Dear producers at CNN, FNC, and MSNBC,
As national/international news outlets, you really should cover news that affects your entire market. You give too much time to covering fairly mundane stories in New York, but I’ll give you a pass on that. Since you have all learned from Uncle Rupert that hot chicks can read a teleprompter as good as anyone, I am prepared to let a lot of little complaints go unvoiced.
24 hours per day is a lot of time, I know. But how about background pieces on the various places we are at war in? (Or soon will be.) How about in-depth interviews and analysis stories about the various issues that will influence voters this election? How about a 6-hour block of Laurie Dhue or Rudi Bakhtiar in a bikini? It’s a big world, and there are plenty of stories to cover.
But the following ‘stories’ are not newsworthy on an national/international outlet. Not even a little. The National Enquirer and various other tabloids cover these stories for any drooling moron that is interested. Do not insult the word ‘news’ by airing any more stories about the following:
-The ‘Scott Peterson’ case is not newsworthy.
-The ‘Kobe Bryant’ case is not newsworthy.
-The ‘Micheal Jackson’ case is not newsworthy.
-The ‘Martha Stewart’ case is not newsworthy.
-The ‘Robert Blake’ case is not newsworthy.
-The ‘Jayson Williams’ cae is not newsworthy.
Consider this a cease and desist order from airing those 'stories any more. And if you flash a ‘news alert’ (I’m looking at you, Rupert) when the charges in some case are being filed, I will skull-fuck your kitten and nail it to your front door.
P.S. TLC and TDC, I give not a single damn about some knuckle-dragger that makes motorcycles or redecorating my house for three dollars. Get back to your roots: Science-ish stuff.
P.P.S. THC, good job.
P.P.P.S. SciFi, would it kill you to stop airing ‘John Edwards’? If it does not, I will. Stop it. Give me a wonderfully cheesy science fiction movie from back in the day. Give me Farscape or more SG-1. But do not give me some whitebread Madame Cleo.