To my roommate's mom

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Mrs. Roomie,

Because there is a slight chance that my roommate might be reading this, I will not greatly insult you here. However, there is something that needs to be brought to your attention:

My roommate is not a child anymore.

That’s right! She’s in college; she’s been here for quite a few months, now. She has learned, to some extent, to survive without you.

Now, I understand that you have this “set” calling time, and that you enjoy communicating with your daughter via the telephone. I also know that you’ve talked to her at least once this week, and that my roommate initiated the call. You have not been entirely without communication.

Be that as it may, you have a right to be slightly annoyed. I think that anything more than that is overkill, though. And certainly the proper course of action in this situation was NOT to call at 11 o’clock at night and complain to your daughter’s roommate.

This extends to all overbearing parents; please, have the decency to let your kids go. I know it’s hard, but you end up acting like total asses. You don’t need to get pissy. You don’t need to “check up” on your kids. They don’t need to provide you with excuses when they’re not in their dorm rooms.

Get. A. Freaking. Life.

Sincerely,
Gabe

2

cc: my dad.

3

Yeah,

I too hate it when my parents show me that they love me.

4

Well, I would sure not be too happy about my parents if they called at 11pm to complain about me to my roomates!

5

It sucks that AotL got a phone call at 11:00. That however, is the only complaint AotL should have.

Perhaps your next open letter should be to children who allow their parents to be overbearing? Maybe it should be “Dear Roomate, please stand up to your mom if thats really what you want”?

Cause the way I see it, its none of your buisness how over bearing this woman can be to her child. No offence, but you need to get a freaking life if you feel a need to be butting in.

6

No, if a parent thinks so much of themselves that they start controlling other children’s lives, its their problem, not the kids who are telling them to knock off.

Should AotL have to try to placate her roomie’s overbearing mother? No.

7

Showing that he loves me is not something my dad best does by calling me up and harassing my roommate into telling him what I’m doing, or calling up at all hours of the night (or morning), any more than a boyfriend could “show that he loves me” by the same behaviour.

I guess moving out was insufficient to demonstrate a rather powerful drive on my part for privacy, but maybe he’s just slow on the uptake.

8

At the risk of sounding like Ann Landers, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. I fail to see why the conversation is a problem:

“Is my daughter there?”

“No, I’m sorry. She’s not. May I take a message?”

“Well, where is she? It’s 11 o’clock!”

“I’m sorry; she didn’t say. May I tell her you called?”

“But how could she be out at 11? Where would she be? Doesn’t she appreciate the fact that…”

“I’m sorry, I hate to cut this short, but if I don’t get to sleep now, I’ll never make it through Calculus tomorrow morning. I’ll leave her a note that you called. Good night!”

The mother may regard you as rude. What of it? You’re not the receptionist. You need not engage in lengthy colloquies with every caller.

So what’s the problem?

  • Rick
9

I wish I had discovered the SDMB when I was in the dorms, because I had a very similar situation.

My roommates mother drove me nuts. Here’s when I knew it would be bad:

It was the first weekend in the dorms. After we moved in, we had someone come and install lofts for our beds. Angie’s mother told her to make sure to get a safety rail, so she did. Because it was the first weekend, there were all sorts of fun activities at night. I didn’t go on this particular night, because I started a new job the next day and I wanted to make a good impression. It was around 11 PM (yes, this was before I realized sleep was a luxury in college), and the phone rang. We didn’t have an answering machine yet, and I was feeling lazy. I thought “I’ll just let it ring.” Silly me. I counted the rings–it got to seven, which is when I hang up–and kept on ringing! So I decided to bite the bullet and get it. Once again, silly me–it was my first time getting down my loft in the dark, and I stepped on my wheeled desk chair. That slipped out from under me, leaving my hanging. I eventually got down, and the phone was still ringing, so I answered it. It was her mom, who only wanted to make sure that Angie got the safety rail. Yeah, that couldn’t wait until the morning, could it?

