Dear Mr. Rattlesnake

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Mr. Rattlesnake:

I feel I must complain about the declining quality of education provided these days in rattlesnake school.

What are you teaching your younger generation? In olden times, (the past 31 years) not One Single Rattlesnake ventured into my yard. Two copperheads and one cottonmouth, yeah, but those are inferior species so allowances must be made. Then too, three in 31 years ain’t too bad.

But last year one rattlesnake verntured into the yard and had to be dispatched. I wrote him off as being one of those rare cases that won’t pay attention to elders. Then another one last week and I’m thinkin’ WTF?

Then there’s this afternoon!
I built this small (6 by 10 foot) dog run for the tiny dog that lives inside the house here, just so he wouldn’t get into trouble. (You do know how dumb dogs are right?)
Then this afternoon the Missus is out in the run with the dog, they’re minding their own business, when your cousin shows up.
The dog barks and the missus scoops him up and yells at me through the window “Snaaaaakeee! A Big One!!!”

Your stupid cousin, of some 4 & 1/2 feet if you care, has positioned him/herself in front of the side door to the house, effectively penning the missus and her dog in the small run with no way out. How dumb is that?

So I go grab a gun but then the stupid cat has positioned herself (wisely outside the dog-pen wire and away from the snake) in direct line of fire where the .22 bullet will ricochet after passing through the snake and hitting the concrete pad he’s coiled up on.
I go back in the house and find a piece of plastic to toss at the cat so I can shoot the snake. The cat runs away, but then the yard dog wakes up.

Now, it’s in the yard dog’s job description to bark when a snake enters the yard, but in this case she’s failed miserably.
“I’ll make up for it”, says Yard Dog to herself and starts barking wildly and racing about, and the wife’s yellin’ “Hurry up!” and the little dog’s yappin’ in her arms and tryin’ to get down so he can get snake-bit and the rattlesnake is buzzin’ like a flock of them 17-year locusts and in other words, all hell’s broke loose.

So I shoot the snake through the head, which is good. But the way (s)he is coiled up, the bullet also passes through the middle of the snake and so snake blood and snake guts and snake shit get blown all over the place and I’ve got to do this big-ass clean up job.

Now to the point, Mr. Rattlesnake:

I keep this lawn mowed very closely. The two small patches of woods that are within 50 yards of the house are burned every winter, and there are no brush piles or other areas attractive to snakes close to the house.
When I’m walking in the distant Big Woods and come across you and yours, do I hit y’all with sticks or throw rocks at you? NO! I walk around if possible. Or if you’re laying in the only path, I back up three steps, get a running start and jump over you. No harm, no foul and we both get a little rush out of it, right?

So, I give you your space. Please ask your children to give me mine!

Return to fundamentals in the rattlesnake schools, please! Simple courses, such as:
Mowed lawns are not good for us.
There are no yummie rabbits or rats in cleared places with no brush piles.
Humans and dogs should be avoided, and they live in or near houses, so stay away from houses.

Just a few simple courses like that and order can be restored around here. I know, you’re going to complain about how the younger generation is going to be the end of the world and all that. “Kids these days!” and such.

Bullshit! Make 'Em Learn! Or else I’ll shoot.

Good day, Sir Rattlesnake

2

Dear Mr. John Carter of Mars :

Beware! Do not test our patience, for we are powerful, and quick to anger! We have come to claim the yard that is rightfully ours. If your offspring insist on intruding into our new, expanded sphere of influence, well, don’t fret too much. Human young are not at challenging an opponent as the fully grown males of homo sapiens. Watch your step when you choose to encroach on our play area!

3

Poor little(!) rattlesnake. It spends a week and a half just struggling to get out of New Orleans, and what do you do? You Shoot it! Blood all over the place. Should have better served it up a hot rattlesnake meal, and offered a cozy bed. You know, in California, they treat their rattlesnakes with Respect.

4

You should have kept it and learned to milk the venom. You can get a good price for venom, or so I hear, and you and the snake would both serve a useful purpose. Next time, consider the rattlesnake as a business opportunity.

5

You have killed one of us, but we’re making more while you sleep.

6

Did you make an example out of the offending snake? A nice pair of boots, or perhaps a belt buckle? Did you at least put it’s head on a pike to serve as a warning to other snakes: Don’t slither here or I will tread on you?

7

Biggest rattler I’ve ever seen was in Alabama, the day after almost stepping on a way too agressive watermoccasin, this a couple of days after seeing a dead 97 lb rattler in the paper. Bama’s got some big ass snakes.

