Dear Annie: You Suck

Did you remember to roll over your IRA when you left your previous partner?

IIRC, I only rolled over in the wet spot.
:smiley:

You’re kidding, right? Wanting to make love to your wife when you’re in your 60s or 70s or Og Bless You, 80s is creepy? Why? Because of the wrinkles?

Dio, sometimes I wonder just where your head is. It’s like you read the post, pick a point exactly 180 degrees away, and begin typing.

I assume you will tell your wife on your 65th birthday that you’re cutting her off?

You only have to do that if the previous partner is named Ira.

His mistress, obviously, and more power to him. It is pretty selfish if a wife decides she doesn’t want sex anymore, then expects her husband to give it up also. I don’t think anyone should be forced to have sex if they don’t want to, but neither should someone be forced to give it up against their will either.

So if a husband doesn’t want sex, the wife should take a young stud? You go, girl.

FYI: the link has changed. The date on the column is Jan 26, 2005.

Actually, yes, both stallions and mares get retired from breeding eventually.

Some studs will be bred till they die, since they remain potent and their get continue to be good quality. Now that artificial insemination via frozen semen is accepted in many breed registries, some stallions can go on siring get even after their death. Others will be retired when their potency diminishes, or health issues make it difficult for them to breed, or mare owners no longer want to breed their stock to that horse.

Mares will be bred until they consistently fail to conceive, until health issues make them infertile or unable to tolerate a pregnancy, or until the quality of their foals doesn’t justify continuing to breed them.

We now rejoin the Pitting already in progress.

I half (well, maybe a little less than half) agree with Diogenes on this one. I put late-in-life impotence in the same category as late-in-life infertility: unfortunate, but hardly abnormal. (For the record: I’m not keen on insurance coverage for either one, though if you want to pay for treatment yourself, damn the torpedoes!)

HOWEVER:
I don’t think it is fair to discount or denigrate the distress of this man in being rejected by his wife, and I definitely don’t think it’s fair to call older men who want to reclaim their sex lives “Old Goats.” (None of us are getting any younger, you know.)

The questions to ask would have been:
Did the man in the letter discuss his feelings with his wife BEFORE springing the Viagra prescription on her? Or did he just pop in the front door and tell her to re-start her engine because he’s on the way down to CVS and will be back in 15 minutes with a hunk of wood with her name on it? Since the writer would rather forego his doctor’s appointments for two years rather than risk being asked about his situation, I suspect his communications skills might be somewhat limited. As the daughter of two parents in their 70s who has been listening to their growing irritation with each other for the past 43 years, I find it a little strange that the writer never suspected that his wife would be less than thrilled by his announcement. Was he not paying attention, or was her reaction a genuine bolt from the blue?

Does the man in the letter make himself useful around the house, and otherwise comport himself in a fashion that would make his wife feel like sharing herself with him? Or has he given his wife some cause to resent sex as “just another thing that she has to do for him”?

Was the woman always less than thrilled with sex, or has her attitude changed in recent years?

Was the man a thoughtful lover before he bacame impotent, or was it all about his woodie?

When the man became impotent, did he still try to please his wife with the resources left to him, or did he call it a day because he could no longer get his own satisfaction? Did he shift to “Plan B,” or did he just bail out? Even if he and his wife are too traditional/old fashioned to engage in anything but the standard in-and-out, did he continue to cuddle with his wife?

One unfortunate fact: though Viagra does get men cranked up for one more ride around the ol’ corrall, I am under the impression that there is nothing analogous available for women. I understand that testosterone (yes, testosterone) treatment does get some women back in the mood, and that some others use an estrogen patch to relieve vaginal dryness; I have also read that Wellbutrin has a “sexualizing” effect in some lucky few women. However, if a husband’s mechanics improve and his wife’s drive is gone, nothing’s going to remedy the situation but a whole lot of patience, understanding and (possibly) experimentation on both sides.