Angie was stupid and gave her mother a copy of her class schedule. She was also stupid and told her whenever she had a test or quiz. So everytime she did, her mom would call her immediately after and grill her about how it went. And since I studied in the room more than anyplace else, I always ended up having to talk to her. Here’s another story:

It was spring and nearing the end of the semester. I was working on a report on my computer. About this time of the year, some pranksters got their jollies off of pulling fire alarms. So that set me back. After that, Angie walked in (I hadn’t seen her all day), dropped off some books, picked up some other ones, and left. Shortly after that, her mom called. Here was our conversation:

Me-“Hello.”
Her-“Is Angie there?”
“No, she’s not. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know where she is?”
“No, I haven’t seen her all day.”
“You haven’t seen her! Is she okay?” (in a panicked voice)
“No, no, no. Let me clarify–I hadn’t seen her all day, but she just came here to drop off some books and pick some other ones up. Then she left.”
“Is she sick?”
“She didn’t look sick to me.”
“Well, you see, I was out of the house this afternoon, and when I got back, I saw on the caller ID that she had called when she was supposed to be in class, so I thought she might be sick. Or maybe the dorm burned down or something.”
“If it had, why would I answer the phone?” (I was thinking aloud–I really didn’t mean to say it. I was just thankful I didn’t mention the fire alarm)
“Oh, ha ha, I suppose that’s true. Tell her I called.”

It turns out that Angie had a lab cancelled and that’s why she called her.

I lost touch with her after we movied out–she had two roommates the next year, I wounder how they dealt with PsychoMom. I felt sorry for Angie in a way–her mom never trusted her or gave her any sense of freedom. But then, Angie never stood up for herself, so she was to blame, too. And Angie wasn’t even the first of their kids to go to school–she had an older sister. That reminds me–the sister’s fiancee broke off their engagement that year. I think it was because of the mom, but that’s just me.

10

[slight hijack]

Amen to that one! My mother wanted me to call her every day when I first moved out… I don’t think so! Then she decided to call me every day instead… not that I don’t like talking to her, but I can only take so much of her vibe, you know! At least she doesn’t call me six times in one afternoon/evening anymore to tell me trivial things that could have waited! Her usual excuse when she calls? “Oh, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Sometimes I have other things to do, and try telling her so nicely; she doesn’t get the hint, so occasionaly I will have to hang up on her! (which doesn’t usually work, as she’ll call back demanding to know why I hung up on her… of course, when SHE hangs up on ME, it’s all right! :rolleyes:)

Art times, she wonders why I sound so “impatient and rude” on the phone; hello, Mom! I do have other things to do, you know! (like making other phone calls, which I obviously can’t do when you are on the line and are tying it up!)

Not that I don’t want to talk to her, but still… it gets annoying!

[/slight hijack]

I don’t have roomies, so their parents will not call me comlaining about their behavior, but I can understand the frustration that Angel of the Lord is feeling right now. Sorry for venting in your thread, but I just had to get it out, or else I’d explode!

11

Oops, sorry about all the typos and errors in that last post! Maybe it’s time for me to think about going to bed… I had a three-hour nap earlier (like 15 hours ago), and it’s done wonders for my state of mind, obviously… I’ve been able to stay up through the night, and it’s 7:20 AM now! I think my typing starts to go when I’ve been staying up too long… “to sleep, perchance to dream…”

12

I’m going to take the opposition side (but just a little).

Mom is expecting to speak with daughter at a certain time. This is planned out in advance. Daughter and Mom don’t speak. Mom is off the wall worrying (same way as when children break curfew). Why? Because Mom doesn’t know what is happening to the (should be) most precious thing in her life. It’s tough enough on a daily basis, but when you have a schedule and one doesn’t make it, imagination takes over, and it’s never a pretty thing.

If daughter is going to miss a scheduled phone call, then she should inform Mom before the call. That’s the adult thing to do (although, in her defense, I meet far too many adults who do not show this common courtesy).

