Dear Jewelry Store With A Sign Out Front

The BBQ Pit
1

What the fuck are you thinking?!?

I was out running this morning past a few small businesses and this store had this sign out front:

McGilicutty’s Fine Jewelry

What better way is there to say, “Jump me when I walk out of this store, I have a brand new diamond necklace in this bag. These giant diamonds are so awesome and high class that I needed a team of experts with a REALLY big sign to help me pick it out. And if I’m buying jewelry, you know that I have a wife or girlfriend, so you can follow me home and peek in the window when she’s in the shower.”

I get that it’s a great form of advertising, but certainly not for the customer.

2

Is that link the one you intended? It took me to the “Dear Geek Squad Home Theatre Installation” thread…

3

Parody thread.

4

Read the thread.

5

Obviously they should operate in the shadows, behind a plaster facade of a 99 cent store, and only show jewelry to people who know the password. You get the password by going into the building marked “No passwords in here, and no criminals allowed”.

This would help but it isn’t a complete solution. Publisher’s clearing house continues to inform the public that I might already have won over $1 million.

6

What kind of a paranoid loser worries about being robbed?

I modified my front living room to look like a store front, so that people walking by can look inside and see all the great stuff I have.

I also replaced my truck with plexiglass so that when I’m parked people walking by can see all the great stuff I keep in my trunk.

I know all kinds of people like that and none of them have ever gotten robbed, I consider that proof that it keeps buglers away.

7

Well, who wouldn’t want to keep buglers away? Damned “Taps” at oh-dark-thirty . . .

8

That thread turned out to be an even bigger waste of time than I imagined. But I’ll give it credit for spawning this great thread.

The biggest problem? Obviously the banks.

emack - Do the buglers play before or after a house gets robbed?

9

All but the most hardened buglers would avoid any confrontation with the home owner if they possibly could.

But still, the prisons are full of buglers who thought they could get away with belting out just a few quick bars before making their escape.

10

Even the most hardened of criminals knows not to rob a monkey with a gun.

11

I thought you lived in Canada. I live in USA and I keep my doors unlocked during teh day and I keep my car keys in the car. Perhaps you should consider raising taxes to pay for policemen.

12

They call them Mounties. I think it’s because in their spare time, they’ll mount flat screens from Best Buy to the walls.

13

And don’t even get me started on these bags!
What the hell are they thinking?!? Making you carry your purchase home in that.
Might as well wear a neon sign saying ‘please rob me’.

14

Great - now I’ll be thinking of this post and giggling next time I’m stopped by them on the highway.

15

I do all my gift shopping for Mrs. J. at McGilicutty’s Cheesy Knock-Offs.

16

That’s just as bad, because now you’re carrying a giant neon advertisement for cheesy criminals. Do you want to be mugged by some dude with a freeze ray yelling “Ice to see you!”?

Because that’s what’ll happen.

17

That’s why whenever my wife and I go out for a fancy dinner we first dress in our old painting clothes. We take my suit and her dress in an old rucksack with us and then change in the bathroom of the restaurant. We just got a Porsche 911 GT3 but we keep it at the dealer’s (we didn’t want anyone to follow us home and steal it) and take a taxi. She doesn’t wear the 3-karat diamond ring I got her when we got engaged; it is kept in a safe deposit box at the bank (the sign says “Joe’s Ordinary Diner” to keep a low profile) and she wears a fake one.

Can’t be too safe.

18

Nah. It’s because of the kinky things they do to their horses.

19

Now this is how a parody thread should be done.

20

Crime capital of America.

I’m always hearing about the crimes of this place.