Don’t misunderstand me, here – the wife’s behaviour in throwing out the prescription was absolutely appalling. Maybe the husband has done everything right and she’s just been a bitch her whole life. Who knows? We don’t, and “Annie” never asked. There is certainly no doubt that the “Annie” column writers are pathetically short sighted in their whole approach to the situation.

Regarding the “selective celebrant”:
I think both parties are in the wrong. The sister in law who refused to go to the baptism was a jerk for not attending, and the one who decided to punish her by “removing her Christmas privileges” was a controlling jackass. Both of them need to wrap their heads around the fact that it’s not all about them. Going to a baptism does not imply endorsement of the religious ideas behind it. It is not akin to attending a human sacrifice in that respect.

I don’t know why we have to just accept male impotence as just one of those things that happens with aging. If it bothers someone, why not try to fix it? Should we just accept arthritis pain and other afflictions of the elderly? Just because someone is old, we shouldn’t just write off their quality of life.

I do agree that we don’t know the whole story, and if the man just came home one day and declared “Mabel, put on your negligee and crank up the Perry Como” then he shouldn’t be surprised his wife was less than thrilled. But “Dear Annie” didn’t address any of that, and I think they should have. If a younger husband had written that he wanted sex and the wife didn’t, I’d expect them to give more advice about resolving whatever issues are causing the problem. I don’t have a problem with the recommendation that the man see his doctor though. Not seeing a doctor because you’re ashamed of your situation isn’t a good thing.

I think the sisters in law in the other letter are both being asses. I don’t really mind someone attending a reception if they don’t want to go to a religious wedding. In that case, you could argue that they are attending the reception in order to celebrate the marriage. However, why attend a party after a baptism if you don’t believe in the baptism itself? What are you celebrating? That does seem like trying to get the fun of the party without sharing in it’s purpose. But the other woman was totally in the wrong about the Christmas/soltice gifts.

Go, Maddie! (For the record: I don’t think you necesarily have to live with age-related problems. I just don’t think all of them rise to the level of “disease” from an insuance standpont.)

I don’t see anything wrong with attending the party after the baptism. Maybe the SIL viewed the party as a family celebration of the birth of the child. Also, nowhere in the letter did the writer state that the SIL didn’t present gifts at the appropriate times, so why should we assume that she wouldn’t bring a gift to this party as well? (Making the party not ‘free food’ as some have asserted.)

When did I say that wanting to was creepy?

It’s only creepy when the wife clearly doesn’t want it anymore, and the guy won’t respect that and leave her alone. It’s especially stupid when the guy has to use artificial means to raise the crane. This isn’t about this guy wanting to “make love” to his wife, he obviously doesn’t care about her feelings, he just wants to salve his own wounded ego by fucking something again before he dies. It’s all about himself, not her.

Again, if she doesn’t want to have sex then what does he need the pills for?

I feel the same thing about some of your posts, to be honest. :slight_smile:

I’m amazed at how consistently diametrically opposed your views are from mine. My opinions are sincere, though, as are yours.

As long as she wants to do it, I’m game, but this is a woman who doesn’t want to do it. In addition it’s a guy who can’t get it up anyway so why not just leave well enough alone.

Awhile ago on Lovelines I heard Dr. Drew talking about this and saying it was getting to be a pretty common problem for these old guys going out and getting viagra and their wives getting upset about it. It was ending some marriages. Right ir wrog, a lot of women are not crazy about sex and once they reach a point where theit husbands don’t demand it anymore that’s just fine with them. And if they reach a certain age where they simply get no enjoyment out it at all and their husbands are suddenly using modern technology out of the blue it can be very distressing to them. If these guys really care about their wives, they’ll respect those feelings instead of wallowing in their own artifically inflated egos.

Well, the guy said he got the Viagra scrip so he could “make love to his wife.” An erection is only part of that scenario, and possibly not even the most important part. So my thorough introspection of the situation based on the few facts given reveals that this guy obviously doesn’t know that, and has been subjecting his wife to bad sex for 45 years, and she’s tired of it.

