Thoughts on sex before marriage?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Anyone who say’s sex is not a very important part of a marriage is kidding themselves.

I waited till my wedding night, we had been together for 3.5 years beforehand. (He was also a virgin) The sex was crap!

When we used to muck around making-out etc I thought he was okay, he was a great kisser. But over the first year the sex was horrible! I wish I’d known that.
I had nothing to compare him to, and nor did he… so we blundered our way through 15 months of stupid sex to end up divorcing.

Though the funny thing is that I’m glad I waited, it gives me a good feeling inside to know that I wasn’t flippant with my sex through my teens, and it enabled me to achieve more in life.
So many I speak to say they wish they had waited and made their first time something special, and I definetly had that. So I don’t regret waiting, but I wonder if it had something to do with the relationship not working.

This is going to sound strange, but I was also in the ‘closet’ which didn’t help!

So my opinion is rather useless, except that I agree with the comments regarding being in a committed realtionship.

Are you holding off because of religious views?

Because that’s a whole other kettle of fish…(sorry is that only an Aussie term?):smack:

42

Still trying to figure out what a kettle of fish has to do with sex ahh well, perhaps another thread…
It’s nice to see some opinions from both sides… the thing is, this is a huge deal for us, even if it isn’t for everyone. So we’re obviously trying to take it slow…but I do appreciate everyone’s thoughts on the matter.

After catching her on the phone earlier, she’d like to talk tonight, so we’ll see. it’s an important topic for us. Especially with marriage outside the realm of reasonable possibility for at least a couple years.

43

Slight hijack.

How does one find out, without actually HAVING sex, whether or not you and your SO are compatible sexually?

I didn’t get from your OP that this was an issue with you and your girlfriend. For many people it’s not.

If you consider sex a minor part of your relationship, and as other posters have eloquently stated, if you feel that you might be making an irreversible mistake by having sex before the marriage, then definitely wait, as you’d originally planned.

44

Most men would be sexually compatible with any available tree stump. I certainly hope that sex will be a part of your relationship. You’ve been an item for so long. I see no reason not to go for the gusto.

Just my 2 cents.

  • PW
45

It’s fine as long as it doesn’t delay the ceremony…

46

I’m just curious … how far HAVE you two gone, intimacy-wise? I don’t mean I want details … but some people define sex simply as “going all the way” … whereas others think anything more than kissing is sex.

I believe fooling around can tell you a lot about someone’s sexual & sensual nature, and it can also be very satisfying in its own right.

Also, how old are you? That makes a big difference too - for some reason I get the impression you’re very articulate but quite young.

I wouldn’t get married to someone just to have sex! I hope those who suggest that are joking …

But having said that, I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who I wasn’t sexually compatible with.

I hope your talk goes well and you both find some answers to these questions … Good luck!

47

And remember – the odds of getting pregnant are very, very slim when you use proper birth control. I’m sure people can produce instances where birth control has failed, my sister was the result of a not very good vasectomy after all! But for everyone that’s wound up with a surprise kid there’s thousands of people who have had sex thousands of times without ever having an accident.

48

Ah, but SilentGoldfish, it’s not just the actual unplanned pregnancies, it’s also the pregnancy scares. I think most people get those; I’ve had two in seven years of marriage, and my cycles are like clockwork. There’s nothing like the suspense of thinking you might be pregnant unexpectedly for bringing you down to earth with a thump–except, of course, for when you find out you are.

I don’t think you could say thousands. I know an awful lot of people who had surprise kids despite birth control; it’s got to be more like 1-2% of couples who use BC. Numbers, anyone?

49

It does? My sex never went away…

50

And do all your future wedding guests a favour: if you do end up “saving yourselves for marriage” please do not read every damn long-winded reference to a woman’s premarital chastity in the Bible to the packed audience of friends and relatives in the stifling heat of an un-airconditioned Central Valley church in August.
[Comic Book Guy]Worst. Wedding. Ever.[/Comic Book Guy]

51

And there’s something sweet about discovering sex together, finding out what makes you both tick. I dated a guy who was also a virgin and we learned about our wants together, though we never married (oooooh wait… OP was waiting in general, oops!).

