Way too long - TLDR - I did the right thing the wrong way and encountered a bunch of shit that confirms my slight regard for my fellow man.
At about 7:30 tonight my wife and I take the kids out for a pre-bedtime walk around the block. All was going great; the kids showed off their balancing on a peg-fence and babbled about squirrels, transformers and other stuff that occupies five year old minds. It was pleasant.
We turn the corner and start heading up Tertiary Street and see a couple of people in the middle of the road and a bunch of people standing by a limo that is blocking Tertiary Street and the West-bound lane of a two lane street. There were no raised voices so I figured it was drunk people doing drunk shit on a big night out.
When we got close enough to make out what was happening (my night vision isn’t the best) I saw that it was some guy hassling some woman. She kept trying to pull away and he kept holding on to her and shaking her. The harder she tried to leave the more diligently he prevented her.
At this point I did something stupid. I intervened. I didn’t think about it, I just saw some woman being assaulted and stepped in.
“DA FUCK?!?” I yelled as I approached the two of them.
“I’m out with my kids and they don’t need to see this shit, the fuck man?!”
Buddy turned his attention to me and as soon as he was distracted she ran like fuck down the street. She fled.
Buddy is nothing but cool as he says, “Hey, no problem, sorry.” Clearly all 5’10" and 145 of me was sufficiently intimidating to convince him to smarten up.
One of his buddies hanging out at the limo decides to puff up and start toward me. The other folks pull him back (he didn’t make much of an effort) and trundle him off into the limo which drives away.
On the one hand I’m happy that I did what I did - though I could have handled it a bit differently - because she was clearly afraid and I’ve always told my kids that if you see someone being bullied you should step in and help.
I’m glad that they got to see that I mean what I’ve said.
On the other hand I was outnumbered about eight to one and my kids were there. Had it turned ugly my kids would have gotten to see me get fed my teeth.
Truth be told, none of this entered my mind at the time. In the moment I saw someone that seemed to need help and I provided it.
We walked home and I called the limo service. I insisted upon speaking to a manager and got a guy named Joyous (not his real name - but it is a synonym.) I explained what had happened in a stern and adrenalized voice.
Joyous said, “Well, I’ll have to talk to the driver when he gets off shift and ask his side of things.”
I lost my shit.
Had he said something like, “No shit? I’m going to call him and get to the bottom of this and call you back ASAP.” I would not have lost my shit. But he was almost flippant about it and acted like it was largely inconsequential and so I flipped.
I yelled, “Are you kidding me?! You’ll wait for Christ knows how long and then ask about it! That is not acceptable at all!” Yes, I can yell coherently.
“Should he have gotten beaten up?”
“No! But he could have at least radioed that there was trouble or called the cops!”
“How do you know he didn’t?”
“Did he radio that there was trouble?”
“No.”
“And I saw no evidence of the cops.”
“So if customers get rowdy it is the driver’s job to stop them?”
“He stopped in a way that blocked half of Cross Avenue and completely blocked off Tertiary Street. Not only did he not help he blocked two streets and watched while she was getting assaulted. He didn’t even call for help!”
“So what exactly do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? Is that what you want?”
“No, maybe, I don’t know but I do know that one of your drivers broke a number of traffic laws so a woman could be assaulted and when I broke it up he took them back in the limo and drove them to wherever.”
“Well if you don’t know what you want me to do then why do you think I would know what I should do?”
I admit, this one stumped me. I briefly gnawed on my tongue and composed myself somewhat and then said in a very strained - though no longer yelling - voice, “I expect a remedy that is more than I’ll eventually talk to him. If I don’t hear back from you within a half an hour I’m calling the cops and tomorrow I’m filing a complaint with the taxi board.”
I guess then it was his turn to yell, “You want to call the police, then you fucking call them! You call them. Call them! You want the taxi board go to the taxi board!”
So I called the cops and tomorrow I go down to the cop-shop to make a formal statement because it seems tonight is a very busy night for them. <-- not sarcastic at all I live in a pretty rough town despite the city council’s PR.
With the background dispensed with I now begin the pitting in earnest:
1st guy - Smarten the fuck up! If a woman doesn’t want to be around you then deal with it and move the fuck on. I’ll give you credit for being reasonable and backing off when I stepped in - but really man!
To his friends - There were seven or eight of you and not one of you thought to tune the fuckwad in? For shame on all of you. I can’t think of a single reason for not getting your friend to dummy up that doesn’t make each of you look like pathetic pieces of amoeba shit.
To Puffed-up Guy - It is clear that your balls and brain are of roughly equal dimensions. You didn’t even make a legitimate show of it. You briefly bloviated and allowed a few gentle "get in the car"s to placate you. At least try to make it look like you were going to back it up. Come on man, let’s see pretense of tough-gut determination before you, inevitably, allow your friends to coax you into sparing me your Thorrish wrath.
To the Driver - You facilitated an assault by blocking off the street. You did fuck all to assist this woman - like saying, “get in the car or I’m leaving and your night is done.” You didn’t even call the cops or dispatch you craven, yellow-streaked, frog-sperm nothingth of a slightly human slug. Fuck you and the ecuses-for-eugenics that spawned your milquetoast ass.
To Joyous - Fuck every inch of you with a Mickey Mouse-eared dick. One that is on fire. And crawling with bullet ants - who are also on fire. I know the cab company that the limos are attached to and I can promise you that none of my family or friends will ever set foot in your cabs again. And I promise you, you mealy-mouthed cunt, I will pursue this to the ends of the fucking earth and I will dribble happy spit on you as you are dragged through the coals.
Incidentally - I know your dad, he likes my wife and I. I can’t wait to refuse his car and tell him why.
Each and every one of these people can take a long and satisfying slurp of my asshole after I’ve eaten taco-bell and had a habanero enema <-- yes, I know, but I’d be willing to endure it just so that they’d have to.
Zeke