More on Letter #1:

DAMN that letter-writer is a bitch. She just assumed that because her SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas that she doesn’t want to participate in a family event? Way to be obnoxiously passive aggressive. I’m Jewish and I don’t celebrate Christmas. Most of my friends are, however, nominally Christian (in reality, they’re all, AFAIK, atheists and agnostics) and celebrate Christmas in a secular fashion. When one of them organized a gift exchange last year, damn right I participated. I would have been very hurt had she excluded me. (As it turned out, the person whose name I pulled is also Jewish - ha!) I love giving presents, and enjoy receiving them as well. I like parties. I like spending time with my friends. There’s no bad here! If it’s just me, I don’t care about Christmas in the slightest, but I’m human, I’d be really upset if all my friends had a big Christmas party and didn’t invite me because I’m Jewish.

As for letter #2, comparing a viagra scrip to heart medication is a bit of a stretch. The shredding is the least upsetting part of the letter. Obviously, this is a couple with some problems. I think Dear Annie’s response was perfectly fine.

Probably a spot on analysis. I wonder if the guy ever came near her magic button during his “love making” sessions.

Would you think it was creepy if he could manage it without drugs and she cut him off? Maybe I’ve just been lucky in that the women I’ve been with have clearly enjoyed sex just as much as me, and maybe more, but I can’t imagine staying with someone didn’t want sex with me. Any unilateral decision by either party is symptomatic of a lot more problems in marriage than just sex.

Ignoring the Viagra issue, what would you say if someone 35 came for advice because his wife didn’t want to make love to him anymore? Would you say “just leave her alone” or would you advocate trying to figure out what the issues were?

I’m curious about why you think it’s just about his ego and not about him wanting to enjoy sex with his wife again? I didn’t get anything like that from the letter. That could be the case, but there’s no evidence either way.

In no way should he force her or pester her into having sex with him. But if she doesn’t want to ever, that’s a problem that should be addressed.

I’ve heard the same thing, but I don’t remember where. (It probably wasn’t Loveline since I don’t remember ever listening to that show.) However, I interpreted it as there’s a problem of declining sex drives in women that we haven’t addressed either by finding a cure or by educating men who come in for viagra that their partners may have sexual issues as well that need consideration.

I remember hearing that it’s a problem more common in older women but sometimes affects young women as well. I did find this cite which suggests that low sex drive is a problem for many women and we don’t really have a good cure yet:

WebMD article (pretty sure it’s work safe although it has a huge Levitra ad in it)

I would guess that many women complaining about a low sex drive aren’t doing so only because their husbands are pestering them. When I had a perscription that killed my sex drive, I wanted it back! I missed sex even though I didn’t want it. I went to my doctor and he changed the perscription. I hope he’d do the same thing if I were 68 rather than 38.

I guess I wish the advice columnists would have told this man that a low sex drive is a not uncommon problem in older women and to be understanding of it (even though ripping up his perscription and calling him names wasn’t the best move). However, both should see their doctor to determine if there’s anything that can be done. Perhaps his wife is taking medication or has something else affecting her sex life that can be fixed. Perhaps it’s unfixable. However, I think it’s a bit cruel to older people–male and female–to say “just forget about sex at your age.”

If the party is held more as a celebration of the child’s birth than as a celebration of the baptism, then I agree with you. However, the post-baptism get togethers that I’ve attended have been to acknowlege the baptism, not the birth itself. In those cases, why attend the party if you’re not there to celebrate what it’s all about? To be honest, I haven’t been to all that many. (Maybe 4 or 5?) Do most people have parties after baptisms? We’ve mostly just attended the ceremony then gone home.

There’s a difference between having a parther who doesn’t want sex at 30 and one who doesn’t want sex at 70.

A declining sex drive is a natural part of aging. When did it become a “disorder” for an old guy not be able to get it up or for an old lady not to want sex anymore?

A decline in frequency of intercourse, erection, and lubrication are all documented parts of change with age. However, healthy individuals continue to have some sort of desire for sex/physical intimacy. Lack of desire and/or willingness to have some sort of sex life with one’s partner is a sign of dysfunction of some sort somewhere within the relationship.

QtM, MD