Personally, I do not regret the fact that I didn’t wait until wed. I regret that I was 15, I should have waited a few years but in my defense, I was in a steady relationship that lasted 7 years. Everyone figured we would marry, it seemed headed that way.

I won’t judge other people on waiting or not, and it’s not going to really help you to read about others situations. The heart and the brain will each have their say about it. Personal preference and what feels right should be a guide. BTW, sex is a natural thing and it’s good for your health.

Sounds like you’re with someone you can trust, which is the best! That trust will also be a guide. Good luck with your choice.

52

Congratulations on having the nerve to say you waited until marriage. Obviously it is not the politically correct thing to say.

I’m also glad you attacked that old cliche about the car. Someone always has to say that when this subject comes up. It is almost as old as “How do you know you like bourbon, if you’ve never tasted scotch?” :rolleyes:

53

It has nothing to do with being PC, kniz. Nor has anybody been attacked for waiting. :stuck_out_tongue:

Granted, it’s very hoary. But it’s not intended to apply to every aspect of cars. The analogy is apt in that it may be a rather large issue to jump into blindly, and that’s all it’s supposed to be.

54

Wait until marraige? I’m shocked this still happens. I guess I could fathom the concept for depression-era couples. Maybe even baby-boomers…wait, scratch that, baby boomers were in their teens in the sixties, not a virgin to be found there. But in today’s world? It just seems…no adjective suffices. I’m 32, and have never been married. Should I be a virgin? How sad and pathetic that would be.

Why would you want to wait? I can only guess…

Fear? Fear is only good when it makes you cautious. Paralyzing fear is never good. Fear of pregnancy and STD’s is good and healthy. The best bet is to both use protection…using a condom while she’s on the pill is pretty damn effective

Religion? In general, religion gives horrible advice about sex. Case in point: the “no birth control” edict wreaks havoc[sup]*[/sup] in the world, and really has no merit except for increasing the ranks of the religion preaching it. I guess my question would be: Do you obey every rule of the religion, including dietary and labor restrictions? (Christians can’t work on Sunday, for example.) If not, why is the premarital sex rule more important than the ones you don’t follow?

Because you’re too young? That would be the most powerful argument. But if you were old enough to start dating 4 years ago, you are old enough to have sex now.

Personally, I do not commend your desire to wait at all. I think the very idea is crazy and unhealthy, along the same lines as holding women as property and prohibition. I think the recommendations that “if you might regret having sex, you shouldn’t have it” are crazy as well. Life is about risk. If you live your life avoiding everything you might regret, your life will end up being an empty husk of what it could have been. You might regret a week-long ski vacation to Whistler if you break your leg…but only a fool would back out for that reason.

[Note: the following paragraph applies to people I know IRL, not necessarily replies in this thread.]
I can’t help wondering if the people who say they wished they had waited would have rather had whomever was their second be their first? Could it be possible that their first would have been better if it were their second? Or are they really wishing they had waited for a hypothetical experience that never would have happened? “If I had waited, I would have met that perfect someone who would have made my first time a glorious experience for the ages.”

It just seems to me that exploring your sexuality is a formative experience that should take place in the late teens, whereas marriage is an adult endeavor that should take place no earlier than mid-to-late twenties.

But if you really want to have a six-year long sexless relationship followed by an awkward and uncomfortable wedding night, by all means, have at it.

In my world, if you save anything, you save the freaky sex for marriage. Sort of the opposite of the “backdoor catholics,” if you know what I mean. (Although I’ve experienced just about every kind of sex I ever had a desire to try. “Saving” just isn’t my bag.)

[sup]*[/sup]Even Mother Theresa has been criticized about the no birth control stance…it served only to overpopulate starving communities, not to mention helping the spread of AIDS.

