Originally, My girlfriend and I had never entertained the possibility of actually having sex before the vows were exchanged…
After nearly four years, the question has come up… Both of us had originally wanted to wait, but we are both reconsidering and have had several discussions over the topic.
Does anyone have any experience in this area? Regrets about not waiting?
Just really looking for other people’s insight on this… Obviously we are still fumbling our way around right now… We find ourselves with conflicting thoughts between the desire to wait and the desire to share something as intimate and special as making love to each other.
It does not sound as though you are considering casual sex with someone you just met. It would seem that you are in a committed, stable relationship. Why not go ahead?
Alternatively, if postponing sex until marriage is important to you, why delay marriage any longer?
Sex and money are the two killers of marriages. You shouldn’t get married without understanding where you are on spending, budgeting, etc. You also shouldn’t get married without understanding where you are about sex. If you doubt me, look at Dear Abby for the past month or so, which has been full of letters about couples who are miserable because of different sex schedules. (Such as once a week vs. once a quarter, and that grudgingly.)
MrTuffPaws is worng - sex doesn’t go away after marriage. After kids, maybe but it comes back when they get drivers licenses.
My personal policy is to be in a commited relationship before boinking, but it sounds like that’s not an issue. That and this is your life, so it’s your call.
The reason for such is that if you’ve been with them a while and are committed, you know who you are boinking and also have time to find out if both of you are clean(STDwise). Whatever length of time and intimacy you consider “committed” is up to you.
Short n Sweet: If you could only buy one car for the rest of your life (presumably), you’d test drive it first, I imagine. I know I would.
Long: So many couples break up or have problems because of sexual issues, I’d rather find out about any potential sex issues before I commit myself to another person. I know they can come up later and develop later on, but if she…I don’t know…just doesn’t like it or something, I don’t want to find this out 2 years down the road. And I’d want to make sure our libidos are compatible. If she only wants it once a month and you want it every day, that’s going to cause some trouble. Stuff like this keeps advice columnists in business.
Besides, otherwise you might find out she likes poo, like this poor guy.
Sex was an important point in developing my relationship with my girlfriend in that the fact that she was willing to have it with me was an early, major indication of how much she cared. And she was my first, which probably speaks for itself. Also, if we didn’t have so much practice, we wouldn’t have the amazing sex life that we have now. So not only is sex fun, the improved sex that follows is its own reward!
Beyond that, I think MrTuffPaws has it nailed. People like to pretend that love has nothing to do with sex, but a good sex life is important to a lasting relationship. You’re not doing yourself any favors by waiting. If you really want her for the longterm, you can’t just ignore something important like this. And whenever you start, it’s not gonna be great at first, so it’s good practice for working things out as a couple. As long as you’re sure you’re both clean, go to it and have a blast.
The best advice I can give you is to ask yourself one question: If you broke up next week, would you regret having sex today? It’s easy to tell yourself this is a committed relationship and to make decisions based on the assumption that you’re going to be together forever, but the sad, simple fact is that a lot of relationships aren’t forever. Anyone who doesn’t consider that eventuality when making life-altering decisions is a fool.
If you would regret having sex with someone you wound up not marrying for whatever reason, then premarital sex is probably not the right decision for you. Be very, very sure of how you feel about this before you proceed, because you can’t take it back once it’s done, and this is clearly very important to you.
MrTuffPaws, they’re not trying to impress anyone. They’re trying to do what they feel is right for them. Condescending little insults like that are rather unhelpful.
The OP has different standards than some of the others who have posted on this thread, and everyone else probably should be mindful of that. If the OP is going to regret having sex with someone he doesn’t end up marrying, he’d better wait. Doesn’t matter if some of the rest on this thread would not hesitate—we’re talking about the OP here.
One truth that I believe is universal—guilt and second thoughts are not very sexy or fun. I don’t think that the OP and his girlfriend should bring them into their sex lives, if that might be what happens if they started having sex now.
Another question: What if the girlfriend accidentally got pregnant? (Hey, it can happen.) Would a hasty marriage be possible? What other options would be considered if an “oopsie” pregnancy occurred?
CrazyCatLady and Yosemitebabe have excellent advice. So does Voyager.
Sex and Money are the two biggest sticking points in most relationships. Make sure you are clear on your needs and your expectations in all areas of your lives but these two are the biggest potential problem areas. Communication is very very very important.
I did not wait for marriage to have sex. I also knew I would not regret having sex with my partner even if we broke up the next day - on the contrary I knew I would regret forever not having had sex with him. We too had a long engagement, 5 years due to waiting to finish school and some other things that were beyond our control. We did discuss things a lot first though and we were very careful about conception control!
Oh and fear not the nay sayers… Sex doesn’t always disappear after marriage and kids. We make sure to schedule time and get a baby sitter
but it comes back when they get drivers licenses.
As long as you’re sure you’re both clean, go to it and have a blast.