Abstinence iin relationships between 30-40+ year old adults

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was reading this thread where a poster was commenting on the issues involved with potentially being asked out on a date, and indicated she held toward a policy of strict abstinence until marriage.

I realize people have different and sincerely held religious and personal views WRT when it’s appropriate to engage in sexual relations in the context of developing relationships, and I can understand to some extent having this policy if you are a young, inexperienced woman being pursued by eager and aggressive suitors, but (IMO) it just strikes me as a bit overly precious for a fully grown adult women to hold to this standard, and expect that a reasonably desirable, well off, adult man is going to go along with this unless they (the man) are unusually devout (or desperate).

This question is not specifically about the OP’s personal decision indicated in that post, but is more of an open question to the single, adult 30 to 40 something female members of this board.

Is a policy of sexual abstinence until marriage a workable real world posture for 30 to 40 something single women if they wish to form attachments with reasonably high quality male suitors in today’s dating and relationship environment?

2

I don’t see why not. IIRC, the female in question has a son, so it isn’t like she is “holding on to her innocence.” I surely couldn’t do it, but for other people…sure. It may cramp the style of some suitors, and it will surely limit the choices, but it can work.

3

Is a policy of sexual abstinence until marriage a workable real world posture for 30 to 40 something single women if they wish to form attachments with reasonably high quality male suitors in today’s dating and relationship environment?

Apparently so.

Worked for my uncle’s wife. She was in her 50s at the time, he in his 40s (2nd marriage for both).

Worked for my cousin, who was in her late 30s while dating her now-husband (2nd marriage for both).

Both husbands high quality male suitors. :smiley:

Not meaning to be snarky here, but what is unworkable about no sex before marriage? Is someone putting a gun to people’s heads and telling them “get in bed RIGHT NOW or else!” Oh sure, the urge to have sex is great, but not impossible to refrain from actually doing. Or is this an issue of “can a woman get a good man without putting out?”

I’m not sure how “high quality” you could consider a man/woman if they absolutely refuse to respect the other’s wishes to remain abstinent until marriage.

4

You know, I have to figure if a guy flatly refuses the pre-marital abstinence thing, he’s not all that high quality in terms of what these women are looking for.

5

34yo male checking in…

Yes I prefer abstain because it’s important for me to know that a woman likes me for me and just doesn’t want to use me for my body…

[snickers] BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry man I just couldn’t keep a straight face on that one.

6

It seems to me that the vast majority of people (not always women) who desire to abstain until marrige are not just looking for someone who will respect their desire to abstain, but for someone who will respect the reasons for their desire to abstain–their conservative Christianity. If the potential partner doesn’t wholeheatedly accept the religious commitment of the person in question, the relationship is never going to work, even if the abstainer gives in and puts out. Religion touches on every aspect of a religious person’s life, and if both partners don’t accept religion as a valid criteria in making decisions in these matters, then the people involved will have fight after fight until the marriage goes down in flames.

It’s like if one person in a relationship thinks that extended family should be involved in every aspect of one’s life and the other believes extended family exisits only to be left behind: the couple is going to have much bigger issues than just where to spend that first Xmas.

Is it hard for one person to find another who shares (or at least acknowledges as valid) their deep religious commitment? Sure, especially if they look in singles bars. Most religious people I know, however, date through their church, which skews the sample somewhat.

7

OK, now for straight talk on the straight dope:

I think most people who claim abstinence use it as a crutch for the lack of sexual contact in their life. The external reason may be religious in nature, but the internal reason may have to do with unattractive looks, isolation, low self-esteem, STD, non-attraction to a current partner, small penis, no boobs, etc. Furthermore, it’s an excuse to not do it with someone you’re dating, but want to keep around for financial or emotional reasons.

I dated a religious Catholic woman with 3 kids who had claimed born-again abstinence until she re-married. About a year after I had dated her, she told me that she had sex with a guy she had been seeing (she was still not married). Furthermore, this guy was still legally married to someone else. Clearly, abstinence was a crutch.

I haven’t had sex in a while and am tempted to use that excuse if pressed. The reality is that I don’t get out much lately, have limited opportunities, and haven’t gone out of my way to meet women due to financial problems. Plus, I am very careful due to my fear of getting an STD (and hating condoms). So, if I claim abstinence, I’m just being a hypocrite.

Also, I’ve had good sex and therefore am less likely to declare abstinence because I would remember the good sex whenever I get horny. If one has never had sex or had had bad sexual experiences, I could easily see that person declaring abstinence (or trying same sex experiences). Again, religion is a convenient excuse.

I would truly be impressed if a confirmed, club-hopping, good-looking Slut (male or female) suddenly declared abstinence and stuck to it all the way to re-marriage. Then I’d be more apt to believe him or her (unless they’ve got a really bad case of herpes and just want to hide it). But if a plain-looking, mousey, lonely type person declares abstinence, I’d be more inclined to take it as a crutch rather than religious belief, you see?

8

Personally I’m a 42 year old man and I’d probably think twice about starting a relationship with a woman my age who had a policy of no sex before the wedding night. Especially if she had had sexual relationships in the past.

To me it would be the equivalent of someone saying she didn’t want to be seen with me in public or didn’t want to introduce me to her family or refused to tell me anything about her past. I believe you should have as complete a relationship as possible before getting married and sex is part of a relationship.

9

I’m a woman, and I honestly don’t think I could date a man whose philosophy was abstinence. I guess that’s mainly because to me, sexual compatibility is a really integral part of a good relationship, and I can’t see marrying a man without knowing if we’re going to hit it off between the sheets. I have no problem with the waiting, just the not knowing. How much would it suck to invest time and love in a relationship only to realize that it’s crashing to the ground because we can’t get a groove on?

10

I’ve never really understood the “abstinence until marriage” crowd, though I suppose that’s partly because I wasn’t raised as a Christian. Don’t you want to know if you and your partner are sexually compatible?

I can, however, completely understand a policy of waiting a while before having sex. I’ve made some bad decisions regarding relationships, primarily because I was dazzled by the opportunity to have sex - sex! SEX!. I learned the hard way that I need to wait at least two or three months into a relationship before having sex so that I know I genuinely like (maybe even love) the guy before I let my hormones take over my brain.

However, YMMV and different strokes for different folks, and all that.

11

Very insightful point! Speaking as a 43 year old male virgin, I would like to say I am refraining from sex simply because of my religious convictions. The problem is, however, that while I was raised in a Fundamentalist household where it was repeatedly emphasized that all sex outside of marriage was wrong, I do not really believe that way, at least not in an intelectual sense. I do dread the whole idea of sex and intimacy on many different levels for various reasons. Plus, I have never seen myself as a very good “catch” – I am short, balding, out of shape, and do not make much money. Perhaps if I were a more viable candidate for dating, things might be vastly different!

12

I’m a 45-year-old bachelor.

If I loved a woman enough to ask her to marry me (and I did exactly one time in my life), I would not categorically rule out such an arrangement.

However, since I’m not the least bit religious, I don’t think I’d be likely to share values with someone who proposed such an arrangement. (I’m assuming that religion would be the only reason a person would propose abstinence until marriage – is this the case?)

It’s not that my sex drive is so unstoppable that I can’t date a woman without sleeping with her (that’s a silly myth about men – heavy work schedules and overall laziness induce more celibacy than religion).

Rather, it’s that I can’t imagine falling in love to the point of proposing marriage without bonding with the woman on a sexual level. (phouka’s point about sexual compatibility is a very good one, and much truer for 40-year olds than 20-year olds.)

And, FWIW, I can’t imagine any woman I’ve dated accepting such an arrangement.

13

I need sex like I need air…

That being said, I have known two women in this age group who chose to wait until marriage before indulging in sexual relations. They both had been previously married, with children.

One based her choice on her strong religious beliefs. The other made hers based on the terrible history she’d had with her former husband. Both were adamant about their beliefs, desires, etc for their new relationships. Both are now married to men who courted them with full knowledge of this “requirement.”

Guess what I’m trying to say (write) is that people who have the courage of their convictions can make attractive partners. Granted, I’d like a test-drive first, but they both seem happy.

YMMV.

14

Speaking as a guy that is somewhat older than the OP calls out (52) I can say this:
I grew up in the “if it feels good do it” generation. If a woman told me that no sex until mariage, I would have serious issues.
This woman might be wonderful for someone, but probably not me.

15

I’m not sure that that is a safe assumption. While my religious beliefs are my strongest reason for abstinence, they are not the only one. (I’m going to ignore the “no one wants to date me” part.)

Abstinence means that one never has to worry about an unplanned pregnancy or STD. No worries about birth control, no financial considerations.

Waiting until marriage ensures that a woman knows who the father is in the event of a baby and issues of child support. (Admittedly, behavior between complete celibacy and having sex with so many men that one can end up on the Maury show testing guy number 3 or 4 or 5 for paternity is possible, I watch too much daytime television.)

Abstinence MAY reduce the likelihood of rape, especially date rape. (personal opinion, but based on reading the stories of a number of women (on this board and elsewhere) whose willingness to have casual sex or have sex with the man in question under other circumstances contributed to having sex under conditions they have since regretted. If they had been unwilling to have sex in general, they would have felt more inclined to say no and make it stick. I’m not claiming that this is typical of date rape victems, just that it is possible. )

Insisting upon abstinence until marriage as a screening ploy- see how many people would refuse such a policy and thus be screened out as potential dates.

I’d like to say that I could go on, but for the moment I’ve run out of ideas. Still, despite the urging of pop culture to think that everyone out there is having casual sex or whining because they are between partners, I’d like to believe that religious motives are not the only ones that exist for insisting on a wedding before sex.

16

Yeah well, sex sure does change things between people, so the idea of taking it off the table when you enter into a relationship has its appeal. A few of you have raised the issue of the need to know about sexual compatability before marriage, but the problem with that is that, for a lot of guys, what they experienced with their wives before marriage and were led to expect as the norm turned out, after marriage, to be a dispensed-with courtship display. If I was a middle-age guy in the dating scene I could easily respect a middle-age woman’s need for abstinance: she probably has a damn good reason for it. But I’d want to know “OK, you won’t have sex before marriage. So tell me, how much sex do you intend to have after marriage?”

17

Getting into our age bracket (I am an available 32 year old woman), I tend to find men to be more the problem here than women as far as libido strength. Women are hitting their sexual peak in their late twenties/early thirties, whereas men are starting to realize they have a favorite chair and that they might be a candidate for Viagra. (words quoted from a comedian, I forget who.)

To add to the thought that taking a test drive isn’t indicative of marriage performance, I would also like to point out that it is unlikely that you would break up with someone strictly because things didn’t go as smoothly as desired in the bedroom if you were headed down the marriage path. Two people having great sex is all about desire and effort, not “skill”. If you love someone, you will work with them to improve their skill. You would feel like an absolute heel to leave someone just because the bedroom routine was lacking and nothing else.

That being said, I would not be in favor of abstinance until marriage. I probably would be suspicious of a man who had that policy, and I doubt he and I would have much in common. I would be in favor of not living together prior to marriage, however, as I have an example to set for my son plus I wouldn’t want the guy to think I was just after a mortgage payment. Although abstaining does have the added benefit that as a woman you never have to worry that he is just using you for that. You can spend your time worrying that he is using you for your money or just to keep him company. :wink:

18

My best IRL friend is a pretty devout Christian; she’s extremely attractive, educated, smart, good career, and remained a virgin until her marriage at age 27. The folks who say “I wouldn’t marry someone without knowing if we’ll hit it off in bed” are ignoring the fact that sexual skills are just that: skills. Which means they can be learned. Wanna know if you’re sexually compatible? Well, if you so much as kiss, and the sparks fly, you’re compatible. Everything else can be discussed and learned.

Related story: when my FIL and MIL got married, 52 years ago, my MIL was a divorcee with 3 kids, so you know she was experienced. My FIL, OTOH, had actually had two girls break up with him because he refulsed to sleep with anyone before marriage (interestingly enough, he’s an atheist; but he thinks you should only have sex with someone you’re willing to have children with, and you should only have children with your spouse). So, when my in-laws got married, he was a virgin. He’s almost 80 years old, and has never had sex with anyone but my MIL, in spite of clear opportunity to do otherwise.

19

If the person who wishes to remain celibate until marriage is not a virgin, then that person is making an informed decision about what is important to them in the relationship. More power to them.

If that person is a virgin, he or she is arguing from ignorance. Possibly well-informed ignorance, depending on how frank a conversation they’re willing to have with their family and friends… They cannot know the power of the Dark Side… er… cannot know the effect sex will have on their relationship, any more than somebody who’s never had anything to drink will know the effect that will have on him, or somebody who’s never worked for a living will know how they’ll feel about that.

20

I agree 100% – in fact, the woman whom I asked to marry me suggested I move in with her when we first started dating. I declined, mainly because I was concerned with how it would affect her 3-year-old son (there was also a seflish motive: she lived in a region without a lot of jobs in my field, so moving there would have meant a career blow for me).