55

To the OP - What is the worse that could happen by making Love before Marriage?

I mean there is a distinct possibility you both will kick yourselves after you get married and make love saying, “why oh why didn’t we do this earlier.”
Or worse case scenerio, “Am I a terrible Lover?” or " I like it more than he/she does…"
The latter is like water in a rock, it erodes a marriage over time.

56

Many thanks to all the people willing to share advice on this thread… Needless to say, some of the points made here were discussed between us last night…

We definately agreed with some of what was said here… It helps to have someone else put into words your own jumbled thoughts at times. It certainly helps give a person a little more insight into a situation.
But, we’ve talked about it for awhile now and feel we’ve made a mutually agreeable decision…

Thanks again.

57

It depends on what you think is right. Many people still wait; most of my friends did, and seem to be happy about it. One was (gasp) 31, and no one thought it was sad or pathetic at all.

Well, here are my reasons. Don’t know about the OP, of course.

Not for all STDs. Not all the time. STDs alone is a pretty good reason to wait, IMO, especially for women. For example, I lived in the CA Bay Area a few years ago, where the chlamydia rate for sexually active teen girls was 10%–and that’s just the ones who know. The numbers are similar in the UK. Chlamydia often has no symptoms, and untreated, can result in infertility for women. Then there’s herpes (incurable!), genital warts (transmits with condom), and a bunch of others with various awful effects. And as we’ve seen from the high unplanned pregnancy and STD rates, an awful lot of people just plain don’t use protection all or even some of the time. Even with protection, it’s called safer sex, because it still ain’t safe. I can’t say I’m afraid of STDs though–because I’ve never once had to worry about them.

This was the primary reason for me. (My religion does not prohibit BC, though it does place limits upon it.) I happen to think that my religion gives very good advice indeed about sex, which is why I followed it. The advice consists of: sex is good and wonderful and great, and is meant to be limited to within the bounds of marriage. And yes, I do try to follow every rule, including dietary and labor restrictions.

Disagree. What if they started dating at 12? I think 16 is too young. 'Course, I think before marriage is too young, and definitely before 18 (I’m not a big fan of 17-yo brides!).

So what’s so terrible about an awkward and uncomfortable wedding night? It can also, at the same time, be a wonderful experience that is more about exploring together and expressing love than about getting it over with. I daresay my wedding night was about average, but it’s a lovely memory, and we had a lot of fun with no pressure. I’d be sorry to have to remember all that happening with a different person who I don’t even like anymore. My husband and I have our own little world; I’ve never wondered if his last girlfriend was ‘better’ or thinner or whatever. He’s never had to worry that I’m comparing him with other guys, or that one of us has an undiagnosed STD. We learned together what we enjoy and how to have fun, and it’s utterly private between us.

58

Not being with someone anymore doesn’t necessarily mean “not liking them”. I wouldn’t say that having an “awkward uncomfortable Wedding night” would be so awful. What would scare me about it would be that THAT was IT. That what you started with would be it for my sex life from that point forward. I’m not against it, I’m just curious (and had asked earlier in this thread) how on earth would one KNOW if you were sexually compatible with your mate without having already had sex?

Unless sex weren’t already a rather low priority item within your relationship. To me, and it’s just mho, the physical is at least one third of a three pronged part of a relationship (like a three legged stool, it can’t stand up with only two). The other two parts being mental (lifestyles, intellegence etc) and spiritual (love styles, where you want to be in your lives etc).

If the sex were inadequate in quality and/or quantity, to ME, that would be a dealbreaker, and I’d really hate to find that out AFTER the wedding.

So how did those of you who did wait get over that obstacle? And for the women, is sex “adequate”? Not just “nice” and or “having fun” but (sorry, I’m trying to find a delicate polite way to put this), are YOU doing more than just “enjoying” it? As in are you getting the “Os” out of your sex life?

