I was reading Dear Abby today because, well, mostly because I was bored on a truly monumental level. Anyway, this was today’s column. In short, a reader knows that his neighbor, a gay man, is having an affair with a sixteen year old boy who also lives in the building, without the knowledge of the boy’s mother. The reader wants to know if he should tell the police and/or the boy’s mother. Abby says that this is child abuse, and to tell the mom ASAP.
Now, leave aside the question of wether consenual sex with a sixteen year old is “child” abuse, and assume this happened in a jurisdiction where the age of consent is higher than sixteen. Is this still good advice? I tend to think not. First, the neighbor is going to be outing the boy without his consent. Hopefully, the mother is going to be understanding and accepting. But we all know that, often as not, this is not the case. It seems to me that being rejected, possibly even disowned, by your parents presents a far greater chance of long-term psychological damage than being involved in a consensual (even if illegal) relationship with an adult.
I guess the question is, is more harm going to be done by telling, or by not telling? How can a third party decide? Does a third party even have a right to intervene in a situation like this?
First of all, let me state for the record that I disagree with laws that set the age of consent at less than 18. That being said, I’m going to assume that the age of consent in this situation is 18.
Yes, the parent and the law enforcement should be told. The neighbor is breaking the law, and taking advantage of somebody who is under age. Age of consent laws exist for a reason - to protect kids who aren’t mature enough to decide on matters of sex. A couple of 16 year olds fooling around with each other is one thing - the kids are equally naive - but an adult should damn well know better. Whether the couple is gay or straight is secondary.
If the age of consent is 16 there, then the situation is still pretty distasteful (I’m assuming that the neighbor is far older than 16), but as there are no laws being broken, I don’t think the person in question should alert the authorities or the parents - it’s legally the 16 yr old’s business at this point.
I hope that “often as not” is an exaggeration. I would like to think that less than 50% of American parents would reject a gay child. But referring to this particular teenaged boy as gay is a bit of an assumption. We don’t know that the boy is a willing participant. The man is already taking advantage of the boy’s age and the mother’s trust, so how are we to know he isn’t also taking advantage of the boy by threatening, coercing, or bribing him into sex? This could be true even if the boy really is gay – he might have confided in this man only to have the man threaten to “out” him if he refuses sex.
We don’t know that the mother would reject her son, and we don’t know that this affair is consensual. If the boy is underaged he cannot legally give consent anyway, but it’s quite possible that he is not consenting at all. And even if he is, I know I’d want the mother told if this were a teenaged girl having an affair with a skeezy late-40s neighbor man who drove her to school, and I don’t see why a boy in the same situation should be ignored.
Really? In all cases? Personally, though I don’t think it’s entirely out of line to require someone to be 18 to consent to sex with someone a great deal older simply because of the larger potential for abuse and exploitation, there are also the barely-legal and almost-legal teenagers involved. Preventing creepy old men from boinking 16-year-olds is generally a very good thing, but a flat age of consent of 18 also prevents 18-year-olds from boinking 17-year-olds. Honestly, I think it’d be better to have a range, where it’s not a crime to boink someone who’s slightly underage (say 15, 16 or older) if the age difference is small. (the way things currently are in Michigan, for example)
Also, consider that the US Age of Consent is higher than in many other western nations. (14 in Canada, (18 for m/m) 15 in France, 16 in the UK, 16 (sometimes 14, it’s complicated) in Germany)
– Elfbabe, recently an underage person and currently a person who’s NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING about her underage exploits until AFTER it’s impossible to prosecute anyone for them.
your link didn’t work for me here is another in case anyone else had that problem. IMHO, he should tell the mother, at least, if not the authorities. I appreciate the concerns about outing the teen involved, but sexuality aside, this is exactly the kind of thing age of concent laws are supposed to pretain to. A sexual relationship between a man in his mid-40’s and a 16 year old teenager(regardless of that teens sex) is inappropriate. In my opinion(and that of the law), at least.
I agree with Abby; he should tell the mother what this joker said to him.
In general, I believe that in the vast majority of cases, a parent cares more about her child’s welfare than anyone else, and by a wide margin. I believe there should be a presumption that the mother is the person most likely to do what’s best for this boy.
One of the worst effects of this society’s attitude towards gay people is exemplified in this debate. The fact that gay teenagers feel they need to hide their sexual orientation from their parents makes them uniquely vulnerable to exploitation.
If this were a case of a man in his forties having sex with a sixteen year old girl, no-one would have any question as to whether to bring it up with her parents. But since it’s a male teenager in question, there are additional questions involved. If his parents are really anti-gay, he may be kicked out of his house. He may lose all means of support. He may be punished for who he is, and or sent to some Christian boot camp hellhole.
The parents should be told, and the kid should hope that somehow, he’s lucky enough to have a mom and dad strong enough to have avoided being brainwashed into hating him for something he can’t control. He’d better hope that they can see past the initial shock of realizing that he’s gay, and figure out that he’s in a situation where he’s going to need a lot of help and support.
This is so wrong, it’s unbelievable. This kid is in need of help, and the only way to get him that help is to have him risk losing everything. This is the result of the idiotic attitude fostered by intolerant fanatics who claim to be ostracizing gay people out of love.
I don’t disagree with speaking to the mother. But in that situation, I would attempt to speak with the teen directly, at least as a preliminary step. Then I’d go from there.
—A couple of 16 year olds fooling around with each other is one thing - the kids are equally naive - but an adult should damn well know better.—
I think this common assertion is a little questionable. One might just as easily argue that adults DO know better, and that’s why they make better sexual partners. While I don’t agree with that view either, its emptiness is echoed by the idea that something which is dangerous exploitation is made somehow less dangerous if both parties are naive about sex. Disease and pregnancy are both common and serious consequences of foolish sex, and I hardly see why it’s worth overlooking those if we are willing to make below-consent illegal. I can buy the argument that it’s simply more draconian and counter-productive to people’s sexual development in our particular culture’s take on sex, but that’s an entirely different sort of argument.
You know, as a historian, this argument has always vaguely amused me. 200 years ago, an 18-year-old would probably have been married for several years and have children of their own. It’s interesting how the deliniation of “maturity” has differed greatly down through the ages.
Let me get this straight. A near 50 year old man is having sex with an adolescent boy, and the top item on the agenda is the fear that the 16 year old will be outed?
Miller, I don’t consider myself gay unfriendly in the slightest, but I’ve got to tell you as a parent, that if I was presented with the circumstance of a 40 or 50 year old man having sex with my son, and someone evinced more concern about the potential psychological trauma of my son being outed as gay vs the fact that he’s currently being seduced and fucked by a 50 year man, I would have serious questions about your priorities.
As a parent this line of logic strikes me viscerally as some NAMBLAesque justification for the continued abuse of a young person under the pretext that dealing with their potentiality as a gay person is more risky than allowing them to continue have sex with a 50 year old. IMO that logic is stomach turning.