Non-religious reasons for postponing sex until marriage?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Most of the objections we hear to premarital sex boil down to “The Bible/God/my religion/sacred hoofprints of the Invisible Pink Unicorn says it’s wrong”.

But I’m kind of in the process of compiling a mental list of practical reasons for not having sex before marriage.

  1. Decreased liklihood of ending up married to an asshat. That hormonal rush and the satisfaction that comes with intimate physical contact with another person can feel an awful lot like true love, and particularly if a couple starts doing the tube snake boogie fairly soon after they meet, can create an intense emotional bond that can make it difficult to decide to end the relationship when, down the road, one of the partners realizes the other is an asshat. This emotional bond can lead someone to decide to marry said asshat because “I love him”. If you find out the other person is an asshat before you’ve bumped uglies, it could potentially be easier to dump them before things get to the point where you might consider spending the rest of your life with them.

  2. Decreased jealousy. The less emotionally secure among us would not be wondering how they stack up against previous romantic partners. Give 'em one less reason for needless worry. Yeah, I know, it’s silly, but hey, people give themselves ulcers over stupider stuff than that.

  3. Bring on the tentacled monsters!

What other reasons, outside of a person’s religious beliefs, might there be for waiting until marriage to have sex?

2

Possibility of pregnancy - if you’re only going to run the risk of impregnating/being impregnated by someone with whom you already have a separate legal bond, you may run into fewer offspring-related problems than otherwise.

3

Including not having the afore-mentioned asshat in your life forever, even if you’re not married.
There’s also the fact that sex can mask a lot of non-connections on other levels. Or get in the way of making connections on other levels.

4

I’ve heard of divorced people postponing sex until another marraige in order to set a good example for their children. As a divorced mother, that sounds admirable to me, especially if you combine it with lots of talking with your kids about making good choices.
I personally am way too much of a horndog to follow that line, but it makes sense in a do-as-I-do kind of way. I only indulge when my children are not in the house, though.

5

On the flip-side, haven’t we all seen celibate couples who rush into marriage because their hormones are urging them to do whatever it takes in order to have sex with each other? Long engagements seem more common among sexually active couples than religious or otherwise celibate couples, but I don’t know if this is true in the real world or just a misperception. In my experience, my religious friends were more likely to marry within a year of meeting someone, while my other friends tended to wait longer than a year before even getting engaged. I just always assumed that the former fast-tracked the whole marriage thing because they were swept up in a hormonal rush, while the latter weren’t distracted by unfulfilled lusting and so they concentrated more on making sure the relationship was solid.

6

Interesting point, cazzle. I could counter that by saying that people who become sexually involved before marriage just don’t see getting married as that big a deal. They may just consider it as formalizing a pre-existing relationship, rather than the joining of two together as one one flesh, because by having sex, they have already become “one flesh”.

For non-religious folks, marriage seems to be simply a legal contract, for religious folks, there is a whole spiritual dimension that comes with taking the vows.

7

There may be some jurisdictions that have laws that prevent illegitimate children from inheriting property. This could be a non-religious motivation for postponing sexual relations until after marriage.

8

Speaking for myself, our marriage was much more than simply a “legal contract” and it certainly was a big deal. We didn’t rush into it because we wanted to be sure that we were doing the right thing with the right person, not because it was “just” the legal formalization of a pre-existing relationship. We considered our marriage to be the melding of our lives and futures, a declaration to each other and the world that we promised ourselves to each other forever and both an ending and a new beginning in our relationship. We both entered into marriage determined to see it through as we both believe that marriage should be forever, not just something you take on and cast off as you find it convenient to do so.

Some non-religious folk may take marriage as lightly as you suggest, but not all. It’s rather insulting to suggest that only religious types have a spiritual connection or take their wedding vows as a deeply serious, life changing and important event.

Back to the original question, some people may choose abstinance and seek a virgin partner as a safeguard against STDs.

9

I guess that depends on how you define “religious”. I certainly wouldn’t use that word to describe myself, but I consider marriage to be a whole lot more than a legal contract. It seems pretty unlikely that I’m unique in this respect, although I suppose anything’s possible.

I didn’t wait for marriage, but I was significantly older when I first had sex than most of my friends had been, and there are two points that really strike as beneficial about it. For one thing, when I was celibate, I never had to worry about being pregnant. Two, three times a year, my sexually active friends were sweating it out waiting for their periods, and a fair number of them got pregnant while we were in high school. Celibacy saved me all kinds of stress, especially since my periods were horrifically irregular at that point.

The other thing was that I’d been masturbating for quite some time to relieve sexual tension, instead of having sex with some teenager who didn’t know what he was doing, so I had a very intimate knowlege of my body and my sexual responses. That led to me having much better sex than my friends were typically having at the time. They were waiting around to find some guy who could figure out how to get them off, while I already knew and could teach him. It let me skip over five years or more of disappointing sex and get right to the good stuff.