I don’t think that the fact that a person with whom you had a relationship NOT having seen other people naked, nor had sex with them would prevent them from “comparing” you, IF that’s the type of person they were going to be anyway. I mean a person could always compare your thinness or lack of thinness regardless of whether they’d seen you naked. They could also compare your cooking, or personality with past girlfriends despite the fact that they had still been virgins.

In other words, I don’t think it’s “not having had sex before marriage” that has resulted in your husband and you not comparing each other to other people. You sound as if you wouldn’t be that cruel or rude ANYWAY, and I assume that he’s likely the same?

59

As a matter of fact, I’m on friendly terms with both of my ex-boyfriends–but that doesn’t mean that I’m fond of remembering how great the sex with them was. (Actually, they were both kind of annoyed that I wouldn’t sleep with them, but they survived.) Anyway, how do I KNOW? Well, I’m happy with what we’ve got. It’s been over seven years, and we’ve gotten pretty good at it by now, I think–practice makes perfect. :stuck_out_tongue: Our habits and preferences have changed over time; we’ve gone through phases of preferring this or that, and learning to deal with each others’ calendars. What we started with is definitely not what we stayed with! For me, it’s much more a question of love leading to a good sex life than the other way round; a willingness to work things out and be considerate of one another is an important element of any relationship which I feel works well in the sexual area, too.

Before the wedding, we talked about sex and made sure that we could communicate about it. We are both invested in both of us having a good time, and have read up and worked on it. And you’d be surprised what a bunch of married Mormon women will talk about when no one else is around, so it’s not like we’ve ever operated in a vacuum. I’m not clueless about the possiblities or unaware that other people are having fun, too. (Guess who got ahold of the sex books before the wedding?)

I’m quite pleased with the quality of my life in general, thankyouverymuch, and that’s all you’re getting out of me. :wink: My complaints have much more to do with the fact that we have a 3-yo and a 5-month-old baby, and the baby is still sleeping in our room (she’s moving out this week, yippee!) than with my husband’s technique. That and the way we had the last baby; it turns out that a planned c-section without labor will tighten you up to a pre-wedding condition, maybe even more so. Bleah. Well, at least I’ll never have the opposite problem…

60

It’s a little bit of a tangent I’m getting into, but I have to say…

I’ve noticed something—people get so caught up labeling other people over their sex lives. Some people who love sex and want a lot of it seem to be overly concerned about the “virgins by choice” set. They call the virgins “sad” and tell them to just “do it.” And then the “virgins by choice” set can get very high-and-mighty and sanctimonious about the (unmarried) people who love sex and want a lot of it. I think both these kind of people are reacting from their own insecurities. They are more bugged than they ought to be by someone else not having sex, or having sex. I think it is because they feel that the “other side” is “judging” them. But very often, the “other side” just wants to keep their private life private. It’s no one else’s business. What is right for one person is not right for another person.

If someone is happy waiting to have sex until they feel they are “ready” (whatever that means for them) then they should just be left alone with their decision. If their reasons are based on religion, that’s fine—just leave them alone about it. Their lack of a sex life isn’t really anyone else’s business.

If a person is having a great time having lots of sex with whoever and whatever, and they are not risking their health and not hurting other people, then people should leave them alone with that too. Yeesh. Everyone has a right to a private life.

I know that the OP asked for opinions so of course it’s appropriate for people to give opinions—the OP asked for them, after all! But I have to say, on general principles, making judgmental statements about others’ sex lives (or lack of sex life) rubs me the wrong way.

But I know, I know—the OP specifically asked for opinions! But I do think that since they (the OP and his girlfriend) have waited this long, they must have had a good reason for doing so. I think that it’s very likely that their sensibilities are probably vastly different than those who would not hesitate to have sex for a second. And I think that people should be mindful of that, and take that into consideration. It does no good to just react with astonishment and imply (ever so subtly) that there’s something freaky or “sad” about waiting that long. Not that I am sure that anyone has flat-out done that so far, but I hope no one does.