God damn it woman why do you wait until everything is a fucking emergency?

The BBQ Pit
1

I got an email from my mom about ten minutes ago.

It includes things like…

"First I need cigs BADDDDDDDDDDD. My Internet order hasn’t arrived"

This is first mind you and the most important.

Coming in second is…

"Next I need milk and bread, if you could get me a gallon of milk and two loaves of wheat bread I sure would appreciate it :slight_smile: Also big Lawson chip dip and BIG bag of chips :-)"
And the third is…

"I called in all 10 of my Rxs" blah blah blah, new prescription card, blah blah blah, A listing of every medication, blah blah blah, what each price is blah blah blah, they need the new card to fill them, blah blah blah, it needs to go to the pharmacy TODAY!

Why does this woman wait until everything needs done right now. I don’t care if she just needs milk or a light bulb changed or her garbage taken out. It all needs done NOW or in most cases sometime yesterday. Can she not see she is getting low on things? She knew she had a new rx card on January 2nd but now it is a big deal since her meds run out tomorrow.

Ahhhh I want sometimes to answer that I am busy and her problems are going to have to fucking wait since she did not even attempt to plan things ahead of time.

I know I sound like a shitty daughter but god damn it just once can you call and say that you need something before you need it like NOW!!!

Why should your lack of planning become my problem? I wanted to go right home after work but now I have to shop around for cheap cigarettes, stop at the corner store and take your new prescription card to the pharmacy.

I am sure that none of this was needed two days ago when it was the weekend.

Fuck! :mad:

2

So I assume she’s unable to get around on her own? Hate to say it, but if that was the case with my mom, it’d be off to the home for her.

Someone get this old person smell off me!,
Woody

3

[QUOTE=SomeUserName]

“First I need cigs BADDDDDDDDDDD. My Internet order hasn’t arrived”

This is first mind you and the most important.

Why should your lack of planning become my problem? I wanted to go right home after work but now I have to shop around for cheap cigarettes
[/QUOTE]

How about just NOT BUYING HER Cigarettes?

4

[QUOTE=InLucemEdita]
How about just NOT BUYING HER Cigarettes?
[/QUOTE]

How about buying her LOTS of cigarettes and expedite the solution to this problem?

Anyway, I’ll bet the OP’s mom has always been like this and she ain’t gonna change now.

5

How about --I dunno–TELLING her that you need 24 hours notice because you have a life, too? Don’t phrase it that way, but seems to me that shouldn’t be too hard. Or just tell her: I can get the cigs etc tomorrow by X time etc.

Sounds like Mom is bored and doesn’t plan well, so everything is “urgent” (my inlaws do this–they used to tell me that they couldn’t babysit for an hour in the morning because s/he had a doctor’s appt at 2pm. I’d rather they’d just have said, we don’t want to…).

Limits and boundaries make good families, as far as I’m concerned. YMMV.

6

Do you live with your mom rent-free?

7

First, why is this your problem?

Are you her caregiver? Because if you ain’t, it ain’t.
Secondly, if you decide to make it your problem (which is mighty Christian of ya), why do you have to shop around for cheap cigs?

Is she on a fixed income that is taxed to breaking?

If she ain’t, she gets cigs at whatever cost they are in the shop on the way home.

Heck, even if she IS, then she gets her budget’s worth of cigs at the shop on the way home, and then she’s gotta make those last.
And thirdly- anybody who says, “Emergency! Emergency! My prescription meds are NEEDED this INSTANT!!! [sub]oh, and some chips[/sub]” gets their prescription meds and that’s IT. Even if they’re giving away free chips with the purchase of prescription meds.

8

Actually, it sounds to me like your mom is trying to wait until she needs a whole lotta stuff before she troubles you to help her get it (hence the list). I’m guessin’ you’d rather not have heard two days ago she needed meds, then the next day bread and milk and finally today when her (expected) internet order fails to arrive as planned, the cigs?

9

[QUOTE=woodstockbirdybird]
So I assume she’s unable to get around on her own?
[/QUOTE]

You are correct. She no longer drives and is not capable of walking anywhere.

[QUOTE=InLucemEdita]
How about just NOT BUYING HER Cigarettes?
[/QUOTE]

I normally don’t. Years ago she put me through the “get me cigs” crap every two to three days so I told her she would have to come up with something else.

She orders them online now but her order is late. I am a smoker so I understand her wanting cigs. If I refused she would most likely call my son or my ex-husband to get them for her so pawning her off on someone else is not the way either.

It started after she moved into her own place. She was living with us for awhile and stopped driving. It has gotten worse over the last few years.

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
Limits and boundaries make good families, as far as I’m concerned. YMMV.
[/QUOTE]

I know they are. I have tried to tell her to give me a few days notice and sometimes she does but 90% of the time it is something that needs done now.

No. I have not lived with my mother for many years. The last time was eight years ago when she lived with me rent free.

I have not lived off my mother since I was nineteen.

[QUOTE=Happy Scrappy Hero Pup]
Why is this your problem?

Are you her caregiver? Because if you ain’t, it ain’t.
Secondly, if you decide to make it your problem (which is mighty Christian of ya), why do you have to shop around for cheap cigs?

Is she on a fixed income that is taxed to breaking?

If she ain’t, she gets cigs at whatever cost they are in the shop on the way home.

Heck, even if she IS, then she gets her budget’s worth of cigs at the shop on the way home, and then she’s gotta make those last.
And thirdly- anybody who says, “Emergency! Emergency! My prescription meds are NEEDED this INSTANT!!! oh, and some chips” gets their prescription meds and that’s IT. Even if they’re giving away free chips with the purchase of prescription meds.
[/quote]

It is my probem because she is my mother. My brother died in 1984 and I am her only other child. She only has three close friends. One is out of state and the other two she does not talk to but maybe once a year. I doubt she would burden them with her emergency. She would bother my son or my ex-husband though.

I am not her caregiver. She lives alone. She is on a fixed income.

She normally gets her cigs through the mail but it is running late this week. I agree she should have made them last or ordered sooner, again she does not seem to think ahead.

She really did add chips and dip into her emergency email. Anytime she needs anything, milk, bread, chips, dip and donuts are usually on the list. You would think she could not live without them.

[QUOTE=wring]
Actually, it sounds to me like your mom is trying to wait until she needs a whole lotta stuff before she troubles you to help her get it (hence the list). I’m guessin’ you’d rather not have heard two days ago she needed meds, then the next day bread and milk and finally today when her (expected) internet order fails to arrive as planned, the cigs?
[/QUOTE]

It would appear that way but she does it even with small things. She will call me at six at night on a Sunday to tell me her light bulb in her kitchen is out and has been for two days. She can no longer function since the batteries are now out in her flashlight too.

So she needs light bulbs and batteries and milk and chips and dip and bread while I am out getting the bulbs. It is not getting the extras so much as the reason it is such a need at least one thing NOW.

I don’t know why she can’t call when the fucking bulb burnt out on Friday so I could run out Saturday and get what she needs.

She does this a lot and there are just some days it pisses me right the fuck off.

She has mentioned several times she does not like to bother me when she needs something but she waits so fucking long to ask that it is now an emergency and I have no choice but to do it right NOW!

10

[QUOTE=SomeUserName]
She does this a lot and there are just some days it pisses me right the fuck off.

She has mentioned several times she does not like to bother me when she needs something but she waits so fucking long to ask that it is now an emergency and I have no choice but to do it right NOW!
[/QUOTE]

I understand. My mother is your mother’s twin. Me and my sister have been telling her for YEARS to give us advance notice when she needs shit.
Yet she still pulls the “urgent” crap. She says she doesn’t want to bother us and then waits so long it becomes urgent :rolleyes: .

So I feel your pain.

11

Maybe part of the problem is she’s lonesome?

12

And maybe she’s just not capable of being organized. Some people are like that in their thirties, let alone when they get old.

13

I don’t think you’re getting what you’re being told about boundaries. It isn’t a boundary to ask her to do something and then bitch about it when she doesn’t but give in to her demands anyway.

A boundary is when you find the strength to tell her what you’re going to do and what you’re not going to do and MEAN it, no matter what crap she pulls as a result.

And no, you don’t have to do anything but die. Anything else you do is your choice.

14

One option is to use tough love. Tell your mom that you can’t always be doing things like this. Explain to her how inconsiderate it is to always find yourself helping her out with urgent things that should not need to be urgent.

The other option is to accept your mom’s behavior and learn to deal with it without letting the stress get to you.

Either way could work, but for my money I’d recommend the former. It sounds like you love your mom and want her to be happy, but putting up with stuff like this is not truly helping her, (with a big IMO on the end of it. These threads are easy to make snap judgments in but really who’s to say?)

15

Have you considered making things easier for both of you?

If you know she will need things about once a week (and if milk and bread are always things she needs, that seems to be how frequently she’d need yo) and you are willing to go to the store for her once a week, have her make a list as she runs low on things and plan a set time -every Sat morning?- to go get the list and take care of her errands. How does she get her bills and bank service, doctor’s appointments and other groceries?

16

[QUOTE=MLS]
Maybe part of the problem is she’s lonesome?
[/QUOTE]

I’d say the problem is that she’s a chronic smoker, likely a diabetic due to eating habits (forgive me if I’m reading into this too much) and living on a “fixed income” (i.e. taxpayer subsidized) b/c of her self-inflicted health issues, which she seems to want to perpetuate.

You should bring her her meds. And a big bag of nice juicy ripe fruit and veggies and some Nicorette.

17

Missed the edit window so “yo” was supposed to be “you”, of course, in my post.

Also, forgot to add:

This way at least you get to choose the time you go to the store and maybe she won’t call you about things in between unless it really is something of an emergency. She also may not feel as guilty asking you if it’s pre-arranged, making these “and since you’re going anyway” lists.

18

I agree with Jaade.

Make a schedule and stick to it.

Tell you son and your ex what you are doing so if she calls them, they know you have it handled.

When visiting, take a quick walkthru and make sure she has lightbulbs, maybe even a spare flashlight or some extra bulbs.

Be proactive and get the dates that her meds need to be refilled and put it in your planner (or calendar list) and let her know when you will be delivering them so she has them called in before hand (or call them in yourself).

19

[QUOTE=Sprockets]
I don’t think you’re getting what you’re being told about boundaries. It isn’t a boundary to ask her to do something and then bitch about it when she doesn’t but give in to her demands anyway.

A boundary is when you find the strength to tell her what you’re going to do and what you’re not going to do and MEAN it, no matter what crap she pulls as a result.

And no, you don’t have to do anything but die. Anything else you do is your choice.
[/QUOTE]

Reiterating this. Agreed.

If you decide to follow Jaade’s advice which is good, IMO, you might also want to consider finding a grocery store delivery service in your area. If you have Safeway or Albertson’s in your area, they can deliver for $9.95 per delivery according to epinions.com . Your mom could create her own order* and get it when she wants and perhaps you or she could pay for that once a week.

If your vitriol is so large that this warrants a thread in the Pit, then I would think that $9.95 is a small price to pay given your gas price, time and peace of mind. If it doesn’t, I’d question whether this was Pit-worthy.

*I’m guessing your mom has internet access since she’s e-mailing you.

20

If it cost her close to ten bucks every time she put in a grocery order, she might suddenly learn how to plan ahead, too. A plan with no drawbacks, methinks!