I also think that a couple who has been abstinent is better equipped to deal with periods when one or both of them isn’t quite satisfied with their sex life. Let’s face it, times like that crop up in most marriages at some point. Stress levels, schedules, hormonal changes, kids, emotional distance, etc. happens, and sometimes your sex life suffers for it. How well a couple deals with the changes in the sex life can be the difference between a rough patch and the end of the road. Couples who were abstinent are used to building up their relationship in the face of sexual frustration, so it seems like they’d have an edge over the couple who has never dealt with sexual dissatisfaction.

10

I have to disagree with this. Speaking from personal experience, if you’ve been having sex for a while and have been together for a while you like as not have already been through these times when you are having a rough patch, You’ve already experienced it, most likely, and when it comes again you remember what happened the time before and knwo better how to deal with it.

11

In addition to the advantages mentioned already, how about this one:
If someone (who does have an interest in sex) is willing and able to wait until marriage, it’s evidence that they have self-control where sex is concerned and can be trusted to remain faithful when they’re married. (Sounds reasonable, at least—is it true?)

Yes, but why do they say it’s wrong? Maybe for reasons like those given in this thread! Any religion worth its salt is going to have its moral precepts grounded in reality.

“My religion says so” is an awful lot like “My parents say so”: it means one or more of the following (depending on the wisdom and benevolence of the religion/parents):
[ul]
[li]There are good reasons behind the rule, and we’ll explain them if you really want to know[/li][li]There are good reasons but you’re too immature or inexperienced to understand them[/li][li]We think there are good reasons but we’re not sure ourselves what they are[/li][li]There are reasons that don’t necessarily apply to your case, but we’re just being consistent (or inflexible)[/li][li]We’re trying to control you for reasons of our own, that may or may not be in your best interest[/li][/ul]

12

I think some people just don’t care that much for sex, so it’s not a big issue for them.

I could be wrong, but I know a lot of people who go a looong time between sex, even some in relationships.

13

i honestly can’t think of one reason.

possibility of pregnancy? condoms, birth control, and worst case scanario, abortion.

avoiding the asshats? every socio-group has 'em, even the Abstinent Till Marriage group.

Decreased jealousy? On his part? Meh. I say he needs to get over it or get and other girlfriend.

maybe i just have weak morals, but i’m very much pro-sex. :wink:

14

But if you hate the idea of an abortion, and contraception fails (as it has been known to do on occasion) it’s better that you already have as binding a commitment as you can get.

I don’t think morals and interest in sex are in any way mutually exclusive.

15

Besides which, abortions can result in medical implications, such as a perforated uterus or an increased risk of ectopic pregnancies. Nobody, whether pro-life or pro-choice, should assume that an abortion does nothing except to “undo” a pregnancy.

16

On reread, I realize that my post could have been better worded. I didn’t mean to imply that non-religious folks take marriage lightly.

Think about this- how many couples do you know of who were long-term monogamous, deeply committed, and, even if they didn’t formally tie the knot, probably would have spent the rest of their natural lives together. For them, it’s not so much the marriage contract as the * relationship* that they take seriously, and having the ceremony is a formal statement to God and everybody of a fact that existed prior to the actual wedding.

17

36 YO male checking in, having never danced the horizontal tango. (I’ve never danced the upright tango either, but that’s quite another story.) A little background – lest anyone feel that they must define me as strange, unbalanced, paranoid, frigid, antisocial, ugly or a habitation of parasitic insects. Sorry, I am none of these things. I am a well-educated professional earning a reasonable salary. I have a wide circle of friends, have travelled a reasonable amount. I am housetrained and can cook a decent meal when I wish to. I enjoy the company of both male and female friends and also feel quite at home in a social situation where everyone else is coupled. (For those who have never had to do it, that is quite a trick.) I am fit and healthy, and without deliberately trying to blow my own trumpet, I have regularly been described as a good catch. Two further things. I am looking forward to sex with the right person at the right time. I am no prude. Also, I am a comitted Christian – one who takes the bible seriously on matters of personal conduct. And while this has undoubtedly contributed to the stance that I have taken, it is by no means the only reason for choosing to abstain before marriage.

So. A big [sarcastic] Thank you [/sarcastic] to those who have implied or stated (both here and in the other similar thread) that religious beliefs are some kind of rule-trip imposed to try to eliminate some of the fun in life. Not true. There are many good reasons for abstaining. In fact, a better question might be, “Why would you want to have sex before marriage?”