She should not take out the missed phone call on the roommate, though. But she might just have been worried.

13

If her mom expressed her desire to communicate and her annoyance at not-being called solely to my roommate, that would be one thing. It would be none of my buisness.

She, however, decided to complain about my roommate to me. This thusly makes it my buisness. FTR, the call went something like this:

“Hello?”
“Is (insert roommate’s name) there?”
“Um, no, can I take a message?” (I didn’t recognize the voice, and her mom sounds pretty young over the phone).
“This is her mother. I’m mad that she didn’t call me tonight.”
“Um, she hasn’t been here all night–”
“Is she okay?!”
“Yes, I just saw her at church. There were a lot of meetings tonight; I’ll have her call when she gets back.” (This is true: my roommate had been, since 4 PM, at a service frat meeting, at dinner, at study group, and at Mass).
“Well, she has a cellphone! She should have called me.”

This “cellphone” comment was what clinched it. What the hell was my roommate supposed to do?

Roommate: Hi, mom? How are you? Oh, I’m fine, I–
Priest cutting in: Take this, all of you, and eat it, this is. . .

:rolleyes: Not that I would put it beyond some people to do this, but I digress. . .

At that point, I ended the conversation by saying that I had to get back to my research paper (true). However, her mother’s overbearing-ness got to me, and since I had to deal with it, it was my buisness.

Additionally, I reacted more strongly because my father has a tendency to do the same thing. It got to the point where I had to tell him “hey, if I haven’t called in a few days, you’re free to call me, but I’m probably legitimately busy and haven’t had a chance to call.” He originally wanted me to call home every single day.

Heh. Yeah right.

Also, D_odds, my roommate had informed her mom that she was going to be too busy to call. They’d talked two days ago. I found this out from my roommate after she called her mom back.

14

Didn’t pick up that in the OP. In that case, these two need to work on clear communications and, at least in Mom’s case, remembering schedules.

P.S.
I wrote as a concerned parent. My step-daughter walks home from school and is supposed to call the instant she walks through the door. When she ‘forgets’, we get very worried (of course, we know when she is to be home, so if the call is more than 10 minutes late we start calling her.) When you have children, the whole outlook on being late and missing calls changes from when you were one. I realize now why it was such a big deal to my own parents. [Plus, when I visit my mom, she’s not comfortable if I don’t ring in when I get home…the job never ends]

15

It’s like Bricker said, you made the choice to have the phone call go on as long as it did.

You could have easily said you were studying and that you had an important study group over. end of call.

You say your roomie is an adult, but I don’t get that indication because it seems like this is a pattern from mom (judging from your OP). Roomie needs to tell mom plainly to knock it off if it really bothers her.

And Medea’s child,

I agree that AotL should not placate the mom. My whole point was that any overbearingness in the realationship has nothing to do with AotL and therefore AotL has no right to ‘bitch’ about it. Bitching about a phone call is one thing (and understandable) but bitching about other people’s lives is another.

16

I’m probably going to be laughed at, but whenever I go downtown, my mom asks that I take her cell phone and let her know I made it downtown (bus didn’t break down, or anything).

I just do it. It’s not a hassle. But I also know that if I forget, she won’t flip out on me.

17

I am totally living in extended adolescence land where my parents boss me around like I am sixteen (I’m almost 23) but I chose to live with them until grad school, so it’s my fault. But I feel your pain Guinastasia-my parents make me call at 11:30 if I’m out on the town (just so they know I’m not dead)…and even though I don’t technically have a “curfew” they make my life a living hell to the point where I have given up going out. Which is okay with me anyway because there’s only so many times I can drink to excess and smoke like a fiend and spend more money than I should before I get bored with it and realise that I am a.) po and b.) about to take on huge educational loans.

oh, but one point I want to make about the OP. My dad also used to call me every day of college but this was primarily because

a.) my dad works out of the house as opposed to his head office because he wanted to raise me and my sister and spends much of the day on the phone anyway. To him it’s like normal interaction…like saying hello to someone in the morning.

b.) the phone calls were like when I say hello to him in the morning/evening now…I mean he would call, say “hi” and then be all “anyway, talk to you later.” I mean, he didn’t really even want to know about my life or anything or butt in, he was so used to just “checking in to say hi” from the phone-whether to his colleagues when he’s working in the house or to us when he actually goes on the road that I think he did it almost instinctually because he likes to hear people’s voices to feel sort of “connected” because he spends most of the day alone, in the house, working by himself. Especially since we grew up and went away to school.

Anyway, it’s sort off of the subject but I just wanted to share my anecdote because everyone gets majorly freaked out and acts like it is the 2nd coming and I am Carrie reborn and my head will spin around and I’ll ruin a prom or something because my dad called me something like 4 times a week during my college years. Except that my dad called me 4 times a week during college to say “hi” and never bullied me unlike my friends who got called once every week or two weeks but every call was a major fight/Inquisition. It’s really hard to speculate on others people’s relationships-although your roommate sounds like she has a sort of overbearing mother. But oh my god, try not to interact with her/get involved because then your life will be a living hell!

My .02 random cents on it.

18

Sigh. I’m in my twenties. I haven’t lived at home since I was 18. However, everytime I travel (which is usually every other weekend) my father asks me to call him and let him know I’ve arrived safely. I know my dad is just being a dad, so I call him, but at the same time…Dad, when you were my age, did you call your parents every time your ship got into a new port to let them know you’d arrived safely?

19

I think i’m gonna be an intensely overbearing parent when I get around to having kids. My parents are the complete opposite and sometimes I can’t fathom how they manage. All through middle and high school I would leave the house at odd hours without a word, spend the night at a friends’ house without giving them a call, etc…, often when I returned they would ask me to call next time, but I never did. At the time I just thought, “cool”, but when I try to imagine having kids, I can’t imagine being anything less than scared out my wits.

I went on a road trip with a few friends this summer. Drove across the country and back in time for classes. Two of the kids tried to call and check in ever few days but it was no big deal. One of the kids had to check in every single day, and it wasn’t really that annoying, but it did seem strange. I, holding true to form, didn’t call my parents once on the trip and it was actually a few weeks into school that I finally called. Again, at the time I just didn’t think about it or feel the need to call so whatever, but damn… if my kids are like that I’m gonna go crazy.

20

Probably.

I’m 40 (nearly 41) and whenever I travel I call home to let my father know I’ve arrived safely. And when my fiancé comes to visit me from Germany, I have him call his mother when he gets here, too. Forgive me for saying so, but a) that’s what families who care about each other do, and b) how much trouble can it be to pick up the phone and say, “Hi, I just wanted to let you know I arrived safely.”?

If there’s anyone in the world who understands about having an overbearing mother, it’s me. We barely got along most of my teenage years and into my early twenties. Nothing - and I mean nothing I ever did met with her approval. She didn’t like the job I had (the office manager for a third party freight broker), I didn’t make enough money for her (all her friends’ kids were making way more money than I was - the shame!), what vacations I took, how I decorated my own apartment - N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Oh sure, I didn’t allow her to control or manipulate me - I kept my job, took the vacations I wanted, etc. But her constant interjections about how I could be doing it better was thoroughly wearing on my psyche. We went long periods where we didn’t speak at all.

Then one day – to make a very long story (that I just deleted) short – sometime in my mid-twenties, on the advice of a trusted friend, I started calling my mother every day.

And you know what? I never got along better with my mother in my life. Perhaps because she didn’t feel left out of what was going on with me, she didn’t feel the need to tell me how to live my life anymore. I also told her straight out how she made me feel when she said certain things to me - and gave her specific examples so she’d understand. And guess what? She stopped doing it! We ended up having a wonderful relationship.

We don’t talk every day anymore.

She died only a couple of years later.

Call your mothers (and/or fathers). It won’t kill you, trust me.