I’m going to look really confused the next time I’m in Hertz.
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- I wouldn’t wait, myself…-but I know of very religious people who have, and in their families and social circles waiting until the honeymoon was expected. Some married at 18 as virgins.
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- Not me though: I gotta try before I buy. -Long before I buy, quite frankly. I only involve myself with one girl at a time, so the girlfriend is also the chew-toy–it’s part of the deal.
- I would wonder with such a situation if one person was really “denying” the other, and the other is “agreeing in order to smooth things over”…
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“How’s that, honey?”
“It Hertz!”
Out of curiosity why are you waiting? As another poster has mentioned, the feelings of the OP are what is really in discussion here. So is it a religious affiliation that is preventing making love before marriage? Is it a parental thing?
Experience: Over the years I have met several couples who have decided for one way or another to wait to make love till after their marriage. Some have been open enough with me and my future wife [getting married in a month and a half, and we certainly did NOT wait to make love]. Some have said they regret their reasoning for waiting. Or say they were forced into waiting. In my opinion religion has been the culprit for most to wait. However, when I have asked said friends who have waited they say religion was the main reason, tho with the benefit of hindsight think that they really did not have to wait.
Supressing sexual desire must take a lot of will power, especialy if you have been with someone for 4 years and not ventured beyond the simple Kiss.
I don’t think I was ever of the “no sex before marriage” camp after about age 16, but I’ll still throw in here, attempting to be somewhat unbiased.
As many people on here have said, sex is an important part of marriage. To me, getting married without having sex is akin to getting married without discussing whether or not to have children; it’s a big thing in a marriage, and once you get married, you’re more or less “stuck” with what you get.
I admire the strength you two have expressed in waiting. However, I would suggest that maybe now it’s time to break that streak, if only to confirm what you already know–that you two are right for each other.
Exactly what I was trying to say! Summed up perfectly.
BTW, if both of you are virgins I’d suggest laying down more than once…Because the first time may be a bit uncomfortable.
Do it. Then do it again.
Well, I never seriously expected to get married, so I always figured if I was going to have sex, I’d better do it when the opportunity arose…
…so to speak…
It’s just never been a big deal to me, but I do understand it is for some people. I personally just can’t see only ever having sex with one person for your whole life.
Wouldn’t you always wonder what it would have been like with someone else???
I thought there was only sex before marriage… !
Jokes aside… sex only after marriage is an antiquated tradition. Like a lot of these traditions it has no real reason to exist. I would do a test drive before buying a car… and adults should have sex due to love… not wedding rings.
Wow… As soon as I go to bed the post count jumps.
First… We’re both virgins and completely std-free. Also, we’ve been dating for four years. We’re not engaged, yet. 
Although my reasons for waiting until marriage are not because of any particular religious notion it would be safe to say that some of hers come from that direction, having been raised a catholic.
The risk of pregnancy is also of some concern… If it were to happen a hasty marriage might be arrange, but it would certainly complicate things for the time being.
Perhaps the regret thing is something the two of us should discuss… If we were to break up next week I don’t feel I would regret anything other than losing an amazing girl.
And while I can see your sentiment Rashak… It is a big deal for the both of us so we’re trying to take it slow
There have been many good points made, much appreciated… CrazyCatLady and yosemitebabe have definately given the two of us fuel for thought.
I waited until marriage, and I consider it one of the best decisions I ever made, for a lot of reasons.
People are not cars, by the way. When my car gets sick, I drive another one until it’s fixed, and some day, when it’s old and I can afford a new one, I will sell it or throw it away. This is not how I plan to treat my husband.
Is an enjoyable sex life important to you?
If yes, do it.
In no, doesn’t matter.
If you’re not already aware, good sex is, by my measure, one of life’s best experiences. Moreover, sex tastes can be quite varied, and thus incompatibilities can arise. I suggest you make it factor.
Tensoc a good friend of mine has parents who are strict Catholics. They were engaged to be married for quite some time and finally had a huge wedding that all their family and friends celebrated at.
Fast forward 20-odd years and my friend is looking at a piece of jewelry her mom had, that commemorated a date about a year and a half before their wedding date. Friend asked mom what the date was, mom looks at dad and says “Should we tell her?”
Turns out mom and dad got married secretly, well before their actual wedding, because they wanted to have sex and both felt really strongly about not having pre-marital sex.
Your circumstances may be very different, and this might not work for you. But it could be an option - just go get yourselves hitched, and have the wedding later on.
Twiddle
In my opinion, your decision should really be based on your relationship, not on your marital status. You can love someone to the point that if the relationship were to end later, you wouldn’t regret the time you had together or having shared unique experiences with them. For some people, that moment doesn’t happen until they’re married, for others it happens sooner.
Only you guys can know if you’re at the point where you wouldn’t regret being each other’s first even if you were to break up at some point down the road. If there’s any chance you’ll have regrets, go ahead and wait.
In my view a lot of people use marriage as a false benchmark for the closeness of their relationship. To me, marriage is not the start of your “real” relationship, but just a celebration of the relationship you’ve already built together.
If you’re going to leap in, you definitely want to talk this stuff out. What happens if she gets pregnant? What kind of birth control (if any) are you going to use? You should think about all the What Ifs before she misses a period and you guys start panicing. Pregnancy scares are not fun, but they do happen and if you have some semblance of a plan to cling to, you’ll feel much better.
I can honestly say that thought has never occurred to me.
I also can honestly say that I had a pretty damn good idea of my sexual tastes and preferences well before I ever started having sex. The ideas that turned me on then are still the things I enjoy doing, and the the ideas that left me cold then still leave me cold. If you can talk honestly about what you think sounds fun or not, you can have a pretty good idea of what you’re in for. If you can’t talk honestly about these things, I’d have to venture the opinion that you’re not ready to have sex, and certainly not ready to get married.
I guess I just don’t see how people can be diminished in any way by doing something vastly enjoyable together, even if they end up going their separate ways. But then, I’ve never appreciated the whole “giving my virginity” concept. Virginity is lack of experience, and, while lack of experience isn’t necessarily something to be condemned, I don’t see why it should be something to be revered either.
I guess I’m more inclined to be the type who thinks about deathbed regrets, rather than regrets about perfect timing. There’s a time and a place for prudence and caution, but there’s also a time and a place to think “what if I get run over by a bus tomorrow?”
At the risk of seeming facetious, I don’t see sex as being like “Let’s make a deal.” There are no special Grand Prizes that you only get if you pass up all the little deals first.
I’m onboard with cher3 100%. I find the entire “preserve your virginity” idea to be… well, I just don’t understand it at all. Sex is a pretty fundamental part of the human experience; deliberately avoiding it just doesn’t seem logical or reasonable to me. The concept of “giving my virginity” is a total nothingless to me, a bit of social convention and religious malarkey. You cannot “give” someone your not having done something.
I certainly would not suggest people go around banging anything that moves, but I also would not suggest people do ANYTHING to excess, and if you don’t want to have sex, that’s your decision. I don’t understand it or see any value in it and my personal advice is that you should start sleeping together, with the proper precautions, but it’s your call. Moderation in all things, I say.
but I will add one more poijt of agreement: sex and money are what will kill your marriage as dead as Dillinger if you don’t get those things squared away. You’d better make sure you guys agree on those things.
Wait a minute. Doesn’t somebody check to see if you’re married or not first before you can get a new marriage license to check for polygamy and the like?
Aren’t you married? Get off her!
Oh, wait.