My reasons for abstaining are mostly to do with protecting, valuing and honouring the relationships I have, both now and future. In no particular order…
[ul]
[li]As I see it, sex greatly increases the bond between two people – touching them at a deep level both physically and emotionally. (If this were not true, then rape would be no big deal.) Every temporary relationship will by definition break up at some stage. The pain and damage of such a break is greater when sex is involved because of the deeper union. Sex therefore is best suited for a permanent relationship. In my world view, that is marriage.[/li][li]I have no baggage from previous relationships that I need to divulge to my fiancee either before or after we get married.[/li][li]Sex sometimes produces babies. (Revelation I know!!) I am not a father before the right time.[/li][li]I have no fear or concern about STDs, nor ever will have. And when you consider that there are countries where 27% of the population has HIV/AIDS (Zambia for example), that is no trivial matter.[/li][li]My fiancee need never concern herself that I might be comparing her with someone else or fantasising about someone else. There is no one else. Likewise I have no concerns about how I might measure up. Judging by the recent populrity of penis threads, that is a big deal. By keeping ourselves exclusively for each other we are honouring and affirming the relationship that we have.[/li][li]I feel honoured that my fiancee has kept herself for me. That is no small sacrifice, and I appreciate it. I think that her feelings regarding me are similar.[/li][li]My choosing to exercise self control (and it isn’t always easy to stand by one’s convictions) presents me as a person of integrity and one that understands limits and can be trusted. This has been valuable in past relationships with women – both platonic and romantic. It is also exceedingly valuable in my present relationship with my fiancee.[/li][li]My wife and I once married will have the fun of “learning the ropes” together. That means vulnerability and trust – two things that I believe are essential in a sexual relationship. I have no doubt that our relationship will be the better for it.[/li][li]In this phase of our relationship where we have placed limits on intimate activities, we have learnt and are learning to be creative. That’s a whole lot of fun. Sex could be an easy cop out.[/li][li]I enter this relationship with a clean conscience knowing that I have not left a trail of hurt women behind me. Nor am I damaged goods.[/li][li]I see no evidence that those who are sexually promiscuous have deeper or better relationships. On the contrary, in many cases their relationships tend to be shorter. They can have sex without trust and without communication. They can have sex without committment and without long-lasting fulfillment. I believe in so doing they have devalued sex. Now, I know that many might take issue with what I have just stated. Fine. I would argue from the extreme case – what I have described is definitely true of prostitutes and their patrons. I am going to position myself at the other end of the scale.[/li][li]I work with teenagers. I am in a position to authoritatively guide them on matters of making responsible decisions regarding sexuality. I am also a role model. I demonstrate that it is possible to grow to adulthood without being controlled by internal hormonal rages. There are not a lot of people who tell them that. There is a lot of needless pain and grief out there because of poor decisions. (And I am not always convinced that the pain and grief of adults who fall out of relationships or come to grief sexually is any less than that of teenagers anyway.)[/li][/ul]

Is that enough reasons? Add to these the matters discussed in the bible: that a marriage mirrors the relationship between God and man. Both have foundational principles of love, fidelity, sacrifice, patience, service and so on. This parallel gives marriage a unique sacremental value. And because God is faithful to me, it is only reasonable that I should remain faithful to the principles which he has given.

But even without the religious angle, abstinence before marriage and faithfullness within is merely enlightened self-interest.

18

All sounds great for you, you sound healthy and happy, and don’t seem to require others to be just like you. However, my head exploded when I read:

That’s a crock of shit. So, if a woman is unconscious, I can rape her with impunity? In other words, the “touching…at a deep level both physically and emotionally” is not the reason that rape is a “big deal”.

All relationships are temporary unless you both happen to die in the same accident. Most people either die earlier than or outlive their spouse.

Other than that, I can’t really buy into your philosophy, but if it works for you, have at it.

19

Okay, you have presented a fairly good case, though you did slip a few really subjective items to your list. those are the ones we’ll need to discuss. I doubt anyone will disagree with your fears of STDs or pregnancy.

  1. No baggage, huh? First, do you expect the same from your fiancé? Also, do you think that sex is the only baggage you’d carry? Believe me, my Lady would be much less irked by any sexual encounters I’d had than any great Loves I’d had before we met. Intimacy is the thing- sex is a means of communicating that, but it’s not intimacy itself.

  2. fantasies- you do know that this has nothing to do with past sexual partners, right? Hell, you can fantasies about all sorts of things you’ve never done, nor will ever do, with people you’ve never met. And sex is not the only arena in which you might have to ‘measure up’ to a past partner. Hell, you’ve never done the Tango- what if one of her past bfs was a great dancer? And again, do you expect the same from her?

  3. ‘Creative’? You’re not one of those ‘as long as I don’t stick it into a vagina, we’re good’ people, are you?

  4. ‘Clear conscience’? ‘Damaged goods’? What do you propose to do to these women during sex? Sounds more like a man refraining from serial murder.

5)Once again: Sex /= promiscuity. If you are in a committed relationship, that is not promiscuous.

  1. Kids will fuck whether you do or not. But it will be kind of embarrassing after a while to have 13 year olds explain the birds and the bees to you.
    Look, to each his own. But if you can’t see how some of your definitions come across as self-righteous and downright offensive to those who do not choose to abstain, I can’t help you.
20

And if you aim really wide of the point, you are guarunteed to miss it. :rolleyes: