Dealing with the creepily socially inept --- somebody hit me with a clue-by-four!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ll say it in advance: I’m being a selfish bastard, and I feel rather shitty about it, else this wouldn’t be an issue for me.

Anyways, an acquaintance of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago to help him with his term paper. English is not his native language and his skills are very much lacking. I agreed to tutor him with the understanding that that would be the limit of my duties — edit his grammar, suggest stylistic improvements, and suchlike. I’d be a tutor to him and help him improve his writing. I took to this work gladly, and didn’t even bother to charge.

But, it quickly became creepy. He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes multiple times a day. He has called me, on more than one occasion, when I said earlier I would not be free to help him. He calls me at odd hours of the night and early morning, when no reasonable person should be up and about.

This is making me increasingly pissed off. Interacting with him pushes me to the limits of my admittedly limited patience. It’s like trying to communicate with a space alien; it’s that bad. I try to stick to business, but he tries to steer it towards a more personal direction. It’s obvious he’s learning nothing from my tutoring — he’s just using it as an excuse to hang out with me.

Friendship is supposed to be a two-way street, and I’m getting nothing out of this but frustration and the feeling that somehow, I should have never agreed to help him out in the first place. Part of me wants to man up and tell him to fuck off, but that would be very cruel of me and I could not do it without enormous regrets. Another part of me wants to help him socialize and grow out of his crippling interpersonal ineptitude, but I tried doing this before in the past, and it always was a futile and soul-draining experience. I am not a therapist; I’m just a man trying to do his best in this world.

Please, someone give me a clue and spare no harsh words at my expense.

2

Why would that be cruel? Why would you have regrets?

I mean, don’t say “fuck off” specifically, of course…

Let’s put it this way…say you were a pretty young college girl, and a male student offers to tutor you in calculus. You say that yes, you would like the help, but only with the understanding that it is to be tutoring only. Soon he starts calling you every day, then multiple times a day and at odd hours. During your tutoring sessions, he won’t stay on the subject of calculus, and tries to draw you into personal conversations.

What would any sane person tell you?

Obviously, that the tutoring thing is just an excuse to get your attention, and he’s angling for something more. And even more obviously, you should have no compunction about telling the guy to take a walk.

I turned the tables a bit there, but I’m sure you see my point.

This guy has grossly violated your agreement. And he’s setting off your alarm bells. You don’t owe him anything, but if you feel like you should try to help him in some way, tell him the truth–that you would have been happy to tutor him, but the constant phone calls, etc., are unacceptable. And that you no longer wish to tutor him. Hopefully he will learn from the experience.

And then you should probably cut off all contact with him. He sounds like a nutter.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

p.s. You totally need to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. I know you haven’t read it because if you had, you wouldn’t be asking this question.

3

I had something similar happen once. I changed my phone number. I was fortunate in that my nutter was unable to drive, and I lived outside of walking/ public transportation range.

I expect your school has someone in a writing center who could do the actual tutoring.

My suggestions would be as follows:

  • Tell the guy you can’t tutor him anymore and give him the info for the writing center. Maybe with a simple but firm statement that “It’s taking more time than I thought, and more time than I have.”
  • If he is officially an international student, call the international students office and discuss the situation with them. They may not necessarily be able to solve the problem, but I have been an international student and know that the coordinators do get involved when the students act inappropriately in various ways. It’s worth a try.
  • Change your number, get caller ID, block his emails, and do whatever it takes to make it stick.
  • If it gets dangerously stalkerish, let your school’s public safety know.

Sorry that your good deed is not going unpunished.

I second *The Gift of Fear * being a great book.

4

I do. But telling him to fuck off is a delicate proposition. You might have gathered that I have something of a martyr complex; this is not the first time I’ve tried to help someone and wound up feeling like it isn’t going anywhere (as well as making me feel hugely uncomfortable). I have no problems telling certain people to fuck off (since I know they have other chuckle-headed friends to turn to), but this guy is just… Sad? I hesitate to say pathetic.

This is probably what I’ll do anyways. I was more than happy to tutor him, but now I’d rather jam bamboo slivers under my nails than spend time tutoring him. He definitely seems to have misinterpreted my enthusiasm to help and friendliness as permission to be bothered at all hours, and I’m tired of it. If I didn’t feel so sorry for him, I would have told him to stuff it long ago.

I have checked out the book and after this post, I intend to crack it open and give it a good read.

5

Funny thing is, when he started getting on my nerves, I told him straight-out that I was not a professional tutor and that the writing center at my university would be glad to help him out, but he mumbled some excuse about them not being helpful and what-not. I should have told him to bugger off then.

I intend to do what you and Green Bean suggested, next time he calls. If he persists, I’ll go ahead and take further action along the lines you both suggested.

6

Telling people to get lost is not rocket science. Just be straight and honest about it .

For example you could say: “You know what? I’m not tutoring you anymore. Please don’t call me again, don’t talk to me and good luck with your essay.”

That’s it. No explanations are necessary since, for starters, you don’t have to explain yourself to him after all this, and also because he’ll probably use whatever reason you give him to keep badgering you.

It’s not pretty, its a little rude but unfortunately its the simplest way to get him off of you. I’ve run into people like that twice before and although they never got violent, they got very annoying.