Dear Microsoft- I Hate You

Dear Microsloth,

I hate you. A lot. When I went to change mail programs, your program Entourage bit the giant syphlictic donkey cock. It refuses to send mail. At all.


I talk to tech support at my ISP. We quickly realize the problem is with your software.

I write your fancy-pants paid tech support people about my problem. Luckily, 4 communications with your fancy-pants tech support team cost nothing with my software. Sadly, I’m getting exactly what I am paying for them. Why the hell can’t you open screen shots in any other format than PDF? WHy can I not include them in my emails to you? Certainly you have no difficulty in sending them to me that way. I think you may be making things up as we go.

Over the past 5 days you have repeatedly emailed me with “solutions” that are at times assine and sometimes bizarre. Often they end up completely side-stepping the issue entirely, and attempt to fix parts of your fucking program that aren’t broken.

I get the strong sense that your tech support is sending me random hot key responses instead of actual relevent information. I doubt I am even talking to a human. Whatever is on the other end of my communications, it certainly does not pass the Turing test.

I hate you. You fill me with grrr. Don’t make me rent your company an apartment here in Hayward. Because I will. And there will be much suffering.

Pig fuckers. Come next winter, you will all be my personal snoeshoes.

:wally :wally :wally :wally :mad: :mad: :mad:

I thought renting in Hayward was in and of itself punishment. :confused:

That’s the point. I will punish them by making them live here.

PS- After I tell you exactly why your hotkey response is not helpful, and provide documentation from my ISP also saying that this is NOT the issue, RESENDING THE SAME DAMN MESSAGE to me will not magically fix it.

You fill me with grrr.

I realized that about 3 nanoseconds after hitting submit. Remind me to never get you grrr at me.

I do not grr at you. I figured as much. It is too late at night for reading, I think.

Don’t know why, but I love that line.

As long as you’re willing to use their stuff, I don’t think Microsoft gives a toot how you feel.

I love this expression!

Seriously, I suspect any Microsoft humans involved in this situation are at best minimally conscious. Sadly, I know nothing of the program that’s causing you problems, so I can offer only sympathy.

I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been snow in Hayward since the last time people walked across the Bering Strait.

Just an FYI…

I used to work at MS and (a small) part of my job was to work with email based and news group based support. MS has an in house app called CANMAN. The name stands for Canned Response Manager. It is filled with (what else?) canned responses. 90% of the time that is what they send out to the users because the responses have been approved by management.

I have stolen your grrr. I have no choice, as it is simply too cool. Fear not, I shall not use it here, least you turn your grrr upon me.

A lot of people who aren’t willing still use it, unfortunately.

Don’t get mad, inkleberry, but I am adopting it too! I’m trying to quit cursing and this is an excellent substitute. Don’t fight it if it becomes a Doperism.