meant I’d been on my own for 3 years, including a stint in a foreign country), and 2 weeks before I left for a semester in the Soviet Union. I met a guy (a strolling troubador from the Renaissance Faire; don’t ask), an was leaving to go on a date with him one night. I left Mom his name, address, and phone number, promised her I would be escorted to the front door when I got home, and told her not to wait up for me.

Well, at about 2:30 am, he escorted me home (by bicycle, as neither one of us had a car). He watched me lock my bike up in the basement and made sure I got upstairs safely. I walked in the front door, and lo and behold, there was Mom in the doorway, half-awake, stark naked, and very pissed off. Her first words were “You’re grounded, young lady!”

I protested that I’d done everything she asked me to do, so what was the problem? Mom: “Are you going to tell me that that guy biked you home, watched you lock up your bike, and made sure you got up the stairs OK?” “Absolutely.” “Well, I don’t care. It’s late, and it’s dangerous outside.” “OK, Mom, next time I’ll just stay over until it’s light outside.”

Well, I managed to get up and make it to work on time the next morning. Mom didn’t. So what good did all the worrying do her?

16

I can understand, too. My mom’s not unemployed, but she’s a contract nurse and her schedule varies from week-to-week. As such, it was hard to convince her that she can’t just call me during the day for a chat.

A couple years ago, she’d call me at really goofy times. I had a class at 8:50 AM, which meant I had to be on a bus by 8:30. Of course, she’d call at 8:20. One Friday night she called at 11 PM and seemed pissed that I was well on my way to being drunk. I had to tell her, “Mom, I’m a senior in college, and you’re calling at this time on a Friday night. You’re lucky I’m even home.”

17

Oh, boy, does that one strike a chord! OK, granted, she knows that I spend a good portion of each day putzing around on the internet. I’ll give her that. But there’s a big difference, if you ask me, between Things You Can Do At Work That Make It Look Like You’re Working and Things You Can Do At Work That Make It Obvious You’re Not.

She always seems to demand the latter of me (in light of the fact that I’m so good at the former). I can’t tell you how many of her sentences have begun with, "Listen, you’re going to need to take off work . . . "

The best one was when my sister came into town with her 5-month-old twins, and my mother told me that I was going to have to take off work to come babysit them for an afternoon.

Why?

Because my sister had a hair appointment, and my mother had been invited to someone’s house to play cards.

So apparently I was the only one with nothing “important” going on. :dubious:

Oh, and Eva, I can sympathize with your getting grounded as a college grad. Before I went to college, I had a strict (and, I might add, early) curfew. The first time I visited home from college (Thanksgiving of my freshman year), however, and I wanted to go out, I asked my mother what time I should be home.

“You’re grown,” she declared, as if I were a bit daft for asking. “You don’t have a curfew anymore.”

Well, Right On, I thought, and for the next couple of years, felt the freedom of an adult in my parents’ home.

That all changed, however, when I turned 21 (and was old enough to drink legally).

Suddenly, when I was at home, I not only had a curfew again, but if I failed to get out of the house by about 8:30 or 9:00, I was told that I shouldn’t be going out this late, anyway.

And don’t even get me started about what life was like when I moved back home (briefly, until I could find a place) at the age of 29!

Actually, though, my sister (who lived with my mom as well) was much worse during those months . . . Anytime I went out, she’d wait up for me . . . in my bed.

And boy did I catch an earful if I made her wait too long! :eek:

18

Sounds like your mother is lonely and living her life through her daughters.
she needs some interests of herself, and yes, maybe a companion.
Still, the fact that she cared for you for so long should not make you feel guilty. You were her responsability.
I’m not saying you should cut ties with your mother or anything like that, I’m saying that you should not put up with emotional blackmail like this.
She should see that, too.
She should get out and live a little.

She’s lonely and afraid, I think.

If I were you, from now on, whenever she does start yelling again on the phone when you tell her it doesn’t suit to talk to her right then, you hang up.
And don’t feel bad. Sometimes (well, a lot of the time) it’s kids that educate their parents, you know.

19

**elfje, ** oddly enough my mom does have tons of friends, and tons of outside interests. She does ceramics, she goes out to hear live music, she goes hiking and canoeing…although I do wish she would start dating more actively again. Honestly, she probably has a more active social life than I do.

The funny part is that when I tell her she should call me in the evening when I’m not at work, her response is frequently “well, I’m busy and won’t be home/have the time.” Apparently telephones don’t exist anywhere except in her apartment.

And believe me, I do hang up on her sometimes. By then it’s too late, though; I’m already upset and distracted.

20

hmm, that’s a difficult one.

It doesn’t sound as if she’s selfish either, ie, puts herself and her concerns before you. Strange.

Tell her to write you a letter.
It takes longer, does not disturb you, and then she can think about what she has to say, too.

:slight_smile:

I really don’t know. Hard one.
Hope you can tough it out.