8

Are you going to eat it? Rattlesnake meat is pretty good.

Growing up Louisiana and living in Massachusetts now, I kind of miss having to watch out for poisonous snakes. It just gave every trip into the yard or woods that certain “edge”. My wife, who is from here, can’t even relate. I don’t miss water mocassins though. Every one of those fuckers can burn in hell and I will supply the wood.

Even still, you should see how many snakes there are on my 2 1/2 acres in the distant Boston suburbs. I don’t know why but it seems to put everywhere else I have lived to shame just by sheer numbers. This is like their designated meeting area. My 3 year old daughter loves snakes and makes me catch them for her so that she can “pet them”. I refuse to catch anything over three feet for her but there are plenty to choose from. I have caught five for her this year and let over a dozen go.

My father shoy a 7 foot rattlesnake crossing a road in Texas once. He came home and put it in our freezer without telling anyone. I came home and opened the freezer and almost jumped out of my skin.

9

Perhaps the beekeeper guy needs a sideline. John Carter should mention it to him.

10

I for one welcome our new serpant overlords.

11

My friend, clearly what you need is a mongoose

Rowr!

:smiley:

12

DiosaBellissima, a warning, please. That “Rowr” pic was just scary. I’ve not seen taxidermy that bad since I looked at Audabon’s book of mammal portraits of North America. <shuddering>

13

If any of you ever get the chance to hear Tim Bedore’s (a comic) “Vague But True” story about how the animals hate humans and are conspiring to take over, go for it.

I just wish the copyright rules were suspended for one day. I’d quote it verbatim. It is an unknown classic.

14

There’s a Crotalus on the SDMB? :eek: :eek: :eek:

Be that as it may, to you and others who’ve posted regarding the new serpentine overlords: Beware! I plan to catch every king snake I find and release it in the yard. They’ll eat your babies with gusto. (heh)

Nice thought, but not so. Rikki Tikki Tavi can kill the cobra, which strikes at a downward angle, and is quite slow. The rattlesnake is a little too quick and mean for Rikki.

LouisB, I think it takes more than one rattler to get a marketable quantity of venom. I’m not interested in starting a rattlesnake farm.(Though recent events tend to indicate that I already have one.)

As far as what I did with the carcass, I threw it under the power lines, whence I heard buzzards squawking over the remains this afternoon.
I have cleaned and eaten a rattlesnake in the past, but that was in harder times. Now I can afford beef, so I skip the snake fritters.

I’d tell you I killed another one today, on the road about 100 yards from the house, but y’all would think I’m bullshittin’ ya’ even though I wouldn’t be. Bullshittin’ ya’, that is.

My theory is this: Three years ago a timber company thinned a large tract of timber that borders this place. Thinning results in increased populations of rabbits and rodents, which in turn increases the rattler’s food supply, which in turn results in more rattlesnakes. Maybe them trees will grow fast, re-establish a canopy and the food supply will decline to acceptable levels.

This Year’s Model, I don’t think Bubba would be up for milkin’ rattlesnakes. I could do it, but I ain’t of a notion…

15

A market for venom? From who-He Who Must Not Be Named?

That does it, I’m moving to Ireland. Too goddamned many snakes in this country.

16

Rattlesnake is way more expensive than beef if you’re purchasing it from an exotic meat butcher. Last place I tried to get it from was 55 bucks a pound. Just FYI :wink:

Damn, I want me some fried rattlesnake now. :frowning:

17

I’d just like to mention that I took that and the other rattlesnake pictures myself. Look out, Crocodile Hunter!

Crikey!

18

I had forgotten that nifty little factoid! I used to own a California Kingsnake, pictured here before The Caddy decided there was going to be no lovin’ until it was gone. So I donated it to one of the high school biology teachers with generous visitation. :slight_smile:

Anyway, one the neatest things of the kingsnake is that it’s immune to the venom of many ofther snakes.

Man, what a great pet he was. Named him Ceaser.

19

Nah. They use it to produce antivennin, which is administered to snake-bite victims.

You are one brave guy, duffer. Here’s hopin’ The Caddy doesn’t happen across this thread!

I had the unusual experience of watching a Kingsnake catch and eat a Cottonmouth in this manner once. Cool, but leaves ya’ with a queasy feeling. Kinda’ gross looking, actually.

20

And it sounds like he gutted it for you and everything! Now he has to learn how to dress a deer with one shot and he’ll never have to buy beef again.