Hi, I’ve been meaning to thank you for a long time. From what I understand, you and your brethren are the reason I haven’t seen a spider in this apartment for about 4 years, or a roach in about 6. If indeed you’ve been munching on those things as you find them and have been keeping them away from me, any words of gratitude are insufficient. Love ya for it, seriously. You’re more than welcome to stay for as long as you want. Enjoy the music and the central air.
But, and there’s always a but, right? There are house rules you have to abide by. Mainly, you have to stay hidden, ok? I hate to bring this up, because it’s kinda rude, but let’s be honest here. I don’t want to see you. You freak me the fuck out. I know, I know, you can’t help how you look. You are as god/evolution (your belief of choice) made you and all that, but you give me nightmares and I can’t help my reaction when I see one of you. Maybe I don’t scream and jump on a chair, but that’s only because I’m not the screaming type, and there’s stuff on all the chairs.
Stay in the shadows, if you’d be so kind. There are lots of crevices and dark places for you to lurk. If you have to go from one place to another across open territory, or want to entertain our bored cat, please do it at a time when I’m not home and won’t have to see you. Would that be alright? Good. We have an understanding.
Thanks again, and enjoy your meals.
ps, come to think of it, you can’t. Sorry about that whole squashing thing. It was just a gut reaction. I’ll try to refrain next time.